Can a Parent Use Her Own Allergy to Cigarettes to Reduce Visitation

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Quoting Mom521

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I don't have anything in my parenting plan that is outrageous. The video games might be a little out there, but it can't hurt to ask.

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That request is outrageous, and yes, it can hurt you to ask. Would you like Dad to have the ability to tell you what you can and cannot watch while the child is present?

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The majority of it, except for the decision making and possibly the time, my ex will agree with... like that neither of us can terminate son's life support without the other's consent... the person receiving child support claims the tax deduction... additional parenting time must be provided to attend any major family gatherings, funerals, or visit in the hospital if anyone becomes sick (which can only benefit dad/dad's family because I have no other family) school attendance is mandatory, ect...

Is there anything that I'm "demanding" that you think is way out there? Or is it just that I have a detailed plan instead of a plain vague one?

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Having an attorney is probably not going to happen, at least not at the beginning... I was planning on trying to retain one with my tax return, but dad is changing jobs again, and he works low paying jobs so probably will not see child support again for a while and this is the slow season for my work as well. I actually think that's the stall with going to court.. If I had to guess I would say that either his lawyer won't move forward without being paid, or has advised him not to move forward until he's up to date on child support (he's about 3 months behind.) Either way, it's probably going to go up when we do go to court, retro to the petition date, so he's going to have some issues once that is done...

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I don't think you're seeing things for what they are.

You and Dad clearly have different parenting styles, but the court doesn't give a single flying ferret fart. They expect the parents to act like adults and they expect the adults to recognize that Dad's rules are applicable during his parenting time, and your rules during your parenting time.

You really don't see this, do you?

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This is what you're actually saying:

Alright, fine, he can have visitation but I'm going to have the final say-so in everything.

You're setting yourself up.

I was talking about the major decisions... education, medical care, things like that, and not because I don't care what he thinks, but because we aren't going to agree a lot, and he is very.. conflict avoidant. If we don't agree, he will clam up or file a petition, or yell at me.

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Quoting Mom521

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I was talking about the major decisions... education, medical care, things like that, and not because I don't care what he thinks, but because we aren't going to agree a lot, and he is very.. conflict avoidant. If we don't agree, he will clam up or file a petition, or yell at me.

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In dad's position I would react the same way. Please, retain an attorney. You've already said you don't care what he thinks about homeschooling, and you want to control every aspect of his child's life. You aren't willing to compromise. Do you know what typically happens when judge's see that? They give custody to the parent most likely to try to work with the other parent. Proceed with caution.

It is really hard to take some of the advice here seriously because so many of the responders make assumptions and interpret my words in the most negative way possible, and give dad the overwhelming benefit of the doubt!!

However I "seem" here on this forum, I am an excellent mother in a difficult situation who happened to have a baby with a narcissistic man-child, who happens to also be a mama's boy. It is what it is. I'm trying to make the best of it that I can. I have gone above and beyond over and over and over again to accommodate dad's ego and temper. In REAL life, I am the parent that is most likely to facilitate close and continuing with the other. I am the parent that makes decisions based on what's best for the kid instead of myself and I am the parent that tries to keep open communication with the other. Dad is the parent that is most likely to charm and lie his way into the favor of the court, use his mommy's money to intimidate, and use my SON to sabotage his own education.

How many times has someone asked what exactly is the point of your post? And you are upset that posters are making thier own interpretations?

As many have said, courts want parents to work together, and that is so ordered by giving joint custody. If that is what dad wants, then you must give compelling reason as to why he shouldn't be involved in these decisions, which you simply have not done. Saying you want to make the decisions, but you'll consult with dad i.e. you'll let him know what decision YOU are going to make regardless of his input, isn't going to make you look good to judge.

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Quoting wess1881

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How many times has someone asked what exactly is the point of your post? And you are upset that posters are making thier own interpretations?

As many have said, courts want parents to work together, and that is so ordered by giving joint custody. If that is what dad wants, then you must give compelling reason as to why he shouldn't be involved in these decisions, which you simply have not done. Saying you want to make the decisions, but you'll consult with dad i.e. you'll let him know what decision YOU are going to make regardless of his input, isn't going to make you look good to judge.

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This.

I'm telling you to retain a lawyer for a reason. Nobody is trying to gang up on you and we aren't interpreting anything. Just using your own words.

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Quoting wess1881

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How many times has someone asked what exactly is the point of your post? And you are upset that posters are making thier own interpretations?

As many have said, courts want parents to work together, and that is so ordered by giving joint custody. If that is what dad wants, then you must give compelling reason as to why he shouldn't be involved in these decisions, which you simply have not done. Saying you want to make the decisions, but you'll consult with dad i.e. you'll let him know what decision YOU are going to make regardless of his input, isn't going to make you look good to judge.

