Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
Mom521
WOW!! I had no idea that posting my concerns anonymously on a legal advise forum had so much power over my parenting in REAL LIFE!!!!
Golly-gee, I must be an idiot!
You've got a few idiotic expectations, to be sure. The thing is, we see this every day. Every. Day. It's practically formulaic and you are just shy of lifting him up into martyrdom.
Why do I say that?
Well, first he was never around. Did no parenting. Nothing. But when he wants to start over and be a more active parent...well, you don't want that. How can he become a better parent if you don't want to give him a chance to do so?
Here's what you've said:
Quote:
Can I do anything about my son's father sending him home in a condition that I am allergic to him? And what impact can this have in court either for or against me?
Quote:
They are playing dirty, and manipulating my son against me, and though they will lose in a fair fight, I don't have the money or power to ensure I get a fair fight or a fight at all right now, and if there is anything I can use to my advantage to make this stop I will - in our out of court. Maybe I haven't laid all this agony out for you clearly enough for you to understand why I have to keep looking for ANYTHING I can...
Quote:
brings him home in the evening after feeding him a bunch of sugary and caffeinated junk foods
Quote:
Another question: I want to introduce the VERY high crime rate in the area where his father lives if it is reasonable to do so in my petition. He lives in a rather small city, but the crime rate is extreme and there are two convicted sex offenders living within a quarter mile of him, and he's less than half a mile from a major drug area. I have already told him that I'm not comfortable coming into his neighborhood after dark to pick up my son so he'll either have to keep him until the next morning or take him to another location for me to pick him up. He responded like I was being ridiculous. There are at least two drug dealers on his street! SO, is it appropriate to address that with my petition and how would I go about doing that?
Quote:
This whole thing is really hard on me as you know.
Quote:
I don't want to thwart his access... custody (decision making) yes.
I do think those last two examples are very, very telling.
Get yourself an attorney. Because if a bunch of strangers on the 'Net can see right through you, imagine what's going to happen with the Judge does the same thing.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Well, I have been misunderstood by several posters here.. I am not trying to reduce visitation... not even opposed to him executing more visitation which has always been available to him. Never said I wanted the court to order him to stop smoking. My original question was about the condition my son is in upon return (very smelly.) As for the crime rate thing, I wasn't trying to reduce his visitation there either. By the way, since OP, I have addressed the smoking thing directly with him (and the crime rate thing we have resolved as well)... he apparently (like many smokers) didn't know that smoke lingers and creates toxicity in an environment long after the smoke cleared from the air... he says he's going to quit. We'll see what happens with that.
What he wants is being misunderstood too. His motivation here isn't about our son.. He's not trying to start over and be a more active parent... he's trying to get more parenting time for his mom and put our son back in the local school (because that's what his mom wants.) I think that because he didn't have an opinion at all about school until after I stopped letting my son go to his mom's house while I work - I found a babysitter that doesn't badmouth me to him. Grandma is the one paying the bill for the lawyer I believe... He knows just as well as I do that 50/50 time will mean more time for my son at grandma's house, not dads. I also believe that the time he has been spending with him since September is not about our son either.. but about putting on a good show for court. I fully expect to go back to the "I'll see him when I don't have something better to do" attitude that prevailed for the first 6 1/2 years of my son's life. I will think much better of him as a father if that doesn't happen, but I'm not holding my breath.
As far as decision making, I know the approach in court will matter, and if I can get a lawyer, they will know how to ask for what I want in the appropriate way which I am probably not able to do - I am emotional about this, and I do get defensive especially when someone lies about me, which he does a lot. (narcissist remember)
But here's what I think will happen based on the in person consultations I did when I was first trying to hire a lawyer....
The judge will see that the petition is about school - everything in it is about school and written in language that would have you believe my son is not being educated at all. I can show that dad didn't express his opinion about school until after my son was a month in and after the fight with him mom, "I don't know if you realize this but I agree with my mom" (she doesn't think homeschool is the best thing for my son, and we talked about it at length over and over... she never gave me a reason other than "I don't think he should be cooped up with YOU all day" or "I'll think he'll miss having friends" or "I worry about you not having time to sleep" which I dismiss outright because they are based on assumptions that I don't know how to make sure my son doesn't become anti-social - the latter had some merit because I was working two part time jobs, but together not even working 40 hours a week and one was working from home during the time I would normally be watching TV, but I only have one job now; also she told my son such things as "I am not a good teacher, he'll miss out on having friends, I'm not taking good care of him" and things like that) and after that only said "I don't like the way he's being educated, that's all I'm going to say about it." Then petition.
So, it will be obvious that this is about school and I can show dad did not have an opinion until way after decision making time, and refused to discuss it with me once he did have an opinion.
Would you consider that an example of resistance to co-parenting??
My understanding of the law is that he will have the burden of proof to show it is in our child's best interest to change custody. Proving that my son is thriving in all areas of development right now is easy-peasy. I can parade a dozen or more professionals through the court that will praise my parenting (his doctors, babysitter, teachers, the social worker, karate teacher, parents of his friends, etc....)
