Teenager Refuses Visitation and Communication

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York

I've always had a very good relationship with my daughter. We've had some issues as she entered teenage years but were always resolved. She is now 16 and for the past 2 years I've been very flexible and understanding that she has activities and wants to maintain a social life. This has turned into me seeing her maybe once every 2 months and has been to the point of her wanting to see me only when she needs money for something that her mom won't pay for. I pay my child support on time and then some. Every year since she was a little girl, I take her shopping for school clothes, help with school supplies. Recently got her a lap top for school, I realize there is more to the bigger picture than child support when it comes to raising a teen and try to help as much as I can. On the rare occasions that I do see her, I give her some cash for her pocket. Mind you, I barely speak with her mom. When my daughter needs something she comes to me directly and I rarely say no...which I am sure is what has brought us where we are now.

Recently she had asked for close to $600 for an extracurricular activity. I told her I would pay half she got an attitude and said forget it I'll pay it all with my own money. I told her fine, it is forgotten - she doesn't make the rules. I did not hear from her for a couple of weeks after that and heard that she has said some very nasty things about me. I try not to take it too seriously, because she is a teen, even though it is very hurtful and unfortunately this is how some are.

I've tried to reach out to her several times in the past few weeks and she has ignored my calls and texts until last night when she told me "there is nothing to talk about, she is done with me and I will never see her again" I explained that she doesn't make that decision and ended with "good night, see you soon". She said again, "you will never see me and I am blocking your number, feel free to take this up in court" WOW, is all I could think when I read her text message. Her mother maintains the attitude of "she is strong willed and always will be" - of course this is unacceptable. I am willing to give my daughter time to cool down but have a feeling this isn't going to go well. I have not seen her since Christmas (had to come get gifts and then disappear again) but we have spoken on a regular basis, until this happened.

I feel like this is a no win for me either way, because if I go to court to enforce the visitation, she will resent me even more. I want my daughter to want to see me, to enjoy spending time with me. Not just "use me" when she needs something that her mom won't pay for. She knows how much I love her and how much I love seeing her, but I am done with my child manipulating me by trading seeing me for money. It is hurtful that she would speak to me the way she did and can't believe her mother thinks it is OK for her to take advantage of the current situation. I am living a life of my teenager blackmailing me for visitation and feel as if I am up against a wall.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Quoting nydad

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I feel like this is a no win for me either way, because if I go to court to enforce the visitation, she will resent me even more. I want my daughter to want to see me, to enjoy spending time with me. Not just "use me" when she needs something that her mom won't pay for. She knows how much I love her and how much I love seeing her, but I am done with my child manipulating me by trading seeing me for money. It is hurtful that she would speak to me the way she did and can't believe her mother thinks it is OK for her to take advantage of the current situation. I am living a life of my teenager blackmailing me for visitation and feel as if I am up against a wall.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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I am not sure you are going to find the advice you are looking for here, it doesn't sound like you need legal advice, it sounds like you want/need advice from a family counselor. I know there are forums out there for parents, and even some specifically dealing with divorce and custody. Unfortunately I can't recommend a specific one. If/when you decide you want or need to take legal action to get visitation then I amsure posters here would be happy to help.

Best of Luck.

Thank you. You are probably right although, I can't get her to talk to me there is no way for me to get her into counseling with me.

If I were to take legal action and if she herself told a judge that she doesn't want to have relationship with me - can she be forced to do so at her age?

Yes, she can.

Well, let me put it this way. The judge can require that she continue the visitation with you. Until she is 18, it is not her choice.

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Quoting nydad

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If I were to take legal action and if she herself told a judge that she doesn't want to have relationship with me - can she be forced to do so at her age?

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Yes, the court can order visitation until she is 18. If there is a standing court ordered visitation plan and your daughter is not following it then her mother could be held in contempt until your daughter is 18.

Yes there is an existing order for visitation that began when she was very small.
What does being held in contempt entail??

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Quoting nydad

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Yes there is an existing order for visitation that began when she was very small.
What does being held in contempt entail??

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You would need to file a Petition for Enforcement of a Visitation Order, and be prepared to show at a hearing that your Ex has been interfering with your ability to visit your child. Consequences for your Ex include modification of the visitation agreement, fines, or sanctions.

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Quoting brownj12

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You would need to file a Petition for Enforcement of a Visitation Order, and be prepared to show at a hearing that your Ex has been interfering with your ability to visit your child. Consequences for your Ex include modification of the visitation agreement, fines, or sanctions.

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I can't prove she is actually interfering with visitation. What she is doing is allowing my daughter to call the shots, and continues to tell me "to just give her time and she will come around" - she has never purposely kept my daughter from me, but she doesn't insist my daughter see me either. Is that the same as interfering?

Have you made the effort to actually go over and get your spoiled brat of a child?

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Quoting SESmama

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Have you made the effort to actually go over and get your spoiled brat of a child?

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I have not YET actually gone to their home as I'm not sure if the outcome will be ugly. I don't want unnecessary conflict with my ex's husband as it is likely my daughter will refuse to come out of the house. The court agreement states her mom is to drop her off at my house and I drive her back unless other arrangements are made prior to visitation and it has always worked well until as of late. When she was 12 she went through a similar phase where I didn't see her or hear from her for a few months and when I went to the local police station where they live with my visitation order requesting an escort to the home because I have not seen or spoken to my daughter. They outright refused me and said it is a family court matter. I am reluctant to show up at the home unannounced, I am not sure what my rights are in this regard.

Every week I call her to see if I will be seeing her and sometimes she will tell me she is coming and then Saturday morning when she is supposed to arrive I will usually get a text or phone call saying she forgot she had an important appointment or activity she has to attend and has to cancel with me. When I reach out to her mom, I get the same story. She has things to do and the older she gets, the every 2 week arrangement will not work and I get all that, but will not cut myself off completely and only make myself available for shopping dates and to hand over cash.

If I don't call my daughter, she does not call me at all. Her mother gives me no updates on anything whatsoever and I've come to accept that. We have a civil relationship because we barely have one at all. We agreed to improve that because my daughter was taking advantage of the fact that her parents were not communicating at all with a lot of lies that she got away with until her mother finally broke down and called me out of desperation seeking answers to things that didn't make sense. But, when additional funds are needed for something, the both of them call me so much my phone is about to melt. Now the one time I refuse the "demands" I am being told she wants out of my life because I don't support her the way I should. Spoiled brat - yes. And I know I am partially the blame.