Does a Parent Have to Communicate With a Stepparent
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Alabama.
My husband and I have been married almost Three years. I have three daughters and he has two steps-sons. My children's father is an over the road truck driver, so hes basically not in their life, but currently paying child support. My husband is an excellent father who loves his children dearly and we've always had an open door policy at our house. He never wanted to be an "every other weekend" dad. Thats one of the reasons I fell in love with him. His exe wife has stepped over our personal boundaries even from the beginning of our marriage. She made it very clear that "her exe had lots of girlfriends before me, and I would just be another girl" so therefore he didnt want me involved with her children. She has done everything she could to break us up. She's even mentally toying with her children's minds by basically making them think that their father loves me and my kids more than this. Its ridiculous. Ive attempted to be rational with her and try to work things out but she is not rational.
The custody papers say hes to have the boys every other weekend, yet we have them almost every weekend, some school nights, all holidays and every summer. We take them all summer even though were only supposed to have them two weeks and she still wants child support on the months during the summer we have the boys. She will not even tell us and drop them off and we have actually been on our way to a date night and had to stay in. We pay at least half on all sports they play (which is baseball, track, and football) and she still complains we do not do enough for the boys. She then makes the children hate their father because shes always bad mouthing him and me. She wants nothing more than to seperate us so my husband can be at her beck and call. Ive laid the line in the sand with her, but she says "I dont exist in her world"...
Ive tried to explain to her that if we got along it would be better for the kids and what Ive felt shes doing to them mentally. She ius so selfish or blind she doesnt seem to care. Shes taken the boys to a therapist and my step son said ever since his dads been married me to his life has been awful and its all my fault. I dont understand because Ive loved the boys, care and cook for them, do their laundry, drive them around, buy things for them, tried to bond with them. Ive been nothing but nice, however, I have rules in my home. its my understanding that before I came along their dad kind of let them do pretty much what they wanted. So I guess now parties over, and I'm the one to blame. She threatens that if I try to speak with her she will not let them come for visitations. She threatens to raise his child support if we do not help with extras. Most of the time we do, but sometimes we just dont have extra.
Then she tells him he's a sorry father. Then the boys start texting him that they hate him. I am in love with my husband and I love his kids and mine, but I dont know what to do about the exe...or how much more of this abuse I can take from her and her kids verbally. Help! What are my rights as a step parent? Is she able to just block me out of the family like this and say I have no input on he kids, even when they are in my home. This week she blocked my number from their cell phones. There have been times they couldnt get a hold of their dad they have needed to call me to get them. I dont know what to do anymore.
Re: Married Almost Three Years and My Husbands Exe Wife Still Refuses to Deal with Me
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dhopkins1108
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Alabama.My husband and I have been married almost Three years. I have three daughters and he has two steps-sons.
I think you really meant to say that he has two sons.
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His exe wife has stepped over our personal boundaries even from the beginning of our marriage. She made it very clear that "her exe had lots of girlfriends before me, and I would just be another girl" so therefore he didnt want me involved with her children. She has done everything she could to break us up.
Not nice at all, but not relevant legally.
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She's even mentally toying with her children's minds by basically making them think that their father loves me and my kids more than this. Its ridiculous.
That may very well be relevant.
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Ive attempted to be rational with her and try to work things out but she is not rational.
That is seriously overstepping on your part. You should not be having that kind of discussion with her.
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The custody papers say hes to have the boys every other weekend, yet we have them almost every weekend, some school nights, all holidays and every summer.
That is dad being a good dad.
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We take them all summer even though were only supposed to have them two weeks and she still wants child support on the months during the summer we have the boys.
That is standard. Child support is calculated for the year and then divided by twelve months so that the child support is consistent all year long. Otherwise, child support would be higher for the non-summer months.
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She will not even tell us and drop them off and we have actually been on our way to a date night and had to stay in.
Dad should not allow mom to get away with doing that.
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We pay at least half on all sports they play (which is baseball, track, and football) and she still complains we do not do enough for the boys. She then makes the children hate their father because shes always bad mouthing him and me. She wants nothing more than to seperate us so my husband can be at her beck and call.
Again, not nice on her part. The bad mouthing dad is legally relevant. The rest is not.
