Behavior Problems With My Seventeen-Year-Old Daughter

My question involves juvenile law in the State of:Missouri

Things have progresivly gotten worse over the last 2 years. My daughter lies,cheats& steals. I have caught her sneaking out,or back in our house a few times, which i have found out,after taking her cell phone,that she actually sneaks out quite frequently. Through reading her text messages,i have found out so much more. She has been drinking,& smoking pot with groups of friends,basically "partying". Most of the time when she asks me to spend the night with a certain friend,she actually does something different. Has even had me talk to people who i believed to be a parent or family member confirming her story to me. Its turned out to be a lie as well. Through reading her texts,i also believe she has taken my car without my permission at times when she has snuck out. One of my sets of keys has been missing for a couple months now.She has also stolen several times. She got caught stealing from a few stores in the mall ,and had to complete a teen court program. She has also stolen money or other items from other household members, & from myself. One time ,i sent her to store with my debit card to get a specific item,and she got cash back for herself. She has also taken things from other friends or family members. She has been sexually active for awhile now,with multiple partners. She is barely making it through school in her important classes. Also,every time i have taken her cell phone,which has been her source of making plans with her friends,she just gets another one somehow,and hides it from me until i find that one too. In the last month,she has had 4 different phones. She tried running away once. Another time she had been grounded,she left for the weekend without my permission saying she just needed a break because she felt i tried finding reasons to be mad at her. But it was just a cover for her to party with her friends that weekend. She basically disregards my rules of the house,or any consequences i give her,& does what she wants anyway. I feel like I cant go to sleep at night.She cannot tell me the truth to save her life,even if i have proof she will deny . She has given me the " I'm 17,so there's nothing you can do" line. I feel like my daughter is running my household. I am at my whits end! I have another daughter who is 15,who has always been the straight A student,and is very responsible. I feel i cant focus on her,because I am always investigating everything my oldest is doing. I am so afraid every day,that she is just going to leave and not come back. But with her view of being 17,& believing I cant do anything about what she does, she just keeps doing these things. I have even recently bought a door alarm that is armed/ disarmed with a key, and a camera which i put in view of the front door to monitor her coming and going. I feel like a prison warden! I have been so stressed out, this is affecting my health even . I guess my question is, what are the laws in the state of Missouri as far as her leaving without my permission, & also emancipation? Or is there anything else within the law i can do to show her that i can do something even though she is 17?

Missouri is one of those few states where law enforcement is reluctant to return a runaway 17 year old home if she is in a safe place and her parents know where she is. She does NOT qualify for emancipation.

But what you can do, if you really want to take it to an extreme, is remove everything from her room, including the door, except a mattress and two changes of weather appropriate clothing. Everything else, including all her electronics, books, games, computer, etc., she needs to earn back. If she needs the computer for school, she uses it in the living room under supervision. You drive her to school and you pick her back up again. She goes nowhere but school and church, if you are a churchgoing family, until you say otherwise. Alarm the windows in her room.

You can legally do this, if you want to.

But think long and hard about what this will do to your relationship with her if you do. I'm not saying don't do it - you're the only one who knows if this will deliver a kick in the pants and bring her back into the fold, or if it will make matters worse. We can't judge that from here.

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I feel like my daughter is running my household.

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She is, and you're letting her. Time to step up your game, Mom.

In addition to the steps cbg has outlined above, it's time for you to get the locks changed on the car, and keep the keys on your person at all times. Inconvenient? Yep, but parenting often is. Does she have a job? Confiscate her paychecks (yes, you can do that until she's 18) and put her money in an account she can't access until she is 18. Don't let her anywhere near your debit or credit cards - and in fact, you should probably get new ones, she may have your numbers stashed somewhere. Buy a personal safe, and store your purse and financials in there.

Meet with her counselors at school and ask for a recommendation for a good therapist. The girl needs one, sometimes they need to get the "straighten up and fly right" talk from someone in a position of authority outside of the family.

The only thing being 17 in the state of Missouri grants you is that you will be tried as an adult when you commit crimes, and that the police are not required to bring you home if you're reported as a runaway. Nothing prevents you from going to where she is and fetching her back yourself, and nothing prevents you from having anyone who harbors her prosecuted.

