What Happens When You Mediate Child Custody and Visitation Issues

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California - Butte County


I need advice on what happens in mediation. Please give me a reality check so I’m emotionally and mentally prepared for what a mediator will recommend to both me and the father of my son. I wouldn’t like to go into mediation to argue about things that are pointless to argue about. So a reality check or your personal experience in a mediation setting regarding child visitation and child custody would be appreciated.

Would a mediator feel/think (or do you feel/think) is it unreasonable for me to ask the father to sit down with me so he can get acquainted with our child since he’s never seen him before nor does he have any prior experience with children of his own? The father and I were never married or have we ever lived together. It was a short lived type of relationship.

We don’t have a child visitation or a child custody order established yet. All we have established is temporary child support that was immediately established by a judge once genetic testing confirmed that he was the father. We have mediation scheduled in 7 weeks to agree/argue on visitation and custody because he now wants joint physical custody, which I don’t agree on b/c he simply wants to lower the payments on child support. What he intends to do, which he’s disclosed to me in the past, is to leave our son with a sitter or his current girlfriend when he’s unavailable to care for our child personally, which seems unreasonable to me b/c I’m his mom and I’m available and able to care for our son when the father is not able to.

But with or without an order of visitation, I support and welcome that the father and our son develop a relationship. While I agree that the father having one-on-one time with our son is a great idea in the very near future, is it wrong for me to say that he cannot take our infant son for an hour without seeing how the two of them do together first? Is it wrong or inappropriate for me to give the father a little prep on how to handle our son so that, when he gets upset and fussy, it doesn’t overwhelm either of them. My thinking is that this will require the two of us sitting down together with our son (supervised or unsupervised) so that the father can see how our son is and I can see how the little guy reacts to him. He’s never seen him before, and for now, the father is a stranger to him. I feel (not that my feelings matter) that it would be a disservice to both he and our son to do it differently. I was simply suggesting that for the first visit or two, he and our son get comfortable with one another while I am present. Then after that, they can totally have their alone time without me interjecting or interfering, unless its regarding the safety and well-being of our son. But he feels that I should handover our son to him, period, no questions asked.

Lastly, what’s your take on the 50/50 joint legal and joint physical custody that he’s requesting? What’s the likelihood that he’ll get that approved, rather than having an hour or two of visitation periodically during the week while he's still young (6 months), and then working up to having the child sleepover on some weekends and spending special holidays, etc.? What's the likelihood that I'll get approved what I'm asking for; I'm requesting sole custody and that the non-custodial parent (the father) have visitation and that in the future, our son have weekend sleepovers and spend holidys with the father.


Side note: I'm moving from our county to the Bay Area once my job contract is over in two years.

Thank you

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Quoting Needlegaladvice77

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California - Butte County


I need advice on what happens in mediation. Please give me a reality check so I’m emotionally and mentally prepared for what a mediator will recommend to both me and the father of my son. I wouldn’t like to go into mediation to argue about things that are pointless to argue about. So a reality check or your personal experience in a mediation setting regarding child visitation and child custody would be appreciated.

Would a mediator feel/think (or do you feel/think) is it unreasonable for me to ask the father to sit down with me so he can get acquainted with our child since he’s never seen him before nor does he have any prior experience with children of his own? The father and I were never married or have we ever lived together. It was a short lived type of relationship.

We don’t have a child visitation or a child custody order established yet. All we have established is temporary child support that was immediately established by a judge once genetic testing confirmed that he was the father. We have mediation scheduled in 7 weeks to agree/argue on visitation and custody because he now wants joint physical custody, which I don’t agree on b/c he simply wants to lower the payments on child support. What he intends to do, which he’s disclosed to me in the past, is to leave our son with a sitter or his current girlfriend when he’s unavailable to care for our child personally, which seems unreasonable to me b/c I’m his mom and I’m available and able to care for our son when the father is not able to.

But with or without an order of visitation, I support and welcome that the father and our son develop a relationship. While I agree that the father having one-on-one time with our son is a great idea in the very near future, is it wrong for me to say that he cannot take our infant son for an hour without seeing how the two of them do together first? Is it wrong or inappropriate for me to give the father a little prep on how to handle our son so that, when he gets upset and fussy, it doesn’t overwhelm either of them. My thinking is that this will require the two of us sitting down together with our son (supervised or unsupervised) so that the father can see how our son is and I can see how the little guy reacts to him. He’s never seen him before, and for now, the father is a stranger to him. I feel (not that my feelings matter) that it would be a disservice to both he and our son to do it differently. I was simply suggesting that for the first visit or two, he and our son get comfortable with one another while I am present. Then after that, they can totally have their alone time without me interjecting or interfering, unless its regarding the safety and well-being of our son. But he feels that I should handover our son to him, period, no questions asked.

