Getting Custody of a Disabled Child

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California
I lost custody of my son several years ago as a result of an injury he sustained in the care of my then boyfriend. During the hearings, his father lied to the court and they believed him. I had supervised visitations and he decided he would be the one to supervise. At every visitation, he would start a fight with me. After this occurred several times, I decided it was not healthy for my son to be subjected to this and stopped trying to visit. I made every effort to accommodate his father, even allowing him to move out of state to Texas with my son. I was recently contacted by his newest ex, asking for advice dealing with him. She claims to be afraid of him and says he has caused fights during her visitations with their one year old son. She says he has even gotten physical with her, trying to pull the baby out of her arms. He used to be a Marine and left the service to "start a family with her". They lived together for two years. During that time, my son was with them a total of 8 months, living with his grandparents the other 16. He has become a violent alcoholic, had to attend rehab after leaving the military. As he lives in Texas, I'm not sure where to start or what to do for the safety of my son or even hers. I have since married and have two more sons. My home could easily accommodate my oldest but I don't think the courts would see that in the "best interests". The biggest issue is his health, he requires 24-7 care. Any advice on where to start would be appreciated.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I lost custody of my son several years ago as a result of an injury he sustained in the care of my then boyfriend.... The biggest issue is his health, he requires 24-7 care.

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Should we infer that your boyfriend caused the child to suffer a serious brain injury, resulting in permanent and severe disability?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I had supervised visitations and he decided he would be the one to supervise. At every visitation, he would start a fight with me. After this occurred several times, I decided it was not healthy for my son to be subjected to this and stopped trying to visit.

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Are we talking about child custody proceedings, or child protective proceedings? Why is it that you made no effort to have a neutral third party supervise the visits?

If we are talking about child protective proceedings, what was the result of those proceedings?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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They lived together for two years. During that time, my son was with them a total of 8 months, living with his grandparents the other 16.

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Where does the child live now -- with dad or with the grandparents? The grandparents live in Texas?

When was the last time you visited the child?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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The biggest issue is his health, he requires 24-7 care.

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Do you have a plan for providing that care?

Yes, my boyfriend did cause him harm but the courts couldnt prove it. They had to drop all charges against him, there were too many doctors saying it could have been a medical condition that caused it. Family court doesnt have to follow reasonable doubt though.
As far as having a third party supervise, i had a third party supervising at first. He didnt like it because he couldnt control the situation. He wouldnt even let me take pictures of my son. The court said he had every right to choose who would supervise. He wouldnt allow anyone else at the visits either.
As for where he lives now, they are all in Texas. Not sure if he is with his father or grandparents. I havent been able to see him in over 6 years. I cant even send birthday presents because he either throws them away or sends them back.
I do have a plan to care for him, I've always had one. He is covered under my insurance already, not even sure his father has insurance.
I received another email form his ex this morning telling me I shouldnt let him know where I live. Apparently, he told her he was going to join the Hells Angels and come after me. She is afraid that if she gets custody of their child, he is going to lose it.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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Yes, my boyfriend did cause him harm but the courts couldnt prove it.

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In that case, it reasonably follows that the case against you was predicated upon your failure to protect the child, your minimization of his role in the injury to the child, and your refusal to cooperate with the investigation of the child's injury.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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They had to drop all charges against him, there were too many doctors saying it could have been a medical condition that caused it.

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You have told us that your boyfriend caused the injury. Even if we assume he was able to create some sort of medical smokescreen that prevented his prosecution, we can go with your statement.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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As far as having a third party supervise, i had a third party supervising at first. He didnt like it because he couldnt control the situation. He wouldnt even let me take pictures of my son. The court said he had every right to choose who would supervise. He wouldnt allow anyone else at the visits either.

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In that case, it sounds like you picked a poor person for supervision such that the court became unsympathetic to you.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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As for where he lives now, they are all in Texas. Not sure if he is with his father or grandparents. I havent been able to see him in over 6 years. I cant even send birthday presents because he either throws them away or sends them back.

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So the gist is, you have no first-hand information about anything, you haven't seen the child for six years, you haven't made any effort to enforce visitation through the courts in more than six years, and you have a history of being the subject of a protective services action for your failure to protect the child from abuse and you failed to complete your reunification plan? To say you're not in a good position to get custody would be an understatement.

