Conflict Between Stepsiblings With Occasional Violence

My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of: IL

Happy New Year!

My ex-husband has remarried, and his wife has two teenage children. The elder of the two children will be receiving a driver's license shortly. This minor has ADHD, is medicated, and is immature for a 15 year old. The other child seems to be an ok kid.

My child is 11, has ADHD, also immature for an 11 year old, and is struggling with impulse control behaviors. I have adamantly protested having the eldest teenager supervise or watch my children, and definitely not drive the children. I don't have to explain about Illinois winters. My concern is that two high energy pre-teens in a car with an inexperienced driver is just a bad idea for all the children involved. The judge agreed with my position, given in his recommendation. The GAL agrees with my position. My ex-husband wants to fight this, for his own convenience, not concern for the kids. He refuses to take no for an answer on any point he wants to promote. I have looked for Illinois statutes which prohibit driving while on psychotropic (CII) prescriptions, but have been unsuccessful.

Lately, my 11 year old child has become more physical with the 15 year old step sibling to the point of punching the elder child. My child will not hit hard with intent unless provoked. In this case, my child was eating some candy that the 15 year old wanted. My child said no repeatedly, then the stepsibling took them from my child, which prompted my child to hit the stepsibling. My ex's wife was a witness to all of this but did nothing to prevent it, and just started crying because the kids just can't get along. My child hates the 15 year old and they annoy each other routinely.

My child with ADHD is seeing a counselor, a psychiatrist and is medicated. I cannot speak for the other child, but I do know that this child takes medication.

Now that it is rising to the level of physical contact and the parents in my ex-husband's home do not do anything to guide the children to better decision-making, do I have any recourse? Or do I have to watch my child get harassed to the point of misery and not wanting to go back to Dad's? My attorney has been silent on this issue, and I am loathe to apply for an order of protection as my ex-husband will react with histrionics to any assault on his parenting behavior.

Thank you in advance for your kind responses.

You are in an unenviable situation that will likely only be resolved when the step sibling turns 18 and an RO obtained if the other child is not voluntarily kept from your child. I suggest you advise your child to stay near dad or step mom at all times when practical during visits until then.

What are YOU doing to guide your child to better decision making? Because while I get he doesn't like it when someone wants his candy... he shouldn't be hitting "hard and with intent" AT ALL. And certainly not with as small a provocation as this sounds like.

Unless something MUCH more serious is happening, there is nothing that can or should be done. If your child is miserable at Dad's house, your child needs to make different choices - and one of those should be to stop being miserable.

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Quoting calamityj

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What are YOU doing to guide your child to better decision making? Because while I get he doesn't like it when someone wants his candy... he shouldn't be hitting "hard and with intent" AT ALL. And certainly not with as small a provocation as this sounds like.

Unless something MUCH more serious is happening, there is nothing that can or should be done. If your child is miserable at Dad's house, your child needs to make different choices - and one of those should be to stop being miserable.

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I am sorry, but the bolded is a bit of a ridiculous statement...particularly when we are talking about an 11 year old.

You primary concern needs to be the older one being behind the wheel of a car. With the two of them in a vehicle, with the older one driving, it is an accident waiting to happen. If your attorney remains silent on the matter, find a new one. After someone is seriously injured or killed it will be too late. There may be nothing you can do to protect your child's life, without taking the child and going into hiding, but at least you will know that you did all you could to prevent a tragedy.

Talk to your childs counselor and psychiatrist about the fighting. ADHD Meds can help but they don't totally stop impulse behavior. The combination of the child age and ADHD make this a worse than usual situation. Go to chadd.org, and see if there is a support group in your area for parents of ADHD children. You aren't the first parent to be in this situation, you aren't the only one now and you won't be the last. But, others who have been there and who are there now maybe able to make suggestions.

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Quoting calamityj

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What are YOU doing to guide your child to better decision making? Because while I get he doesn't like it when someone wants his candy... he shouldn't be hitting "hard and with intent" AT ALL. And certainly not with as small a provocation as this sounds like.

Unless something MUCH more serious is happening, there is nothing that can or should be done. If your child is miserable at Dad's house, your child needs to make different choices - and one of those should be to stop being miserable.

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As I indicated in my original post, my child is in counseling. Of course I work with my child on making good choices, but the point is, the older sibling provokes my child.

Thank you for your reply.

Then tell them to stay near an adult when the other child is around.

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Quoting No_Angel

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As I indicated in my original post, my child is in counseling. Of course I work with my child on making good choices, but the point is, the older sibling provokes my child.

Thank you for your reply.

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I'm not sure that what you consider provocation deserving of hitting "hard and with intent" is the same thing others would consider adequate provocation.

And it's not a ridiculous statement to say he should make a choice to not be miserable. My household has a 7 year old, an 8 year old, a 9 year old, an 11 year old, 2 14 year olds, and an 18 year old. ALL of them are well aware that if they want to be miserable, I'm going to let them. If they want to choose NOT to be miserable, I'm more than happy to support that choice. But it is not my job to make them happy - it's their job.

And if one of them thought repeatedly asking for candy was reason enough to get hit, they'd have their minds changed in short order.

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Quoting calamityj

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I'm not sure that what you consider provocation deserving of hitting "hard and with intent" is the same thing others would consider adequate provocation.

And it's not a ridiculous statement to say he should make a choice to not be miserable. My household has a 7 year old, an 8 year old, a 9 year old, an 11 year old, 2 14 year olds, and an 18 year old. ALL of them are well aware that if they want to be miserable, I'm going to let them. If they want to choose NOT to be miserable, I'm more than happy to support that choice. But it is not my job to make them happy - it's their job.

And if one of them thought repeatedly asking for candy was reason enough to get hit, they'd have their minds changed in short order.

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In this case however, the reaction came because the older child took the candy away from the younger child.

I am pretty certain that you would be equally harsh with the older child who took the candy away from the younger child. Also, the children in your household have no reason to be miserable, therefore your point of view regarding the children in your household is completely valid. However, it may not be valid for other children in other households.

I also think that we would agree that it actually makes children happier if both children get punished when both of them do something wrong, and that one thing that might make a child "miserable" is when the adult just sits back and cries because the children do not get along.

Parents need to keep in mind that the way a child views things that happen may not be the actual way they happened. For example, you really have no way of knowing that the present parent "just sits back and cries because the children do not get along." It is also common for children in situations like this to tell a parent things about the other parents home that aren't true. Perhaps your child doesn't like not being able to do as he wants at his Dad's because there are other children there. And at home with you everything he does what he wants. Our children also love to push our bottons. They act and we react. For example telling you that he is treated unfairly at his Dad's upsets you. And he hears how badly everyone else bahavior is, which takes the focus off of him and his negative behavior at his Dad's, at home with you, at school, etc. I'm not saying he is a bad child. Just that any child would rather a parent talk about the poor behavior of others that tell the child things they don't want to hear,