Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
Dogmatique
Video game - not about Grandma
Smoking - not about Grandma
Bad neighborhood - not Grandma.
Admitting to wanting Dad to have no custody - not Grandma
Grandma is an excuse.
I disagree. Grandma was the catalyst for dad filing to modify custody. Mom is simply grasping at straws as a way to keep the status quo, because she knows that its grandma who is going to call the shots.
Also, in response to wess1881. There is a difference between joint legal custody and a 50/50 timeshare. Dad isn't just asking for joint legal custody, he is asking for a 50/50 timeshare as well. I agree that its likely that dad will get joint legal custody (joint decision making). I happen to think that is unfortunate because I am convinced that means that grandma will be making dad's decisions, but I still agree because its the norm. Its the 50/50 part that dad is unlikely to get.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
I must have read something wrong somewhere, I was under the impression that dad was more or less ok with the visitation plan and was only asking for 50/50 legal custody. My apologies, I agree with you llworking in regards to that 50/50 timeshare.
But I am also curious if dad/grandma could use the home schooling against mom in regards to more time for dad/grandma. If mom is doing the home schooling, could they argue that the home schooling time is a part of moms parenting time, and therefore dad should have more time with son as mom is getting more time with son than other custodial parents of typically schooled children are?
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
llworking
I disagree. Grandma was the catalyst for dad filing to modify custody. Mom is simply grasping at straws as a way to keep the status quo, because she knows that its grandma who is going to call the shots.
Also, in response to wess1881. There is a difference between joint legal custody and a 50/50 timeshare. Dad isn't just asking for joint legal custody, he is asking for a 50/50 timeshare as well. I agree that its likely that dad will get joint legal custody (joint decision making). I happen to think that is unfortunate because I am convinced that means that grandma will be making dad's decisions, but I still agree because its the norm. Its the 50/50 part that dad is unlikely to get.
Does that make it OK for OP to fling everything at the wall in the hopes that something will stick?
She is clearly - clearly - digging up to dirt on Dad and I simply don't believe that's going to end well for Mom.
Dad: martyr, alienated by a vindictive mother
Mom: Evil harridan intent on making sure Dad has no part of the decision-making process.
That's how it's going to be painted in the court-room, regardless of whether or not those statements are accurate. If grandma is going to be an overbearing biddy, then a court order isn't going to stop her nor will it stop Dad allowing that to go on.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
It doesn't sound like there is much history of this case in the court yes? By your own omission, dad didn't want much to do with this boy until September of last year? So there isn't much history for the courts to go off of. If this was the 4th time you were going to court, saying these things about dad not putting the child's best interests first for the 4th time, you *might* have a better chance of the court being on your side and seeing things the way you see them.
However, it sounds like this is the first time this is being brought to court. So considering the courts only have so much time to dedicate to your case, what do they really have to go off of? They will have your "evidence" about grandma pulling the strings, and they have a dad who wants to be more involved in his sons life. I don't think it will matter what you believe his intentions to be, the court will see it as a cut and dry matter of a father who is trying to step up. And as other posters have mentioned, your state favors joint legal custody.
Is there a reason you are so against joint legal custody? With this custody in place, you will essentially go about things as you are doing now, and if you can't reach a decision, the court will assist you in getting there.
We have been to court several times over child support in a different county. He's never asked for custody.
I am against joint legal because a court order to force us to try to work together will certainly result in further litigation and is just not justified right now. Maybe it could be in the future I don't know. If dad is willing to tolerate the uncomfortable situation of discussing something we disagree on rationally then we might come to understand each other better. I can't be the only one talking, that's not cooperating. We are not going to agree on the big stuff, we are from vastly different backgrounds, and live under completely different world views and philosophy - some have used the language "parenting style" to describe differences between parents, but there is such a thing as bad parenting and it doesn't necessarily have to be abusive to be bad (IMO.)
Since the real issue here is school, I don't want him to have the authority to change schools against my wishes. That's the big deal with legal custody.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
Mom521
We have been to court several times over child support in a different county. He's never asked for custody.
