Can a Minor With ADHD Supervise or Babysit a Younger Sibling

My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of: Colorado

I am not sure if this it the right place to post, given some subject overlap. I appreciate any help and patience with me.

I am involved with the father of two boys with ADHD diagnoses who are on medication. Their mother fought extensively to prevent their diagnosis and treatment, wasn't abiding by joint decision authority about various things, and eventually it went to arbitration. The arbitrator got her to agree to allow a specific therapist to make any decisions about the kids that the parents couldn't agree on. That therapist eventually approved the medication trial and oversight of the meds switched to a primary care physician, because the therapist was a psychologist and couldn't prescribe. Their mother (I will call her Jane) picked the doctor, and picked the one she believed least likely to diagnose the boys, but that meant he was also quite expensive. Jane has chronic financial issues, and now claims she cannot afford to abide by the agreement to let that psychologist decide when they can't agree. That all seems like necessary context for what follows.

In the process of all of that, we worked with a private investigator for various reasons. I and both of their bio parents were raised in fairly poor environments. My mother alternated between abuse and neglect. Ted (we will call dad "Ted") was basically left to raise himself, dropped out of school, etc. Jane was raised by a single mother who was a severe alcoholic with probable mental health issues beyond that. None of us had a very good obvious source for ideas like normal and reasonable parental behavior. But I had at least studied the subject in books.

In the course of working with the PI, he told us that he was an ex police officer. He basically gave us a few guidelines for how to figure out somewhere to reasonably draw boundary lines we weren't totally certain about, related to the implications of ADHD on normal parenting decisions. For example, he told us that he worked on other cases where an unsupervised autistic teen was taken from his parents, because the mental health diagnosis made it unreasonable, in the eyes of the court, for the teen to be left unsupervised. And while unsupervised, he stumbled mostly accidentally into online child porn, which is how law enforcement got involved. There were other suggestions about what to lock up and such, but the gist was that it was irresponsible to assume kids with executive function disorders could be left unattended online at all, and in most other circumstances as well for extended periods. I didn't think to ask him at the time if he had any perspective on when they might be reasonably considered old enough that we would not be at significantly increased risk of loss of custody if something happened while they were left at home alone.

Both boys have a history of some amount of not really intentional, but uneducated neglect and parental ignorance related problems. Most of those have since been addressed at our house, (I can't speak to their mom's house), and the boys are doing much better over all with lots of structure and consistency and meds, and spending most of their time here. But like all young people they want freedom. And their mother tends toward allowing things and not being firm with them about much until something like grades hits complete collapse and she has been known to hit emotional extremes.

Ted and Jane are both about 40 minutes from Jane's apartment. Jane has no stated close available parties to go to the apartment for her in the event of emergencies. Ted works at home, and I am a housewife. While the boys are here, they have at least passive supervision, with possibility of direct interrupt almost all the time. We occasionally will run to Walmart down the street and leave one of them. And we allow them privacy in their room where they have no computers or internet connected devices for periods of time. Jane is welcome to continue to bring there here, near her place of work, for supervised care she hasn't paid for in some time.

Jane has decided to leave the children at her apartment one day a week, claiming they need privacy. Jane seems to feel privacy is not accomplished through 20-30 minutes at home alone, or having a closed bedroom door for a hour or two. Privacy seems to be an idea she has related to her upbringing, in which she and her brother were generally neglected or functionally abandoned due to the effects of alcohol. At Jane's apartment, the boys have unmoderated access to the internet and Netflix, so far as we know, though we have pointed Jane at the FBI website about kids and cyber safety. She has not indicated an intention of doing more than talking to the kids about it. Ted and Jane disagree about this set of decisions. Ted feels like they should not have several (At least 6) hours without risk of interrupt on a regular basis, 40 minutes from any adult who can help them in an emergency. Jane also has typically stated a complete inability to leave work when school problems have required her to, and we have had to handle it during her custody weeks. Recently the 12 year old squirmed until he fell off a chair at school, broke two teeth and required stitches, as an example of their tendency to be accident prone and not think through their actions well. We have both notified her in writing that we are not available to drive 40 minutes to help them if she chooses this path, and she must assume complete responsibility for emergencies.

