Limited Visitation After an Interstate Relocation

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California
My ex filed for divorce seven years ago. Until 18 months ago, we shared custody and things were fairly normal. Two years ago, my ex remarried and accepted a job in Illinois. The job was a necessary career move for him and increased his income, so I can understand the reasons behind moving professionally. However, my, then 7 y.o., was told about the move before I was and my ex accepted the position without discussing custody with me first. He filed a move away petition and since I couldn't afford the $7,500 cost to fight it, I instead agreed to the move away so long as the visitation was very generous and contact was guaranteed. My ex makes eight times the money I make and outside of the courtroom told me I made a good choice to allow the move away because he was prepared to "spend whatever it took".


The court order reads as follows:
"Summer...The respondent (mother) shall have custody of the minor children from the day after school recesses until ten days prior to the first day of school. Plaintiff (father) shall pay for the children's travel.
With regard to spring break, every year, the respondent shall have the minor children from the day after school recesses until the Sunday evening before school resumes.
Christmas: in even numbered years, the children shall be with respondent from the morning of December 26 until the morning of the day before school resumes. In odd years, the children shall be with the respondent from the morning after school recesses until the day before school resumes."
Thanksgiving is alternate years. My ex pays for all travel except for Thanksgiving. Also...
"Should the respondent wish this travel to Illinois for extra visitation at her own expense, she shall give the Petitioner 30 days notice. This visitation should be given priority."
Extracurricular: "Scheduling of all extracurricular activities for children shall be made jointly by respondent and petitioner." This was added because my ex would purposefully schedule or enroll the kids in activities that interfered with my custody.
Regarding communication: "At all times, the non-custodial parent shall have the right to telephone or Skype with the children on Mondays, Wednesday's, and Fridays at 5pm Pacific Time. Each party will cooperate and establish Skype accounts . If the child or children are unavailable at the court appointed time, the custodial parent shall set up and advise the noncustodial parent of an alternate time. Additionally, all of the children shall have the right to call or Skype the noncustodial parent at any time. Neither parent shall block calls or texts from the other party. "

Now that I have given you the order details, here is my problem.
Since they moved to Illinois in August of 2012, I have only been permitted one Skype conversation. That took place two days after they arrived in Illinois. I log on every appointed night and call four times a week, my calls go straight to voicemail and the children do not receive my messages. In total, my calls have only been returned five times since 08/12. Every visit has been manipulated by my ex husband. I scheduled a visit in October of 2012, giving my ex 45 days notice, and was told that the kids were going out of town and would not be available. I had to reschedule for a shorter weekend. My children were supposed to be enrolled in public schools- without telling me, my ex enrolled them in parochial schools. I only found out when I called the public school to introduce myself to their would be teachers and discovered they were not enrolled. My daughter confirmed it later that day by telling me they were starting school three days earlier than public school. I am not Catholic and have alternative beliefs. Prior to the divorce, our children were raised agnostic. Later, my ex had both kids take communion without my knowledge or consent. He told the school and the church that I was not to be spoken to without the calls being recorded because I am, according to him, a crazy, drug addict. That following Christmas, the ex flew into town with the kids and threatened to retrieve them every evening at 6pm because I was temporarily staying in a hotel due to a roofing issue. The police got involved and resolved the issue, but it started our holiday off on the wrong foot. The following Spring Break, I flew to Illinois and spent several hours trying to find out where one of where one of my children was upon their return from an extracurricular trip. My ex had picked up the child and didn't inform me until the next day, at which point the child was exchanged. That summer, one of the teens got a job, without a word from dad to me, meaning he wouldn't come to me for the summer. I compromised with the child and got a small apartment for the summer. After driving there and settig up a temporary home, the ex and son inform me that son wants to stay with dad and work and have his own room and all of those thing s teen boys want. I understand it, but my ex should have communicated with me and supported my position as his mother. This Christmas, two of the three children arrived at the airport three days late because their dad wanted a "family.Christmas". Again, my teen son did not come. Ex didn't buy him a ticket. When I called the police to enforce the order, they went to ex's house and made a report, but obviously couldn't force son to come to California and ex claimed there were no plane tickets available at that point. Between Christmas and Spring Break, I only got to talk to my kids once. I have sent packages and letters which the little kids claimed they never received or they were not allows to have the things I sent. The most recent spring break was even more daring on his part. For seven weeks in advance, I sent emails and called requesting their travel itinerary. No response. The night before they were supposed to arrive, the ex sent me an email stating that only two were coming and their step mom was coming with them so I would not be permitted to pick them up at the airport. Since I didn't know which airport or what airline they were on, I had to wait and pick them up at 2:00am, in a dark parking lot, because their step moms lost bag resulted in a five hour delay. I had a room booked previously in the city where they landed and could have picked them up when the plane landed and got them to bed at a reasonable hour. My visitation was shortened by two days because of his travel arrangements. I was ordered to return them to the parking lost at 6am the following Sunday so step mom and her family could take them to the airport. Teen son didn't come because he had "summer job orientation" one day. The first officer I spoke with said that ex was in contempt. The officer I spoke to on day two stated that there wasn't much they could do since son is 17.
Well, here we are now. I contacted ex a month ago stating that I was flying in for teen sins graduation. He responded, by email, by saying that his extended family made plans to be with son during grad weekend two years ago and I was out of luck. He magnanimously conceded that I was "welcome" to go to the ceremony and join the celebrity ration, but refuses to tell me what the plans are and refuses to allow any visitation beyond that. I am at the end of my rope. I miss my children deeply. I have been cut out of their lives and the court order seems like a cruel joke since ex won't abide by it. I have contacted several attorneys who all demand outrageous fees. The court won't give advice except to say that "it's berry hard to prove contempt without a lawyer". I feel like kids are being legally kidnapped and the law doesn't care one bit if there's cool money in it for them. What else can I do?