Lastly, what’s your take on the 50/50 joint legal and joint physical custody that he’s requesting? What’s the likelihood that he’ll get that approved, rather than having an hour or two of visitation periodically during the week while he's still young (6 months), and then working up to having the child sleepover on some weekends and spending special holidays, etc.? What's the likelihood that I'll get approved what I'm asking for; I'm requesting sole custody and that the non-custodial parent (the father) have visitation and that in the future, our son have weekend sleepovers and spend holidys with the father.


Side note: I'm moving from our county to the Bay Area once my job contract is over in two years.

Thank you

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In a situation like yours its very standard to start out with visitation in mom's presence. In fact, visits tend to go in phases. For the first few visits, supervised by mom. Next few visits, short visits outside the home. Next few visits, longer visits outside the home. Next few visits, include an overnight and so on.

A 50/50 timeshare would be very unlikely in a situation like yours.

Is this the same infant from prior posts? Where you say Dad HAS actually spent time with the child?

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If it is, I'm not entirely convinced ll's information is accurate. We seem to have a situation where Mom (and this is really nobody's fault) is unsure about several aspects...the father, his girlfriend, and the whole situation is a bit new and delicate.

With that in mind, and given this IS California, I'm nowhere near as comfortable stating that this is how things will go. If anything Mom needs to be prepared for something quite different

But hold please - I'm going to notify someone who knows California inside out and backwards.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Is this the same infant from prior posts? Where you say Dad HAS actually spent time with the child?

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If it is, I'm not entirely convinced ll's information is accurate. We seem to have a situation where Mom (and this is really nobody's fault) is unsure about several aspects...the father, his girlfriend, and the whole situation is a bit new and delicate.

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I just reviewed her posting history and the only time I saw that dad saw the child was during the first week of the child's life...which was about 7 months ago. I admit that I somewhat skimmed, but did I miss something?

No the dad has never spent time with the child.... only when he was first born but not even a significant time, he discontinued b/c his girlfriend began the "pity party" tears about it being inappropiate for him to be in my home with our then, newborn son. I've tried to take the child to him so he can see him but he's been unpleasent and he has asked us to leave b/c he wasnt interested. I've actually been the one asking for him to visit with our son so he could develop a bond but he simply hasn't cared to. I've tried keeping him updated about the child with reporting any developmental accomplishments, and sent him videos and pictures via email, and he either doesnt respond or has asked that I discontinue sending him pictures or reports. So I've stopped. That's why I'm a little miffed at him wanting 50/50 joint legal and joint physical custody (if the child was his) b/c I know its due to lowering the child support payments. I'm not sure where in my postings it says that the dad has seen our son but that's inaccurate.

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Quoting Needlegaladvice77

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No the dad has never spent time with the child.... only when he was first born but not even a significant time, he discontinued b/c his girlfriend began the "pity party" tears about it being inappropiate for him to be in my home with our then, newborn son. I've tried to take the child to him so he can see him but he's been unpleasent and he has asked us to leave b/c he wasnt interested. I've actually been the one asking for him to visit with our son so he could develop a bond but he simply hasn't cared to. I've tried keeping him updated about the child with reporting any developmental accomplishments, and sent him videos and pictures via email, and he either doesnt respond or has asked that I discontinue sending him pictures or reports. So I've stopped. That's why I'm a little miffed at him wanting 50/50 joint legal and joint physical custody (if the child was his) b/c I know its due to lowering the child support payments. I'm not sure where in my postings it says that the dad has seen our son but that's inaccurate.

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It comes down to credibility. If you state that he's never seen your son, that's obviously not true (because he has, per your own words here) . It might seem like nothing, but a strong attorney can turn things around making you the bad guy faster than you can blink.

See where I'm coming from?

Umm. He has not seen or been in the child's life. How do I have to spell that out to you????? I've never said otherwise. And I have the evidence through email and text message exchanges.

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Quoting Needlegaladvice77

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Umm. He has not seen or been in the child's life. How do I have to spell that out to you????? I've never said otherwise. And I have the evidence through email and text message exchanges.

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These weren't your words?

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My newborn's father has not seen his son in a couple of months. He only saw him a handful of times the first week of our son's life.

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Apparently you need a spell-checker. :cool:

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And the reason why this can be an issue, is because your word in court can help you succeed, and it can sink you.

If you're up against a demon of an attorney, you cannot afford to have your credibility called into question. You say "never", and that attorney is going to thrust a pile of Dad's evidence at the judge and follow it with, "Your Honor, this is clearly another attempt by the Mother to further alienate my client from the child".

