Late Notice of Summer Vacation Dates, Threat of Legal Action if Denied
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Alaska
Non custodial parent moved out of state.
I apologize that this post is so long. I left a lot out and could not figure out what else to cut.
The condensed version of the issue: Dad did not give notice of summer visitation by April 1, as required by custody order. Dad notified Mom via text on 20 April that "I want the kids for the summer. The last few days are early release so I'd like to pick them up on the 20th. Mom agreed to work something out with Dad. Dad scheduled time outside of what Mom agreed. Dad threatened to that he had the means to throw every lawyer he could find to throw at Mom's fat a*& if she did not give him exactly what he wanted.
Custody order states " Dad shall have summer visits of 6 weeks to begin no earlier than one week after school is out and to end at least one week before school begins. No later than April 1 each year Dad shall notify the other parent of the dates of the summer visitation and what the transportation arrangements will be." Then the order continues on to read:
"Failure to Give Notice/Loss of Summer Visit: The parent who is entitled to the summer visitation has the duty to notify the other parent of their intention to have the child(ren) for summer visitation by the date we agreed to above. If the parent has not given notice of their intention to exercise summer visitation, the parent the child(ren) are with may assume there shall be no summer visit and make other plans with the child(ren) and the non-custodial parent will have given up their right to have visitation with the child(ren) that summer although the parents may later agree to allow the visitation."
Email (And 1 initial text) history leading up to this point:
20 April: Mom emailed Dad and told him he had forfeited his time and she had made plans for the summer. Mom stated she is willing to rearrange some of her schedule and told Dad she could make the kids available from 2 June until 11 July; or from 1 August to 15 August. Mom states she will is not willing to remove kids from school early.
(Dad has a very long history of not showing up when he says he is going to be there. Christmas 2013 Dad showed up to take the kids for Christmas vacation. Mom agreed to allow them to leave school two days early to accommodate cheaper tickets for Dad. Dad stayed in a local hotel for four days, then brought the children back on Christmas Eve because he said he could not afford their plane tickets.)
Mom also told Dad that in order to make this summer visit work she would need the dates he was planning to take them, proof of the airfare, and a signed agreement stating that should he not come get them he would pay the extra fees associated with the childcare.
(The children's childcare is in very high demand. Mom was told summer contracts were available to sign on a first come first serve basis starting April 23rd. Daycare would move from the contracted rate of 150 per week for both children to having to move them to a completely different daycare that would cost about 300 per week should Dad not pick them up.)
Mom scheduled the entire month of July off to spend with the two children as well as several other summer activities. These emails are all condensed; there is much more to the completed emails:
22 April: Dad replies: Tells Mom she is not an attorney. States Mom is using children as a tool to have control over him. Dad states he assumes Mom is saying he needed to supply written notification, and that he is not required to do so. He stated that Mom had "due notice of visitation through conversations starting in October and continuing through Christmas. If need be (the children) would confirm to the courts that they were (excited to go visit Dad.)" Dad also states that Mom had failed to follow the child custody decree because she had not provided him with a school schedule and clearly marked it with his vacation times; to include summer." Dad states that Mom is attempting to create a situation where Dad cannot take advantage of "court ordered time" with his children. (Mom cannot mark summer because Dad has to pick the six weeks he wants by 1 April, the schedule is due by 1 March.)
Dad continues on to state that his work schedule and ability to purchase the "very expensive tickets" is contingent upon Mom's legal obligation to provide the children's school schedule. Dad states that Mom has no legal right to ask for proof of tickets or a signed agreement. Dad states that Mom's childcare contracts have no impact on his visitation or financial obligations. Dad states he will not buy any plane tickets until it is resolved. He then states he will pick the children up sometime between 1 June and 7 June and return them sometime between 13 July and 19 July. The more decisions are delayed the further back he will push the dates.
