Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
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Dogmatique
How old are the girls?
Hi Dogmatique,
Hope your day is going well.
9 and 6.
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llworking
If you can work from 8-5 then why not work from 8-5 on the days when you would have your children mid-week? Then you would have them for 3 hours or so of awake time in the evenings. That would change the entire situation. In that scenario a judge would give you a minimum of one weekday a week with the children, and you might possibly get two even if mom doesn't agree. You might not get overnights, but you would at least get those 3 hours.
You can work out how to get the children to school in the morning.
Dear llworking,
I really appreciate your information and thoughts. I also appreciate that you are very direct. I don't notice any sugar coating and you seem very honest.
Yes, if I can seem the girls for those hours during the week day, I would be happy too. I am happy as long as there is not a very long gap in between days I get to see them.
I really hope there can be a good agreement that can be reached that is good for the children, the wife, and myself.
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
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GreilasDad
Hi Dogmatique,
Hope your day is going well.
9 and 6.
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Dear llworking,
I really appreciate your information and thoughts. I also appreciate that you are very direct. I don't notice any sugar coating and you seem very honest.
Yes, if I can seem the girls for those hours during the week day, I would be happy too. I am happy as long as there is not a very long gap in between days I get to see them.
I really hope there can be a good agreement that can be reached that is good for the children, the wife, and myself.
Please understand that had I known that you could get off work at 5, my answers to you would have been different from the get go.
The minimum standard for parenting time is every other weekend, every other school holiday, extended time in the summer (think every other week) and one evening a week...and that is the minimum...the absolute minimum unless you could be considered to be unfit by legal standards. When you stated 7PM I was assuming that was the earliest you could pick up your children.
These days one overnight a week is a bit more the norm than one evening, and two evenings is not uncommon, and two overnights is possible...not guaranteed but not impossible.
Its also possible, if you and your wife continue to live in the same neighborhood for the long term...and work at being friends and good co-parents that eventually you could morph into both of you seeing your children every day. It takes leaving your ego at the door, and letting your children freely roam between both houses, and seriously becoming friends, but it can be done. My ex and I basically did something like that for many years, and I have known other families who did it as well. I am not talking about something that is scheduled or court ordered but something that happens because the two of you develop friendship and trust, and that naturally happens.
In any case...a judge won't give you less than the absolute minimum as I outlined above.
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
llworking
Please understand that had I known that you could get off work at 5, my answers to you would have been different from the get go.
The minimum standard for parenting time is every other weekend, every other school holiday, extended time in the summer (think every other week) and one evening a week...and that is the minimum...the absolute minimum unless you could be considered to be unfit by legal standards. When you stated 7PM I was assuming that was the earliest you could pick up your children.
These days one overnight a week is a bit more the norm than one evening, and two evenings is not uncommon, and two overnights is possible...not guaranteed but not impossible.
Its also possible, if you and your wife continue to live in the same neighborhood for the long term...and work at being friends and good co-parents that eventually you could morph into both of you seeing your children every day. It takes leaving your ego at the door, and letting your children freely roam between both houses, and seriously becoming friends, but it can be done. My ex and I basically did something like that for many years, and I have known other families who did it as well. I am not talking about something that is scheduled or court ordered but something that happens because the two of you develop friendship and trust, and that naturally happens.
In any case...a judge won't give you less than the absolute minimum as I outlined above.
This is so motivating llworking!
I have read this post over and over again. I will not lie. There are wounds on both sides. My wife is hurt and so am I. We mutually agree that we can be friends and we can work at being good co-parents.
I am gathering all the information that stipulates that I am a good father and a good parent. If I can have 2 overnights a week, I would be in bliss. I couldn't be happier.
At this point, my wife will never agree to more than 4 days a month for me, but I will go to court in the hopes and confidence that something a bit more equal could be reached.
I am hoping somebody on this forum has been in the same shoes as me but ultimately managed to get a nice joing custody agreement.
If you could share your story and how you achieved this, I would be so appreciative.
And....llworking, thank you again and I am happy for you that your arrangement worked well. It gives hope to somebody like me.
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
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Quoting
GreilasDad
This is so motivating llworking!
