Noncustodial Parent Moved to Another State Without Notice

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California

I have been scouring the posts to see if I could answer my own questions the best I could but have a few from my unique situation. My ex told me the other day he's taking off to TX for a new job within the same company and wants to change visitation from every weekend to every two weeks. While this is "normal" to adjust for the travel and distance, our children (S8, D6) are very impressionable and will be devastated to hear of his leaving. (He's moving away with his skank girlfriend and THREE kids. Go figure!) He works for the airlines and since he has the ability to fly whenever he wants, that this should help make the transition easier knowing he won't be limited to financial means for travell. That's just the thing though...he fles whenever HE wants to and not when he should do usually and has made countless lies to get out of picking his kids up on time, etc. He's had two other children in two other states and has seen them a couple times in several years.

Ex has history of abandoning his two other children from first marriage and his oldest son (17) is SEVERELY disabled with cerebral palsy (can't walk, talk, blind, in diapers, G-tube for eating, etc) and he became a ward of the court in AZ because his mother became suicidal (shes a drug addict) and couldn't care for him anymore. My ex left him in AZ because "he didn't know what to do" and caring for him would "get in the way of his career". He made a half-assed attempt to get him transferred to a facility in CA but got turned down. That was nearly 4 years ago and has made no attempt to help get out of CPS custody and foster care. He now has almost no contact with any family. His other daugther got knocked up at 16 and ran away out of state and we had to hunt her down to find her. He has very rare contact with her now as well. I said all this to just establish what a real piece of work this idiot is.

Now, I'm very very concerned that though I know he would never take the kids away from me (who else would take care of them while he's on his ambitious career track?), his move would have a detrimental effect to our young children, especially our son (8) who is also disabled (autistic) who at the moment, has stable health but he's been in and out of the hospital and doctor's offices his whole life. I know a state can't prevent a non-custodial parent from moving from what I have researched, but I wonder if there is another way I can attack this to enforce the visitation be consistent or perhaps require a slower adjustment period since it is in their best interest??

Also, his career is a M-F thing and MY career is a weekend job (I'm a wedding planner and we all know most weddings happen on weekends). I am panicking because if he moves and changes the visitation to every other weekend, I LOSE my ability to work and generate an income by 50%!!! Is there something that legally protects me/us from letting the other spouses new job/relocation to severely and detrimentally impact my ability to generate an income? Also, its like pulling teeth to get him to show up on time (shows up late and drops off early) so how in the world is he going to fly standby on a Friday night all the way from TX to CA and make it in time to pick the kids up? My career is literally on the line and its all deteremined on whether his standby status will get him here, much less his plane arriving on time.

On a side note, I am also battling a life-threatening illness of which he knows I struggle with and I use help of my sweet and very dedicated grandmother to help me on a daily basis with our son. However, her health is waning and though I'm physically in worse shape than she is, she is elderly and I am not going to wear her out by letting my ex just dictate our lives and schedules because the new job serves his needs first and foremost.

Am I looking at a case where I'm going to have to go back to court and then a trial to determine the best interests of our kids? It ultimately comes down to the facts that:

1. Changing our visitation to every other week not only really impacts visitation and continuity with their father, but
2. It severely impacts my earning ability and cuts my earning capacity by 50%,
3. Creates additional stress and anxiety, effecting my ability to not only cope with the weekly burden of caring for a special needs child, but impacts my already fragile health.

I feel like so long as you're a non-custodial parent, you can do whatever you want, when you want it and its perfectly fine with the court so long as you pay for your abcense and try to see your kids every once in a while. I feel like me and the kids are getting completely screwed over...again. I've sacrificed multiple jobs and my career to care for ALL his children at one point or another and I still feel like I'm married to him because I have to lay down any possibilities of advancement because his career (it was NOTHING until we married) has always taken center stage. Do I have any hope? Any protection?