Make it clear that if she manages to sneak out and she is arrested for whatever shenanigans she gets up to, you will not bail her out. Stick to that. Make it extra clear that on her 18th birthday, she is out the door, her crap on the lawn and the locks changed, to do as she pleases on her own dime.

Thanks for your response. I am still trying to figure out this site. And yes,i have taken all of the important things from her room,including her door knob so she cannot lock her door. One of my problems are my hours at work. There is about a 2 hour span between the time they get out of school,and when i get home from work. So there,s really not much i feel i can do if she wants to leave. Like just this last friday, she called me at work asking to go home with a friend to get ready for the school dance & wanted to spend the night after. I tokd her no to the spending the night,as we were trying to work on" trust".But i was trying to negotiate,& gave permission to go to the friends to get ready for dance. I had taken and picked up my other daughter from this dance,but my oldest was no where to be found. I ended up looking at her instagram account on one of her phones I had taken,and found out she had been planning for a couple days previous,to go with sone friends after dance to go meet up with some boys and drink & stuff. She stayed gone all night.i hadnt heard from her since the call she made to me at work. She wasnt even with the friend she told me she was with. And one of the bad things are,that one of her "trouble making" friends live directly above us in our apartment building. I have really tried about everything. Have tried being the understanding,non judgemental parent. Have had many talks with her about some of my mistakes & regrets,& how some of my decisions have affected me & others for years to come. I didnt want her to feel like i was just a perfect person barking orders at her,but a person who also has made mistakes. Iv shared a lot of personal things as to try to get her to trust in me and confide in me. Pretty much telling her that i can handle anything as long as shes just honest about things. And have proven time and time again that i wont just flip out on her,or judge. But also though, that actions have consequences,not only in our home,but in society. And she is already getting a little taste of " society's laws" i have stood by her through everything, but she keeps lying to me and sneaking around every chance she gets.she even has her friends believing im some mean horrible parent,and none of them will even come around my house. She lies to them too. Im just in that fine line where part of me feels like i cant keep letting her make the rules of this house,& disregarding mine. If she feels shes an adult,then maybe she should go out and make it on her own. But the other part is scared to death to do that,because i dont want to lose her for good by making her leave. And i know she would just go stay with these friends who shes been sneaking around with anyway. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I finally just gave her phone back,because i know she will just get another one somehow. And id rather be able to get ahold of her ,instead of not knowing where she is,& not being able to reach her. I also can gps track her that way :)

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And i do keep my keys,purse,etc. On me or hidden all the time now. And yes,she has a job in which i take her and pick her up. I do not let her take my car anymore at all.and since we hired her a lawyer for her traffic violations,she has been giving me all of her paychecks, which arnt that much,but regardless,she does. And like i said earlier, i bought a door alarm and cameras that stream a live feed to my phone & record videos which are motion activated,which i can view while at work or whenever. It also has a two way communication . Anyway, short of tying her up(which i cant do lol) im not sure what to do. Someone i work with told me that if she leaves the house again without my permission,that i CAN do something. One thing could involve her going to juvenile detention? Not sure as i havnt gotten all of the exact info. Thats kind of why im trying to do some research on what i can or cant do for sure. I love her and dont want to push her away further,but i also cannot let her make the rules of this house. I have to do something

I'm seeing that you're far too concerned with how others will perceive you and your parenting. STOP THAT. She's doing that because she knows it will upset you, and she knows how to manipulate you to the Nth degree.

Now. You're also far too sensitive to what happens in forums. There's no reason to call anyone a jerk on this thread, so don't do it.

Ultimately what I'm seeing is a teen who has decided she runs everything and everyone has allowed her to, for a long time. She's playing you like a fiddle - you're worried about losing her for good? Stop it! Because catering to her whims is pretty much a guarantee that she WILL run you ragged into the ground.

Be a parent. and when you put your foot down - and you will put your foot down, right? - STICK to it. You set the rules, not her and you need to be adult here because the way she's carrying on she's going to keep making mistakes until something drastic happens.

I've just done a bit of Googling, too, and there are some really great sites and forums dealing with a difficult teen. There is help. There is hope. But it has to start with you.