In general, we are actually trying to be reasonably liberal with the boys, over here, to the extent it seems at all realistic, letting them begin to explore some things without supervision, like a trip 6 blocks to the Walmart. We have been conservative about it for several reasons. ADHD kids, on average, run 3-4 years behind the emotional and brain development of their peers. And even if that weren't the case, when these kids moved in, I found proof at their old house and my house, and eventually got an admission from both boys that they were lighting various things on fire regularly. There was also considerable small theft (by the now 14 year old), originally, and still some tendency toward sticky fingers from both about parent's belongings. I have had to put a fingerprint lock on my craft space, because they appropriate things and misuse them without asking. And a decent portion of that room is high risk for one reason or another. The theft or lighters and things from outside the home seems to have stopped. At least, we haven't found evidence of it in the last year and a half, since they've been on meds and getting much more structure.

The parental thefts have continued, though, despite my having designed and implemented a program by which they can earn almost any amount through doing more or less chores, with which to buy what they really want. I wanted to be able to determine how much was related to the emotional struggle of having been too broke to ever get what they asked for for many years and feeling powerless about it, versus what was executive function failures or deliberate disobedience/dishonesty. They no longer have the emotional pressure of no way to get their needs and wants met, but still sometimes steal from us and their mother. They earn points here, that they have to use to access the computer and tv, and can also convert to cash at a rate that is pretty decent for most kids allowance potential. They have proven they can earn enough for a game without undue burden, but have still been caught recently steeling one of mine to sneak it to school overnights and such.

It seems clear that while they are getting better, they still have a lot of in-the-moment impulse control problems, and that some of their progress is related to things like no longer being left in the breakroom at the grocery store for Jane's shift, where theft was then made a much more constant opportunity and salve to boredom.

It would actually be easier on all of us if we could leave them for several hours, but so far we've been testing with small amounts, and then rolling back when they abuse it, to work some more on boundaries and try again after a while, with consequences for failures and such.

Ted at this point, though, has documented his lack of consent to Jane's choice to leave them at her apartment 40 minutes from everyone, for about 10 hours, during which Jane assumes they will walk to camp for a couple hours in the morning, and walk back through a somewhat sketchy, but not completely horrible neighborhood. Neither child is certified in first aid, has any ability at self defense or any other similar thing that might mitigate risks. This leaves them with at least 8 hours of completely unsupervised time in which they know they will not get caught for anything, assuming they do actually go to camp as believed.

And Jane is not usually the one that catches their lies and disobedience in most circumstances. They are very bright boys, the oldest of whom is tested gifted, the other of whom is probably also, but it was masked by the untreated and undiagnosed ADHD problems until recently. He's been catching up on school he was deeply behind on for years. He's caught up on being a couple years behind in school work in about a year, and is teaching himself to program, which says that he's also a remarkably bright child, once he got the help he needed. And they have already figured out they can fool Jane, often, and she will believe the implausible. As an example of what I mean, we taught them about logical fallacies, and they, without prompting, have volunteered that their mother uses them all the time, but that they will not correct her, because it might hurt her feelings. As I said, brilliant young men, with all the good and bad that comes of that.

For money reasons, neither parent can much afford more court action. We have done what we can to document her refusal to abide by the arbitration ruling or the divorce decree to resolve the disagreement in email given the short notice she gave us. And for the moment, that is the best we can probably do.