It's not clear from what you've written so far whether you even have the right to visit the child. If you do, it would behoove you to start exercising that right, and to seek enforcement through the courts if necessary. If not, you had best petition for visitation rights, and then start exercising those rights.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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He is covered under my insurance already, not even sure his father has insurance.

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If in fact the child is receiving medical care through your insurance, given the child's extreme medical needs it should be easy for you to figure out where the child is and who is treating the child by virtue of the EOBs you receive from your insurance company. If you have parental rights and custody rights, you should be able to speak with the child's doctors about his condition and treatment.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I received another email form his ex this morning telling me I shouldnt let him know where I live.

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How difficult do you believe you would be to locate? Odds are, with access to Google and a few free public information searches, somebody can track down the city you live in within thirty seconds based on your name alone, and quite possibly also obtain your home address and phone number. With a commercial public records search, it's all but a given that somebody can find your address and phone number in a matter of seconds.

If in fact you intend to pursue legal action, you are going to have to give your address to a court.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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Apparently, he told her he was going to join the Hells Angels and come after me.

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The father of a child with whom you have next to no contact for six years, and who is caring for a severely disabled child without any help from you, is suddenly going to quit his job, "become" a Hell's Angel, and "come after" you? And your authority for this is supposedly his ex-girlfriend? Do you understand how that sounds?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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She is afraid that if she gets custody of their child, he is going to lose it.

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And come after you? Why you?

First off, he already knows where I live. She made the statement, not me. I completely believe that he would come after me as he always blamed me for the incident. I took responsibility for my culpability a long time ago. Have you ever been around someone who was able to make everyone around them believe everything he says? That's him. He was never violent with me but he always seemed to teeter on the edge. As far as knowing where my son is, they live in the same town. Do you really think he couldn't lie about which address my son is at? His mother is not above lying for him either. But even if I couldn't get custody, I would rather them have it, as they are a stable environment.

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Are you suggesting a court appointed mediator is not an appropriate supervisor for visitations? Because that is who I chose, not some random person off the street. I did everything the court asked of me, the father was not satisfied with it. They took his side over mine. I was young and gave up too easily. I can't say I don't regret it, but that doesn't mean I can't change what happens from here on out.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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First off, he already knows where I live. She made the statement, not me.

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Then why bother to tell us about the silly warning?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I completely believe that he would come after me as he always blamed me for the incident.

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Based upon the fact that he has left you alone for six or more years, and appears to want nothing to do with you?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I took responsibility for my culpability a long time ago.

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That would be right after you refused to cooperate with the police so that your boyfriend wouldn't be convicted for inflicting a severe head injury to your child?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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Have you ever been around someone who was able to make everyone around them believe everything he says? That's him.

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Which ex- are we talking about at this point?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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He was never violent with me but he always seemed to teeter on the edge.

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Same question.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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As far as knowing where my son is, they live in the same town. Do you really think he couldn't lie about which address my son is at?

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You have two addresses to work with, and you are going to expect us to believe that it would be impossible to determine at which address a severely disabled child receives 24-hour care?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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But even if I couldn't get custody, I would rather them have it, as they are a stable environment.

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Then why are you asking about modifying custody?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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Are you suggesting a court appointed mediator is not an appropriate supervisor for visitations?

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Certainly not to anybody who actually reads what I wrote.

Now that you say that you don't want custody, I suggest taking the steps previously described so as to resume visitation.