Ok, thank you to everyone who has replied, but can anyone tell me how i can just delete my profile? This is not at all what I thought it was going to be. I was trying to look up and find out exactly what the laws are in my state concerning a 17 year old,(or minor) child,so when she decides she wants to leave again,I know what i can and cannot do,or what my options are. Yes,i realize im sensitive,and also that iv got to be firm and put my foot down and stick to my guns. That is exactly what I am trying to do. Was only trying to get educated. Until recently,i didnt realize these things were going on as frequent as they are. What im trying to do now, is to get all the info i need to know legally,just in case, to be prepared. I know i am not a perfect parent by any means, and welcome advice. But mainly was looking for some facts,not just people telling me what i already know,and basicallyy telling me im a failure as a parent. I know she is 17, but i refuse to just give up. As long as i have a breath in me,i wont stop trying! So,i appologize for being defensive to anyone. We have recently gone through some very hard personal changes, which no one knows about. Only from the few posts iv made,in which opinions are formed. I am working very hard on trying to regain control as a parent,but still have a relationship with my daughter. It was just very frustrating when trying to reach out for help, the 1st place i went to online, i get insulted off the bat by the 1st response i got,so yes,i got defensive. Anyway, i will just keep doing my research until i find what i need. Again apologies,and thank you to the ones who actually tried offering non judgmental advice. :D

You don't - delete your profile, that is. That's in the TOS - once it's here, it's here to stay.

But if you're looking for laws you can wave under your daughter's nose to tell her she can't do what she wants to do, you're in the wrong state for that. There's aren't specific laws giving you permission to parent your child.

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Quoting rvnstamper

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Ok, thank you to everyone who has replied, but can anyone tell me how i can just delete my profile? This is not at all what I thought it was going to be. I was trying to look up and find out exactly what the laws are in my state concerning a 17 year old,(or minor) child,so when she decides she wants to leave again,I know what i can and cannot do,or what my options are. Yes,i realize im sensitive,and also that iv got to be firm and put my foot down and stick to my guns. That is exactly what I am trying to do. Was only trying to get educated. Until recently,i didnt realize these things were going on as frequent as they are. What im trying to do now, is to get all the info i need to know legally,just in case, to be prepared. I know i am not a perfect parent by any means, and welcome advice. But mainly was looking for some facts,not just people telling me what i already know,and basicallyy telling me im a failure as a parent. I know she is 17, but i refuse to just give up. As long as i have a breath in me,i wont stop trying! So,i appologize for being defensive to anyone. We have recently gone through some very hard personal changes, which no one knows about. Only from the few posts iv made,in which opinions are formed. I am working very hard on trying to regain control as a parent,but still have a relationship with my daughter. It was just very frustrating when trying to reach out for help, the 1st place i went to online, i get insulted off the bat by the 1st response i got,so yes,i got defensive. Anyway, i will just keep doing my research until i find what i need. Again apologies,and thank you to the ones who actually tried offering non judgmental advice. :D

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The first response was written by one of the most unbiased, fairest people who post here. You got offended by CBG? And you think she was insulting you? Well, we can see quite clearly what's actually happened with your daughter.

Good luck.

Doggie - there were a couple of posts before mine that have been deleted. She wasn't talking about me. I don't think.

In that case, I'm sorry OP. I do apologize.

Still, the fact remains - your daughter needed some very firm parenting and you have some hard decisions to make.

Again I'm sorry.

No i was not talking about your.i deleted his post. He was very rude to me .i just didnt need that,especially since i am on here and trying to actually do things to help my daughter,but also prepare fore worse case scenario. I am not one of these parents who just dont care what their kids do. I am trying to be proactive.

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This is not at all what I thought it was going to be.

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You know, we're awfully clear in the disclaimer at the bottom of every page.

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I was trying to look up and find out exactly what the laws are in my state concerning a 17 year old,(or minor) child,so when she decides she wants to leave again,I know what i can and cannot do,or what my options are.

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There is no state in the Union that explicitly spells out what you can and cannot do, with the exception of abusing your child. You can take everything away. You can - and SHOULD - exercise the option of NO.

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But mainly was looking for some facts

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We GAVE you facts:

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The only thing being 17 in the state of Missouri grants you is that you will be tried as an adult when you commit crimes, and that the police are not required to bring you home if you're reported as a runaway. Nothing prevents you from going to where she is and fetching her back yourself, and nothing prevents you from having anyone who harbors her prosecuted.