About the only possibility you have is a potential increase in child support due to the fact that he would be spending less time with the children. Hopefully that increase in child support would enable you to find weekend care for your children so that you can continue to work every weekend.

Perhaps a teenager to assist your grandmother in helping you care for the children? Someone that has more energy but whom your grandmother could supervise?

The reality of life is that a non-custodial parent can basically disappear from the children's lives entirely without penalty, as long as they pay the child support that they are ordered to pay. You know that your ex has a habit of basically abandoning his children...so your goal honestly needs to be getting the appropriate child support based on the situation.

I suspect that despite the fact that your ex works for an airline, that even if he honestly intends to exercise every other weekend that it actually won't work out that way...so you need to keep on top of child support.

Regardless of whether you feel personally screwed as a result of the noncustodial parent's decision to relocate, there is absolutely nothing the court can or will do to prevent the father from moving. The court will likely modify visitation accordingly due to the fact he has moved.

Where there are two fit parents, remaining the custodial parent is not a matter of right but of privilege. And dad's relocation is now resulting in a significant change in circumstances.

If you attempt to argue in court the father should not be allowed to move because it will seriously affect your ability to care for your children, and that your health issues may interfere with your ability to care for your children, you will inadvertently be presenting compelling reasons to the court why it may be in the children's better interests to live with their father. And regardless of your personal opinion of his shortcomings, it just might be in their better interests.

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Quoting swtpea77

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Ex has history of abandoning his two other children from first marriage. . . . He's had two other children in two other states and has seen them a couple times in several years.

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I am curious to know what you were thinking when you decided to have children with him.

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Quoting swtpea77

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I wonder if there is another way I can attack this to enforce the visitation be consistent or perhaps require a slower adjustment period since it is in their best interest??

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no, no court has the authority to force a NCP to exercise their visitation.

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Quoting swtpea77

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Also, his career is a M-F thing and MY career is a weekend job (I'm a wedding planner and we all know most weddings happen on weekends). I am panicking because if he moves and changes the visitation to every other weekend, I LOSE my ability to work and generate an income by 50%!!!

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And now we have the real issue. You need him for child care.

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Quoting swtpea77

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Is there something that legally protects me/us from letting the other spouses new job/relocation to severely and detrimentally impact my ability to generate an income?

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No. You need child care. If your child care costs increase, you can petition the court for more child support in CA.

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Quoting JulesJam

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I am curious to know what you were thinking when you decided to have children with him.

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In a way that is a fair question, in a way its not. Life is complicated and what one comes to know before new children arrive might be very different than what one comes to know after the fact.

A friend of mine married a man who had 2 children from a first marriage and 4 children from a second. She also had two from her first. When he suggested that they should have a baby she stated "heck no, you can barely afford the ones you already have". That was a pretty clear cut situation.

However, if their marriage had been her first, and she believed it was for life, and had no children prior to that and wasn't in the "know" about his prior obligations it would not have been unusual for them to have a child or two...even aware of his prior obligations but believed they could manage, again, it wouldn't be unusual for them to have a child or two.

My discomfort with the current atmosphere in this country is the idea that every "serious" relationship should result in a child...but at the same time I have a problem with the idea that one needs to automatically assume that they should not have a child with someone without a serious background check.

I suspected much out of my options which isn't much. Its unfair to our kids most of all and though my circumstances are tremendously difficulty now, we'll survive and my kids will have those around them that love them the most and they'll be the better for it. As for the comments about my 'audacity to procreate' with such a low-life...We were a loving happy family once BEFORE we had kids and I was stepmom to his two children. Life wasn't easy but we made it work for a time being. No evidence appeared before marriage while dating and during our first few years (and while I was pregnant with our 2nd) that he was even remotely capable of ignoring his responsibilities to his children. This story reads like he's some thug or trailer trash but his a perfectly "normal" middle class guy that you'd never even think twice about. Believe or not, he is MUCH beloved amongst his colleagues and his employees. He is really good at brown-nosing, hint hint. ;)

Just try to image how I felt watching this all unfold and have no job, no money and no support to fall back on. I stuck around for a few more years for my kids sake to see if we could champion through the worst of it and it never happened. You can't make someone love you or take responsibility. All I could do was say "If you do this or don't do that, you'll leave me no choice but to walk away"...so he got a mistress to "cope with the stress" and I've been carrying the burdens ever since.