I have read this post over and over again. I will not lie. There are wounds on both sides. My wife is hurt and so am I. We mutually agree that we can be friends and we can work at being good co-parents.
I am gathering all the information that stipulates that I am a good father and a good parent. If I can have 2 overnights a week, I would be in bliss. I couldn't be happier.
At this point, my wife will never agree to more than 4 days a month for me, but I will go to court in the hopes and confidence that something a bit more equal could be reached.
I am hoping somebody on this forum has been in the same shoes as me but ultimately managed to get a nice joing custody agreement.
If you could share your story and how you achieved this, I would be so appreciative.
And....llworking, thank you again and I am happy for you that your arrangement worked well. It gives hope to somebody like me.
In my case all the hurt was on my end, and all the guilt was on his. I could have been the world's biggest witch and kept our child away from him and he would have rolled over and played dead. However, I had seen friends and cousins live with their parent's hostile divorces as a child myself, and I did not want that for our daughter. Our child is 26 years old now, so this is long in the past.
I think that the biggest thing that causes parents to be hostile with each other is fear. Fear that somehow the other parent will take their child away from them. I think that the biggest thing that escalates hostility is when one parent threatens the other and increases that fear. I thing that the first step to overcoming these issues is to understand and accept that you will be sharing your child with the other parent, and that its not going to be "fair". Its going to be what is best for the child.
Other than an initial short period of time when things were very raw, I did not have any fear. My ex didn't want or expect overnights because it wasn't practical in his situation and he honestly believed that children should have just one "home", just one place they slept at night, and he believed that should be my house. That doesn't mean that he never had our daughter overnight, just that when he did, it was more of a spontaneous, unscheduled sleepover. Therefore I was never afraid that he ever wanted to take our child away from me. He is from Europe and his lifestyle is the eat dinner at 9:00 at night, hang out with friends until midnight, kind of lifestyle. He did not live very close to me, but he worked very close to me. He lived in an area with extremely congested traffic as well.
So anyway, what things morphed into was that he could leave his house 1/2 an hour early, avoid traffic, and spend one hour with our daughter in the mornings helping to get her ready for school, and still arrive at work at the same time he would have if he left his house 1/2 later. He could also come over after work and spend an hour and a half or two with our daughter, while I ran errands and got dinner ready, and still only end up back at home 1/2 hour or an hour later than he would have if he had gone home straight after work.
So, we morphed into him seeing our daughter every morning and every evening, most Saturdays (and I often joined their Saturday activities at his invitation) and I usually had Sunday. If either of us needed the entire weekend with her to travel or spend time with extended family we happily accommodated each other. If either of us needed an uninterrupted evening with her we happily accommodated each other. We shared holidays and a couple of times even shared a vacation. My relationship with him ended up being more like having another brother or a best friend. Had I chose to remarry or live with another man it might not have worked...however that was something I chose not to do.
Our daughter loved it and her friends were actually jealous that she never had to switch houses but still got to see both of her parents almost every day. When she was a teen she thanked us both for never subjecting her to the "divorced" lifestyle. We treated each other with courtesy, respect, real friendship and learned to leave our egos at the door and make it all about our child, and not about us. Neither of us allowed a significant other to have any influence on our co-parenting relationship or to overstep where our child was concerned.
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I am rambling on too long here but I am going to add something else...
Dad, even if you end up with every other weekend and one evening a week, I sincerely bet that if you are kind, courteous and respectful to mom, that she will be the same to you. I also bet that if you call her up spontaneously and say "I really miss the kids, can I stop by and say hi to them" I bet she will say "sure, come on over". I also bet that after time, if she wants or needs to go out one evening she will call you up and ask you if you want to have the children.
Its all about establishing trust and rapport.
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
llworking
In my case all the hurt was on my end, and all the guilt was on his. I could have been the world's biggest witch and kept our child away from him and he would have rolled over and played dead. However, I had seen friends and cousins live with their parent's hostile divorces as a child myself, and I did not want that for our daughter. Our child is 26 years old now, so this is long in the past.