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Those are the facts. Until she reaches the age of majority - 18 - she is under your care and control, and you are legally responsible for anything she does. That means that you actually need to exert control. This:

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But i was trying to negotiate

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Needs to STOP. When your daughter is acting the way she is acting, "Because I SAID SO!" is the only negotiation that should be happening if you want to keep your sanity.

A plan that has been known to work by a couple of parents I've worked with over the years: (The key element that they all shared was that the teen in question was disregarding rules because they wanted to party/hang with friends....NOT that there was a romantic interest...that sort of thing requires an altogether different approach.)

Get yourself a small storage unit. Make sure you have the only key and that you keep the location secret (dont leave the rental contract lay around the house). Get three of the ugliest neon yellow sweatpants you can find. And three of the hottest pink sweatshirts. With Sponge Bob or something similarly "un-cool". The more juvenile, the better. Put ALL of her clothes (other than socks, underwear, bras) and all but one pair of shoes in that storage unit. In their place, put the sweats. Then force her to earn her clothes back with desired behavior. If she behaves for the week, you let her list 8 specific items that she wants back, and you will pick 4 of those to be returned to her. (That way she doesn't get back all the "best stuff" too quickly, allowing her to resume her bad behaviors at whatever point she's willing to sacrifice what's left.)

The first mom I knew of who tried this had several family members waiting in the back yard and when her teen came home and got in the shower, they cleaned ALL of her clothes out in about 4 minutes....including the clothes she had been wearing, piled on the bathroom sink. The key is that you have to find your child's "currency". Find something that is SO important to her, that she is willing to modify her behavior to have access to it. Wanna guess how many times she'll be willing to be seen by her friends in bad clothes? Not only at school, but anywhere else. For girls hell bent on hanging with friends, it doesn't get much more important than clothing. And make up. And if she attempts to go out and steal clothes/make up, then you let her take the fall if caught. Let it be as miserable as possible. If she doesn't learn to control her behavior while she's young enough for a juvenile record (which goes away), then an adult criminal record may well loom in her future. That WONT go away. And, when she complains to the judge that she "had to" steal clothes or make up because her mean old mother took them away from her, you will score major brownie points with the judge and the judge will understand just HOW defiant your daughter is and will be more likely to sentence her accordingly (ie harsher, since low level punishments apparantly haven't worked). If the court allows your input, do NOT plead for mercy. Be honest and tell the judge that you're at the end of your rope; you're trying, you're reaching out for help and suggestions; but that no punishment tried so far seems to have made a difference. Hope that she gets a creative judge who will know exactly what type of misery might prevail, and that the sentence is substantial enough to make her think twice the next time she wants to skirt the rules.

She needs to know that she cannot win. Right now she's playing you like a violin, and you've GOT to put a stop to it. Don't talk to her about this plan ahead of time, don't threaten to do it - strangely, a lot of her stuff will simply "vanish" if she has advance notice. Simply IMPLEMENT it. Fast. With no warning, no discussion. She needs to come home and see that it's already HAPPENED; that her stuff is already GONE. Until you give her an "oh shit" or "check mate" moment, she'll continue to be in control. YOU need to take back that control in a way that leaves no room for doubt or negotiation.

Also, when she shows up with phones, you call police and turn the phone over to them as "found property" since you have no idea where it came from (it may be stolen, may have been obtained fraudulently, etc.). Let them track down wherever she's sourcing these phones. It's common with teens to tell parents their own phone was lost or stolen so they'll get a replacement, then they simply give their old phone to a friend, like your daughter. Once police show up at the home of one of these friends and the friend's parents learn of the scam, that'll put an end to phones appearing by magic. The more other parents of your child's "clique" you can engage, the better.

How will you feel if she is killed while she is out drinking ? You are far too concerned with what she thinks. She isn't suppose to like you, she is a teenager.

if you want to push her away and make her resent you even more some of the play it hard advice you got here will work great, on the other hand I would suggest a more liberal approach due to her age, become her friend, work with her, if she wants to go out let her, drive her even, become her buddy, that way say she goes out gets drunk (that will happen) she will have no issues on calling you for help etc, a teenage girl is going to get into trouble no matter how hard nose you will act. its better to be a friend compared to the do as I demand parent, that only works to age 14 most of the time.

give her more freedom, let her do what she wants and be there for when she falls, sit down and talk about it, let her learn from the mistakes with no penalties from you.

