How Likely is a Parent to Get Custody Following a Domestic Violence Incident

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Virginia

This is expanding on my Protection Order I have against my husband which includes the children (except for supervised visitation) for 1 year and also includes anger management course, child care course, and counseling/mental evaluation.

We have the custody hearing on June 9th. He has begged me to ask for Joint custody. I did not say I would.

I do not want him to have custody of the children. He does not have a GED or diploma, he has no idea what they like to eat, when they eat, how much they eat, how to comfort them when they are ill, who their doctor is, when their doctor appointments are, etc. He does not and has not been an active supporter in their care.

I have 2 associate's degrees, high school diploma, have had a job for 7 years, have the health insurance, do all the cooking/cleaning, bills, buying of their essentials, and take them to the doctor, always have. I think he has only done so twice, maybe three times ever. I was even responsible for sending out his NCO child support to his ex girlfriend whom he has a child with.

She is almost 4 years old and he has never went for custody or to get the child support C/O. I just find it spiteful that he wants custody of our children together but not the other child.

Thanks for any advice on this. I am still waiting to get in contact with the Local Legal Aid.

Our children together at 9 months and 2 years.

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Quoting catasaurusrex

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Virginia

This is expanding on my Protection Order I have against my husband which includes the children (except for supervised visitation) for 1 year and also includes anger management course, child care course, and counseling/mental evaluation.

We have the custody hearing on June 9th. He has begged me to ask for Joint custody. I did not say I would.

I do not want him to have custody of the children. He does not have a GED or diploma, he has no idea what they like to eat, when they eat, how much they eat, how to comfort them when they are ill, who their doctor is, when their doctor appointments are, etc. He does not and has not been an active supporter in their care.

I have 2 associate's degrees, high school diploma, have had a job for 7 years, have the health insurance, do all the cooking/cleaning, bills, buying of their essentials, and take them to the doctor, always have. I think he has only done so twice, maybe three times ever. I was even responsible for sending out his NCO child support to his ex girlfriend whom he has a child with.

She is almost 4 years old and he has never went for custody or to get the child support C/O. I just find it spiteful that he wants custody of our children together but not the other child.

Thanks for any advice on this. I am still waiting to get in contact with the Local Legal Aid.

Our children together at 9 months and 2 years.

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First, you need to understand what matters legally, and what does not. The fact that he does not have a GED or diploma and you have higher education is irrelevant. The fact that you provide for them and he does not is irrelevant.

What IS relevant is that you have been the children's primary caretaker, and the fact that a restraining order was issued that included the children, and left him with only supervised visitation.

Has he completely the anger management course, the child care course, and the counseling/mental evaluation?

Not at all and he should have dismissed the case for custody until he did. I won't be advising him on that though.

He just got issued the P.O. on 5/22 and he will not have completed anything by 6/9.

And how is educational not part of the custody case? From what I have read, the Judge and the Guardian ad Litem will decide based on ...education, health, emotional, etc. I believe they do take it into account.

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Quoting catasaurusrex

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Not at all and he should have dismissed the case for custody until he did. I won't be advising him on that though.

He just got issued the P.O. on 5/22 and he will not have completed anything by 6/9.

And how is educational not part of the custody case? From what I have read, the Judge and the Guardian ad Litem will decide based on ...education, health, emotional, etc. I believe they do take it into account.

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Now I am confused. If your children are an infant and toddler what does education have anything to do with custody at this point?

The VA Best Interests of the Child standards are as follows:

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20-124.3. Best interests of the child; visitation.

In determining best interests of a child for purposes of determining custody or visitation arrangements including any pendente lite orders pursuant to § 20-103, the court shall consider the following:

1. The age and physical and mental condition of the child, giving due consideration to the child's changing developmental needs;

2. The age and physical and mental condition of each parent;

3. The relationship existing between each parent and each child, giving due consideration to the positive involvement with the child's life, the ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the child;

4. The needs of the child, giving due consideration to other important relationships of the child, including but not limited to siblings, peers and extended family members;

5. The role that each parent has played and will play in the future, in the upbringing and care of the child;

6. The propensity of each parent to actively support the child's contact and relationship with the other parent, including whether a parent has unreasonably denied the other parent access to or visitation with the child;

7. The relative willingness and demonstrated ability of each parent to maintain a close and continuing relationship with the child, and the ability of each parent to cooperate in and resolve disputes regarding matters affecting the child;

8. The reasonable preference of the child, if the court deems the child to be of reasonable intelligence, understanding, age and experience to express such a preference;

9. Any history of family abuse as that term is defined in § 16.1-228 or sexual abuse. If the court finds such a history, the court may disregard the factors in subdivision 6; and

10. Such other factors as the court deems necessary and proper to the determination.

The judge shall communicate to the parties the basis of the decision either orally or in writing. Except in cases of consent orders for custody and visitation, this communication shall set forth the judge's findings regarding the relevant factors set forth in this section.

