My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Tennessee
Hi everyone.
I have been moving forward (slowly) with the custody case. Turned over my discovery months ago, and received dad's this week.
As a reminder: Dad filing for custody (being paid for by grandma) because of my homeschooling... tons of issues but I'm sure you may remember some of them.
So far, I have spent some time looking through the discovery packet which included tax returns, bank statements, communications, posts of mine off Facebook, ect... I have learned some very disturbing things about my son's father, but I would like advice on focus points. I am doing a lot of the leg work myself to save money with the lawyer as I'm sure you can understand.
First, we are asking for contempt for non-payment of child support and not providing insurance which was ordered years ago... never happened... Dad is about 2 1/2 months behind but has been paying recently (not catching up, but paying ordered amount consistently) He has been behind for more than 2 years. Of course, asking the court to keep me primary parent and maintain the parenting time we have now (every weekend). He is asking for primary and 50/50 split on time which he cannot actually exercise, but it's all about school... he wants control of that. I think he wants my son to have the life he had as a child, go to school come home play video games.
The new information I have about him, and this comes directly from his bank statements/tax returns... he has a significant amount of deposits that are inexplicable when compared to the other information about his jobs... he has done work for an out of country company as a contractor and received pay but never reported on taxes.... he spends a great deal of money on video games and alcohol (at liquor stores.) plus WAY more money at gas stations and grocery stores than could reasonably be believed to be gas and groceries. I suspect he has developed a drinking problem. He has spent more money on video games in the last 6 months than his arrears on child support. There are also several charges that are obviously gay porn/hook up sites, and MANY more from undisclosed merchants, or just have a code instead of a company name, which I suspect to also be porn charges.
Also, there is included a narrative from the grandma which is several pages detailing her experience of me and why I am not a fit parent. There is quite a bit of spin, but she writes with an angelic tone and really makes me out to be completely crazy and the queen of irresponsibility. Many things are factually wrong... not sure what that does except give me a preview of the character assault I should expect... Really sheds light on the dissonance that I tried to ignore this whole time...
What should I focus on here? What do you see as the strongest or weakest part of the case?
Thank you for any advice you are willing to offer. :)
Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification Case
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06-04-2015, 10:37 PMMom521Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification Case
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06-05-2015, 09:13 PMMr. KnowitallRe: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification Case
Child support and custody are separate matters. If you believe that you can prove that your ex- has undisclosed income, you can attempt to use that information to modify his child support. Unless the child is being placed at risk as a result, it's not your business whether he drinks alcohol or plays video games, what he buys at gas stations, or what he looks at on the Internet.
You've really told us nothing about the custody case, save for the probability that the paternal grandmother is going to be a witness for the father. Your focus on the financial information, as opposed to anything that relates to the best interest of the child, raises questions about whether you understand what the issues will be in a custody dispute. You really should discuss your case with your lawyer. -
06-06-2015, 05:18 AMMom521Re: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification Case
Ok, I bring up the financial information to demonstrate that, to date and continuing after filing his petition for custody, the dad has not made it a priority to meet his current obligations to take care of his child (in spite of his income having tripled) and prioritized selfish things such as playing video games and drinking. I know that has weight in a custody dispute, and I also know that is different than setting child support payment amounts and parenting time.
Besides that, my arguments against him having custody is that my child is thriving with me, I have been the primary parent legally since birth, he has been inactive in child's life until recently (almost a year now has been every weekend with some exceptions which I would like to maintain) and made no other effort to spend additional time, ask for additional time, take advantage of additional time offered unless I was sick and insisted, and on many occasions has backed out of his regular time on short or no notice, especially if the child is ill dad is unwilling to care for him... dad tried to get me to miss two shifts of work to pick up son on dad's day because he threw up, and woke me up at 6am cutting off two hours of sleep between two 16 hour work days. Yeah, I was livid. Livid. I only had 6 hours between shifts as it was.
I originally thought the main issue we would be fighting would be homeschooling - and that is still I believe the core issue. I will win that fight. In the one year that I've been supervising my son's education, he has grown dramatically (tested 3 grade levels ahead both reading and math) and his success in extra curricular activities and every adult in his life (other than dad and grandma) will affirm that he is extremely smart, well mannered, well adjusted, ect. However, in looking over their discovery information I believe they will try to focus on character with all the spin they can muster. My character faults according to them are that I am irresponsible financially, can't keep my house clean, have emotional problems stemming from living in poverty as a child, and I have no control over my son. Grandma (who has now moved out of state but only about 2 hours away) tries to paint this picture of my home as being unstable and unsafe and hers as the only place where my son was safe and cared for. However, my son wouldn't be in her home, if her son won custody... and I am certain she doesn't know that her son buys gay porn, or the extent of his video game spending. I imagine that even she would have to take a second to consider that, being a professing devout Baptist....