I am a great believer in treading cautiously when dealing with older teens, because you really can lose them as adults if you do not handle things right. However, that is when we are talking about basically decent kids who simply want to test their own wings a bit.

You are far beyond that. This is a child that you are going to lose at age 18 the way things are going now. Your only hope of getting her back on the right track is exerting serious parental control. That doesn't mean waving a law under her nose, it means chasing her down and scaring the bejesus out of the people that she is with, so that THEY end up scared that THEY will be in trouble if they enable her.

The one and only time my daughter ever attempted to pull off the "stay out all night and I had no idea where she was bit" ended up being a nightmare for her. I called every person she knew whose phone number I could find, I talked to parents whenever possible, when I got a name and an approximate area I got on one of those people search places and got every possible name and address I could find and then started knocking on doors...which got me more information. When I got to the right place I pounded on the door stating who I was and that I was going to be calling the police if my MINOR child did not immediately appear and they literally shoved her out the door, along with a friend of hers that I promptly returned to her own parents.

While the police won't necessarily help retrieve a 17 year old if ANYTHING untoward is going on in the home /place where that 17 year old is the last thing that they are going to want is the policing showing up...and if nothing untoward is going on the last thing that the adults in the household want is for the police to be showing up as well.

That whole night resulted in some pretty serious humiliation for my daughter. Yes, she was truly mad at me, but she was unwilling to risk that kind of humiliation again...and had plenty of other people letting her know just how "uncool" the whole thing was. I didn't end up being the bad guy with her world, she did.

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Quoting tonynewman

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if you want to push her away and make her resent you even more some of the play it hard advice you got here will work great, on the other hand I would suggest a more liberal approach due to her age, become her friend, work with her, if she wants to go out let her, drive her even, become her buddy, that way say she goes out gets drunk (that will happen) she will have no issues on calling you for help etc, a teenage girl is going to get into trouble no matter how hard nose you will act. its better to be a friend compared to the do as I demand parent, that only works to age 14 most of the time.

give her more freedom, let her do what she wants and be there for when she falls, sit down and talk about it, let her learn from the mistakes with no penalties from you.

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Oh. My. God.

You don't have kids, do you?

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Oh. My. God.

You don't have kids, do you?

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I was going to ask the few here that posted such hard nose advice that same question....

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Oh. My. God.

You don't have kids, do you?

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Clearly not...

Again, there can be a fine line between overexerting parental authority with older teens and letting them test their wings...but clearly that advice is absurd.

We had 6. My oldest told me one time "I hate you" my reply was, "good that means I'm doing my job." We are all close, especially the oldest and I. As has been said here being a parent is not an easy job. If you want a friend, go next door.

Tony, while there is something in your concern (you'll notice I said something of the same sort) since the child is already doing whatever she wants, when she wants, and not doing ANYTHING she's told, what makes you think that removing what few controls are still in place is going to make things better?

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Quoting LawResearcherMissy

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Those are the facts. Until she reaches the age of majority - 18 - she is under your care and control, and you are legally responsible for anything she does.

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A parent is not legally responsible for everything a child does. Legal responsibility typically extends to statutory liability for certain willful misconduct (subject to dollar limits), such as property destruction offenses or civil demands for shoplifting, potential liability for negligent supervision when the child is in the parent's care (that would not, for example, extend to the middle of a school day when the kid is in school and the parent is at work), negligent entrustment of a vehicle, and the like.

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Quoting cbg

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Tony, while there is something in your concern (you'll notice I said something of the same sort) since the child is already doing whatever she wants, when she wants, and not doing ANYTHING she's told, what makes you think that removing what few controls are still in place is going to make things better?

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There's no one-size-fits-all answer to trying to turn around a seventeen-year-old's behavior. The extreme authoritarian approach can easily backfire with a teen of that age. Extreme permissiveness, though, is likely to turn out to be a recipe for disaster.

she is acting out due to being told what to do or some other issue (could be a number of things) defuse the situation with my advice, she is 17 with only months left until 18 become a friend, get to know her on that level at this point, it will work wonders.

instead of "do not do this, if you do this is how you will be punished" type of thing that will only create resentment and or a sneaky teenager

try "as a friend this is my concern, or that really makes me worry about you when..." type of speaking with no penalties, "if you ever need help you can call me no matter what at anytime and I will be there for you and not yell and judge"

treat her as a peer/adult now, that is what most acting out 17 year old girls want, doing this will help bring you closer and she will learn to be able to come to you for advice like her friends, it will take some time for her to develop this new found trust, but its a proven method, she is not a little girl anymore and does not want to be treated as such, by giving her all this freedom she will tone down. you will also now be able to really understand her issues as she will come and talk about issues young adults have as a friend and not worry about penalties and judging/yelling.

