Absent Father Wants Legal Rights

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Washington

My sons father contacted me a few months back asking to be in my sons life. My son is now six years old. He has only come around probably four times since my sons birth. We both have remarried. I've asked him to pay child support because we've fallen on hard times. My husband pays child support and also for his daughters medical bills because she has cancer and it's been hard to find a job that would hire me with my sons school schedule. He refuses to pay child support because he feels it's my husbands responsibility to do so because we are now married and his reasoning is because he takes care of his stepdaughter with no help so we shouldn't be asking him for financial support. I've never asked him for help before but I need his help now but he refuses to. I've reiterated that this is not for me this is to help our son but he feels his responsibility is to support my son and that's it. He is stationed in a different country and I don't know how he can support or help me from all the way where he is. He has threatened to take me to court to get custody of my son because I can't take care of my son because I'm asking him for money. My son has asthma, bad allergies, and Sclorosis. I've never asked him for help before and he keeps bringing up that I've pushed him away. Yes, I admit I did tell him to leave us alone because I felt he wasn't consistent in my sons life. He was rarely around. My son is six and he still doesn't know his father and his father blames me. My question is, what are my legal rights and does he have grounds to take my son away from me? He is not on the birth certificate because he wasn't around for my sons birth or ever. When he came around it was brief and then we didn't see or hear from him until now. I have no problem giving him visitation rights because I want my son to know his father. As angry as I am that he doesn't feel obligated to help me, I am doing this for my son but I fear that he will take my son from me. Is he able to take my son from me? What rights does he have and as his mother what am I legally obligated to do?

You indirectly indicated he is in the service. Your mutual child should be eligible for Tri Care. Further his command will get involved in an issue where he is ignoring an existing child support order. If you have not gotten one, I suggest you start the process, even if the S/S Relief Act delays enforcement until he is stationed back into the US. I want to comment, You Rock Mom if you encourage a relationship between them whenever possible.

Comment much appreciated, don't hear it very often. I'm not as worried about the child support anymore but more so having my son taken from me, is that possible? I told him I'd agree on supervised visitation because he's so young and he's never been alone with him. I'm not sure if he even remembers his father because he was so young last time he saw his dad. Thank you again.

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Quoting godivaqueen

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Comment much appreciated, don't hear it very often. I'm not as worried about the child support anymore but more so having my son taken from me, is that possible? I told him I'd agree on supervised visitation because he's so young and he's never been alone with him. I'm not sure if he even remembers his father because he was so young last time he saw his dad. Thank you again.

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There is virtually zero chance that he could take your son from you because he is a virtual stranger to the child. However, it would be classic for him to try once he gets hit for child support. Go ahead and file to establish paternity and for child support.

I understand that a child needs his relationship with his father and before I was adamant about receiving his financial assistance in raising our son. But now I'm just afraid and I appreciate your advice that he can't legally take my son away. I'm planning on seeking out help on how to have my son get adopted by my husband. I feel that a stable man in my sons life is better rather than dealing with a man who is inconsistent. But I know it won't be my choice:(

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Quoting godivaqueen

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I understand that a child needs his relationship with his father and before I was adamant about receiving his financial assistance in raising our son. But now I'm just afraid and I appreciate your advice that he can't legally take my son away. I'm planning on seeking out help on how to have my son get adopted by my husband. I feel that a stable man in my sons life is better rather than dealing with a man who is inconsistent. But I know it won't be my choice:(

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You got scared because he threatened you with taking the child away. Don't make decisions out of fear. A stepparent adoption is more complicated than you think it is, and there are things that both you and your husband need to think about before making that decision. Should you divorce, would you be okay with the possibility that your husband might get custody instead of you? Would your husband be ok with the concept of paying child support to you for the child if you were to get custody? If your husband adopts the child will be equally his child forever. Its nothing that can be undone.

As far as bio-dad is concerned (and I am using that term because he has not established paternity yet) he may honestly be finally ready to step up to the plate...or he may simply be bluffing because he does not want to pay child support. I would love to see him make the argument in court that he shouldn't have to support his child because you are remarried, and the argument that he should have custody since you obviously cannot take care of the child since you are asking him for support. A judge would laugh him right out of the courtroom.

Again, don't make decisions that will have a major impact on everyone's lives out of fear.

Thank you for the encouragement. I wish these things were easy and I wish that we all saw eye to eye that this is for the betterment of our son and not because we have a hidden agenda despite what some May think. My husband and I have been together for several years and he's been in my sons life since he was a year old. If his bio-dad did want to get custody or go to court, is it possible he could get joint custody?


Thank you for your encouragement! I greatly appreciate the honesty.

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Quoting godivaqueen

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Thank you for the encouragement. I wish these things were easy and I wish that we all saw eye to eye that this is for the betterment of our son and not because we have a hidden agenda despite what some May think. My husband and I have been together for several years and he's been in my sons life since he was a year old. If his bio-dad did want to get custody or go to court, is it possible he could get joint custody?


Thank you for your encouragement! I greatly appreciate the honesty.

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His father could get joint legal custody (joint decision making) and a parenting timeshare based on the reality of the circumstances. He would have to start visiting the child in your community in your presence until the child gets a chance to be comfortable with him, but eventually he would get time in his own home, wherever that may be at the time. A 50/50 placement would be unlikely to ever happen, due to the fact that its unlikely that you would ever be living in the same state/community.

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Washington



I posted recently about my sons father returning after being gone for four years, we haven't heard from him until now. He refuses to pay child support because he feels that if he can hold his own and support his family then my husband and I can do the same. Our situations are far from different.

I've been reading some posts and I came across "abandonment", what is that? And can I charge my son's father with that?

I am pro-bio-father-son relationship but I feel like he doesn't deserve to be in my sons life. He denied my son when I was pregnant, he came around probably three to five times since my sons been born.

I've been through a lot as a single mother. I worry that he is going to take my son away still. If he doesn't want to help me financially or feel that it is his obligation to help me, why does he deserve to be in my sons life when clearly my husband has been the father figure in his life?

If I'm ordered to give him visitation I would hope it can be supervised. But can I call that "abandonment" if he's been gone for all this time? And would I have a right to ask him to revoke his rights as a parent so my husband can adopt my son?

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Quoting godivaqueen

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Washington



I posted recently about my sons father returning after being gone for four years, we haven't heard from him until now. He refuses to pay child support because he feels that if he can hold his own and support his family then my husband and I can do the same. Our situations are far from different.

I've been reading some posts and I came across "abandonment", what is that? And can I charge my son's father with that?

I am pro-bio-father-son relationship but I feel like he doesn't deserve to be in my sons life. He denied my son when I was pregnant, he came around probably three to five times since my sons been born.

I've been through a lot as a single mother. I worry that he is going to take my son away still. If he doesn't want to help me financially or feel that it is his obligation to help me, why does he deserve to be in my sons life when clearly my husband has been the father figure in his life?

If I'm ordered to give him visitation I would hope it can be supervised. But can I call that "abandonment" if he's been gone for all this time? And would I have a right to ask him to revoke his rights as a parent so my husband can adopt my son?

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He's been wanting visitation though - with very few exceptions, WA is going to give him at least one more shot.

It's not about deserving. It's about him being the father. Thankfully we do not base custody decisions on who may or may not deserve visitation.