I think that the biggest thing that causes parents to be hostile with each other is fear. Fear that somehow the other parent will take their child away from them. I think that the biggest thing that escalates hostility is when one parent threatens the other and increases that fear. I thing that the first step to overcoming these issues is to understand and accept that you will be sharing your child with the other parent, and that its not going to be "fair". Its going to be what is best for the child.
Other than an initial short period of time when things were very raw, I did not have any fear. My ex didn't want or expect overnights because it wasn't practical in his situation and he honestly believed that children should have just one "home", just one place they slept at night, and he believed that should be my house. That doesn't mean that he never had our daughter overnight, just that when he did, it was more of a spontaneous, unscheduled sleepover. Therefore I was never afraid that he ever wanted to take our child away from me. He is from Europe and his lifestyle is the eat dinner at 9:00 at night, hang out with friends until midnight, kind of lifestyle. He did not live very close to me, but he worked very close to me. He lived in an area with extremely congested traffic as well.
So anyway, what things morphed into was that he could leave his house 1/2 an hour early, avoid traffic, and spend one hour with our daughter in the mornings helping to get her ready for school, and still arrive at work at the same time he would have if he left his house 1/2 later. He could also come over after work and spend an hour and a half or two with our daughter, while I ran errands and got dinner ready, and still only end up back at home 1/2 hour or an hour later than he would have if he had gone home straight after work.
So, we morphed into him seeing our daughter every morning and every evening, most Saturdays (and I often joined their Saturday activities at his invitation) and I usually had Sunday. If either of us needed the entire weekend with her to travel or spend time with extended family we happily accommodated each other. If either of us needed an uninterrupted evening with her we happily accommodated each other. We shared holidays and a couple of times even shared a vacation. My relationship with him ended up being more like having another brother or a best friend. Had I chose to remarry or live with another man it might not have worked...however that was something I chose not to do.
Our daughter loved it and her friends were actually jealous that she never had to switch houses but still got to see both of her parents almost every day. When she was a teen she thanked us both for never subjecting her to the "divorced" lifestyle. We treated each other with courtesy, respect, real friendship and learned to leave our egos at the door and make it all about our child, and not about us. Neither of us allowed a significant other to have any influence on our co-parenting relationship or to overstep where our child was concerned.
- - - Updated - - -
I am rambling on too long here but I am going to add something else...
Dad, even if you end up with every other weekend and one evening a week, I sincerely bet that if you are kind, courteous and respectful to mom, that she will be the same to you. I also bet that if you call her up spontaneously and say "I really miss the kids, can I stop by and say hi to them" I bet she will say "sure, come on over". I also bet that after time, if she wants or needs to go out one evening she will call you up and ask you if you want to have the children.
Its all about establishing trust and rapport.
Dear llworking,
I am so sorry that you had to go through what you experienced.
I also admire the way you handled it. It seems you put the child's life as a priority, even if it may have been difficult to do so initially.
I agree with you.
I was/am a good father, but the relation between my wife and I has been terrible, and the marriage has been a roller coaster ride. I doubt that anytime soon she will want me to see children although the children are close to me. What I don't understand is, there is definitely an issue between my wife and I, but why are the children always brought into all of this?
At this Thanksgiving, the wife took off with the children again and did not communicate the children's whereabouts for 2 days. I am hopeful, but not optimistic that should I only have every other weekend, that she will accept or have the children see me during the week.
I do nevertheless agree that both sides must remain courteous, respectful, and kind to each other. It is such a difficult task at the current time.
Trust is definitely an issue.
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
llworking
In my case all the hurt was on my end, and all the guilt was on his. I could have been the world's biggest witch and kept our child away from him and he would have rolled over and played dead. However, I had seen friends and cousins live with their parent's hostile divorces as a child myself, and I did not want that for our daughter. Our child is 26 years old now, so this is long in the past.
I think that the biggest thing that causes parents to be hostile with each other is fear. Fear that somehow the other parent will take their child away from them. I think that the biggest thing that escalates hostility is when one parent threatens the other and increases that fear. I thing that the first step to overcoming these issues is to understand and accept that you will be sharing your child with the other parent, and that its not going to be "fair". Its going to be what is best for the child.
