Absent Father Wants Legal Rights

Sadly, I understand that is the reality of the situation (an amazing thing for my son if he follows through though).

Now my question is, what will he need to do to establish visitation? He is not on the birth certificate and he lives in a different state and travels very often so it's been hard to keep contact with him.

If paternity hasn't been established, then he has to do that first. Once that's done, he can file to get a parenting plan ordered. You can (and should) request that visitation takes place in your location, and that it's supervised at first to allow both to get to know each other again.

If he follows through, he'll eventually get overnights, weekends and weeks and he'll be able to have your son fly out to .. well, wherever Dad is living.

This is the point where you become proactive. If he files, you can also submit your own parenting plan if it doesn't seem quite right. Include who gets which holidays, who is responsible for transportation (as well as cost), pick-up and drop-off times as much as is feasible (tricky if he's living out of state). Virtual visitation via Skype/webcam is becoming more and more popular, and in many cases it can be a really great option in addition to physical visits.

There are lot of examples out there, but focus on Washington initially. If there's something you're not sure of, there's nothing stopping you from just asking your question here, too - we're pretty fantastic (honest!) at brainstorming.

The other thing you might want to consider is MyFamilyWizard, which is a method of communication that the courts can read - there's a calendar, you can send messages back and forth, and knowing that your court will be able to see everything can often nudge parents to be a bit less hostile. It's $99/per person/per year - but it's worth every cent.

How will he go about establishing paternity? And do you think I can get full custody or should I file for it? Also, if I do get full custody, does that mean he has relinquished his rights? If he gets visitation, will he pay child support? Because he isn't on the birth certificate, what are his rights now and what is he able to do? Will he need to go to a lawyer to help him establish paternity?

He's been threatening and blaming me for why he never came around for my son. Initially because he wasn't around when I needed him I would tell him to leave us alone. Will that affect my case?

He would file in WA, and WA has made it very, very easy for pro se (representing themselves) litigants.

Full custody won't do what you want it to do; all it means realistically is that you're the parent with physical custody. Dad will still have rights no matter what. Though it wouldn't exactly endear him to the commissioner, it's rare to order no visitation based upon no payment. In fact, there are very few who will suspend visitation at all and they tend to include some pretty extreme circumstances. Similarly, you can't withhold court-ordered visitation if he doesn't pay.

You're both guilty in varying degrees about what's happened in the past, but ultimately it was/is Dad's responsibility to file to establish paternity and parenting time. Don't worry at this point.

What's more important is that you're going to have to accept that if he wants to be an active father, he will be allowed to do so. It's doing you no good if you're looking for loopholes or reasons why you can fight visitation.

If Dad is serious, this is what's likely: Joint legal (decision-making) custody, with you being the primary custodial parent, and him having an enforceable court order. Once that's in place, you cannot thwart Dad's attempts at being a father, and you cannot - I can't emphasise this enough - you cannot try to replace him with your husband.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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He would file in WA, and WA has made it very, very easy for pro se (representing themselves) litigants.

Full custody won't do what you want it to do; all it means realistically is that you're the parent with physical custody. Dad will still have rights no matter what. Though it wouldn't exactly endear him to the commissioner, it's rare to order no visitation based upon no payment. In fact, there are very few who will suspend visitation at all and they tend to include some pretty extreme circumstances. Similarly, you can't withhold court-ordered visitation if he doesn't pay.

You're both guilty in varying degrees about what's happened in the past, but ultimately it was/is Dad's responsibility to file to establish paternity and parenting time. Don't worry at this point.

What's more important is that you're going to have to accept that if he wants to be an active father, he will be allowed to do so. It's doing you no good if you're looking for loopholes or reasons why you can fight visitation.

If Dad is serious, this is what's likely: Joint legal (decision-making) custody, with you being the primary custodial parent, and him having an enforceable court order. Once that's in place, you cannot thwart Dad's attempts at being a father, and you cannot - I can't emphasise this enough - you cannot try to replace him with your husband.

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I agree with this but will add an answer to one question that was kind of overlooked.

