How Will a Child's Discomfort With a Stepparent Affect Visitation

Rarely are step parents liked. If she is allowed to dictate visitation on her grounds, Mom, Dad and you had better watch out for what she wants to dictate next. And if Mom is behind this, it may well back fire on her.

So how can we make this work for him, his family, and our relationship? I want him to be able to be a father to his daughter, and I feel terrible that I may very well be the reason he cannot or has not been able to get access to his daughter. What type of visitation order would be best and what can we ask of the judge to make sure this works out in everyone favor?

Will it make a difference at all that the ex wife does not have a job, and is being evicted from her home after it goes into foreclosure in a few months? I'm sure his daughter will still not feel comfortable staying with us overnight, but will she have a say at that point? Especially if mom is living in an unstable home or temporary housing (i.e a friends house).

Side note: his daughter never liked staying overnight with him even before I came into the picture because she felt uncomfortable not being in "her own house."

My end game is just to get his family together that works for everyone and makes everyone happy.

Quote:

---

Quoting Nyxxie

---

So how can we make this work for him, his family, and our relationship? I want him to be able to be a father to his daughter, and I feel terrible that I may very well be the reason he cannot or has not been able to get access to his daughter. What type of visitation order would be best and what can we ask of the judge to make sure this works out in everyone favor?

Will it make a difference at all that the ex wife does not have a job, and is being evicted from her home after it goes into foreclosure in a few months? I'm sure his daughter will still not feel comfortable staying with us overnight, but will she have a say at that point? Especially if mom is living in an unstable home or temporary housing (i.e a friends house).

Side note: his daughter never liked staying overnight with him even before I came into the picture because she felt uncomfortable not being in "her own house."

My end game is just to get his family together that works for everyone and makes everyone happy.

---

Ok, first, forget about the whole "stable home" bit because as long as mom arranges a roof over their heads and they are not sleeping in her car that is irrelevant. Parents cannot lose their children due to economic setbacks.

Second, its significant information that the child never liked spending the night. Did she ever spend the night? If she is 13 years old and the status quo is that she does not spend the night, that could factor into things fairly heavily. It doesn't mean that dad won't get standard visitation but it could mean that the judge might (emphasis on the might) honor her wishes about not spending the night. If she was a couple of years older I would say that it would be probable that she would not have to spend the night, but at 13 she is not quite old enough for that to reach the level of probable.

Third, you cannot hope for an outcome that makes everyone happy. Unfortunately, these things just don't work that way. If dad gets what he wants mom is going to be unhappy, and apparently the child will be unhappy but hopefully only on a temporary basis. If dad doesn't get what he wants you and he are going to be unhappy. The best you can hope for is something that everybody can live with.

It bears repeating:

Forget about money. I realize you probably don't have that much experience with custody and family law, but the only time finances become an issue is when the parent becomes homeless, and/or the child is actually neglected or at risk. Couch-surfing is not commonly an issue, and parents in shelters can still retain custody of their children.

I agree that the child having a history of not wanting to stay over is probably going to be quite significant, but I do have one question. Why hasn't Dad pursued this through the courts before now?

I went through a similar situation with my stepdaughter. She was some older than yours and the circumstances were different but the general effect was the same. Really, the only answer is time. I made sure there were some times that she had alone with her father and left the two of them (or the three of them, if her brother was with us) some space; other times I would be with them so she could get used to my being there. Her father offered to talk to her about it but I wouldn't let him - I thought that would just make matters worse. It took time, and I'm talking years rather than months. But today she and I are doing things together without her dad, and she hugs me when she leaves. It takes time, it takes patience, and it takes a certain amount of sacrifice. But it can be done and it can work.

Quote:

---

Quoting Mercy&Grace

---

Rarely are step parents liked. If she is allowed to dictate visitation on her grounds, Mom, Dad and you had better watch out for what she wants to dictate next. And if Mom is behind this, it may well back fire on her.

---

My grown-up stepdaughters don't just like me - they absolutely adore me.

:D

(granted, our circumstances aren't exactly common....)

Whatever the reason daughter doesn't want to spend time with Dad, the problem was there before you were. It has nothing to do with.you, even.if daughter says it does. And you can't fix the problem.

Quote:

---

Quoting Nyxxie

---

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York.

I am living with a man I have been seeing for quite some time now. We live together with his 18 year old son, permanently (as the son has no communication, or interested in communicating, with his mother at all). He has a daughter who is 13 and sees occasionally (there is no visitation order in place, yet). When he has seen her in the past, we would (together) have dinner, go places, bake, play games etc.

Just recently, his daughter told her father she feels uncomfortable around me. There was never any indication of this, and my boyfriend believes it is his ex wife coaxing his daughter to say this in an effort to sabotage our relationship, or his ability to see his daughter.

My question is... once visitation is set, can his daughter say she doesn't want to see him because of me? if so, can we put any mediator in place to prove there is nothing going awry during her visitation that would make her feel uncomfortable?

Just as an example, I do not even hold his hand while she is around out of respect for her, so I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable.

I would like to know our options so he could have his daughter in his life on a consistent basis, while still securing our relationship.

Thank you

---

A) You are NOT a stepparent. You are no one legally.
B) You cannot file anything or request anything such as a mediatory. Your boyfriend needs to handle his issues.
C) Is this man still married to his daughter's mother? If so, you can expect a no paramour order to be put in place prohibiting you from being around the child.

- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

---

Quoting Nyxxie

---

So how can we make this work for him, his family, and our relationship? I want him to be able to be a father to his daughter, and I feel terrible that I may very well be the reason he cannot or has not been able to get access to his daughter. What type of visitation order would be best and what can we ask of the judge to make sure this works out in everyone favor?

Will it make a difference at all that the ex wife does not have a job, and is being evicted from her home after it goes into foreclosure in a few months? I'm sure his daughter will still not feel comfortable staying with us overnight, but will she have a say at that point? Especially if mom is living in an unstable home or temporary housing (i.e a friends house).

Side note: his daughter never liked staying overnight with him even before I came into the picture because she felt uncomfortable not being in "her own house."

My end game is just to get his family together that works for everyone and makes everyone happy.

---

A) Is dad divorced?
B) How was a divorce granted with NO VISITATION ORDER?
C) You cannot ask anything as you are not a party.

Dogmatique, I had a step mother and she was an Angel. But my parents didn't get divorced until I was almost out of high school. I also a step daughter. Unfortunately her mother made her visits very difficult. But we realized it was the mother and not the child making things difficult. I treated her like I treated the children we had together. J loved her because I loved him and she was a part of him. When she got folder and was away from the controlling influence of her mother we got a long great. It is a shame how some parents use their children as weapons when a marriage fails.

Quote:

---

Quoting Mercy&Grace

---

Dogmatique, I had a step mother and she was an Angel. But my parents didn't get divorced until I was almost out of high school. I also a step daughter. Unfortunately her mother made her visits very difficult. But we realized it was the mother and not the child making things difficult. I treated her like I treated the children we had together. J loved her because I loved him and she was a part of him. When she got folder and was away from the controlling influence of her mother we got a long great. It is a shame how some parents use their children as weapons when a marriage fails.

---

It's always the kids who suffer most.