Joint Custody when Parents Live an Hour Away from Each Other

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: VA

Hello, I recently decided to take my daughter's father to child support and as a result he decided to file for joint custody of our daughter. My ex and I were never married, never lived together and he has never agreed to a visitation schedule. He never took her more than a few hours by himself (in 3 1/2 years maybe 4-5 times), the only times he sees her are at my house when he shows up unannounced or with less than an hour notice. Living less than an hour away he doesn't see her more than a couple hours a month if that. I have asked him for help with her when I have to work late and he can sometimes accommodate me but his work schedule is changing all the time and he also is in the military reserve and travels or deploys at times; and on his days off he decides to rest....
How realistic would a joint custody be for us knowing he lives in MD, work very odd hours, never takes her or has no interest in dealing with questions regarding school; heath, doctors ( I am told to deal on my own)?
My daughter has severe food allergies that have kept us visiting specialists for the first 2 1/2 years of her life and he never showed up or even cared to help deal with this situation. She has a special diet and requires a lot of care. I want to be reasonable and have absolutely no problem with visitations, as a matter of fact I am the ones that is asking to commit to a schedule, I would gladly work out a gradual visitation schedule (since she has never slept away from home in 3 1/2 years) that would ultimately become an every other weekend agreement; but his only motivation in seeking joint custody is to reduce child support. We currently have a support agreement (non official) between us but he's trying to get money back by trying to claim her as a dependent on his taxes, doing a dependent child care account at his job...but that's a whole other story in itself. Money has become a big issue for us and that's why I decided to have it enforced through the child support division.
Would a judge ever grant joint custody to my child's father in our current situation?
Thank you for you feedback!

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Quoting Lovetobeamom

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: VA

Hello, I recently decided to take my daughter's father to child support and as a result he decided to file for joint custody of our daughter. My ex and I were never married, never lived together and he has never agreed to a visitation schedule. He never took her more than a few hours by himself (in 3 1/2 years maybe 4-5 times), the only times he sees her are at my house when he shows up unannounced or with less than an hour notice. Living less than an hour away he doesn't see her more than a couple hours a month if that. I have asked him for help with her when I have to work late and he can sometimes accommodate me but his work schedule is changing all the time and he also is in the military reserve and travels or deploys at times; and on his days off he decides to rest....
How realistic would a joint custody be for us knowing he lives in MD, work very odd hours, never takes her or has no interest in dealing with questions regarding school; heath, doctors ( I am told to deal on my own)?
My daughter has severe food allergies that have kept us visiting specialists for the first 2 1/2 years of her life and he never showed up or even cared to help deal with this situation. She has a special diet and requires a lot of care. I want to be reasonable and have absolutely no problem with visitations, as a matter of fact I am the ones that is asking to commit to a schedule, I would gladly work out a gradual visitation schedule (since she has never slept away from home in 3 1/2 years) that would ultimately become an every other weekend agreement; but his only motivation in seeking joint custody is to reduce child support. We currently have a support agreement (non official) between us but he's trying to get money back by trying to claim her as a dependent on his taxes, doing a dependent child care account at his job...but that's a whole other story in itself. Money has become a big issue for us and that's why I decided to have it enforced through the child support division.
Would a judge ever grant joint custody to my child's father in our current situation?
Thank you for you feedback!

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It depends on what you mean be "joint". Joint legal custody (joint decision making) is virtually a given. That is very standard. Joint physical custody, if you mean a 50/50 timeshare, is not very likely at all given his current relationship with her. However it will be up to you, and/or your attorney, to let the judge know how little time he has spent with her in the last 3 1/2 years. A phased in plan that gradually reaches every other weekend, alternating holidays and some weeks in the summer is the most likely scenario, but you need to propose that.

Virginia recognizes two types of joint custody. It recognizes joint legal custody, which involves both parents having joint responsibility for the care and control of their child and joint authority to make decisions concerning their child, even when the child's primary residence is with only one parent. It also recognizes joint physical custody, under which both parents share physical and custodial care of their child -- although you can have joint physical custody without an equal division of parenting time.

