Behavior Problems With My Seventeen-Year-Old Daughter

My question involves juvenile law in the State of:Missouri

Things have progresivly gotten worse over the last 2 years. My daughter lies,cheats& steals. I have caught her sneaking out,or back in our house a few times, which i have found out,after taking her cell phone,that she actually sneaks out quite frequently. Through reading her text messages,i have found out so much more. She has been drinking,& smoking pot with groups of friends,basically "partying". Most of the time when she asks me to spend the night with a certain friend,she actually does something different. Has even had me talk to people who i believed to be a parent or family member confirming her story to me. Its turned out to be a lie as well. Through reading her texts,i also believe she has taken my car without my permission at times when she has snuck out. One of my sets of keys has been missing for a couple months now.She has also stolen several times. She got caught stealing from a few stores in the mall ,and had to complete a teen court program. She has also stolen money or other items from other household members, & from myself. One time ,i sent her to store with my debit card to get a specific item,and she got cash back for herself. She has also taken things from other friends or family members. She has been sexually active for awhile now,with multiple partners. She is barely making it through school in her important classes. Also,every time i have taken her cell phone,which has been her source of making plans with her friends,she just gets another one somehow,and hides it from me until i find that one too. In the last month,she has had 4 different phones. She tried running away once. Another time she had been grounded,she left for the weekend without my permission saying she just needed a break because she felt i tried finding reasons to be mad at her. But it was just a cover for her to party with her friends that weekend. She basically disregards my rules of the house,or any consequences i give her,& does what she wants anyway. I feel like I cant go to sleep at night.She cannot tell me the truth to save her life,even if i have proof she will deny . She has given me the " I'm 17,so there's nothing you can do" line. I feel like my daughter is running my household. I am at my whits end! I have another daughter who is 15,who has always been the straight A student,and is very responsible. I feel i cant focus on her,because I am always investigating everything my oldest is doing. I am so afraid every day,that she is just going to leave and not come back. But with her view of being 17,& believing I cant do anything about what she does, she just keeps doing these things. I have even recently bought a door alarm that is armed/ disarmed with a key, and a camera which i put in view of the front door to monitor her coming and going. I feel like a prison warden! I have been so stressed out, this is affecting my health even . I guess my question is, what are the laws in the state of Missouri as far as her leaving without my permission, & also emancipation? Or is there anything else within the law i can do to show her that i can do something even though she is 17?

Missouri is one of those few states where law enforcement is reluctant to return a runaway 17 year old home if she is in a safe place and her parents know where she is. She does NOT qualify for emancipation.

But what you can do, if you really want to take it to an extreme, is remove everything from her room, including the door, except a mattress and two changes of weather appropriate clothing. Everything else, including all her electronics, books, games, computer, etc., she needs to earn back. If she needs the computer for school, she uses it in the living room under supervision. You drive her to school and you pick her back up again. She goes nowhere but school and church, if you are a churchgoing family, until you say otherwise. Alarm the windows in her room.

You can legally do this, if you want to.

But think long and hard about what this will do to your relationship with her if you do. I'm not saying don't do it - you're the only one who knows if this will deliver a kick in the pants and bring her back into the fold, or if it will make matters worse. We can't judge that from here.

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I feel like my daughter is running my household.

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She is, and you're letting her. Time to step up your game, Mom.

In addition to the steps cbg has outlined above, it's time for you to get the locks changed on the car, and keep the keys on your person at all times. Inconvenient? Yep, but parenting often is. Does she have a job? Confiscate her paychecks (yes, you can do that until she's 18) and put her money in an account she can't access until she is 18. Don't let her anywhere near your debit or credit cards - and in fact, you should probably get new ones, she may have your numbers stashed somewhere. Buy a personal safe, and store your purse and financials in there.

Meet with her counselors at school and ask for a recommendation for a good therapist. The girl needs one, sometimes they need to get the "straighten up and fly right" talk from someone in a position of authority outside of the family.