26 April: Mom Replies: Explains that her requests are not related to trying to be in control. Mom states she would simply like to know when Dad is planning to get the children and when he plans to drop them off. Mom inquires as to whether or not the last address Dad had written on the box that came for the children (After Christmas, Dad started sending the children stuff in the mail and Mom saw a new address in April.) was Dad's new address?
Mom stated that no she did not send the schedule certified mail, but that Dad obviously had it because he knew when the children were getting out of school per his April 20 text. Mom states that providing dates is a requirement of the divorce decree. Mom states that she is always has to have a backup plan because Dad doesn't usually follow through with his planned visits.
Mom tells Dad that she now has until 9 May to sign the daycare contract. (It is first come first serve, but she can back out of the contract still.) Mom states she is still willing to work with Dad but that he should be ashamed of himself for threatening to put (six and eight) his children on the stand and will stop it immediately.
6 May: Dad Replies: Dad states he has purchased tickets and will be there at 10PM 30 May to get the children.
10 May: Mom Replies: Tells Dad he has still not provided proof of tickets or a return date. Mom states that she gave Dad dates between 2 June and 11 July so that the children could still see him. Mom asks Dad to please send ticket information that falls within the dates that she has provided. Mom states that she still has plans that need to be moved around to accommodate this.
Mom then asks Dad if he has a preference for days and times the children call him. She states that Dad doesn't call unless he is returning the children's phone calls and she would like to work out new times if it would help him; and Mom can help the children call. (At this time the children call when they want to. On Christmas the children did not want to call Dad, but Mom made them.)
Mom asks Dad to please start following the divorce decree so that things will be easier in the future. (Dad usually does not follow the decree and is consistently requesting accommodations. Dad usually fails to notify Mom of visits in a timely manner when he does show up. Dad usually does not show up most of the time when he says he will be there.) Mom proceeds to send Dad photo and video of the children.
10 May Dad Replies: Dad states he just sent Mom an email stating when he will be picking up the kids and proceeds to forward his last email to Mom.
10 May: Mom Replies: Mom states that Mom was replying to said email and that the dates he purchased the tickets do not fit into what Mom agreed to. (Mom has already made plans that include a ten hour drive out of town for the weekend.) Mom tells Dad he should not have purchased a ticket without discussing it, especially since it was not within the given dates. Mom also tells Dad that he has still not provided a return date. Mom also asks Dad again for his current address. Mom states that if Dad does not provide proof of airfare and dates she will assume Dad is not coming to get the children. (Mom has removed her request for a written agreement to make it easier for Dad, with the hopes that the children will be able to have a relationship with him.)
10 May: Dad Replies: Dad states he made Mom aware during Christmas and in conversations afterward that he was going to be getting the children for the summer (Mom honestly cannot remember Dad saying this to her. Mom only remembers that she told Dad she would give up her Spring Break because his Christmas did not work out and she wanted the kids to be able to spend time with him. Dad told the kids he was coming for Spring Break several times and did not show up.)
Dad tells Mom that her "failure to deliver the school schedule to him does not constitute failure or forfeiture on his behalf." He states Mom is "hypocritical and irresponsible to mandate court compliance while ignoring it as she pleases." (Mom remembers sending a copy of the schedule with Spring Break being the only thing highlighted. Mom maintains her own copy. Mom also wonders if it went to the wrong address because Dad still has not responded to her questioning about his address.)
Dad states he purchased the tickets on 28 April. He states he has given Mom sufficient notification and time. Dad states that the court order only states that his visitation rights begin no earlier than the last day of school. (Mom is wondering if Dad is looking at the wrong decree; as hers clearly states otherwise.) Dad then states "the children will be back on 10 July which meets court requirements."
Dad states that Mom's negative statements about failure on his part is grossly fictitious. Dad states that Mom has failed to provide updates on the children's health, education, problems, achievements, photos, phone calls, emails, schedules, and the list goes on and on.