Unfortunately the wording of your order is somewhat ambiguous.

From hereon out though, the next time you attempt to see the children and your attempt is thwarted, get right on it. In the meantime, ask the court to modify the order and have it on paper that communication is done via Family Wizard - it's $99/person/year, but it can be a huge help. The court can access the communications, and it'll give you solid proof.

Can you tell me what part of the order is ambiguous?

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Unfortunately the wording of your order is somewhat ambiguous.

From hereon out though, the next time you attempt to see the children and your attempt is thwarted, get right on it. In the meantime, ask the court to modify the order and have it on paper that communication is done via Family Wizard - it's $99/person/year, but it can be a huge help. The court can access the communications, and it'll give you solid proof.

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I'm not sure if you checked back to see my question?
I have been told that our order is fairly specific as far as orders go. What parts do you find "ambiguous"? The order states times and dates for conversation/contact and he is not following or allowing those orders. What would the next step of "getting on it" be? We already use the site you suggested. All that does is keep the emails and schedules from the court, which he disregards with no consequences.

Why yes, yes I did. Being impatient won't help you - even I have to sleep at night :cool:

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"Summer...The respondent (mother) shall have custody of the minor children from the day after school recesses until ten days prior to the first day of school. Plaintiff (father) shall pay for the children's travel.

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Who picks up and drops off? At which times?

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With regard to spring break, every year, the respondent shall have the minor children from the day after school recesses until the Sunday evening before school resumes.

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At which times? Pick up and drop off?

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Christmas: in even numbered years, the children shall be with respondent from the morning of December 26 until the morning of the day before school resumes. In odd years, the children shall be with the respondent from the morning after school recesses until the day before school resumes."

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Ditto.

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Thanksgiving is alternate years. My ex pays for all travel except for Thanksgiving. Also...

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Okay.

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"Should the respondent wish this travel to Illinois for extra visitation at her own expense, she shall give the Petitioner 30 days notice. This visitation should be given priority."

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Impossible to enforce - what happens if Dad decides that he's on vacation? "should be" doesn't help us and if Dad can show there's a legitimate reason why your chosen date won't work, then what?

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Extracurricular: "Scheduling of all extracurricular activities for children shall be made jointly by respondent and petitioner." This was added because my ex would purposefully schedule or enroll the kids in activities that interfered with my custody.

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And if there's no agreement...then what?

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Regarding communication: "At all times, the non-custodial parent shall have the right to telephone or Skype with the children on Mondays, Wednesday's, and Fridays at 5pm Pacific Time. Each party will cooperate and establish Skype accounts .

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Finally - that one is specific !

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If the child or children are unavailable at the court appointed time, the custodial parent shall set up and advise the noncustodial parent of an alternate time.

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And if he offers a different time that would clash with your schedule? Then it becomes your problem.

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Additionally, all of the children shall have the right to call or Skype the noncustodial parent at any time. Neither parent shall block calls or texts from the other party. "

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Impossible to enforce.

Ideally you'd have two parents who are eager and willing to work together. Dad doesn't seem to want to join that ship, and if he's savvy enough he'll know - and will play - the game and how it works.

Who has veto power? Nobody? In your situation someone should final say or veto. Because you are dealing with a difficult parent, you do actually want to think about getting it spelled out to the letter. Leave it as is, and Dad is likely going to screw with you.

so, what have you done to seek the enforcement of the order? If you do not seek to have the order enforced by the court that issued the order, then he can basically ignore the order with impunity.

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Quoting jk

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so, what have you done to seek the enforcement of the order? If you do not seek to have the order enforced by the court that issued the order, then he can basically ignore the order with impunity.

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Thanks, jk - this bit didn't actually occur to me :o

Mom, you're basically half of the country away from Dad and as a rule you need to be able to show that you've tried visitation.

Sometimes, the court will take into account the distance and what should or shouldn't constitute proof - but again, it's usually up to the visiting parent to go there and try.

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Quoting jk

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so, what have you done to seek the enforcement of the order? If you do not seek to have the order enforced by the court that issued the order, then he can basically ignore the order with impunity.

