Custody Modification in Oregon

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Oregon

My husband and I do not have custody of his 2 children but they live with us full time. Their mom got full custody of them in January 2013. She now resides in Washington(4+ hours away) They lived with her for a total of 1.5 months after the order was in place....the time they lived in Washington they were not physically living with the mother, but with a family friend because the mother could not provide for them. The reason we have them back living with us is because the family friend got fed up with the mother and mother had no choice but to let them come live with us....We still pay her child support each month($500) but we want to modify and get custody because we all know the kids are better off with us(mothers family also agrees). Mother is against all that and lied in court the first time.

The oldest is in school here and boy scouts, the youngest doing some gymnastics. Husband and I have two children(one from my previous relationship and one together), so the kids have siblings here.

The mother got custody the first time because she was believed to have more of an emotional connection although the youngest is a daddy's girl. Mom cried herself through court and dad held himself together. Mothers family used to live in Washington and the judge used that against husband because he has very little family. Since court, her entire family has moved to Texas and the kids have had a huge family connection with my family(cousins, lots of grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc).

We gave $800 to an attorney to start the modification process but he has since used all but $150 on emails and research. We were going to give him more with our tax return but just found out that it is being offset to pay her back pay child support so we now have nothing. Is it safe to file for modification without an attorney? I am so lost now, especially since she is receiving the money we were going to use. It really just irks me because she is getting free money...the kids were in Washington with her, but never once lived in her home. Thanks in advance

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Quoting bjw12889

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Oregon

My husband and I do not have custody of his 2 children but they live with us full time. Their mom got full custody of them in January 2013. She now resides in Washington(4+ hours away) They lived with her for a total of 1.5 months after the order was in place....the time they lived in Washington they were not physically living with the mother, but with a family friend because the mother could not provide for them. The reason we have them back living with us is because the family friend got fed up with the mother and mother had no choice but to let them come live with us....We still pay her child support each month($500) but we want to modify and get custody because we all know the kids are better off with us(mothers family also agrees). Mother is against all that and lied in court the first time.

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Point number 1, and this one is CRITICALLY important. You must never EVER say something like "My husband and I do not have custody of his children"...particularly if your husband is going to attempt a custody case without an attorney. Making a statement like that can truly total your husband in court. Legally you and your husband are NOT a team and you will NEVER have any custody rights regarding his children. You have to learn to eliminate the words "we" or "our" from your vocabulary. Please take me seriously on this one, because stepparents sometimes really cause their spouses serious problems in that regard.

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The oldest is in school here and boy scouts, the youngest doing some gymnastics. Husband and I have two children(one from my previous relationship and one together), so the kids have siblings here.

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Along the same lines...the children have A sibling here...your child is not their sibling. Same warning...take it seriously please, for your husband's sake.

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The mother got custody the first time because she was believed to have more of an emotional connection although the youngest is a daddy's girl. Mom cried herself through court and dad held himself together. Mothers family used to live in Washington and the judge used that against husband because he has very little family. Since court, her entire family has moved to Texas and the kids have had a huge family connection with my family(cousins, lots of grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc).

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The child have zero family connection where YOUR family is concerned...again, massively warning you not to mess up your husband's case.

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We gave $800 to an attorney to start the modification process but he has since used all but $150 on emails and research. We were going to give him more with our tax return but just found out that it is being offset to pay her back pay child support so we now have nothing. Is it safe to file for modification without an attorney? I am so lost now, especially since she is receiving the money we were going to use. It really just irks me because she is getting free money...the kids were in Washington with her, but never once lived in her home. Thanks in advance

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Your HUSBAND's custody case should be based entirely on the fact that the children have lived with HIM for a full or almost a full year...assuming that I understood the timeline correctly. If that is inaccurate then I would recommend that your husband wait until the children have lived with him for at least six months before attempting a custody change.

And I will reiterate...its always concerning when its a stepparent posting instead of the actual parent. Its even more concerning when a stepparent makes the kinds of statements that you have.

You honestly need to understand that judges and other court professionals have a huge bias against interfering stepparents or significant others. If you want your husband to have a reasonable chance at success you seriously need to step back, step out, be quiet and let the courts never even realize that you exist other than as a side note. Otherwise you won't be a help to your husband, you will be hinderance.

Yes, I know this. I am a very laid back person and I am definitely not in the middle of anything with this case. I honestly don't even have contact with the kids mother because I stay completely out of it. I'm only posting this to get advice on the situation because my husband really doesn't know what to do. He isn't the internet, forum type guy so I told him I would ask for ideas. I am here for support and to help him with anything I can :-). I was only trying to explain our situation, because we are a team(marriage wise, not in court) Thanks for the input.

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Also, the attorney was using my family as leverage because they are the closest thing to a stable family that the kids have. There is a solid foundation here for the kids because of the connections they have with my family. I know I have no legal rights as a step parent, but the judge we are working with is more concerned with stability for the kids, such as connections with family as well as with the community. :-)

Forget the child support issue - seriously. It's not Mom's fault that Dad hasn't filed to modify.