On the other hand, father does have serious and documented emotional problems and has recently started taking anti-depressants. -
06-06-2015, 08:25 AMOhiogalRe: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification CaseGay porn? Really? That doesn't matter either. It is legal. Taking anti-depressants also doesn't matter. You really want to find dirt don't you?Quote:
Quoting Mom521
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06-06-2015, 08:26 AMreadytoleaveRe: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification Case
I am not a legal professional, and am in no way giving legal advice, but I would say based on many other threads that I have read here that if you have been the legal gaurdian since birth, I think the likelyhood of them being able to switch custody to him being "primary" based on what you believe they have "against you" is slim to none. They would have to prove a significant change in circumstances, or CPS would have to determine that you are a danger to your child. I also have a messy house occassionally and that comes with having a child, and as long as you are keeping a roof of your son's head and food in his belly and clothes on his back, your finances should be a non-issue. I don't know what the likelyhood of them granting joint or shared custody would be, but I would also probably say that it is unlikely as well since you guys can't get along to co-parent effectively.
As a mom, I know how scary it can be to give up your control over your childs well being. I get it, because I also have to give up control of my daughters safety every Wednesday and every other weekend to a man who drinks himself stupid on a regular basis. But, you chose to make a baby with this man who plays video games, and drinks, and watches porn and as long as he isn't giving your child alcohol, or watching the porn with your son, he is free to do as he pleases. Also, becareful when you address emotional issues. I also take anti-depressents, but that in no way impacts how I care for my daughter. Actually, the fact that he is taking anti depressants could be viewed positively as he is taking care of his problems and trying to not be depressed.
When I read your thread, it does come off as nitpicking, and like you are grasping for straws, which won't work out for you well when it comes to court, and is going to make it a very long and stressful time between now and when your son turns 18. I get the reasoning behind it being fear, trust me I do, but it does come off like you are trying to interfere in the parent child relationship with his father, and you are trying to control how your son is being parented by his father. I am not saying that is what you are trying to do, but from what you post, it really does come off like that, which is about the worst thing you can do. The same things apply to him, and the sooner you come to peace with that, the easier this will be on everyone. As long as your son has a roof over his head, food in his belly and clothes on his back, and isn't in any immediate danger being caused by dad, then you aren't going to be able to control what happens during the time they are together. Even if it isn't exactly how you would do it.
Also, I have read on these threads sooo many times, that the more third parties interfere and interject themselves into the situation, the more it backfires for that parent. So when you have said that you believe Grandma is behind this inititive for custody, the more involved she gets, the more the courts get irritated by that. -
06-06-2015, 11:01 AMDogmatiqueRe: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification CaseThat's a significant part of the "problem".Quote:
Quoting readytoleave
If a parent wants to have 100% control of their offspring, I recommend adoption as a single parent, or using a legitimate sperm bank to conceive. Wanting that sort of control is rarely good for the child, either.
Your post is really nice actually. The only other thing I can say is this Mom in particular does indeed have quite the history of wanting Dad to have little-to-no control over their mutual child. The post history is very telling.
All that aside though, I'll go back to the history... since Mom has raised the point of her working 16 hour shifts.
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Well, I sort of wish I hadn't had to read that load of nonsense.
Mom - listen. You ARE clearly looking for every tiny little bit of mud you can find to throw at the wall to see how much will stick, and you've been doing so since at least before the end of 2014.
Tread carefully. Tread VERY carefully. Gay porn? Video games? smoking? I think you are grossly underestimating just how much Dad can accomplish without even opening his mouth.
Again I will advise you: Tread. Carefully. You're not just fighting Dad. You're fighting Dad and his family who, clearly, aren't quite as stupid as you'd like to pretend. -
06-06-2015, 06:57 PMMom521Re: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification Case
I came to grips with not being able to control what happens at dad's house a long time ago... but what I am not easily coming to grips with is the bits that don't stay at dad's house. I have to teach my son how to cope with a very different set of rules and morality between dad's house and mine... and cope with alienating influences on one side without doing any alienating myself... that is a very hard line to walk. It is true that I wish his dad took parenting a little more seriously. Also, I wasn't using the taking anti-depressants as a bad thing. I am glad he at least acknowledges that there is an issue and coping better.