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I think I have compelling reasons... being able to prove those compelling reasons is another issue. The most important reason to me is his inability to make decisions based on what is best for our son, and not only think of himself, but that's a character issue, and one that I can't prove because the decisions he makes are during his parenting time...Otherwise, my reasons would be

1. His lack of intimacy with our son (he's only been spending time with him regularly since September of this year)
2. His inability or unwillingness to communicate with me about his ideas or things that happen that I should know about (I really only have emails that can show this, but I don't know if they would stand up well - lots of unanswered emails - a couple where we actually discuss his unwillingness to talk to me about school and what his concerns are, some where I ask him about strange things our son says or does after coming home, injuries he didn't tell me about, things like that)
3. Perhaps his struggle with depression and inability to cope with stress. I've been thinking about that lately.. in hindsight I can see that there have been times when he's been completely paralyzed from stress. We had a casual encounter about a year ago now I think, and he was so afraid that I might be pregnant again (because he can't afford another child) that he couldn't eat sleep or work in spite of my insistence that it was nearly impossible at that particular time. Freaked out for a full three weeks out of fear. Don't have proof of that either, but I do have a chat conversation where we talked about smoking and he mentions his depression...

By "consult" I don't mean that I will make all the decisions and tell dad what I decided... that is IN EFFECT what is happening now because when I tell him what I'm thinking and ask for his thoughts or ideas, I get nothing from him. I mean that I have my opinion and he will have his and if we don't agree, we can explore each other's ideas to make sure we understand the options (I can usually articulate my ideas and the reasons for them, where he usually just expects me to understand what he is thinking without explaining how he comes to a conclusion and if I ask him why, that's me being combative....)

Anyways, the reality is that I've been making all the decisions and doing all the hard work with our son since he was born and I've done a good job. I'm not perfect, but I really have an exceptional kid - polite, empathic, helpful, caring, loving, smart, funny, mostly obedient - and he is those things because I made it a priority in my life when I learned that I was pregnant to make sure I was prepared to raise a great kid and went to school to learn all about doing that. My ideas about how to raise him and educate him come from my education and experience with kids (A lot of it from when I was a young woman.) His come from, quite frankly, a place of ignorance about kids in general and this kid specifically.

It's like if you asked me what my favorite thing is to make out of bananas, and I said hamburgers... you probably wouldn't want me planning your diet. :)

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Quoting Mom521

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It is really hard to take some of the advice here seriously because so many of the responders make assumptions and interpret my words in the most negative way possible, and give dad the overwhelming benefit of the doubt!!

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Oh, it's not that. I believe you're annoyed as hell because we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, and because you know deep down that we're right.

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However I "seem" here on this forum, I am an excellent mother in a difficult situation who happened to have a baby with a narcissistic man-child, who happens to also be a mama's boy. It is what it is. I'm trying to make the best of it that I can. I have gone above and beyond over and over and over again to accommodate dad's ego and temper. In REAL life, I am the parent that is most likely to facilitate close and continuing with the other. I am the parent that makes decisions based on what's best for the kid instead of myself and I am the parent that tries to keep open communication with the other. Dad is the parent that is most likely to charm and lie his way into the favor of the court, use his mommy's money to intimidate, and use my SON to sabotage his own education.

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You said this:

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Another question: I want to introduce the VERY high crime rate in the area where his father lives if it is reasonable to do so in my petition. He lives in a rather small city, but the crime rate is extreme and there are two convicted sex offenders living within a quarter mile of him, and he's less than half a mile from a major drug area. I have already told him that I'm not comfortable coming into his neighborhood after dark to pick up my son so he'll either have to keep him until the next morning or take him to another location for me to pick him up. He responded like I was being ridiculous. There are at least two drug dealers on his street! SO, is it appropriate to address that with my petition and how would I go about doing that?

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We told you that you're not going to get Dad's time reduced - and then you came back with...

He smokes.

Then we explained that his smoking isn't going to affect things either.

And then...

Video games. VIDEO GAMES?!

You're doing the exact opposite of facilitating the relationship between father and child. You can't see that? Seriously?

Neither of you are stellar examples of co-parenting and something has to give.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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You're doing the exact opposite of facilitating the relationship between father and child. You can't see that? Seriously?

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WOW!! I had no idea that posting my concerns anonymously on a legal advise forum had so much power over my parenting in REAL LIFE!!!!

Golly-gee, I must be an idiot!

Please, ignore all of the advice that you have received here. Go to court and ask for everything you stated you were seeking. Oh to be a fly to hear the judge's response.

Nobody has been rude here. Believe it or not, we're actually trying to help you. Take offense as you wish. You may not like the responses and you are free to flounce off. But nobody here has given you incorrect or improper advice.

Right now you are your own worst enemy.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Oh, it's not that. I believe you're annoyed as hell because we didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, and because you know deep down that we're right.



You said this:



We told you that you're not going to get Dad's time reduced - and then you came back with...

He smokes.

Then we explained that his smoking isn't going to affect things either.

And then...

Video games. VIDEO GAMES?!

You're doing the exact opposite of facilitating the relationship between father and child. You can't see that? Seriously?

Neither of you are stellar examples of co-parenting and something has to give.

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And I think we both have a pretty good idea about where this case is heading, and mom will NOT like the outcome if she goes into court and exhibits the same attitudes.