I am against joint legal because a court order to force us to try to work together will certainly result in further litigation and is just not justified right now. Maybe it could be in the future I don't know. If dad is willing to tolerate the uncomfortable situation of discussing something we disagree on rationally then we might come to understand each other better. I can't be the only one talking, that's not cooperating. We are not going to agree on the big stuff, we are from vastly different backgrounds, and live under completely different world views and philosophy - some have used the language "parenting style" to describe differences between parents, but there is such a thing as bad parenting and it doesn't necessarily have to be abusive to be bad (IMO.)
Since the real issue here is school, I don't want him to have the authority to change schools against my wishes. That's the big deal with legal custody.
"Bad parenting" is subjective here, as you believe home schooling is best and dad/grandma doesn't agree.
If you are the custodial parent, and it seems like dad is only doing weekend visits at this point (I think?), how would he go about enrolling your son in a public school and forcing him to go if son is with you monday - friday?
If homeschooling is really the only issue here, why is it an issue? It sounds like the biggest complaint dad/grandma has against it is you dont have the time/education to do it successfully, and that you will be alienating your son socially. It seems like you have evidence to combat this argument (having son in karate, enrolling him in a distance education program so the school is still involved in the curriculum planning, etc.). What is your reason for wanting this? Do you feel it would be best for your son to have more direct teaching, is the public school lacking in some area that you feel homeschooling would fill? Perhaps you can offer up the solution of private school if dad/grandma consider to resist. Maybe once dads wallet gets the pinch, he will be less willing to fight your wishes.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
EA1070a
What dad chooses to do with his visitation (let this child spend time with his grandparents) is up to dad. That's commonly the only way the NCP's parents can see their grandchildren.
Exactly what I told them when I cut her off. :)
Quote:
Quoting
EA1070a
Most of the individuals listed who could testify - well, saying they can testify and the reality of them actually coming to court is slim to none, and most judges aren't going to accept letters because a letter cannot be cross examined. The only individual whose testimony might actually mean something is the social worker's, which raises the question of why is a social worker involved? The rest are fairly self-serving.
They filed a complaint against me with DCS for neglect which was promptly closed with no recommendation.
Quote:
Quoting
EA1070a
If dad is seeking joint legal, which, as we've pointed out, is favored in TN, it will likely be awarded.
What happens if we have joint and he takes action against my wishes or behind my back? Changing schools being the thing I am most concerned about...
Quote:
Quoting
EA1070a
...in another thread you say you refuse to agree to TN's standard parenting plan.
I won't sign the standard non-disparagement clause because it is worded too broadly. Not allowed to badmouth other parent - but does not lay responsibility to assure that others do not badmouth in child's presence. I personally think that a court order that tells me what I can and cannot say about my ex in all circumstances is too restricting. My wording changes the focus to what the child experiences without limiting right to complain to my girlfriends for example and includes protecting the child from OTHER people badmouthing... (like grandmas for example)
Quote:
Quoting
EA1070a
You also said you don't care if dad doesn't want your child homeschooled, you're doing it anyway.
I know it is the very best possible option open to us right now for my son. I can justify that up one side and down the other both generally and specifically about my child. Also, he didn't object until a month into the school year, in spite of knowing that was my intention from the very beginning... as in pregnancy.
Quote:
Quoting
EA1070a
You say you want dad to undergo a psych eval because he started smoking.
He started a toxic habit at 30 years old because he isn't able to cope with stress he's experiencing NOW and depression from events several years past... he struggles with depression and openly admits that.
- - - Updated - - -
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
But I am also curious if dad/grandma could use the home schooling against mom in regards to more time for dad/grandma. If mom is doing the home schooling, could they argue that the home schooling time is a part of moms parenting time, and therefore dad should have more time with son as mom is getting more time with son than other custodial parents of typically schooled children are?
Exactly why I have offered him and encouraged him to exercise parenting time for "any of [our son's] non-school hours" with the preface that we don't always end school at the same time every day, some days go rather late. I am not complaining, but I work whenever we don't have school. I have zero me-time. Sacrifice I was aware of when I arranged our lives to allow this, but I won't pay a babysitter for me to have some time to myself and I won't call Grandma either. So, you see, parenting time is NOT the issue here. He already has access to my son that he's asking for in his proposed parenting schedule.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Oh for crying out loud - do you not understand what's going on here?