In any case, if the issues that I'm bringing up about him are irrelevant as you all seem to believe, then the issues he has about me will be more so - assuming he is honest about them. However, I cannot count on that. His discovery packet and the statement from grandma make that clear.. more spin than a tornado. That being said, the local judges here are VERY conservative... and almost nothing of grandma's statement would be admissible as testimony if she were on the stand, as it's mostly hearsay or easily disputable. -
06-07-2015, 04:46 AMstealth2Re: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification CaseI think most parents with contentious divorces have to deal with it, and it's not as hard as all that. Especially if (as it seems) you have the child the majority of the time. Because you lead by example. You let him know that the rules may be different art Dad's, but these are the rules here.Quote:
Quoting Mom521
Also.... men actually do some parenting stuff better than women do. They tend to be better at loosening the apron strings and letting kids make mistakes. We tend to want to catch kids before they fall. Which is not always good.
I tried to learn from some of the things their Dad allowed that I tended not to (and I am actually the more permissive parent LOL). Yes, it's scary to let go of the control as our kids grow, but that is what it's all about - if you want to raise an independent, functioning adult out of your child - you raise them to fly on their own - not to be tied to a parent and the nest.
Instead of looking at what you can throw at him, you should look at how to counter his claims. Homeschooling the kid is bad? Have evidence that the child is thriving academically. The child is socially stunted? Show how he is socially involved. Judges HATE the tit-for-tat game divorced parents often play.Quote:
In any case, if the issues that I'm bringing up about him are irrelevant as you all seem to believe, then the issues he has about me will be more so - assuming he is honest about them. However, I cannot count on that. His discovery packet and the statement from grandma make that clear.. more spin than a tornado. That being said, the local judges here are VERY conservative... and almost nothing of grandma's statement would be admissible as testimony if she were on the stand, as it's mostly hearsay or easily disputable.
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06-07-2015, 10:44 AMDogmatiqueRe: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification Case
Is there a GAL involved yet?
If not, there needs to be. Clearly, neither parent is exactly stellar co-parenting material at the moment and I'm sorry Mom, but you're not exactly helping your cause right now.
I also wouldn't bank on Grandma's testimony being tossed. I wouldn't bank on that at all. You keep saying that you're in a conservative area, but what I don't think you're understanding is that the court may well trust Grandma's testimony more than yours and seriously, more than Dad's testimony.
You're not home free, and at this point the only thing you should be doing is hiring an attorney. Because if you don't, you might end up with a decision that you really, really don't like and despite what you think, him buying video games isn't going to even come close to being a consideration. Ditto alcohol unless the child is being neglected as a result.
What are you going to tell the court when Dad claims that Grandma is so sweet and kind that she's eager to pay for video games for him and, eventually, the child? She gives him money and that's what the bank account reflects? -
06-07-2015, 11:10 AMEA1070aRe: Forming a Strategy for a Custody Modification CaseThis line jumped off the page to me. Let me tell you how I see it from the other side: You are absolutely, 100%, teaching your son that dad is amoral and alienating son from father, no matter what you say about walking a "fine line" and all. That's a self-serving justification. What you are actually teaching your son is that his father - the man with whom you chose to make a baby - is a worthless piece of crap living a lifestyle that is deviant and harmful to him.Quote:
I have to teach my son how to cope with a very different set of rules and morality between dad's house and mine..
My husband and I dealt with this garbage from his ex-wife (not my legal matter, not my concern, no legal relationship, blah blah blah, but in reality, I was the SAHM for years, taking care of our kids and his kids from 6am to 6pm Monday through Friday).
Do you have any idea how much you are damaging your kid and destroying his self-worth by teaching him that his father doesn't meet YOUR moral standards and isn't a good person? My step-son is an adult now, and we have a fantastic relationship. He told us that his mother always made him feel like crap because half of who he was came from his father's genetics. We weren't "good Christians," we didn't have "good morals," etc. etc. etc.. Therefore, his son felt that she couldn't stand him because his mother couldn't stand his dad.
We never spoke I'll of his mother. Never. Has it ever occurred to you that dad doesn't fully exercise his rights because he doesn't want to deal with YOU? That you are a huge part of the problem?
You're slinging mud and eventually your chickens are going to come home to roost. I guarantee you won't like the results.
Hire a lawyer before you shoot yourself in the foot. You're making a lot of assumptions about how things are going to go, what testimony will be allowed, etc., and you're going to be in for a shock.