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Quoting tonynewman

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she is acting out due to being told what to do or some other issue (could be a number of things) defuse the situation with my advice, she is 17 with only months left until 18 become a friend, get to know her on that level at this point, it will work wonders.

instead of "do not do this, if you do this is how you will be punished" type of thing that will only create resentment and or a sneaky teenager

try "as a friend this is my concern, or that really makes me worry about you when..." type of speaking with no penalties, "if you ever need help you can call me no matter what at anytime and I will be there for you and not yell and judge"

treat her as a peer/adult now, that is what most acting out 17 year old girls want, doing this will help bring you closer and she will learn to be able to come to you for advice like her friends, it will take some time for her to develop this new found trust, but its a proven method, she is not a little girl anymore and does not want to be treated as such, by giving her all this freedom she will tone down. you will also now be able to really understand her issues as she will come and talk about issues young adults have as a friend and not worry about penalties and judging/yelling.

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Tony.
Seriously.
Read the OP's posts again.

Seriously, 17 is too late for one to decide to be real parent. Now you must figure out how to live with her until she is 18 and no longer your problem. The damage was done years ago.

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Quoting Disagreeable

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Seriously, 17 is too late for one to decide to be real parent. Now you must figure out how to live with her until she is 18 and no longer your problem. The damage was done years ago.

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I'm truly astonished as to why Tony is apparently advocating "best bud" for the next few months. Rewarding the kid for that atrocious behavior is going to serve her well in the future.

Not.

when the only tool you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail. with only months from 18, all these grand schemes of punishments will only create resentment and revenge thoughts, she will shut everything out and count down the days until she can move into some guys apartment and that man will have everything her father cant stand by her own design. now is the perfect time to parent the way I have stated, it will build an adult relationship with trust and understanding.

punishing, yelling, judging is never the answer in teenagers,,, rather love, understanding and explaining feelings is the key, that's what truly works, not threats and installing fear into a 17 year old girls mind. that will only be a temporary band aid that will only last until 18 and ruin the adult relationship if any afterwards for a very long time.

She isn't an adult now and she is a very long way from it. Her turning 18 won't change the way she is acting, except it will get worse before it gets better. I hope the parents are prepared for that.

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Quoting tonynewman

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when the only tool you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail. with only months from 18, all these grand schemes of punishments will only create resentment and revenge thoughts, she will shut everything out and count down the days until she can move into some guys apartment and that man will have everything her father cant stand by her own design. now is the perfect time to parent the way I have stated, it will build an adult relationship with trust and understanding.

punishing, yelling, judging is never the answer in teenagers,,, rather love, understanding and explaining feelings is the key, that's what truly works, not threats and installing fear into a 17 year old girls mind. that will only be a temporary band aid that will only last until 18 and ruin the adult relationship if any afterwards for a very long time.

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You don't have children, do you?

I hold my hands up in despair. You, very simply, don't get it.

Tonynewman:

Worst advice ever!!!

OP's daughter is heading straight towards a life as an unemployed, single teen mother, with an absent baby daddy, at the rate she's going. She already has plenty of friends! What she needs is a parent!

Says this mom of a teenage daughter!

" now is the perfect time to parent the way I have stated, it will build an adult relationship with trust and understanding." tonynewman Reply # 27

Dogmatique, they have just begun to parent this way. They haven't learned anything from it.

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Quoting Mercy&Grace

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" now is the perfect time to parent the way I have stated, it will build an adult relationship with trust and understanding." tonynewman Reply # 27

Dogmatique, they have just begun to parent this way. They haven't learned anything from it.

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That was my point. You can't start parenting your child properly 6 months before they turn 18. Are you misreading?

Dogmatique, not misreading. I'm agreeing.

Sigh.

I apologize, Mercy. I could blame it on new meds, but the reality is that I was just confused.