If your ex- is seeking joint legal custody, he is looking for input into decisions concerning your daughter. He stands a much better chance of getting joint legal custody than joint physical custody. With the history you have described, he does not appear to be a good candidate to be an equal physical custodian. If there is already a custody and visitation order in effect, he will also have to allege sufficient facts to have the court revisit the prior ruling -- he must establish a material change in circumstances subsequent to the most recent custody order before a court will revisit the prior decree.

Thank you for your response. He wants join physical and legal custody. I will definitely propose the scenario you mentioned, it seems very reasonable to me. The only issue I have with the legal custody aspect is that he has never wanted to help me in making any decisions regarding our daughter. I am left to do it all but I will bring this up to my lawyer because it is a concern for me having to rely on him to make decisions knowing his track record and how he travels often and is unreachable.
Thank you again for your feedback.

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The joint legal custody scares me a little but if by law he is required to actually participate in decisions concerning our daughter and doesn't, how can I make sure it is enforced?

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Quoting Mr. Knowitall

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Virginia recognizes two types of joint custody. It recognizes joint legal custody, which involves both parents having joint responsibility for the care and control of their child and joint authority to make decisions concerning their child, even when the child's primary residence is with only one parent. It also recognizes joint physical custody, under which both parents share physical and custodial care of their child -- although you can have joint physical custody without an equal division of parenting time.

If your ex- is seeking joint legal custody, he is looking for input into decisions concerning your daughter. He stands a much better chance of getting joint legal custody than joint physical custody. With the history you have described, he does not appear to be a good candidate to be an equal physical custodian. If there is already a custody and visitation order in effect, he will also have to allege sufficient facts to have the court revisit the prior ruling -- he must establish a material change in circumstances subsequent to the most recent custody order before a court will revisit the prior decree.

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The joint legal custody scares me a little but if by law he is required to actually participate in decisions concerning our daughter and doesn't, how can I make sure it is enforced?

That's not how it works. Joint legal custody gives him the opportunity to participate in decisions. If he's invited to participate and fails to respond, life is going to move on without him. For example, you might inform him, "I'm going to enroll the child in kindergarten next week, and she'll be assigned to [neighborhood school]". If he doesn't respond, you would enroll the child as described. Or, "The child's doctor says that she needs [procedure] so I'm going to schedule it for [date]" -- if he doesn't respond, you simply carry out your described plan.

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Quoting Mr. Knowitall

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That's not how it works. Joint legal custody gives him the opportunity to participate in decisions. If he's invited to participate and fails to respond, life is going to move on without him. For example, you might inform him, "I'm going to enroll the child in kindergarten next week, and she'll be assigned to [neighborhood school]". If he doesn't respond, you would enroll the child as described. Or, "The child's doctor says that she needs [procedure] so I'm going to schedule it for [date]" -- if he doesn't respond, you simply carry out your described plan.

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Thanks for your response. That's what I have been doing will continue to do...somehow he thinks joint legal custody means I can't move without his say so...thanks for clarifying this!

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Quoting Lovetobeamom

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Thanks for your response. That's what I have been doing will continue to do...somehow he thinks joint legal custody means I can't move without his say so...thanks for clarifying this!

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By move, do you mean relocate, or do you mean that you cannot do anything without his say so?

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Quoting llworking

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By move, do you mean relocate, or do you mean that you cannot do anything without his say so?

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Oh no sorry I meant make a decision regarding our daughter :-)

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Quoting Lovetobeamom

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Oh no sorry I meant make a decision regarding our daughter :-)

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In that case, I would add a bit of qualifying info to each of your emails.

Example: "I am going to enroll XXX in preschool at YYY. If I do not hear anything from you by xx/xx/xx date, I will assume that you are in agreement to that.

I will also clarify joint legal custody a little more. Both parents can make any decision they like that effects only their time, when they have joint legal custody. Its only decisions that effect both parent's time, or are major decisions, or are financial decisions that need any kind of agreement.

So, if he has every other weekend then preschool (for example) would effect only your time, therefore he does not really get a say unless you expect him to share in the cost.