Until he establishes paternity in court he has no rights at all. He is legally a total stranger to the child until he establishes paternity. Its possible that he won't want to do that, because he knows that it will obligate him for child support. Therefore he has attempted to bully and intimidate you. Ignore him until he takes it to court...make him prove that he is truly serious about establishing a relationship with your mutual child.

Just to clarify, ignore him as in don't answer or speak to him if he asks to speak to my son or ignore the threats and allow him to speak to my son. As of now I've informed him in order to establish a relationship we will start slow with phone calls, eventually video calls, then meet him in person. And when we meet in person, he and I can sit our son down (hopefully with step parents) and discuss be situation with him. That regardless of what happened to us our son will always be a priority and he will always be loved. But I do want to go the legal route and establish all these things so we can all be protected and abide by the law. Until he establishes paternity, what are we allowed or supposed to do? Do I allow him to only talk to my son on the phone? My son doesn't know who he is so if he doesn't call it won't matter to him. I've read that the more a mother pushes the father away the more It would hurt their custody case and I don't want that for my son and I. I just want to make sure that my son is protected and I want to do the best that I can to accommodate whatever is needed if his father is serious about being in his life. Is he obligated to pay child support or back child support? I've heard of cases where it was waived or it affected a case to where visitation wasn't granted because of failure to pay child support. I understand all situations are different.

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Quoting godivaqueen

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Just to clarify, ignore him as in don't answer or speak to him if he asks to speak to my son or ignore the threats and allow him to speak to my son. As of now I've informed him in order to establish a relationship we will start slow with phone calls, eventually video calls, then meet him in person. And when we meet in person, he and I can sit our son down (hopefully with step parents) and discuss be situation with him. That regardless of what happened to us our son will always be a priority and he will always be loved. But I do want to go the legal route and establish all these things so we can all be protected and abide by the law. Until he establishes paternity, what are we allowed or supposed to do? Do I allow him to only talk to my son on the phone? My son doesn't know who he is so if he doesn't call it won't matter to him. I've read that the more a mother pushes the father away the more It would hurt their custody case and I don't want that for my son and I. I just want to make sure that my son is protected and I want to do the best that I can to accommodate whatever is needed if his father is serious about being in his life. Is he obligated to pay child support or back child support? I've heard of cases where it was waived or it affected a case to where visitation wasn't granted because of failure to pay child support. I understand all situations are different.

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Dad has gone six years now without bothering to even establish paternity, let alone filing for visitation. No judge is going to hold it against you for making dad go the legal route to establish paternity and visitation before you allow access to the child.

Yes, he will have to pay child support once everything is established...and no, a decision won't be made on visitation based on the fact that he has never supported the child. He had no legal obligation to support the child since paternity was never established.

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Quoting godivaqueen

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Just to clarify, ignore him as in don't answer or speak to him if he asks to speak to my son or ignore the threats and allow him to speak to my son. As of now I've informed him in order to establish a relationship we will start slow with phone calls, eventually video calls, then meet him in person. And when we meet in person, he and I can sit our son down (hopefully with step parents) and discuss be situation with him. That regardless of what happened to us our son will always be a priority and he will always be loved. But I do want to go the legal route and establish all these things so we can all be protected and abide by the law. Until he establishes paternity, what are we allowed or supposed to do? Do I allow him to only talk to my son on the phone? My son doesn't know who he is so if he doesn't call it won't matter to him. I've read that the more a mother pushes the father away the more It would hurt their custody case and I don't want that for my son and I. I just want to make sure that my son is protected and I want to do the best that I can to accommodate whatever is needed if his father is serious about being in his life. Is he obligated to pay child support or back child support? I've heard of cases where it was waived or it affected a case to where visitation wasn't granted because of failure to pay child support. I understand all situations are different.

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Not in Washington, you haven't. To begin with he doesn't have to pay until the child support in actual ordered. More to the point though, the court is not going to suspend visitation for non payment.

WA is very clear on this one.

I'm sorry, I just want to clarify, you said I haven't? I haven't what exactly?

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Quoting godivaqueen

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I'm sorry, I just want to clarify, you said I haven't? I haven't what exactly?

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You haven't "heard of cases" in WA where visitation was denied for lack of payment of child support.