I can appreciate what you are saying but you are making a lot of assumptions. I cooperated fully and complied with everything asked of me. When you say I made a poor choice to supervise visits, you had no idea that choice was an employee of the court. I never said I didn't want custody, I stated if I couldn't get custody. I also never said we were out of contact. The ex I was referring to was the custodial father. I slept in the hospital room with my son until he filed a restraining order so that I cou even see him. When someone asks for advice, they are not asking for judgement. I've had plenty of that, thank you very much. The first two years of my son's life, I was the sole custodian. I made a bad judgment and it nearly cost my son his life. I will live with that decision for the rest of my life. I don't want to make another that could make it worse.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I can appreciate what you are saying but you are making a lot of assumptions. I cooperated fully and complied with everything asked of me. When you say I made a poor choice to supervise visits, you had no idea that choice was an employee of the court. I never said I didn't want custody, I stated if I couldn't get custody. I also never said we were out of contact. The ex I was referring to was the custodial father. I slept in the hospital room with my son until he filed a restraining order so that I cou even see him. When someone asks for advice, they are not asking for judgement. I've had plenty of that, thank you very much. The first two years of my son's life, I was the sole custodian. I made a bad judgment and it nearly cost my son his life. I will live with that decision for the rest of my life. I don't want to make another that could make it worse.

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MrKIA was actually a lot more gentle than you realize.

You're paying the consequences for what is truly a horrendous lapse in judgment in which your child ALMOST DIED. Those consequences should quite rightly preclude you from obtaining custody.

Do you see where we're coming from?

Actually, the courts did not preclude me from future custody. The father, through his antagonising during visitations, made it impossible for the reunification process to occur. I am happily married and have two more children. I lost custody not because of my judgement but because of the severity of the injury. Part of the courts decision was that I attend grief counseling to deal with it. I did that for three years. The modifications were supposed to be made within a year of the original decision. It was their full intention to return partial custody to me. His father didn't see it that way. Thank you for turning my concerns for my son's safety back on me. Like I said, I can appreciate everything he said, but he assumed quite a bit that wasn't true. I think the hardest part of starting this is the fact he is in another state. of course I would fly there for visitations, but who would supervise. When I tried having an officer of the court do it, he cut the visits short. I don't trust his family to do it without antagonising me. He would never allow anyone I know to do it, and the court said it was his choice. Do you see where I'm coming from?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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Actually, the courts did not preclude me from future custody. The father, through his antagonising during visitations, made it impossible for the reunification process to occur. I am happily married and have two more children. I lost custody not because of my judgement but because of the severity of the injury.

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I'll be blunt. Yes, you lost custody because of your judgment (or more accurately, the lack thereof). Let's not waste time covering it with prettier language.

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Part of the courts decision was that I attend grief counseling to deal with it. I did that for three years. The modifications were supposed to be made within a year of the original decision. It was their full intention to return partial custody to me. His father didn't see it that way. Thank you for turning my concerns for my son's safety back on me. Like I said, I can appreciate everything he said, but he assumed quite a bit that wasn't true. I think the hardest part of starting this is the fact he is in another state. of course I would fly there for visitations, but who would supervise. When I tried having an officer of the court do it, he cut the visits short. I don't trust his family to do it without antagonising me. He would never allow anyone I know to do it, and the court said it was his choice. Do you see where I'm coming from?

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Yes, I do, actually.

And you're really not going to like this.

You failed your son as a parent. In many states, you would know longer have a son - the other parent would have had a not-too-difficult time having your parental rights terminated. Yes, you're lucky you still actually have a son.

Your task now is to kiss up to whoever and do whatever you're told to do in order to obtain something solid. We can't help you with that; it will be completely up to you.

Perhaps you can offer to pay for a professional visitation center if there's one relatively local to them?

Now we are getting somewhere. The original visitations were at a center. Is there any way to keep the father from being there during the visit? As I stated, he likes to start arguments. I want a productive visit, not one that would be detrimental to his health. When I made the court aware of the issue before, nothing was done to rectify it. And how does it work if the case is in California?

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I can appreciate what you are saying but you are making a lot of assumptions. I cooperated fully and complied with everything asked of me.

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You have told us that you know that your ex-boyfriend caused the injury. You have told us that he was able to avoid criminal prosecution due to what you implicitly argue to be a completely fabricated medical defense. It is difficult to believe that you were at all cooperative with the prosecution during their effort to put your boyfriend behind bars, given that you knew his defense was premised on lies.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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When you say I made a poor choice to supervise visits, you had no idea that choice was an employee of the court.

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You are purporting that there were problems with supervision with the court employee, which is something upon which one would expect that a court employee would be deemed credible by the court, but that the court rejected your complaints and gave dad the exclusive right to select or serve as the supervisor for visitation. If you made a good choice of supervisor, it inexorably follows that the facts aren't as you described them above.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I never said I didn't want custody, I stated if I couldn't get custody.

