Why Won't Courts Let Parents Agree to Terminate a Father's Rights

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Tennessee

My ex boyfriend and I have a 5 year old daughter. His name is on the birth certificate, but we have never had a formal custody arrangement and he has never paid me child support, nor have I ever sought it. The relationship between my ex and my child has deteriorated to a stand-still and they can hardly stand to be in the same room with each other, despite all of our best efforts. She wants nothing to do with him and he is wanting to give his rights up to her so she can be happy and he can be free to leave the state with his new wife and pursue their life together. I fully support this. The problem is that there seem to be a ridiculous amount of hoops and expenses to have to jump through to do this and I was told point blank by a family counselor at Anna's preschool that we could file, pay money and do all the things they want us to do, but at the end of the day, they will not allow him to terminate his rights AND he will be liable for child support.

My question is: If the situation between my ex and my child is causing them both significant emotional distress and trouble, why is it so difficult to terminate the rights of the father, especially when he and I are in total agreement about the situation? Everyone says things about doing what is in the best interest of the child, but nobody has seen the arrangement they have now. She doesn't want to be away from me, hates her dad, and it causes him pain, not to mention the fact that he has some mental issues that are aggravated by the stress. The pain they are both in is not in anyone's best interest. How do I get around this?

I think you're misunderstanding.

The counselor is categorically wrong - unless she's thinking that you mean terminating his custodial rights. Provided there are no skeletons in your closets, you should be just fine going ahead and TPR-ing Dad as part of a stepparent adoption.

Why does your 5yo "hate" her father?

I completely missed that.

Ick.

You can't just terminate Dad's rights unless you have a husband willing to adopt Daughter. The State is not going to let you 'bastardize' a child without darn good reasons (and it doesn't appear that you have any of those state-sanctified reasons).

Simple solution. Tell dad he can move and never contact you and the child again. Don't ask for support and don't ever go on any type of state aid. Since no court ordered custody exists you are the sole custodian of the child.

I would get that child into counseling as well. Sounds like a child who needs an unbiased third party to help her sort out why she has such a horrible situation (meaning no 5 year old knows how to "hate" their father)

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Quoting SESmama

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Simple solution. Tell dad he can move and never contact you and the child again. Don't ask for support and don't ever go on any type of state aid. Since no court ordered custody exists you are the sole custodian of the child.

I would get that child into counseling as well. Sounds like a child who needs an unbiased third party to help her sort out why she has such a horrible situation (meaning no 5 year old knows how to "hate" their father)

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A five year old is just as capable of disliking somebody as anybody else. It really doesn't sound like dad has ever developed a true father/daughter relationship with her, therefore she probably views him as a stranger and just has never warmed up to him. My granddaughter whispered in my ear once, when she was about 4, that "me and sissy don't like daddy"...and she meant it. If a child never "connects" with someone they are not going to warm up to that someone, even if that someone is their parent.

However, it is correct that if there is no stepparent to adopt the child that its not going to be possible to terminate his parental rights. However, if mom files for sole custody (so that she will not need his signature for things like passports etc.), does not file for child support, and never needs state aid, then there is no reason why they cannot simply go their own ways if that is what they all truly want.

I want to quote this again, word for word..

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My ex boyfriend and I have a 5 year old daughter. His name is on the birth certificate, but we have never had a formal custody arrangement and he has never paid me child support, nor have I ever sought it. The relationship between my ex and my child has deteriorated to a stand-still and they can hardly stand to be in the same room with each other, despite all of our best efforts. She wants nothing to do with him and he is wanting to give his rights up to her so she can be happy and he can be free to leave the state with his new wife and pursue their life together. I fully support this. The problem is that there seem to be a ridiculous amount of hoops and expenses to have to jump through to do this and I was told point blank by a family counselor at Anna's preschool that we could file, pay money and do all the things they want us to do, but at the end of the day, they will not allow him to terminate his rights AND he will be liable for child support.

My question is: If the situation between my ex and my child is causing them both significant emotional distress and trouble, why is it so difficult to terminate the rights of the father, especially when he and I are in total agreement about the situation? Everyone says things about doing what is in the best interest of the child, but nobody has seen the arrangement they have now. She doesn't want to be away from me, hates her dad, and it causes him pain, not to mention the fact that he has some mental issues that are aggravated by the stress. The pain they are both in is not in anyone's best interest. How do I get around this?

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This is where I'm disagreeing so I might as well just go ahead and come out with it.

I believe this child is being heavily influenced by her Mother. Even if Mother isn't aware that she's doing it - and I don't believe that, either - it's absolutely affecting how the child responds. I also believe that if her and Dad were allowed to progress at their own pace we likely wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry L, but this is (to me, anyway), more about Mom's reactions and cues than the child. The child wants to please Mother, and Mom is in charge of the whole situation.

Not that it matters - it won't be that difficult to go through a stepparent adoption. While I'm here, I'll once again take the lead... :cool:

Mom, if you get divorced are you ok with your husband getting custody, and you paying child support?

Mom's husband, if you get divorced are you ok with Mom having custody and you paying child support for a child that's not biologically yours?

Please think about this.

(For the record, I'm not alone in my opinion)

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Quoting Dogmatique

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I want to quote this again, word for word..



This is where I'm disagreeing so I might as well just go ahead and come out with it.

I believe this child is being heavily influenced by her Mother. Even if Mother isn't aware that she's doing it - and I don't believe that, either - it's absolutely affecting how the child responds. I also believe that if her and Dad were allowed to progress at their own pace we likely wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry L, but this is (to me, anyway), more about Mom's reactions and cues than the child. The child wants to please Mother, and Mom is in charge of the whole situation.

Not that it matters - it won't be that difficult to go through a stepparent adoption. While I'm here, I'll once again take the lead... :cool:

Mom, if you get divorced are you ok with your husband getting custody, and you paying child support?

Mom's husband, if you get divorced are you ok with Mom having custody and you paying child support for a child that's not biologically yours?

Please think about this.

(For the record, I'm not alone in my opinion)

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You could be right but I just didn't get that kind of vibe from the original post...nor did I get the sense that mom was married and had a husband to adopt the child. If she doesn't, then no termination is going to happen.

IMO, there is a HUGE difference between dislike and hatred. Mom says the 5yo HATES Dad. Why seems to be a legitimate question.