My judgement was fair and SOUND when we married. None of his behaviors manifested until we were faced with incredible odds. Your character will show through when you're put to the test. I thought we had already battled enough for me to see him clearly. Unfortunately this is not so. Hind sight is 20/20, isn't it? No one ever thinks its going to happen to them. So to the jackasses that want to point fingers at someone like me, suck it. I don't owe any explanation for my choices to YOU, just my children. I am always honest though appropriate with what I tell a 6 and 8 yr old. And a day will come that I may have to give them a better explanation into what happened.

I came here asking for legal advice not personal advice. Clearly you know this but could care less because for some strange reason, you feel you think you're entitled to an opinion about my life. You're not.

I divorced my husband after SEVERAL attempts to reign in the chaos, the mismanaged portions of his life, the relentless drama over when and how he should see his kids. He does love them but is emotionally damaged (thanks to a neglectful and abusive father). I wasn't around to clean up his mess and he married me under false pretenses. No self-respecting woman would stay in that mess and I got out LONG after shit hit the fan because I wanted to be able to say to my kids one day that I did BEYOND what I had to in order to make it work.

Did I make a poor life choice? Sure, because hindsight tells me I did. But I don't regret our beautiful children and I don't regret being a stepparent to precious kids. I grieve to see my stepson so cutoff from everyone and I'm not allowed to visit him.

NOW....my next question for considerate minds would be: since my need for child care on every other weekend still stands, and yes, I can petition for greater child care costs, could I potentially hold him responsible for the loss of wages? Since I'm not agreeing to this move, is he held responsible for making sure that his original responsiblites on those days are covered? Meaning does he carry the legal responsibilty for making up for more than just the legal visitation?

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Quoting tex11

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If you attempt to argue in court the father should not be allowed to move because it will seriously affect your ability to care for your children, and that your health issues may interfere with your ability to care for your children, you will inadvertently be presenting compelling reasons to the court why it may be in the children's better interests to live with their father. And regardless of your personal opinion of his shortcomings, it just might be in their better interests.

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Believe you me, I hear you 100% on that one and I'm very careful on what I repeat to him with regard to my ailments. Nothing about my circumstances prevent me from being a great parent, though trying to work AND parent AND care for a disabled child AND get medical treatment AND for myself AND do physical therapy...its a too much to bear alone and I feel I'm entitled to more than just a paycheck from their father. He knows this because of what he went through with his older son and the AZ court system didn't let him get away with it. This is all just coming to head at the very worst time and I don't want to make any emotional pleas to a judge without getting sound advice and knowing what they have jurisdiction over and what I have a legal right to demand. My heart tells me "not much" and so I'll just have to keep being my ex's worst nightmare and never let him go without a moments notice without guilt and shame for his choices. He's so close to our kids and I feel that somewhere I know he feels guilty but he's running so he doesn't have to face them. He's an introvert, and I'm an extrovert and a huge fighter against injustice. Heck, maybe I'll just move to Texas too, right next door in fact and see what he says about that, haha! Don't think I haven't thought about that!

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Quoting swtpea77

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NOW....my next question for considerate minds would be: since my need for child care on every other weekend still stands, and yes, I can petition for greater child care costs, could I potentially hold him responsible for the loss of wages?

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Short answer: no. Your work schedule isn't his problem or responsibility. You've been lucky that his visitation schedule just happened to work to your benefit, but as far as the court will be concerned, dad has every right to move and have whatever work schedule works for him too. If it means you have to make other arrangements, then that's what'll have to happen. Again, not dad's problem. As already noted, if dad's moving means he's spending considerably less time with the children, child support may be adjusted accordingly. That may or may not make up for your increased child care costs. But dad's visitation from a legal standpoint is ONLY his visitation; it is NOT additionally dad's legal responsibility to enable your work schedule by acting as babysitter.