So, are the current orders out of WA or OR? Does Mom intend to fight?

Orders are out of Oregon because mom used to live here as well. She intends to fight for some reason. She knows and admits they are better here with us, but she doesn't want to lose power. And the attorney insisted that we wait to file, there are certain things we had to do with timelines that didn't allow filing any sooner. It would be safer to even wait longer than we have.

What exactly does Dad have to wait for?

With child support only, there's a 36 month wait period unless there is a significant CoC.

With custody, there's no wait period if there's a significant CoC.

I'll ignore the slam on Mom.

Given that this is obviously going to be a contentious issue, please take the following advice as it's intended.

We all understand that stepparents and their families can be a very important influence on the children. With two parents who are able to co-parent fairly well, this is a non-issue. However, when the parents are obviously at odds, the worst thing the stepparent can do is make themselves a critical part of any custody matter. Even if their spouse requests it. If all else is equal, it is not uncommon for a parent to try to tip the balance in their favor by indicating that the stepparent is too involved. There doesn't even need to be proof necessarily - many courts (specially the OR and WA courts, unfortunately for Dad) will err on the side of caution and add a "no third party interference" clause or even switch custody as a result.

So, from one stepparent to another, tread very carefully. By "very carefully", I mean "step about 50 paces away, support Dad, love the kids and don't give Mom ANY ammunition she can use against Dad".

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Quoting bjw12889

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Yes, I know this. I am a very laid back person and I am definitely not in the middle of anything with this case. I honestly don't even have contact with the kids mother because I stay completely out of it. I'm only posting this to get advice on the situation because my husband really doesn't know what to do. He isn't the internet, forum type guy so I told him I would ask for ideas. I am here for support and to help him with anything I can :-). I was only trying to explain our situation, because we are a team(marriage wise, not in court) Thanks for the input.

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Also, the attorney was using my family as leverage because they are the closest thing to a stable family that the kids have. There is a solid foundation here for the kids because of the connections they have with my family. I know I have no legal rights as a step parent, but the judge we are working with is more concerned with stability for the kids, such as connections with family as well as with the community. :-)

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If that was really your husband's attorney's strategy its very disconcerting. That is an extremely poor strategy.

And OP, you did it again. I want you to practice leaving the words "we" and "our" out of your conversations. I am really serious about this. It should have been "I was only trying to explain my husband's situation". You are going to mess up somewhere critical if you don't practice.

I am not involved with the attorney or any part of the custody, and I don't intend to be because I know I have no 'step parent' rights. I'm just trying to explain the situation. I REPEAT, I am NOT involved...not with the courts, not with the other party, not with my husbands decisions, not with the attorney. I feel that if I influence his decisions and he loses that I will be to blame, so I don't. BUT, I do support my husband and the attorney, he is very well known(part of the reason we can't afford him). The waiting period is for the ex parte filing for the kids to stay here with us during the process. We have to wait at least 3 months, preferably longer, or else mom can come take the kids and yank them from school, sports, etc. Aside from all this 'step parent' talk, can someone give advice on the filing for modification without an attorney? Is it risky?, Can we do it without having to spend the thousands on the attorney?, Has anyone ever done it and had success? Thanks you.

Try here

http://courts.oregon.gov/OJD/selfhelp/index.page

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Quoting SESmama

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Try here

http://courts.oregon.gov/OJD/selfhelp/index.page

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Thank you, that was very helpful. I'll look into those some more.

There is absolutely no reason for an ex parte.

Temp orders, perhaps. But ex parte? Where is the emergency?

Yes, it is an ex parte status quo order. It is specifically for this type of situation to keep the kids where they have been residing until the modification of custody is settled. It prevents them from being torn from their familiar lifestyle. In this case, the mom has full custody but the children live in our home because she can't support them. When she gets served with modification paperwork, she is going to try taking the kids but this status quo order prevents her from doing that or there could be legal consequences for her.

Oh wow. There's so much wrong there I'm not even sure where to start. I don't think you and Dad are understanding this, at all.

There's no such thing as a "status quo" order. An ex parte is for situations where the children are at risk from imminent harm. An ex parte is NOT a means to keep the kids against the CURRENT order.

UNTIL the order is modified, OR there's a restraining order in place (and don't even think of going down that path), NOTHING can prevent Mom from picking up the kids.

Filing does nothing at all except get things in motion.

And Dad is risking what he's got. He really needs to start reading.

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And which legal consequences are we talking about?

And actually there is. Here is the link. Every attorney we've spoken to has suggested this same process.
http://courts.oregon.gov/Lane/Family.../famforms.aspx its under 'forms for temporary orders' called 'packet 6b-status quo order, post- judgment'

EXACTLY.

It's part of the TEMPORARY orders. It is NOT part of an ex parte order.

See what I'm saying now?

An ex parte is an EMERGENCY order. A Temp order is actually what I suggested earlier on.

There are several different types of 'ex parte' forms
'ex parte' is a type of hearing process, not a type of form. And yes, there is a form for immediate danger, but that is not the one in referring to.

Okey dokey then!

I wish Dad the best of luck!

Thank you! We appreciate it.