You see how that goes? It doesn't matter whether or not you or I think it's a non-issue, a minor hiccup - what matters is that a judge you don't know and doesn't know you is only ever going to rely on two things.

1. Plain hard evidence
2. The presentation of the people in front of him.

If one of you is credible and the other isn't, that perception can stay with the judge for the entire lifetime of your custody matter. You could be the Virgin Mary and STILL be deemed untrustworthy. I know you're new to this, I know you probably think this is all pedantic nonsense, and I know that you truly do think that any reasonable person would clearly know what's black and what's white here.

And if that was the way it worked, we wouldn't be sitting here. Once again (you'll find that I do this from time to time), I'm bring up a male poster who we'll call spinny.

Unwed Dad, was basically primary caretaker until he got home from work one day to find Mom had up and left to another state, and had taken their child.

He was the harmed party (excluding the child), yes? Yes, he absolutely was. But he screwed up his case so monstrously that - after...I think we're going on 4 years after he initially filed - he STILL cannot see his child. Between then and now he has made some horrifying mistakes in court and again, he was the injured party. His visitation (when it was finally ordered) was perhaps the most restrictive parenting plan you would ever see, outside of those written when the parent has actually abused the child in question, is currently suspended pending another psych and substance abuse eval.

So after all of that, the point is, what you say and what you can prove are often two very, very different animals and you've gotta take that and make it your mantra.

No exaggerations, no slips of the tongue.

See where I'm coming from?

I see your point.

So changing the question .... Since i was told the father moved out of the town we live. What if the father lives in the same county but 30/45 mins away. What's the likelihood that I would get awarded sole custody and he get awarded visitation (while also taking into account the information I've provided about my situation)?

I think joint legal is not just likely, but more or less a given. That pertains only to decision-making though. Now given there's obvious disagreement between both parents, it's probably better that you get a court order giving one parent final say if you can't agree on the big stuff.

A true 50/50 timeshare with a very young child isn't generally going to be ordered unless you both actually agree to it first. It has happened in CA without that happening though, but I still do not believe it's at all common.

There's another thing you might want to think about while you're getting everything put together as a court order - communication. Obviously the girlfriend is going to be around, and for obvious reasons she might prefer to make herself the go-between. If this bothers you massively, you can request a "no third party interference" clause, but that quite honestly rarely ends up being a positive thing. Instead, check out Our Family Wizard. It's currently $99/person/year, but its priceless in help to preserve your sanity. The added bonus is that the court can access every communication between you.

Outside of that, I can't see a 50/50 timeshare being ordered. It's not completely unheard of but in my opinion it's about as sure as sure can be in this situation. The likely result will be you being the primary custodial parent and Dad being NCP.

Thank you! Thank you!!!!! Wow you just informed me about a clause I wasn't aware existed. I'll have to research how to word it so the girlfriends interference may hold dad in contempt. What kind of language is proper when writing out a no third party interference clause?

A poster from another forum suggested something along these lines:

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No Third Party Interference

Only "Mom's Name" and "Dad's Name" shall make any decisions regarding "children's names" education, day care, medical care, dental care, mental health care, orthodontic care, religious training and activities, participation in extracurricular activities, out-of-state travel, and other significant areas.

Third parties shall not attend the children's parent-teacher conferences, 504/IEP meetings, medical appointments, or other meetings that are designated as parent meetings with regard to the children.

Mom and Dad shall be listed as the only two contacts on all contact cards and emergency cards (school, day care, activities, etc). Neither parent will sign a Power of Attorney or give any similar permission for any third party to access educational, medical or other records regarding the children. Mom or Dad may give permission for a third party to provide transportation for the children on their parenting time. Third parties that attempt to pick up the children during the other parent's parenting time shall result in that third party being no longer be allowed to pick up the children from school or other activities.

Third parties may attend public events such as school plays, sporting games, dance recitals, etc. unless there is a restraining order in effect. If, at these public events, there is a part for the parents to participate, only Mom and Dad may do so.

No Third Party Interference applies to all third parties including ,but not limited to, current and future step-parents, grandparents, and other relatives.

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That's actually pretty well worded and it makes no mention of punishment, which is deliberate; when it comes down to it, a finding of contempt is always up to the court. Let them dish it out ;)

Thank you so much!!!!!! This is perfect!!!!! You've been tremendous help!!!!!! Thank you!!!

I juuuuuuust want to say one teeny little thing...

You've apparently become cannon fodder "down the street". I cannot speak for everyone, but there's no secret that the person in question will choose bullying and intimidation rather than...not.

Ignore her. Please.

:)

Is the father represented by an attorney?