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Since I'm not agreeing to this move, is he held responsible for making sure that his original responsiblites on those days are covered?

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Nope. Dad is an adult. He's free to move at will. You don't have to agree to anything, but you also have no ability to stop him from moving or hold him accounable for your babysitting problems caused by him leading his own life. You have no business depending on him for childcare (and we would have told you not to depend on the other parent for babysitting forever way back at the beginning). If dad moves, you can ask that the visitation schedule be one that's reasonably workeable, and further that since dad is the one creating the distance, that he be responsible for extra travel expenses associated with that greater distance. (Which doesn't guarantee you'll be awarded such, but you should definately ask for this.)

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Meaning does he carry the legal responsibilty for making up for more than just the legal visitation?

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No.

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Nothing about my circumstances prevent me from being a great parent, though trying to work AND parent AND care for a disabled child AND get medical treatment AND for myself AND do physical therapy...its a too much to bear alone and I feel I'm entitled to more than just a paycheck from their father.

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Feeling entitled to something doesn't make it legally so. You might FEEL entitled to much, but legally, you're not. Again, your problems don't equate to being dad's problems. Dad has a responsiblity to support his children financially according to order of the court. That's it. Period.

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He knows this because of what he went through with his older son and the AZ court system didn't let him get away with it. This is all just coming to head at the very worst time and I don't want to make any emotional pleas to a judge without getting sound advice and knowing what they have jurisdiction over and what I have a legal right to demand.

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Child support. And court-mediation of the visitation schedule. Period.

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My heart tells me "not much" and so I'll just have to keep being my ex's worst nightmare and never let him go without a moments notice without guilt and shame for his choices.

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You do realize that some of that is going to spill onto your children, no matter how careful you are, right? Do you also realize that this could end up resulting in the children living with dad? Dad isn't the only one who made choices here, and you know what they say about glass houses. You really DON'T want a judge reminding you in open court, and some of them are very good at it. Tread lightly.

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He's so close to our kids and I feel that somewhere I know he feels guilty but he's running so he doesn't have to face them. He's an introvert, and I'm an extrovert and a huge fighter against injustice.

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Ok.

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Heck, maybe I'll just move to Texas too, right next door in fact and see what he says about that, haha! Don't think I haven't thought about that!

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If that's what you think it'll take to solve the babysitting issue, then maybe it's a solution you should consider. It still won't FORCE dad to take the childen according to your work schedule, and could end up with a restraining order with your name on it. I know none of that is what you want to hear, but you really need a dose of reality before you step foot in a courtroom and dig a big hole for yourself.

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Quoting swtpea77

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No evidence appeared before marriage while dating and during our first few years (and while I was pregnant with our 2nd) that he was even remotely capable of ignoring his responsibilities to his children.

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um, except how he treated his children with his first wife.

Women always say that there was no way they could have known the man was like this and it is never true. There were all kinds of warning signs but you chose to ignore them, most likely b/c he had money.

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Quoting swtpea77

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I don't owe any explanation for my choices to YOU, just my children.

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And when they are older, you got some 'splainin' to do.

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Quoting swtpea77

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(thanks to a neglectful and abusive father).

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See, there ALWAYS are warning signs; you just chose to ignore them. People who come from abusive families rarely if ever get to a healthy place in life without therapy or at a minimum, a whole lot of self-education and introspective thought and only then if they are insightful people.

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Quoting swtpea77

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I wasn't around to clean up his mess and he married me under false pretenses.

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Your failure to take any responsibility at all for the mess you have gotten not only yourself but your children in is very telling. You will never heal and learn to make better life choices unless you can acknowledge where you made mistakes and poor choices. And your unhealthy mind and choices will continue to negatively affect your children.