The only thing being 17 in the state of Missouri grants you is that you will be tried as an adult when you commit crimes, and that the police are not required to bring you home if you're reported as a runaway. Nothing prevents you from going to where she is and fetching her back yourself, and nothing prevents you from having anyone who harbors her prosecuted.

Make it clear that if she manages to sneak out and she is arrested for whatever shenanigans she gets up to, you will not bail her out. Stick to that. Make it extra clear that on her 18th birthday, she is out the door, her crap on the lawn and the locks changed, to do as she pleases on her own dime.

Thanks for your response. I am still trying to figure out this site. And yes,i have taken all of the important things from her room,including her door knob so she cannot lock her door. One of my problems are my hours at work. There is about a 2 hour span between the time they get out of school,and when i get home from work. So there,s really not much i feel i can do if she wants to leave. Like just this last friday, she called me at work asking to go home with a friend to get ready for the school dance & wanted to spend the night after. I tokd her no to the spending the night,as we were trying to work on" trust".But i was trying to negotiate,& gave permission to go to the friends to get ready for dance. I had taken and picked up my other daughter from this dance,but my oldest was no where to be found. I ended up looking at her instagram account on one of her phones I had taken,and found out she had been planning for a couple days previous,to go with sone friends after dance to go meet up with some boys and drink & stuff. She stayed gone all night.i hadnt heard from her since the call she made to me at work. She wasnt even with the friend she told me she was with. And one of the bad things are,that one of her "trouble making" friends live directly above us in our apartment building. I have really tried about everything. Have tried being the understanding,non judgemental parent. Have had many talks with her about some of my mistakes & regrets,& how some of my decisions have affected me & others for years to come. I didnt want her to feel like i was just a perfect person barking orders at her,but a person who also has made mistakes. Iv shared a lot of personal things as to try to get her to trust in me and confide in me. Pretty much telling her that i can handle anything as long as shes just honest about things. And have proven time and time again that i wont just flip out on her,or judge. But also though, that actions have consequences,not only in our home,but in society. And she is already getting a little taste of " society's laws" i have stood by her through everything, but she keeps lying to me and sneaking around every chance she gets.she even has her friends believing im some mean horrible parent,and none of them will even come around my house. She lies to them too. Im just in that fine line where part of me feels like i cant keep letting her make the rules of this house,& disregarding mine. If she feels shes an adult,then maybe she should go out and make it on her own. But the other part is scared to death to do that,because i dont want to lose her for good by making her leave. And i know she would just go stay with these friends who shes been sneaking around with anyway. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I finally just gave her phone back,because i know she will just get another one somehow. And id rather be able to get ahold of her ,instead of not knowing where she is,& not being able to reach her. I also can gps track her that way :)

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And i do keep my keys,purse,etc. On me or hidden all the time now. And yes,she has a job in which i take her and pick her up. I do not let her take my car anymore at all.and since we hired her a lawyer for her traffic violations,she has been giving me all of her paychecks, which arnt that much,but regardless,she does. And like i said earlier, i bought a door alarm and cameras that stream a live feed to my phone & record videos which are motion activated,which i can view while at work or whenever. It also has a two way communication . Anyway, short of tying her up(which i cant do lol) im not sure what to do. Someone i work with told me that if she leaves the house again without my permission,that i CAN do something. One thing could involve her going to juvenile detention? Not sure as i havnt gotten all of the exact info. Thats kind of why im trying to do some research on what i can or cant do for sure. I love her and dont want to push her away further,but i also cannot let her make the rules of this house. I have to do something

I'm seeing that you're far too concerned with how others will perceive you and your parenting. STOP THAT. She's doing that because she knows it will upset you, and she knows how to manipulate you to the Nth degree.

Now. You're also far too sensitive to what happens in forums. There's no reason to call anyone a jerk on this thread, so don't do it.