Other than an initial short period of time when things were very raw, I did not have any fear. My ex didn't want or expect overnights because it wasn't practical in his situation and he honestly believed that children should have just one "home", just one place they slept at night, and he believed that should be my house. That doesn't mean that he never had our daughter overnight, just that when he did, it was more of a spontaneous, unscheduled sleepover. Therefore I was never afraid that he ever wanted to take our child away from me. He is from Europe and his lifestyle is the eat dinner at 9:00 at night, hang out with friends until midnight, kind of lifestyle. He did not live very close to me, but he worked very close to me. He lived in an area with extremely congested traffic as well.
So anyway, what things morphed into was that he could leave his house 1/2 an hour early, avoid traffic, and spend one hour with our daughter in the mornings helping to get her ready for school, and still arrive at work at the same time he would have if he left his house 1/2 later. He could also come over after work and spend an hour and a half or two with our daughter, while I ran errands and got dinner ready, and still only end up back at home 1/2 hour or an hour later than he would have if he had gone home straight after work.
So, we morphed into him seeing our daughter every morning and every evening, most Saturdays (and I often joined their Saturday activities at his invitation) and I usually had Sunday. If either of us needed the entire weekend with her to travel or spend time with extended family we happily accommodated each other. If either of us needed an uninterrupted evening with her we happily accommodated each other. We shared holidays and a couple of times even shared a vacation. My relationship with him ended up being more like having another brother or a best friend. Had I chose to remarry or live with another man it might not have worked...however that was something I chose not to do.
Our daughter loved it and her friends were actually jealous that she never had to switch houses but still got to see both of her parents almost every day. When she was a teen she thanked us both for never subjecting her to the "divorced" lifestyle. We treated each other with courtesy, respect, real friendship and learned to leave our egos at the door and make it all about our child, and not about us. Neither of us allowed a significant other to have any influence on our co-parenting relationship or to overstep where our child was concerned.
- - - Updated - - -
I am rambling on too long here but I am going to add something else...
Dad, even if you end up with every other weekend and one evening a week, I sincerely bet that if you are kind, courteous and respectful to mom, that she will be the same to you. I also bet that if you call her up spontaneously and say "I really miss the kids, can I stop by and say hi to them" I bet she will say "sure, come on over". I also bet that after time, if she wants or needs to go out one evening she will call you up and ask you if you want to have the children.
Its all about establishing trust and rapport.
I'm notorious for talking to much without reason...this post of yours? Excellent reason :)
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
Dear llworking and to all who have followed this thread,
I just got done with my hearing and I things worked out extremely well.
I received a 50% custody agreement and also had my work hours adjusted by some very understanding upper management people at my company.
I also had the best sleep I have had in a long, long time.
If you can prove that you have been there for your kids and that you are a good father, I don't believe there is any reason why you shouldn't get what I got.
Going out to celebrate with children at Universal Studios this weekend!
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
GreilasDad
Dear llworking and to all who have followed this thread,
I just got done with my hearing and I things worked out extremely well.
I received a 50% custody agreement and also had my work hours adjusted by some very understanding upper management people at my company.
I also had the best sleep I have had in a long, long time.
If you can prove that you have been there for your kids and that you are a good father, I don't believe there is any reason why you shouldn't get what I got.
Going out to celebrate with children at Universal Studios this weekend!
Good for you! Congrats.
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
GreilasDad
Dear llworking and to all who have followed this thread,
I just got done with my hearing and I things worked out extremely well.
I received a 50% custody agreement and also had my work hours adjusted by some very understanding upper management people at my company.
I also had the best sleep I have had in a long, long time.
If you can prove that you have been there for your kids and that you are a good father, I don't believe there is any reason why you shouldn't get what I got.
Going out to celebrate with children at Universal Studios this weekend!
Have lots of fun!
Re: Getting Mid-Week, Overnight Visitation
Quote:
Quoting
llworking
Good for you! Congrats.
Thank you so much!
I was almost in tears when I heard that I was granted 50%.
It was a dream come true.
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Dogmatique
Have lots of fun!
Most definitely.
The girls are very curious about the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios, hence, I am going to surprise them this weekend!
I hope all is well for you my friend!