(Mom admits that there will always be room for improvement in this area. Dad has shown no interest in his children until December 2013 when Dad showed up and the six year old was calling Mom's fiance of three years Daddy. Mom never coerced this and only allowed it to play out as the child saw fit. After a couple of years the child started shyly referring to Mom's fiance as Daddy. Mom allowed this as the child found this as a stable and reassuring thing. Mom's fiance does everything for the children that a father would do. Picks up and drops off at school, takes care of Mom has to work late or on a weekend, teaches how to swim, tie shoes, helps with homework, tucks into bed every night, learn to ride a bike, etc...) The child got in trouble several times and his sister told Mom that he was crying because he kept getting in trouble for referring to Mom's fiance as "Daddy."
Dad threatened to snap Mom's fiances neck December 24 2013 when he returned the children. Dad stated "You guys are dong a great job with the kids. I have no complaints, except that (six year old) cannot call your fiance Daddy until you are married. Mom's fiance tried to stay out of the conversation. Dad kept telling him he needed to join them in the living room and be a part of the conversation as it concerned him as well. Finally Mom's fiance had enough and told Dad that he was more of a Father to the child than Dad was and that he should allow (six year old) to make his own decision. Dad stated that would be like allowing the six year old to decide if he wanted to be gay, that a six year old could not make such a decision.
Dad would not leave the house and then stated he was taking the children because it was a hostile environment. Mom had to physically block Dad from going up the stairs and taking the children. Fiance at that point stated he had asked Dad to leave several times and now that Mom was physically keeping him away from the children he would use whatever force necessary and that (quoting the Alaska Statute) stated he had the right to use a weapon if Dad would not leave the premises. Dad leaves saying he is going to call the police. Dad sits in the driveway on the phone. The police never show up.
May 10 (continued): Dad continues on to say that Mom has actively tried to make his relationship with the children difficult. He states that Mom has taught them to call her fiance Daddy. (The children sometimes refer to Dad with his name rather than call him Dad. Mom corrects this, but the children do say it sometimes.)
Dad states that Mom does not return phone calls or emails (Mom has a call history for her phone. This history will show that Dad does not have a history of calling the children regularly. Dad has never once emailed the children.)
Dad tells Mom that they are his kids and Mom will not determine when or how he decides to visit them. He tells Mom she is mandated by law to abide by the court order which states what is best for the children, not what is best for her. Dad tells Mom she is illegally creating rules and ultimatums. (Mom believes that because Dad has forfeited she can request proof of plane tickets in order to come to a new arrangement."
Dad finishes to say: "I promise you two things: 1) If you make this work 1 June to 10 July we will be on a good start for an amicable relationship for the kids benefit. If you continue to make this difficult and deny my rights to see my kids this summer, I will give your fat a&* a legal workout with every lawyer I can find. These are MY kids too and I have the resources to make sure they know their Dad. I am giving you until Tuesday May 13th at 2pm Alaska time to tell me if you are going to comply with my visit and departure of 1 June and their return on 10 July."
So here I am. I have plans the weekend Dad has scheduled his tickets. There is a part of me that believes I should rearrange to accommodate Dad so that the children may have their visit. It is what is best for them, right?
Mom is afraid that 1) Dad has the financial ability to drag her to court and she cannot afford a long drawn out court battle 2) that Dad would harm her or hire someone to if she does not comply. Dad was very volatile during the marriage. There were instances of physical abuse, but Mom never reported it to the police or the courts at the time of the divorce. Mom remembers vividly being choked in the living room one day.
Mom also worries about the children. Here are a few reasons why: Mom remembers a day when the baby would not stop crying Dad told her to take the baby because he wanted to throw it against the wall. Dad never harmed the children. If Mom ever talked about the baby when she was pregnant Dad would get very mad. Mom refused to have an abortion. Mom had to have surgery when baby # 1 was a year old and she was pregnant with baby # 2. Mom was on Vicodin at home. Dad refused to stay home that night and told Mom to keep the (almost two year old) on the bed because he was gong out to play poker. Dad could not change diapers because he said it would make him throw up.