THAT'S ALL HE HAS. Those inane little desires of yours? Video games? Smoking bs? THAT'S ALL HE HAS. His #1 weapon against you ... is YOU. And unless you grasp that and adjust accordingly, it's going to be Hiroshima.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
"Bad parenting" is subjective here, as you believe home schooling is best and dad/grandma doesn't agree.
Yes, subjective in part, but children are not as much of a mystery as some think. Each child is different, but research on methods and trends in parenting has led to a whole world of evidence that clearly favors certain "styles" of parenting over others for positive outcomes.
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
If you are the custodial parent, and it seems like dad is only doing weekend visits at this point (I think?), how would he go about enrolling your son in a public school and forcing him to go if son is with you Monday - Friday?
He is asking for every other week for parenting time.
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
If homeschooling is really the only issue here, why is it an issue?
Believe me, I have asked myself and tried to examine my logic for this choice time and time again. I used to very much value grandma's opinion and thoughts, and believed we were kind of friends. I know better now, but I certainly had my fair share of insecurity that I had to search out over her disagreement with me. I was fortunate to find several families that I have become friends with through this that have helped validate my choices.
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
It sounds like the biggest complaint dad/grandma has against it is you don't have the time/education to do it successfully, and that you will be alienating your son socially. It seems like you have evidence to combat this argument (having son in karate, enrolling him in a distance education program so the school is still involved in the curriculum planning, etc.).
When I was in sales at a large company one of the things we learned was that if a potential client's objection to buying keeps changing... you answer one objection and another pops up.. you aren't getting the REAL objection. You're getting excuses. That's what is happening here too. I am a little smarter than grandma gives me credit for, and I caught on to her very kindly worded attacks of my intelligence... she didn't like that very much. So I don't REALLY know what the big problem is in her mind.
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
What is your reason for wanting this? Do you feel it would be best for your son to have more direct teaching, is the public school lacking in some area that you feel homeschooling would fill?
My son struggled a lot in kindergarten because he is FAR ahead of the curriculum and didn't really get along with the other kids. He gets along great with kids a little older than him and does great in mixed age groups. He did not test into the gifted program, and it took the whole year of fighting, and I mean fighting, to get any accommodation to be made which ended up being going to the first grade class for about 15 minutes to do the language arts pathways with them. Happened about 10 times total. Also, as is common for academically advanced children, he started acting out, and his bad behavior escalated throughout the year. By the end of the year he was getting in trouble for hurting other kids, defiance towards the teacher, being disruptive in class, ect... He stopped reading at home, and his test scores went down... Another big problem for me was that I was not allowed in the classroom at all - my presence would violate the privacy of the other 5 year olds. I wanted to observe to see this alien child I was hearing of so I could help him... not allowed.
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
Perhaps you can offer up the solution of private school if dad/grandma consider to resist. Maybe once dads wallet gets the pinch, he will be less willing to fight your wishes.
My son was rejected by the only private school in our area because they felt he would be bored in his age class and they can't move kids ahead here. In the interview, while I was talking he started reading some of the signs on the wall, which were Bible verses, and the director looked at him with such astonishment. Proud mommy moment... but rejected. We couldn't afford it anyways. Neither of us.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
As the parent of an academically gifted child who had numerous disciplinary issues and problems relating to his peers, I can tell you from experience that it's essential that he have that interaction with others and learn how to cope with frustration. He also got along much better with adults and older kids.
I always told my son's teachers at the beginning of the school year that if they didn't keep him engaged, if he became bored, he would make their lives hell. I was on a first name basis with the elementary school principle and vice-principle.
When my kid would start to have a meltdown, the principle would go get him and walk the track with him, talk to him, give him time to cool down and calm down. He was a wonderful man and really cared a lot for my kid and more than that, he genuinely liked him.