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I would be happy to answer. Last summer, when the elder son didn't come for the summer, I rented an apartment, drove to Illinois and stayed for the summer. I called and filed a police report since the ex was allowing my son to stay with other family and lying about his work schedule. I would show up to take custody, only to discover that ex would claim child was at a friend's or otherwise "busy being a teen". After the fourth call, the police basically told me they would file a report but couldn't force eldest son to get in the car. It was obvious that the police were just as frustrated as I was. When the children were late by days for two of their visits, the police filed reports and said the DA likely wouldn't go to Illinois to prosecute. I have filed letters stating my objection of their enrollment and participation in a Catholic School. Called the archdiocese of the area they live in and was told that, although he lied on their application, he there was nothing they would do. As to the phone calls, I have purchased cell phones for the children to have with dad and they were "lost". I even sent a laptop for skyping. It was broken, they claim. I call every time as scheduled and log onto Skype and "ping" them on every scheduled day. He blocks the case and, if the marker shows they are "online", someone sends back the generic "I am unavailable" message.
Our order states that all travel shall be via a certain airline, into one of two specific airports and that I should be given 30 days notice of the itinerary. I have kept printed documentation of my requests for schedules and extra visitation as well as his written denials. The court had ordered family therapy- I went, he did not. I have spoke with family services here, where the court has jurisdiction, and was told that I "had a cas, but it would be very hard to charge him with contempt without an attorney.
I can't afford to spend thousands of dollars flying out and having them not show. I did that twice already.

I guess I will do it in pro per. If you know of any books or resources, I would greatly appreciate the referral.

I apologize if my earlier comments were impatient. I didn't intend them to be.
On a final note: when this current order was being negotiated, 20 months ago, I asked the judge if we should be more specific and if there was any way to make sure the order was followed. My ex swore he would work with me and the judge did put in our order this statement: "Any issues relating to changes in communication, visitation, children's activities, medical care, or education needs written approval from both parties. Any issues that can not be resolved between the parties shall be decided by the court."
Thank you for your time. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Why yes, yes I did. Being impatient won't help you - even I have to sleep at night :cool:



Who picks up and drops off? At which times?

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We don't really have pick up and drop offs since we are 1800 miles apart. But, perhaps more distinct times should be written in the order? I am not sure how you'd do that with inconsistent flight schedules.

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Impossible to enforce - what happens if Dad decides that he's on vacation? "should be" doesn't help us and if Dad can show there's a legitimate reason why your chosen date won't work, then what

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From what our order says, any disagreements should go back to court. I assume the judge said this so we would compromise, but he has no desire to compromise.

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Finally - that one is specific !



And if he offers a different time that would clash with your schedule? Then it becomes your problem.

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I understand and would make anytime available to my children. In fact, when the phones were first available to the children, before they were replaced with dad's phone, I would get up at 4:30am to text with my daughter while she was on the bus.

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Ideally you'd have two parents who are eager and willing to work together. Dad doesn't seem to want to join that ship, and if he's savvy enough he'll know - and will play - the game and how it works.

Who has veto power? Nobody? In your situation someone should final say or veto. Because you are dealing with a difficult parent, you do actually want to think about getting it spelled out to the letter. Leave it as is, and Dad is likely going to screw with you.

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Okay. So, I should file in pro per? Can I file something like this in pro per?

If you can't afford an attorney, is there a law school close? It's not uncommon to have the students help real people while under the instruction of the actual attorneys.

Failing that, read all you can on your local rules and civil procedure. It's not impossible to handle by yourself, but you do need to know what you're doing.

If the order is out of California: http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-family.htm

If the order comes from Illinois: http://www.illinoislegalaid.org/inde...rea&topicID=59

Again, I do think you need the court to modify so that one of you can have veto power.

I still don't see what you did to seek enforcement of the order. What I am meaning by that is:

when did you file anything with the court that issued the order asking them to address the other parent's failure to comply with the order?

I appreciate the attempts you have made to visit the children and I see how he has frustrated your attempts and refused to comply with terms of the order but...


unless you take that to court, nothing is going to happen.

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. Any issues that can not be resolved between the parties shall be decided by the court."

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even by the courts own words; you must bring the matter to the courts to be addressed.


You might ask the court clerk if there is any legal assistance through any group available they may be aware of. The last time I visited our local court, I was surprised to see the assistance available to those needing it. Your state may have something available. As dogmatique stated as well; any law schools in the area?

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Quoting jk

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I still don't see what you did to seek enforcement of the order. What I am meaning by that is:

when did you file anything with the court that issued the order asking them to address the other parent's failure to comply with the order?

I appreciate the attempts you have made to visit the children and I see how he has frustrated your attempts and refused to comply with terms of the order but...


unless you take that to court, nothing is going to happen.




even by the courts own words; you must bring the matter to the courts to be addressed.


You might ask the court clerk if there is any legal assistance through any group available they may be aware of. The last time I visited our local court, I was surprised to see the assistance available to those needing it. Your state may have something available. As dogmatique stated as well; any law schools in the area?

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I wanted to give you two a thank you for your advice. I couldn't find a law school nearby: I did manage to find a We The People non-profit to speak with and they are helping me get the appropriate paperwork. I also spoke to the court's family law facilitators. They were very helpful.
It sucks that any of this was necessary. But, thank you.
Any ideas for how to approach next weekend?

Hmmm...you're in California. Let me send a quick note to a fantastic lady who knows more about the ins and outs of family law in CA than .... well, anyone else I know.