At this point, I just do not know what the right thing to do is. It is hard to tell where the lines of what is best for the children and what I think is best for the children are blurred. I would be very appreciative of an objective answer. I just want to do what is best for them.I do not have money for a lawyer and I know I stand to lose a lot if he takes me to court and I am not represented. I have heard terrible stories of situations just like that.
I apologize for the length of this posting. I just wasn't sure what information was not relative to the implied threat of taking my children away from me because he has more money than I do.
I assume that instances of loss of temper and abuse should not be brought up in court now?
Does he have any legal standing here?
Should I continue to rearrange for the sake of the children?
If I give him what he wants now, what is going to stop him from giving me last minute notice all of the time? At what point to I put my foot down and stop saying it is in the best interest of the children? It is making it difficult and I have to have a backup plan every time he is going to take the children. I cannot plan anything because he usually does not show up.
What can I do to help my poor six year old? His heart is being broken whenever he gets in trouble for calling my fiance Daddy. What is gong to happen to my poor little boy over a six week period? It breaks my heart that his is being broken. When he is on the phone with Dad he talks about my fiance as Daddy and then he has to correct himself because he gets reprimanded over the phone. He is very confused and does not deserve this.
Thank You
Re: Late Notice of Summer Vacation Dates, Threat of Legal Action
Who are you? You speak of mom in the third person, then add "I have plans the weekend Dad has scheduled his tickets." Are you in fact mom? What are your plans?
Re: Late Notice of Summer Vacation Dates, Threat of Legal Action
I am Mom. I was trying to tell everything objectively. We are planning to visit the children's Aunt, Uncle, and cousin who moved away about a year ago. We have planned a road trip with them that ends with everyone getting back to our house the night of the first.
Re: Late Notice of Summer Vacation Dates, Threat of Legal Action
That you think it is more important for the children to see their aunt, uncle and cousin rather than their father is very telling about you. If they wanted to see the children, they could come to your home at a time convenient to their father.
You stated you allow the children to call your fiance "Daddy"; SHAME ON YOU. Any distress you child feels because of this is the fault of you and your fiance not the child's father. To now use this as an excuse as to why the child should not visit his father is disgusting. You created the problem, now you can fix it.
You are also overly dramatic and self-congratulatory; I doubt he is as bad or you as perfect as you claim. This is not in the children's best interests. You both may have the right to be angry with the other, but your attitude is reprehensible. From your posting, I can certainly understand why the father does not want to work with you; you want it your way while proclaiming how willing you are to work with him.
You and your fiance need to get an attorney - and counseling - to help you decide how you want to proceed. While in some cases you may be legally right, you are morally wrong, IMO. If it goes before the judge, I hope the child's father brings up the "Daddy" issue so the judge can see your true colors.
Re: Late Notice of Summer Vacation Dates, Threat of Legal Action if Denied
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Quoting
dorightbythem
The condensed version of the issue: Dad did not give notice of summer visitation by April 1, as required by custody order. Dad notified Mom via text on 20 April that "I want the kids for the summer. The last few days are early release so I'd like to pick them up on the 20th.
You have been divorced for three years, and this is the first time late notice has been an issue? If not, what happened during prior summers?
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Quoting dorightbythem
Mom agreed to work something out with Dad. Dad scheduled time outside of what Mom agreed.
An agreement is bilateral. You are not describing an agreement.
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Quoting dorightbythem
20 April: Mom emailed Dad and told him he had forfeited his time and she had made plans for the summer. Mom stated she is willing to rearrange some of her schedule and told Dad she could make the kids available from 2 June until 11 July; or from 1 August to 15 August. Mom states she will is not willing to remove kids from school early.
That was your first communication with dad about vacation dates? Dad texted you with his dates, and you replied by email telling him that you would not consider his dates but that he could pick from a narrow range of dates defined by you?