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Quoting swtpea77

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Did I make a poor life choice? Sure, because hindsight tells me I did.

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What you need to work on is identifying all of the warning signs you chose to ignore and be honest with yourself as to why you ignored them. How much did money play a role in your poor choice?

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Quoting swtpea77

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NOW....my next question for considerate minds would be: since my need for child care on every other weekend still stands, and yes, I can petition for greater child care costs, could I potentially hold him responsible for the loss of wages?

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You can ask for an increase in spousal support if you currently get any.

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Quoting swtpea77

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Since I'm not agreeing to this move, is he held responsible for making sure that his original responsiblites on those days are covered? Meaning does he carry the legal responsibilty for making up for more than just the legal visitation?

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For the 50th time, no. He has no legal responsibility to show up for visitation. He does not have to be your babysitter.

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Quoting swtpea77

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I'll just have to keep being my ex's worst nightmare and never let him go without a moments notice without guilt and shame for his choices.

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You need to see a therapist. You are not mentally healthy and need help before your toxic behavior damages your children further.

Catherine:

Thank you for your answers and for helping to understand where my feelings of entitlement are and where the boundaries of the law remain. Its not easy to hear but I really appreciate your insight. :)

Jules:

Why does making poor choices have anything at all to do with money? I made more money than him, he owned nothing, had a crappy car, had seemingly supportive and loving family (still love his mom), and loved and cared for his children BEFORE any behaviors manifested (as I explained before but you refuse to acknowledge this because somehow its too hard for you to believe that any one person could possibly be mostly innocent or naive in this situation). There was nothing missing in my life nor his...we just simply loved each other and I loved his children. End of story.

I've poured over any and all signs over the years, talked with several friends and family as well as counselors...every single person agrees WHOLEHEARTEDLY that blaming myself or taking responsibility for someone elses poor behavior is exactly what I should NOT do. They commended me for what I did in spite of it all and helped me get through a rather precarious few years until divorce. And per their advice, the relationship itself was toxic and could potentially damage our children so I did. Yet, it took all those years for those same people to even BELIEVE he was capable of doing something like he did because we were all fooled, not just me. I have some really healthy amazing friends and family that know my heart and my character and they were and are my "early warning system" when they see I am just being naive or trusting because I always try to see the best in people. My family, to this day, apologize to me for not hearing my cries or complaints right away because they loved him so much and couldn't believe what he did.

And though I'd never in a million years share the disgusting stories of his loose behavior and infidelity with my children, they will eventually see through the smiles and hugs and see his poor character and it rips my heart to shreds even now as I watch it unfold with our daughter when their dad chooses to be with a woman's 3 other children more than they. I protect my daughter and assure her everything's going to be okay while biting my lip about the bullshit he subjects them to.

Spousal Support has already ended last month. I'm under the impression that once it's over, it over. My ex has had 5 promotions in 3 1/2 yrs. Can I go back and request arrears be assessed for any overages in the state of CA?

When I said "I'll just have to keep being my ex's worst nightmare and never let him go without a moments notice without guilt and shame for his choices." This is what I meant: having his kids call him to talk often or do FaceTime or Skype nearly every day for homework, if he blows us off on the weekend he's supposed to visit, bring the kids to him instead... so please don't take my words out of context! His worst nightmare is to be reminded of his responsibilities, not some crazed out of control ex-wife. Every time he would get overwhelmed and couldn't deal with life he'd say "That's it, I'm moving to a cabin in Montana!" and I would always counter with "Good, I'll make sure I pack the kids' bags too"... he just can't deal with life in general. Things have always been hard and when he can't control the outcome, he backs out of the deals or promises he makes and rewrites a new chapter...For my children's sake, I will not allow his excuses to get in the way of them being able to see him and I will judge at a later date when and if I see if he is truly being negative towards them and resent them for their "interference". You can't make someone love you but I sure as hell won't sit quietly like his exwife did and let him make every excuse in the book why he couldn't fly a state away to see his kids.