But my questions are these; Is there an age where a child with diagnosed ADHD and a tendency toward some anxiety and possible depression (according to the psychologist) with a history of minor arson and shoplifting, but no police involvement yet, and a history of mistreatment of his brother can be left at home with that brother, prior to age 18 for both parties, without probably risking loss of custody in the event of a problem? And if not with his brother, is there any age where Ted might not be at extreme custody loss risk over that child being left at home by himself for more than an hour, before age 18? Also, does anyone know of a reasonable set of resources to point Jane at, in helping her understand her legal liabilities as complicated by ADHD, or to point us at, if the ex-police officer steered us wrong in believing that this presents a significant legal risk even in their teen years? Also, is our documentation of the verbal conversation and her lack of consent to therapist resolution enough to help protect Ted, in the event that law enforcement were to remove custody from Jane for these choices, so that he could still potentially become primary custodian, rather than them ending up in foster care? Would lack of consent need to be sent by postal mail as well as email?

Thank you for your patience and sorry for the length.

Age left alone: none legally specifically defined - that will depend on the parent and the child.

Advice #1: Never, ever, EVER take psychological, psychiatric or other medical advice from a non-medical professional. This ex-cop is the guy who told you that, " And while unsupervised, he stumbled mostly accidentally into online child porn, which is how law enforcement got involved", yes? No. Kids don't "stumble" onto child porn.

Advice #2: Ted needs to speak with an attorney.

Advice #3: For your own sanity, take a few steps back.

And for the love of all that's pink and good, KIDS DO NOT ACCIDENTALLY FIND CHILD PORN.

As for this:

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We have both notified her in writing that we are not available to drive 40 minutes to help them if she chooses this path, and she must assume complete responsibility for emergencies.

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Pardon me for being so crude, but what in the living hell are you and Dad THINKING? You shouldn't be notifying her of anything to begin with, and then you and Dad decide to try and force her into capitulating with Dad?

Good heavens.

Colorado DHS suggests not leaving a child home alone before the age of twelve. That's not an age defined by law. There is no special rule for kids with ADHD. The notion that DHS is going to swoop in and take kids into emergency custody merely because the older one has ADHD has no basis in reality. All other things being equal the younger child, at twelve, can reasonably be left home alone, so it's not an issue that he has the additional supervision of an older sibling with ADHD.

The former police officer is not a lawyer, and he's not an expert in parenting. His opinions on this matter would mean nothing within the context of a court case.

First of all, you have no say here as Step-parent. This is 100% between mom and dad. And dad has zero say how mom parents and mom has zero say in how dad parents but she does have a say in how you parent her children should that ever come up. As for your step-son's ADHD diagnosis, there are MANY levels of ADHD. My niece has ADHD and you'd never know it because it's totally manageable. I'm thinking you may want to become more informed on the subject to help you really understand the struggle and stigma attached to ADHD.

Your step-son is legally old enough to stay at home with his younger sibling. The only way this would ever become a legal concern is if something were to happen when they were alone at home. Until that time (which hopefully it wont) there's not much you can do. This is absolutely not something CPS will think is cause to investigate. If for ANY reason, mom ever loses custody, dad will get custody unless there is a really good reason for him not to.

Furthermore, it is not your duty to point Jane in any direction. She is their mother and like it or not, she gets to decide how she moves through life. The more you "help" her, the more resistant she will be to you.

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Quoting christielyn

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First of all, you have no say here as Step-parent. This is 100% between mom and dad. And dad has zero say how mom parents and mom has zero say in how dad parents but she does have a say in how you parent her children should that ever come up. As for your step-son's ADHD diagnosis, there are MANY levels of ADHD. My niece has ADHD and you'd never know it because it's totally manageable. I'm thinking you may want to become more informed on the subject to help you really understand the struggle and stigma attached to ADHD.

Your step-son is legally old enough to stay at home with his younger sibling. The only way this would ever become a legal concern is if something were to happen when they were alone at home. Until that time (which hopefully it wont) there's not much you can do. This is absolutely not something CPS will think is cause to investigate. If for ANY reason, mom ever loses custody, dad will get custody unless there is a really good reason for him not to.

Furthermore, it is not your duty to point Jane in any direction. She is their mother and like it or not, she gets to decide how she moves through life. The more you "help" her, the more resistant she will be to you.

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This OP has been gone for several months.