You tell us that dad has expressed, "If you make this work 1 June to 10 July we will be on a good start for an amicable relationship", which is to say he is agreeing to your range of dates except for suggesting that visitation should start on June 1 instead of June 2 and end on July 10 instead of July 11. What is happening on June 1 that made that counter-proposal unworkable?
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Quoting dorightbythem
(Dad has a very long history of not showing up when he says he is going to be there. Christmas 2013 Dad showed up....
An example of dad showing up for visitation is not a good example of a long history of his not showing up.
If dad can't afford plane tickets for a Christmas trip, odds are he can't afford a custody fight.
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Quoting dorightbythem
Mom also told Dad that in order to make this summer visit work she would need the dates he was planning to take them, proof of the airfare, and a signed agreement stating that should he not come get them he would pay the extra fees associated with the childcare.
It can be reasonably predicted that, if this goes to court, dad is going to argue that your additional demands were made to create conflict and undermine his parenting time, and are not supported by anything included in or authorized by the court order.
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Quoting dorightbythem
He stated that Mom had "due notice of visitation through conversations starting in October and continuing through Christmas.
You suggest later in your post that you don't recall discussing vacation dates. But if you did discuss vacation dates, the provisions of the court order you quoted don't require an additional written notice. Frankly, discussion and agreement are the way to go, and I would expect that you would not have been happy with an April 1 letter in which dad unilaterally declared his schedule without regard to your needs or plans.
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Quoting dorightbythem
Mom stated that no she did not send the schedule certified mail...
Depending on the full context of the court order, his obligation to give dates by April 1 may be implicitly or explicitly dependent upon your compliance with a court-ordered duty to provide that calendar.
I expect that your court order includes a provision that dad must keep the court appraised of his current address. If he's not in compliance with that provision, you can seek a remedy through the court.
You have his email address and phone number, so you can always send him a second copy of documents such as the visitation schedule by email and, however you send it, you can text or phone him to confirm that he received it.
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Quoting dorightbythem
Mom states that she is always has to have a backup plan because Dad doesn't usually follow through with his planned visits.
Perhaps what you need to do, then, is petition to amend the custody order to follow a fixed, predictable parenting time schedule in the summer unless a different agreement is entered into in writing, signed by both you and your ex-. Perhaps you need some sort of forfeiture clause pertaining to those occasions when dad doesn't follow through with his scheduled visits.
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Quoting dorightbythem
Mom states that Mom was replying to said email and that the dates he purchased the tickets do not fit into what Mom agreed to.
I'm not clear on why you cannot be flexible with the dates, particularly given that the difference between your offer and dad's request appears to be a single day. If it's daycare, but you've planned a road trip, then the kids are already out of daycare. If it's daycare, but you're taking the kids out of daycare for the entire month of July, then it can't be daycare during the month of July. If it's the road trip, then it's not daycare.
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Quoting dorightbythem
Dad has shown no interest in his children until December 2013 when Dad showed up and the six year old was calling Mom's fiance of three years Daddy. Mom never coerced this and only allowed it to play out as the child saw fit.
If dad was showing no interest in the kids for a three year period, then there should not be a three year history of visitation problems and inconsistency, as dad will have been seeing his kids only over the past five months.
I'm not going to pull the "shame on you" nonsense from above, but I do think that it's a mistake to have kids call a new boyfriend or fiancé "daddy", as by nature a dating or engagement relationship is non-permanent. In terms of what evolves after marriage, that's going to depend upon the child, the child's relationship with the parent and stepparent, and any issues that could arise with the other parent. You know your ex-, and thus you should have had a pretty good idea of how he would react when learning that the six-year-old was calling your fiancé "daddy". That's something to consider from the outset - it's best if both parents allow the child to operate within his or her level of comfort, but it can be a lot better to guide the child to use a different label for a partner in a non-marital relationship or if you know the other parent is going to fly off the handle and potentially direct a lot of negativity at the child. Part of your job as a parent is to protect the child from this sort of outcome.