His first grade teacher threw her hands up when he'd finished the sight words through the high school level in the first three weeks of school. His second grade teacher realized that my kid was far advanced and gave him harder work.
I loved his third grade teacher - a wonderful man in his 60s with a very sarcastic sense of humor similar to my son's. When my kid would finish his work way before the other kids, he'd hand it in and when he'd tell the teacher he was bored, his teacher would hand him Windex and paper towels and have him clean. My kid loved it.
Everything settled down in middle school when he was put into the advanced program (they don't have truly advanced programs in this district until middle school) and he made friends who are his intellectual equals. He started the band program in 5th grade (once a week) and enrolled in orchestra in middle school and stuck with it through high school. Being involved with music placed him in classes with his friends and other high achievers.
Removing your son from the problem means he won't learn proper coping skills. Yeah, he will get in trouble. Yeah, it sucks. I always thought having a dumb kid or a kid of average intelligence would have been much easier than a kid whose IQ puts him in the genius range.
Just my two cents.
And almost every thread you've started has been geared towards finding ways to reduce dad's access and participation in his son's life. One excuse after another. That's what so many folks here are reacting to, with the exception of one poster who is notorious for having a very negative attitude towards grandparents. If you go into court and rail against grandma the judge is going to get very annoyed, very quickly.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
Mom521
Yes, subjective in part, but children are not as much of a mystery as some think. Each child is different, but research on methods and trends in parenting has led to a whole world of evidence that clearly favors certain "styles" of parenting over others for positive outcomes.
Ok, and for every research paper that says one method is the absolute best, you will find another that says its the absolute worst. And then there is that whole nature versus nurture argument. It sounds like you had your heart set on homeschooling this child before he was even a thought (which begs to ask the question why was he even put into a public school if that is what you wanted from the get go, but I'm sure that will lead to another explanation with more unanswered questions). Yet every child is different, as you said, but you are making the argument that one size fits all. Sounds like a pretty dangerous assumption to make...
Quote:
Quoting
Mom521
My son struggled a lot in kindergarten because he is FAR ahead of the curriculum and didn't really get along with the other kids. He gets along great with kids a little older than him and does great in mixed age groups. He did not test into the gifted program, and it took the whole year of fighting, and I mean fighting, to get any accommodation to be made which ended up being going to the first grade class for about 15 minutes to do the language arts pathways with them. Happened about 10 times total. Also, as is common for academically advanced children, he started acting out, and his bad behavior escalated throughout the year. By the end of the year he was getting in trouble for hurting other kids, defiance towards the teacher, being disruptive in class, ect... He stopped reading at home, and his test scores went down... Another big problem for me was that I was not allowed in the classroom at all - my presence would violate the privacy of the other 5 year olds. I wanted to observe to see this alien child I was hearing of so I could help him... not allowed.
Quote:
Quoting
Mom521
My understanding of the law is that he will have the burden of proof to show it is in our child's best interest to change custody. Proving that my son is thriving in all areas of development right now is easy-peasy. I can parade a dozen or more professionals through the court that will praise my parenting (his doctors, babysitter, teachers, the social worker, karate teacher, parents of his friends, etc....)
Soooo his teachers will attest to your excellent parenting, and the fact that he is thriving in ALL areas of development. And they will do this while your son is acting out violently, disrupting HIS education as well as all other other students in his classroom, jeopardizing his social development by hurting his peers, and demonstrating he has no respect for his teachers authority.
You see this as him acting out in frustration that his class room isn't moving fast enough. His KINDERGARTEN class isn't moving fast enough. Far be it from me to judge your parenting and what exactly is going on with this school that they don't want parents involved in the classroom (although I can't help but feel this isn't a policy for all parents, it's just a policy against YOU as you have been fighting with them for a years time), but I can't help but feel you are only viewing things through your prism.
If I were dad, I would see a child that is suffering from a lack of discipline at home, and I would see a mom that is teaching her child that instead of following the rules, you can act like a little punk and mommy will make things better by removing you from the environment instead of teaching you the necessary coping skills. I would also see a mom who is obsessed with control. I hope for your sake, the courts don't see things that way.