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
Mom521
Well, I have been misunderstood by several posters here.. I am not trying to reduce visitation... not even opposed to him executing more visitation which has always been available to him. Never said I wanted the court to order him to stop smoking. My original question was about the condition my son is in upon return (very smelly.) As for the crime rate thing, I wasn't trying to reduce his visitation there either. By the way, since OP, I have addressed the smoking thing directly with him (and the crime rate thing we have resolved as well)... he apparently (like many smokers) didn't know that smoke lingers and creates toxicity in an environment long after the smoke cleared from the air... he says he's going to quit. We'll see what happens with that.
What he wants is being misunderstood too. His motivation here isn't about our son.. He's not trying to start over and be a more active parent... he's trying to get more parenting time for his mom and put our son back in the local school (because that's what his mom wants.) I think that because he didn't have an opinion at all about school until after I stopped letting my son go to his mom's house while I work - I found a babysitter that doesn't badmouth me to him. Grandma is the one paying the bill for the lawyer I believe... He knows just as well as I do that 50/50 time will mean more time for my son at grandma's house, not dads. I also believe that the time he has been spending with him since September is not about our son either.. but about putting on a good show for court. I fully expect to go back to the "I'll see him when I don't have something better to do" attitude that prevailed for the first 6 1/2 years of my son's life. I will think much better of him as a father if that doesn't happen, but I'm not holding my breath.
As far as decision making, I know the approach in court will matter, and if I can get a lawyer, they will know how to ask for what I want in the appropriate way which I am probably not able to do - I am emotional about this, and I do get defensive especially when someone lies about me, which he does a lot. (narcissist remember)
But here's what I think will happen based on the in person consultations I did when I was first trying to hire a lawyer....
The judge will see that the petition is about school - everything in it is about school and written in language that would have you believe my son is not being educated at all. I can show that dad didn't express his opinion about school until after my son was a month in and after the fight with him mom, "I don't know if you realize this but I agree with my mom" (she doesn't think homeschool is the best thing for my son, and we talked about it at length over and over... she never gave me a reason other than "I don't think he should be cooped up with YOU all day" or "I'll think he'll miss having friends" or "I worry about you not having time to sleep" which I dismiss outright because they are based on assumptions that I don't know how to make sure my son doesn't become anti-social - the latter had some merit because I was working two part time jobs, but together not even working 40 hours a week and one was working from home during the time I would normally be watching TV, but I only have one job now; also she told my son such things as "I am not a good teacher, he'll miss out on having friends, I'm not taking good care of him" and things like that) and after that only said "I don't like the way he's being educated, that's all I'm going to say about it." Then petition.
So, it will be obvious that this is about school and I can show dad did not have an opinion until way after decision making time, and refused to discuss it with me once he did have an opinion.
Would you consider that an example of resistance to co-parenting??
My understanding of the law is that he will have the burden of proof to show it is in our child's best interest to change custody. Proving that my son is thriving in all areas of development right now is easy-peasy. I can parade a dozen or more professionals through the court that will praise my parenting (his doctors, babysitter, teachers, the social worker, karate teacher, parents of his friends, etc....)
Actively trying to thwart the other parent's attempts is a remarkably common reason custody gets switched, since it's clearly NOT in the child's best interest.
I have no idea why you're so resistant to acknowledging your own words here. They won't be deleted. They're just going to sit there and speak for you.
- - - Updated - - -
And did you obtain a medical license overnight?
I am concerned for the poor child.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
It doesn't sound like there is much history of this case in the court yes? By your own omission, dad didn't want much to do with this boy until September of last year? So there isn't much history for the courts to go off of. If this was the 4th time you were going to court, saying these things about dad not putting the child's best interests first for the 4th time, you *might* have a better chance of the court being on your side and seeing things the way you see them.
However, it sounds like this is the first time this is being brought to court. So considering the courts only have so much time to dedicate to your case, what do they really have to go off of? They will have your "evidence" about grandma pulling the strings, and they have a dad who wants to be more involved in his sons life. I don't think it will matter what you believe his intentions to be, the court will see it as a cut and dry matter of a father who is trying to step up. And as other posters have mentioned, your state favors joint legal custody.
Is there a reason you are so against joint legal custody? With this custody in place, you will essentially go about things as you are doing now, and if you can't reach a decision, the court will assist you in getting there.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
It doesn't sound like there is much history of this case in the court yes? By your own omission, dad didn't want much to do with this boy until September of last year? So there isn't much history for the courts to go off of. If this was the 4th time you were going to court, saying these things about dad not putting the child's best interests first for the 4th time, you *might* have a better chance of the court being on your side and seeing things the way you see them.
However, it sounds like this is the first time this is being brought to court. So considering the courts only have so much time to dedicate to your case, what do they really have to go off of? They will have your "evidence" about grandma pulling the strings, and they have a dad who wants to be more involved in his sons life. I don't think it will matter what you believe his intentions to be, the court will see it as a cut and dry matter of a father who is trying to step up. And as other posters have mentioned, your state favors joint legal custody.