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Quoting dorightbythem
Dad threatened to snap Mom's fiances neck December 24 2013 when he returned the children. Dad stated "You guys are dong a great job with the kids. I have no complaints, except that (six year old) cannot call your fiance Daddy until you are married."
In other words, dad was being reasonable, and he started out being very supportive and complimentary of you and your fiancé. He is taking the position that until you and your fiancé decide to go from a dating relationship to marriage, your son should call your fiancé something other than "daddy", and that he'll be find with the label "daddy" after you get married.
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Quoting dorightbythem
Dad would not leave the house and then stated he was taking the children because it was a hostile environment. Mom had to physically block Dad from going up the stairs and taking the children.
Is the problem that he brought the kids back early, or is it that he wanted to take them for a longer visit?
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Quoting dorightbythem
Fiance at that point stated he had asked Dad to leave several times and now that Mom was physically keeping him away from the children he would use whatever force necessary and that (quoting the Alaska Statute) stated he had the right to use a weapon if Dad would not leave the premises.
You complain about dad's angry words, as directed to your fiancé, but have no problem with your fiancé escalating the conflict to the point that he's threatening to shoot your ex- with the children right there in the house?
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Quoting dorightbythem
He tells Mom she is mandated by law to abide by the court order which states what is best for the children, not what is best for her.
Do you disagree?
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Quoting dorightbythem
Dad tells Mom she is illegally creating rules and ultimatums. (Mom believes that because Dad has forfeited she can request proof of plane tickets in order to come to a new arrangement."
So you agree with him, but you think you have the right to impose new rules and ultimatums.
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Quoting dorightbythem
Mom remembers a day when the baby would not stop crying Dad told her to take the baby because he wanted to throw it against the wall. Dad never harmed the children.
If you thought that was an issue, you should have raised it at the time of the divorce and entry of the custody order. A single incident, very remote in time, and that you didn't thing was important enough to introduce at the time of your divorce, isn't going to do much for you in court.
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Quoting dorightbythem
If Mom ever talked about the baby when she was pregnant Dad would get very mad. Mom refused to have an abortion. Mom had to have surgery when baby # 1 was a year old and she was pregnant with baby # 2. Mom was on Vicodin at home. Dad refused to stay home that night and told Mom to keep the (almost two year old) on the bed because he was gong out to play poker. Dad could not change diapers because he said it would make him throw up.
All of which leaves us unsurprised that you're divorced, but has absolutely nothing to do with the present situation.
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Quoting dorightbythem
At this point, I just do not know what the right thing to do is....
If I give him what he wants now, what is going to stop him from giving me last minute notice all of the time?
If in fact the only reason that you can't agree to summer visitation is that he wants the visit to start on June 1, and you say "No earlier than June 2", it's difficult to see why you haven't been able to work this out amicably. That's not a huge demand.
If you in fact have no problem with the scheduled dates, but won't allow visitation unless he agrees to your litany of new demands, then you're picking a battle you won't win in court. If you believe that the order needs to be amended, petition the court to amend the order. If you're not prepared to do that, the court will expect you to follow the order.
You could have prevented this from becoming an issue by sending your ex- a reminder, in March, "Remember, I need your summer vacation dates by April 1", and if necessary by letting him know on April 2, "I'm still willing to be flexible, but the April 1 deadline has passed and I'm now making my own vacation plans." If you prefer to play hardball, attempting to impose forfeiture of summer visitation, I would suggest having the court order and facts reviewed by a custody lawyer to make sure that you're fully compliant, and for a sense of what the custody court would do if your ex- were to bring a motion to obtain summer parenting time despite the late notice and/or to strike or amend that portion of the order.
You have the right to tell your ex-, "Your visitation isn't over, so you need to care for the kids until your visitation is over." If you choose to let him end visitation early, one of the consequences of that choice will be that you may need to make child care arrangements. I understand that this puts you in an awkward position, but divorce isn't often easy.