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Ive laid the line in the sand with her, but she says "I dont exist in her world"...Ive tried to explain to her that if we got along it would be better for the kids and what Ive felt shes doing to them mentally. She ius so selfish or blind she doesnt seem to care.
Again, this is serious overstepping on your part. Again, you should not be having these kinds of discussions with mom.
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Shes taken the boys to a therapist and my step son said ever since his dads been married me to his life has been awful and its all my fault. I dont understand because Ive loved the boys, care and cook for them, do their laundry, drive them around, buy things for them, tried to bond with them. Ive been nothing but nice, however, I have rules in my home. its my understanding that before I came along their dad kind of let them do pretty much what they wanted. So I guess now parties over, and I'm the one to blame.
Based on the amount of overstepping that you are doing, the child may very well feel that you are the cause of everything being "awful".
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She threatens that if I try to speak with her she will not let them come for visitations.
There is an easy solution to that. Stop overstepping and stop talking to her. You shouldn't be doing so anyway.
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She threatens to raise his child support if we do not help with extras. Most of the time we do, but sometimes we just dont have extra. Then she tells him he's a sorry father. Then the boys start texting him that they hate him.
She cannot raise his child support. Only the courts can do that and only if the guidelines say that his support should be raised. It is VERY bad that she is involving the children that way.
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I am in love with my husband and I love his kids and mine, but I dont know what to do about the exe...or how much more of this abuse I can take from her and her kids verbally. Help! What are my rights as a step parent? Is she able to just block me out of the family like this and say I have no input on he kids, even when they are in my home. This week she blocked my number from their cell phones. There have been times they couldnt get a hold of their dad they have needed to call me to get them. I dont know what to do anymore.
Step back, step out and let your husband deal with his children and their mother. Seriously, the amount of overstepping that you are doing can cause serious problems for your husband in court...as well as aggravation for you. You don't have any input on THEIR children, other than behind the scenes as a support to your husband.
Re: Married Almost Three Years and My Husbands Exe Wife Still Refuses to Deal with Me
I'm really not sure how I am over stepping any boundaries at all. The children are in my home most of the time. I do have a say so in my own house, especially since everything that goes on also affects my little girls. I guess I should give you a little background on my step sons. The oldest step son tends to get into trouble a lot. He's stolen our truck, and gotten in trouble with the police numerous times. He wanted to have two friends over for a sleep over and they thought they were being clever by sneaking out the window to smoke an illegal drug without us knowing. A neighbor thought we were being robbed and called the police. The police showed up and arrested all three boys and we had no idea what the boys were up to. He was placed on probation. Several more times hes gotten in trouble with same scenario at friends houses at sleep overs. Neither my husband nor his exe wife ever disciplines the children. I understand it's their children, However, in my home I have girls, so when the boys are over I do not allow sleep overs anymore. This is not only to protect my children, but his children too. I care about the boys, and I take care of them like I would my own children. If this is all going on in my home, do I not have a right as a step parents to enforce rules in my own home? I fail to see the logic in this, as I must have some rights as a loving step parent and mother.
My main problem is that I really feel it would be better if we could all communicate openly-but she refuses. yet she has no problem with me buying her kids clothes, feeding them, driving them back and forth places, etc. My husband and I also went to a family therapist who thought the exe wife was being hurtful to not only my relationship with step children, but to her own children by getting the kids involved in all of this.
if im over stepping boundaries what do you suggest I do? Just turn a cheek and let the chips fall where they may? One thing I will not allow is any illegal behavior from their 16 year old in my home.His grades have gone down, hes depressed and Im to blame because hes not allowed to have friends sleep over anymore But how can I trust him when hes constantly doing things that show me how irresponsible hes being. This is the kind of things I would like to speak with about to their mom. Thought together we could help each other since were coming together for the common good of her children. Im not trying to be their mom, they have a mother. I just care about them and want him to have a bright future. I fail to see how I can be to blame for all this-when its bad decisions on his part that has lead us to this junction.
Re: Married Almost Three Years and My Husbands Exe Wife Still Refuses to Deal with Me
It's one thing to make the rules for your own home.
It's another thing entirely to put yourself into Mom and Dad's parenting relationship.