Is there a reason you are so against joint legal custody? With this custody in place, you will essentially go about things as you are doing now, and if you can't reach a decision, the court will assist you in getting there.
She doesn't want to co-parent with grandma, and it does appears to a great extent that its grandma who would be making dad's decisions.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
llworking
She doesn't want to co-parent with grandma, and it does appears to a great extent that its grandma who would be making dad's decisions.
But how would you prove that to the court? It sounds like all mom has now is the coincidence that once she stopped visitation with grandma, dad wanted to step up in the child's life? I wouldn't consider that to be a compelling reason as to why 50/50 custody should not be granted.
Now, if there is 50/50 custody, and mom keeps going back to court saying grandma is interfering with our co-parenting and here is my proof, that would be a different story wouldn't it?
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
wess1881
But how would you prove that to the court? It sounds like all mom has now is the coincidence that once she stopped visitation with grandma, dad wanted to step up in the child's life? I wouldn't consider that to be a compelling reason as to why 50/50 custody should not be granted.
Now, if there is 50/50 custody, and mom keeps going back to court saying grandma is interfering with our co-parenting and here is my proof, that would be a different story wouldn't it?
I think that you are looking at it backwards. Its not mom who has to prove that there is a compelling reason not to order 50/50. Its dad that has to prove that there is a compelling reason to change from the status quo to 50/50. This is not an initial custody determination.
Mom hasn't stopped visitation with grandma either. Mom stopped letting grandma have time during mom's parenting time. Grandma is still free to see the child on dad's time, and I am quite sure that she does.
However, if you have read the entire thread (and mom's previous thread) the issue isn't so much with grandma and visitation. The issue is that grandma strenuously objects to mom home schooling the child, and the whole point of the attempt to modify custody is so that dad can force (because grandma objects to home schooling) mom to put the child in regular school.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
llworking
I think that you are looking at it backwards. Its not mom who has to prove that there is a compelling reason not to order 50/50. Its dad that has to prove that there is a compelling reason to change from the status quo to 50/50. This is not an initial custody determination.
Mom hasn't stopped visitation with grandma either. Mom stopped letting grandma have time during mom's parenting time. Grandma is still free to see the child on dad's time, and I am quite sure that she does.
However, if you have read the entire thread (and mom's previous thread) the issue isn't so much with grandma and visitation. The issue is that grandma strenuously objects to mom home schooling the child, and the whole point of the attempt to modify custody is so that dad can force (because grandma objects to home schooling) mom to put the child in regular school.
It is possible I am looking at it backwards. I assume this to be an existing case, but it seems (according to mom) that dad wasn't that interested in legal custody in the beginning, so I assume he had no object to mom asking for full legal at that point. Now that he wants joint, you are saying he has to prove why he wants to be involved in the important decisions regarding his son? I could see that would be the case if he was asking for full, but joint?
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
What dad chooses to do with his visitation (let this child spend time with his grandparents) is up to dad. That's commonly the only way the NCP's parents can see their grandchildren.
Most of the individuals listed who could testify - well, saying they can testify and the reality of them actually coming to court is slim to none, and most judges aren't going to accept letters because a letter cannot be cross examined. The only individual whose testimony might actually mean something is the social worker's, which raises the question of why is a social worker involved? The rest are fairly self-serving.
Saying that ROFR would benefit dad more than you makes it sound as if you regard dad as a babysitter.
Requiring the other parent's approval for all video games? That's virtually unenforceable and will lead to additional litigation.
You cannot get attorney's fees if you don't have an attorney.
If dad is seeking joint legal, which, as we've pointed out, is favored in TN, it will likely be awarded. As Doggie said, any appearance on your part of attempting to thwart dad's visitation or control what he does during his parenting time could be construed by the court as a justifiable reason to change primary physical and legal custody, especially if dad had legal representation and you do not. You say in this thread that you aren't doing that, but in another thread you say you refuse to agree to TN's standard parenting plan.
You also said you don't care if dad doesn't want your child homeschooled, you're doing it anyway.
You say you want dad to undergo a psych eval because he started smoking.
Looking at this objectively, you come across as being unreasonable whether you mean to or not, or even whether you realize it or not.
Some form of non-disparaging clause is typically standard, but again - it's hard to enforce, especially since your son is only 6 years old. Judges don't like putting young children in the middle of court battles between their parents, who are expected to act like adults.
You were told several threads ago as well as in this thread to hire an attorney. Even if it means taking out a loan or a credit card or borrowing the money from someone, that's the only way you can help yourself.
You said the judge has a reputation for being tough - you're probably going to be screwed up one side and down the other without an attorney. That old adage, an attorney who attempts to represent himself has a fool for a client? It's true. Most lawyers wouldn't attempt to handle their own cases because they lose all sense of objectivity.
Re: Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
llworking
She doesn't want to co-parent with grandma, and it does appears to a great extent that its grandma who would be making dad's decisions.
Video game - not about Grandma
Smoking - not about Grandma
Bad neighborhood - not Grandma.
Admitting to wanting Dad to have no custody - not Grandma
Grandma is an excuse.