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Wait a minute...I think that you are misinterpreting something. Its not the PARENT'S education that matters, its the education needs of the children, which do not apply in your case as your children aren't anywhere near school age.

I am looking at: The relationship existing between each parent and each child, giving due consideration to the positive involvement with the child's life, the ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the child;

And it states, the 'ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the child' - someone who has not obtained their GED and who has had an unstable employment history would not be able to accurately access a child's intellectual needs. Or, their food, water, shelter, and clothing.

I know it has nothing to do with my actual education but it will have more pull on my actual ability to parent.

It too states the role the parent will play in upbringing. Obviously Mr. I gave up at 8th grade, have had 10 jobs in the past 7 years, and the lack of emotional connect to my baby girls, can't be the right parent. I want him to be there for them but even in marriage and a shared household that didn't happen.

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Quoting catasaurusrex

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I am looking at: The relationship existing between each parent and each child, giving due consideration to the positive involvement with the child's life, the ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the child;

And it states, the 'ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the child' - someone who has not obtained their GED and who has had an unstable employment history would not be able to accurately access a child's intellectual needs. Or, their food, water, shelter, and clothing.

I know it has nothing to do with my actual education but it will have more pull on my actual ability to parent.

It too states the role the parent will play in upbringing. Obviously Mr. I gave up at 8th grade, have had 10 jobs in the past 7 years, and the lack of emotional connect to my baby girls, can't be the right parent. I want him to be there for them but even in marriage and a shared household that didn't happen.

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My dad had no high school diploma or GED. He dropped out of high school in the 9th grade, to work and help out his poor immigrant parents. My mom had a high school diploma. My dad was a far better parent, and a much more positive influence in mine and my siblings lives than our mother ever was. Education alone does not make someone a good parent.

I find it interesting that you were ok with your ex's lack of education when you were making babies with him, but suddenly it's now a problem.

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Quoting catasaurusrex

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Obviously Mr. I gave up at 8th grade, have had 10 jobs in the past 7 years, and the lack of emotional connect to my baby girls, can't be the right parent.

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Funny enough, his 8th grade education and 10 jobs in 7 years didn't bother you one iota when you had kids with him 9 months and 2 years ago. At least with you telling the story, he's got a reason for being so unintelligent.

What's your excuse Ms. I'm so much better than him because I've got 2 associates degrees????

BTW... an associates degree is nothing but another high school diploma so all you're really saying is that you went to high school 3 times. Why didn't you turn either one of those associates into a Bachelor?

See why you shouldn't throw stones? You're probably ridiculously insulted at what I just said to you.

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Quoting catasaurusrex

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I am looking at: The relationship existing between each parent and each child, giving due consideration to the positive involvement with the child's life, the ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the child;

And it states, the 'ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the child' - someone who has not obtained their GED and who has had an unstable employment history would not be able to accurately access a child's intellectual needs. Or, their food, water, shelter, and clothing.

I know it has nothing to do with my actual education but it will have more pull on my actual ability to parent.

It too states the role the parent will play in upbringing. Obviously Mr. I gave up at 8th grade, have had 10 jobs in the past 7 years, and the lack of emotional connect to my baby girls, can't be the right parent. I want him to be there for them but even in marriage and a shared household that didn't happen.

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Ok...step back a minute.

First, a parent has the constitutional rights to the care and custody of their children. Because of that, a judge cannot make a decision based on a parent's educational level or ability to earn a living. That would be a violation of the parent's constitutional rights. Also, as another posted stated you not only chose to have one child with him, but TWO children. You knew all about his educational background and job history before you ever CHOSE to have children with him. You are only going to unnecessarily make yourself look bad in court if you harp on dad's lack of education and employment history in court. On top of that, you flat out DO NOT NEED TO EVEN ADDRESS IT.

Dad has a protective order against him, that includes the children, that limits him to supervised visitation, and requires him to jump through all kinds of hoops. Unless you roll over and play dead at the upcoming hearing he has absolutely no chance of getting joint custody at this time. Why else would he violate the protective order by contacting you to beg you to agree to joint custody?

His lack of emotional connection to the children matters. The protective order and everything that goes with that matters. The fact that you have been the children's primary caregiver matters. His lack of education and spotty job history is completely irrelevant. Stop focusing on what does not matter and start focusing on what does.

Y'know, I've heard that (and said it myself) very often over the years but the more I actually read, the less I am convinced that a parent's choice in partner is their own darned fault from the get-go.