Are you seriously banning sleepovers? What on earth do you think is going to happen? Do you not see how that can seem a little...too much?
You actually don't have any rights over his children.
It's not your fight. Not your dog. Let Dad deal with Mom. You are absolutely creating conflict. And honestly, if Dad can't handle the discipline of his own children, he needs to let Mom have them 24/7, increase the CS he pays, and let it go.
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Before we go further, please let me tell you a little story.
Quite some years ago I was the girlfriend of a guy who more or less had full custody of his kids. Well, I went into that as a complete and utter bitch. I overstepped in just every which way you can imagine (and ways you probably couldn't imagine). After all, I had to be better than Mom, right? I mean she didn't have full custody...there had to be a reason for that, yeah?
Yeah. Not so much.
I. Was. Horrible.
Embarrassingly, hurtfully (to others) horrible.
I nearly cost him custody. I really did.
Fast forward a few years. We'd broken up, and I happened to see Mom and the kids in the town center. To my absolute shock, she smiled in recognition. A few hours later I had confirmation that she was quite honestly an amazing Mom. She talked to me, she was gracious, she was polite and she got me to understand that the reason she didn't push my interference too much was because knew that on at least one level I actually did love those kids.
I didn't deserve her niceness. Truly.
Moving on even more (ahem). Quite a few years later, I found myself....being stepmom again. This time though? Oh gawd. It was, and still is, completely different. Now granted their Mama passed away. "My" girls are well into adulthood. They of course adore their Daddy, but when they're down, it's me they call. When #2 was deployed to a particularly hot hell hole, I shed the tears. When #1 had CPS bugging her, I was up there every other night helping her. When they need to confess something and know that Dad might just erupt...you guessed it. I'm the mediator :)
Their Mama is always going to be present, and hell's bells in the living room there's a little shrine on the mantelpiece. It's Mama's ashes, their favourite family photo together, and some really cute little personal items. They can still call her old cell phone to hear her voice (it was never changed) on the outgoing message.
(llworking, you really need to intervene and shut me up sometimes, I swear!)
My point in all of this? It's bloody hard being a stepparent. You love and cherish those kids, but you've got to know your place. Because this is how the kids are going to remember you. Were you the occasionally pissy, but overall really decent parent figure who was there for them? Or were you the interfering one who - in their eyes - ruined their teen/young adult years?
Re: Married Almost Three Years and My Husbands Exe Wife Still Refuses to Deal with Me
Dog, I agree with everything you've said except what OP said about sleepovers. I get the feeling she has banned sleepovers at her house, not altogether. She has girls, and has EVERY right to ban troubled teen boys from having friends sleep over at her house.
Re: Married Almost Three Years and My Husbands Exe Wife Still Refuses to Deal with Me
Yeah, I'm a bit on the fence on that one.
On the one hand, miscreant teens can be mini hurricanes leaving angst and destruction in their wake.
On the other hand though, depending on how it's all been presented, it could tip the balance from "Stepmom is okay really" to "Oh my God she's a nightmare and I hate her" which isn't going to do anybody any good either.
Ideally though, Dad should be working on this. If he can't or won't discipline his kids, he's actually placing stepmom in a dreadful position by expecting her to do it all.
Re: Married Almost Three Years and My Husbands Exe Wife Still Refuses to Deal with Me
Thanks for the advise. I'm going to try to gracefully bow out awhile and let the kids come to me. At this point nothing is working so I suppose I have nothing lose. I may come off as abrasive sometimes but I don't sugar cost things. It's not that I'm trying to be mean its just my personality. I do it all out of love, as stupid and Corny as that sounds. Yes, I've only banned the sleep overs at my house. I am willing to reconsider but I'm so scared of what will happen. Ill guess ill just play it by ear and see how this all pans out. I appreciate the feed back, good and bad.
I was raised by my step dad but my real dad was not in the picture. He had all the same rights my mom did. I had and still have much respect for him even though I know he upset me sometimes as an adult I see I was lucky to have him.
Re: Married Almost Three Years and My Husbands Exe Wife Still Refuses to Deal with Me
It's not corny and it's definitely not stupid.
You're a Stepparent. Welcome to the club lol