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I see... Your notion is that you want to scorch the earth for your ex-, such that he loses custody of the severely child for whom he has cared for the past six years, save perhaps for six months of it.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I also never said we were out of contact.

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You said, "I havent been able to see him in over 6 years. I cant even send birthday presents because he either throws them away or sends them back." You purported that you don't even know where the child lives. Try to keep your story straight.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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When someone asks for advice, they are not asking for judgement. I've had plenty of that, thank you very much.

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The person who presides over legal proceedings is called a judge -- if you go to court, you will be judged.

The facts are what they are. We did not create the facts.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I lost custody not because of my judgement but because of the severity of the injury.

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Sorry, no, that's not how it works.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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Actually, the courts did not preclude me from future custody. The father, through his antagonising during visitations, made it impossible for the reunification process to occur.

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You have been repeatedly reminded of your options to resume some form of visitation. If you want to address the possibility of supervision being by a third party, you can raise that issue with the court.

I was not involved in the criminal proceedings whatsoever. I was brought in the day they decided to drop the charges to be told that doctors they interviewed(not me) could not not disprove a medical cause for his injury. I did not fabricate any medical condition, I still believe it was non accidental, as the family court surmised. I wasn't even in contact with him by the time the charges were filed. Stop assuming you know what happened and quit putting words in my mouth. There was enough reasonable doubt that they couldn't file charges, that doesn't mean I didn't want them to. The man who hurt my son got to keep his job and I had to be moved to a different position.
And yes, that is how it works, as the judge herself explained it to me. The judge overseeing the case was the head of the family courts, by the way.
Also never said I didn't have an address to send things to, just that there are two different ones.

Sorry, but you get less credible with each post. There is simply no way that neither the police nor prosecutor sought to interview you before deciding to dismiss the charges against your ex-boyfriend. The only way they would have refrained from speaking to you is if you lawyered up and refused to cooperate with their investigation.

Wow, it's like youweren't even there. Oh wait, you weren't. I was interviewed when my son was taken in to the hospital, they didn't need any more than that. As I wasn't present when the incident occurred, there was nothing else I could give them.

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Quoting Lovemcb

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I was not involved in the criminal proceedings whatsoever. I was brought in the day they decided to drop the charges to be told that doctors they interviewed(not me) could not not disprove a medical cause for his injury. I did not fabricate any medical condition, I still believe it was non accidental, as the family court surmised.

I wasn't even in contact with him by the time the charges were filed. Stop assuming you know what happened and quit putting words in my mouth. There was enough reasonable doubt that they couldn't file charges, that doesn't mean I didn't want them to. The man who hurt my son got to keep his job and I had to be moved to a different position.
And yes, that is how it works, as the judge herself explained it to me. The judge overseeing the case was the head of the family courts, by the way.
Also never said I didn't have an address to send things to, just that there are two different ones.

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Stop. Just stop. There is absolutely nothing the exceedingly kind volunteers can offer you here. If you want to sit and argue what objective readers are seeing, you're wasting your time.

The child is presumably safe and sound. There is no reason to believe that he would somehow be better off with the parent who did fail him, versus one who did not.

Unless of course you're going to take the side of an obviously biased witness who at best is trying to mess up Dad's life. Think about it - if he's been abusing HER child, why has she come to you, someone who has absolutely no knowledge of what has or hasn't been happening during the past few years, instead of going straight to law enforcement to report the abuse?

So despite previously claiming that you were "not involved in the criminal proceedings whatsoever", your new story is that you gave a perfunctory initial statement before lawyering up and refusing to cooperate. Because that's what you did, right?

Sorry, but I've seen the inside of too many courtrooms and too many abuse investigations to find you credible. You and I both know that it was not merely the severity of the child's injuries that caused you to be deemed a risk to the child, and caused the judge to order that you be allowed only supervised contact. The case against you in family court was predicated upon culpable abuse, even if it was a case that the prosecutor did not believe would succeed in a criminal court, and (at a minimum) your failure to protect your child from the abuse that culminated in life-threatening injuries.