I get that he's not my "babysitter" and a parent is not a babysitter anyways, period. But I just keep feeling like in spite of a judge not being able to prevent someone from moving, surely they can weigh SOMETHING in our favor to make him financially off-set his absence for all the extraordinary costs for respite care for a disabled child. CA's child support calculation shows that it does so I'm curious as to why I'm being told on here that he's not responsible whatsoever....? Maybe I need to find an online group or attorney who has actual first-hand experience in this type of delicate situation with disabled children. Not to discuss what we've already determined but to see if there's any loopholes I can group his respite care into so that it isn't just about 'babysitters' or being inconvenienced. When he abandoned his older son, state of AZ made him only responsible for a mere few hundred bucks simply because the his became a ward of the court and state picked up the tab to cover his medical and respite care, transportation costs, foster care, food, diapers, etc. If they didn't cover it, they would make him pay for it obviously. Since he's moving, his visitation isn't just visitation, he's caring for his disabled child. If he moves, he has to make sure that the holes in the schedule are filled and I can't do more than I'm already doing now. He simply cant just throw a few more bucks at me...I have to find quality help on a consistent basis and I'm assuming he's going to have to pay for the hole that he has left to fill. Whether our son lives with me or his dad, that hole in our schedule still has to be filled by "someone". Does that make better sense?

"Women always say that there was no way they could have known the man was like this and it is never true." NEVER true? Wow, somehow your overly confident absolutes are telling about your own self condition. Two things are coming through in your statements: 1. You beat someone when they're down simply because being right is more important to you when you want to dominate with your intellect to prove a point. 2. Someone very controlling in your life really gave you quite the whiplash and the harder you try to NOT be like that person, you're doing the EXACT...SAME...THING...You've witnessed this person making some rather poor decisions and haven't forgiven them for the issues its caused in your own life. Not only that, you see other women making the same mistakes and because of your anger issues, you turn to public forums to try to inflict injury to those who dare to seek counsel. Seriously girl, you need to take a HARD look in the mirror and ask yourself why you're on here in the first place. Wowzers!

I receive any all legit legal guidance I can into my situation that I share for those purposes of explaining for better insight and that's all, not "geez lady, you really screwed up!" I don't need to go online to some random forum to get personal advice from strangers who know nothing of my character that wish to pass judgement.

Stay on top of him re: child support. If you have to pay for specialized care for your autistic child, request that the court require that he half of that. You can also request that he pay half of all daycare costs. That would include daycare on the weekends (you are correct - parents are NOT babysitters) so you can continue to perform your job duties unhindered.

Support will go up as visitation decreases and you're entitled to half the cost of daycare. That should help alleviate some of the burdens you're now facing since he moved.

You really can't "force" visitation on him and as NCP he can move anywhere he wishes.

You should also request that he pay all the costs of transportation relating to visitation since he is the parent who relocated.

Keep track of visitation in a separate book, and make sure you put all communication re: visitation in emails. Don't get tricked into emotional warfare in the emails, don't make threats, don't tell him you'll be his worst nightmare, etc, in emails, just handle them as you would any business transaction. And should he fail to exercise visitation rights after a reasonable time period (ex. Over the course of two years or so since he'll be on a long distance visitation schedule), go back to court and request a modification based on his reduced timeshare. And as Tex said, don't provide him with any ammo re: your illness that could result n a change of custody.

He's not going to be held directly responsible for a potential drop in your income, but he can certainly be held financially responsible for half the cost of child care while you work.

I know you feel that he's put you in an untenable situation, but you *do* have plenty of legal options.

And get to an attorney ASAP to ensure that you are fully protected.

This isn't a psych message board, but if you feel overwhelmed, make sure you get the help that *you* need! but dad won't be required to pay for it. But based on your last post you sound more pissed off (probably rightfully so) than in need of a shrink.

Good luck to you.