Ultimately what I'm seeing is a teen who has decided she runs everything and everyone has allowed her to, for a long time. She's playing you like a fiddle - you're worried about losing her for good? Stop it! Because catering to her whims is pretty much a guarantee that she WILL run you ragged into the ground.

Be a parent. and when you put your foot down - and you will put your foot down, right? - STICK to it. You set the rules, not her and you need to be adult here because the way she's carrying on she's going to keep making mistakes until something drastic happens.

I've just done a bit of Googling, too, and there are some really great sites and forums dealing with a difficult teen. There is help. There is hope. But it has to start with you.

Ok, thank you to everyone who has replied, but can anyone tell me how i can just delete my profile? This is not at all what I thought it was going to be. I was trying to look up and find out exactly what the laws are in my state concerning a 17 year old,(or minor) child,so when she decides she wants to leave again,I know what i can and cannot do,or what my options are. Yes,i realize im sensitive,and also that iv got to be firm and put my foot down and stick to my guns. That is exactly what I am trying to do. Was only trying to get educated. Until recently,i didnt realize these things were going on as frequent as they are. What im trying to do now, is to get all the info i need to know legally,just in case, to be prepared. I know i am not a perfect parent by any means, and welcome advice. But mainly was looking for some facts,not just people telling me what i already know,and basicallyy telling me im a failure as a parent. I know she is 17, but i refuse to just give up. As long as i have a breath in me,i wont stop trying! So,i appologize for being defensive to anyone. We have recently gone through some very hard personal changes, which no one knows about. Only from the few posts iv made,in which opinions are formed. I am working very hard on trying to regain control as a parent,but still have a relationship with my daughter. It was just very frustrating when trying to reach out for help, the 1st place i went to online, i get insulted off the bat by the 1st response i got,so yes,i got defensive. Anyway, i will just keep doing my research until i find what i need. Again apologies,and thank you to the ones who actually tried offering non judgmental advice. :D

You don't - delete your profile, that is. That's in the TOS - once it's here, it's here to stay.

But if you're looking for laws you can wave under your daughter's nose to tell her she can't do what she wants to do, you're in the wrong state for that. There's aren't specific laws giving you permission to parent your child.

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Quoting rvnstamper

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Ok, thank you to everyone who has replied, but can anyone tell me how i can just delete my profile? This is not at all what I thought it was going to be. I was trying to look up and find out exactly what the laws are in my state concerning a 17 year old,(or minor) child,so when she decides she wants to leave again,I know what i can and cannot do,or what my options are. Yes,i realize im sensitive,and also that iv got to be firm and put my foot down and stick to my guns. That is exactly what I am trying to do. Was only trying to get educated. Until recently,i didnt realize these things were going on as frequent as they are. What im trying to do now, is to get all the info i need to know legally,just in case, to be prepared. I know i am not a perfect parent by any means, and welcome advice. But mainly was looking for some facts,not just people telling me what i already know,and basicallyy telling me im a failure as a parent. I know she is 17, but i refuse to just give up. As long as i have a breath in me,i wont stop trying! So,i appologize for being defensive to anyone. We have recently gone through some very hard personal changes, which no one knows about. Only from the few posts iv made,in which opinions are formed. I am working very hard on trying to regain control as a parent,but still have a relationship with my daughter. It was just very frustrating when trying to reach out for help, the 1st place i went to online, i get insulted off the bat by the 1st response i got,so yes,i got defensive. Anyway, i will just keep doing my research until i find what i need. Again apologies,and thank you to the ones who actually tried offering non judgmental advice. :D

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The first response was written by one of the most unbiased, fairest people who post here. You got offended by CBG? And you think she was insulting you? Well, we can see quite clearly what's actually happened with your daughter.

Good luck.

Doggie - there were a couple of posts before mine that have been deleted. She wasn't talking about me. I don't think.

In that case, I'm sorry OP. I do apologize.

Still, the fact remains - your daughter needed some very firm parenting and you have some hard decisions to make.

Again I'm sorry.