People do change. People can, quite literally, go from merry to melancholy and madness in the time it takes to get that ring on the finger. History time and time again proves this.

It's one thing if you know your boyfriend is a psychopath and have kids with him anyway. It's another thing entirely if you marry Perfectly Normal Pete and wake up one day to find him baking kittens in the microwave.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Y'know, I've heard that (and said it myself) very often over the years but the more I actually read, the less I am convinced that a parent's choice in partner is their own darned fault from the get-go.

People do change. People can, quite literally, go from merry to melancholy and madness in the time it takes to get that ring on the finger. History time and time again proves this.

It's one thing if you know your boyfriend is a psychopath and have kids with him anyway. It's another thing entirely if you marry Perfectly Normal Pete and wake up one day to find him baking kittens in the microwave.

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You are absolutely right, I do not disagree one bit. However in this instance I think it means that you and I actually agree with each other rather than disagree.

I am focusing on what is going on NOW. Mom is focusing on dad's past.

Because she's likely terrified, yep. I understand that - for whatever reason - the facts have been presented in a somewhat less-than-sympathetic manner, but given the circumstances I'd be pretty terrified too.

Most of the time, kids need - as in NEED - both parents in their lives. On those rare occasions though, it's not necessarily a good thing at all.

(you and I actually agree with each other more often than not ;) )

I'm reminded of Paula Rader (who was married to the BTK Killer). Poor woman didn't have a bloody clue, by all accounts. They were married for over 30 years before he was arrested.

Imagine waking up to THAT headline !

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Because she's likely terrified, yep. I understand that - for whatever reason - the facts have been presented in a somewhat less-than-sympathetic manner, but given the circumstances I'd be pretty terrified too.

Most of the time, kids need - as in NEED - both parents in their lives. On those rare occasions though, it's not necessarily a good thing at all.

(you and I actually agree with each other more often than not ;) )

I'm reminded of Paula Rader (who was married to the BTK Killer). Poor woman didn't have a bloody clue, by all accounts. They were married for over 30 years before he was arrested.

Imagine waking up to THAT headline !

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It makes me shiver to even attempt to imagine what that would be like.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Y'know, I've heard that (and said it myself) very often over the years but the more I actually read, the less I am convinced that a parent's choice in partner is their own darned fault from the get-go.

People do change. People can, quite literally, go from merry to melancholy and madness in the time it takes to get that ring on the finger. History time and time again proves this.

It's one thing if you know your boyfriend is a psychopath and have kids with him anyway. It's another thing entirely if you marry Perfectly Normal Pete and wake up one day to find him baking kittens in the microwave.

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This more so hits it on the nail... before going and getting judgmental as most are towards my value of education. Here's some answers..
Why didn't I get a Bachelor's? I was pregnant with 2 kids and the government cuts the cap off for financial assistance at $50,000 for a Bachelor's. I am applying for Scholarships to get a Nursing degree at the level of a Bachelors.

My husband, when I met him, was NOT abusive. He was by far one of the most hard-working, loving men I had ever met. Hence why I met him and had children with him. Once he got "forced to resign" from his state job, he flipped a switch. Yes, he has always had a little temper but that was it, he was just very stern about his opinion. But once that switch flipped, he would yell every day, scream at the children, scream at me, call me every second of every hour to see what I was doing, accuse me of cheating, ask me when I'd be home from class to watch the kids, at 10:00 at night, what's for dinner, even though he had the ability to cook himself. He literally became mr. Go-Getter to mr. Idgaf. And I don't know why. I've tried to come up with reason but I do not know what I did.

I attack his education because he attacks mine. He told me that I was stupid for going to college and it was a waste of my time. I asked him to go to counseling I believe 10 total times, last time being 2 weeks before he assaulted me I gave him an ultimatum that if he didn't go to counseling I would leave. I don't usually go back on my word.

He hasn't been there for his kids at ALL. He will say he has financially but that's about as far as his caring goes. He thinks he can just pay off the women in his life to take care of his children including his ex. To add, he was also just an audience for the birth of his children. He honestly didn't seem to give a crap because he had "been through it before with his ex".

There were subtle clues that he was an abuser but I didn't get a lot of these clues until my second pregnancy. My first pregnancy, he would help me with our first daughter and he would spend time with her, read to her, and love her. Once I became pregnant again is when I can say things started really spiraling. We had two major arguments that resulted in me calling the police way before my second daughter was born however, so I think I was just being stupidly blind and trying to make an excuse of my life that I was in fact not in an abusive relationship. But, my eyes are wide open now and I can't believe I let myself and my children sit in that misery as long as I did.

I shouldn't have procreated with this man but that's done now and my children will grow up to be beautiful confident young women with an education. Will they make the mistake that I did? Maybe. I just hope not.