(And admittedly completely appalled at tony's responses here)

you keep repeatedly saying my way of parenting is wrong,, and you are also now "appalled" at the very thought of my parenting advice and your way is the correct and only way to parent a teenage girl is the vibe you are tossing out.

lets examine that for a moment, how you are acting here, you don't want to have any discussion nor understanding about anything I have said, no part of anything I have talked about is correct, because it is not inline with your beliefs of how to properly guide a child. its your way or the highway and you want to hear no part of anything I have to say, and it would even surprise you that I may in fact have a daughter.

do you think your over bearing control has spilled into your normal day to day interactions with others and you cant see others opinions and advice as just that, instead of seeing that everything I have said is just wrong period.

you are showing a lack of understanding and reasoning in this parenting area, example, instead of being completely appalled at what I wrote you could have explained to me what I said that upset you and what you don't agree with in this matter. not that im just wrong, and your appalled.

if you would have done that, I might have took what you said and thought about it,, offered a more detailed explanation or maybe even see things in your own light, but you never learned those skills probably due to how you were raised as I child, not saying that is the case, but there have been studies on how generations of parenting gets handed down, an example would be that people that got spanked (or when I grew up got the belt) tend to strike their own children as well, but same goes with lack of understanding on a personal level and that "do as I say or else" attitude will get handed down over generations as well.

many new (now proven) ideas of parenting have came to light in the last couple of decades such as the method I have described in my posts, there are many ways to raise children and they will grow up normal there is no set way to parent, you need to be able to change ideas, try new things when something does not work out, to have understanding with a child explain to them, not just the do as I say or this is going to happen, or the im right and your wrong thing all the time.

but im sure you will say once again im wrong, im not going to further this anymore, but I hope you can learn something from the things I have taken the time to explain.

Quote:

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Quoting tonynewman

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you keep repeatedly saying my way of parenting is wrong,, and you are also now "appalled" at the very thought of my parenting advice and your way is the correct and only way to parent a teenage girl is the vibe you are tossing out.

lets examine that for a moment, how you are acting here, you don't want to have any discussion nor understanding about anything I have said, no part of anything I have talked about is correct, because it is not inline with your beliefs of how to properly guide a child. its your way or the highway and you want to hear no part of anything I have to say, and it would even surprise you that I may in fact have a daughter.

do you think your over bearing control has spilled into your normal day to day interactions with others and you cant see others opinions and advice as just that, instead of seeing that everything I have said is just wrong period.

you are showing a lack of understanding and reasoning in this parenting area, example, instead of being completely appalled at what I wrote you could have explained to me what I said that upset you and what you don't agree with in this matter. not that im just wrong, and your appalled.

if you would have done that, I might have took what you said and thought about it,, offered a more detailed explanation or maybe even see things in your own light, but you never learned those skills probably due to how you were raised as I child, not saying that is the case, but there have been studies on how generations of parenting gets handed down, an example would be that people that got spanked (or when I grew up got the belt) tend to strike their own children as well, but same goes with lack of understanding on a personal level and that "do as I say or else" attitude will get handed down over generations as well.

many new (now proven) ideas of parenting have came to light in the last couple of decades such as the method I have described in my posts, there are many ways to raise children and they will grow up normal there is no set way to parent, you need to be able to change ideas, try new things when something does not work out, to have understanding with a child explain to them, not just the do as I say or this is going to happen, or the im right and your wrong thing all the time.

but im sure you will say once again im wrong, im not going to further this anymore, but I hope you can learn something from the things I have taken the time to explain.

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Hon, haven't you noticed that the only person agreeing with you is.... you?

Fair thee well.

And next time? Do it in PM.

Tony, most of the rest of us are parents, and have some experience with this. Do you?

My 6 grown children range in age from 29-41. I have experience. I've seen what the "be your childs friend, not the parent" approach has cost families in my work and with friends.

Aside from which approach is best, the OP's daughter is 17 and changing approaches now will do no good and only confuse the 17 yr old more. Being consistent is of vital importance.

Dogmatique, no need to apologize Sweetie. We all get confused sometimes.

Don't mind him. Virtually everyone else shares the same point of view as I; it's just that I'm wearing a "Target" t-shirt. :D

::::::quickly moves the laser dot off Doggie's forehead and pretends to just be playing with the cat::::