Modifying Custody After Moving to Another State

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: MI and VA

My daughter was born in VA in September 2000. In August of 2001 she and I moved back to my home state of MI, where we have continued to reside. I filed for custody after moving back here but my daughters father filed in VA and his paperwork went through first. I had consulted an attorney here and was told to "go out there, do the best you can do, come back here and we'll take him to court here and get it moved". I took notes as I was talking to this attorney and did as instructed. I went to court in VA totally unrepresented. Cliff notes of what I ended up with- Joint legal custody, I have full physical custody. He worked for the airlines and had flight benefits so at that time it was stated that he was to get 1 week every month, 2 weeks in July, 2 weeks in August and the years he had her for Christmas, 2 weeks in December. He was to fly into the nearest airport to the mother without incurring any additional airline expenses. Each and every single airport that was listed in the custody order was 3+ hours away from me, even though we have closer airports. When I came back to MI, I called the same attorney and he denied telling me anything he had. He said that there was nothing he could do. I had NOTES! He denied it all. I ended up having to live with what was set in stone in VA. My daughter, although living in the state of MI, was considered a resident of the Commonweath of VA until she was 18 years old.

Obviously, once she started kindergarten we could not keep doing the custody as stated. Eventually the airline he worked for went under and he started flying into Chicago-Midway, renting a car and driving a few hours into WI and I would spend 4 hours one way driving to meet him (he refused to step foot in MI because I served him with papers for child support one time he picked her up) and then turn around and drive 4 hours back, no matter what the weather (we get horrible blizzards up here). She then was going to his house every other Christmas (she would go on Dec 26th on the years I had her and would stay there through New Years), and for I believe 6 weeks in the summer (which he has now decided is 8-10 weeks because one summer she wanted to stay longer). She has no choice in when she wants to go, nor do I. He buys her tickets and does not notify me of the dates, I have to ask him. She normally leaves for the summer the weekend of Father's Day and returns the 2nd or 3rd week in August, no matter what is going on. He will not budge and I have no say.

My daughter just turned 13 years old in September. This means she has been living in MI for 12 years and 4 months. I would think that Michigan would be able to retain custody of her? Is it possible to get the custody order moved to MI given she has lived here basically her entire life?

She does not like going to her dads house. I would never tell her that she doesn't have to go because I do think its important for her to have a relationship with her dad as well as her brother (he's 23, not my child). Her dad has full custody of his son and has since he was approximately 2 years old. Her father is not a US citizen, instead a legal resident alien, meaning he has every right you and I have, except he cannot vote. He has lived in the US for approximately 30 years. (Per custody he cannot take her out of the country. Neither of us can.) Her dad has virtually no friends. Her brother has virtually no friends. They have each other. My daughter has gone to the same daycare since she was a small baby. However, she is now 13 and still going to daycare. I do understand the reasons behind this as living outside of DC I'd be leery of leaving her home alone as well. It's a different way of life there as it is here where we live. Still, when she is there, she goes to daycare and to swimming classes. They also do things like biking, shopping, dining out etc. I am not saying he's a bad father at all, however our child is 13 years old, has been visiting her dad in VA for 12 years and has NO friends except one boy who is the grandson of the daycare provider. How much fun is that to a 13 year old girl? How fair is that? She is miserable out there. She is not allowed access to his wireless password and he has a code on the tv so she cannot change the channel and watch what she wants on tv. He dictates every single thing she can and cannot do. She also cannot freely be herself with him. He treats her like she is 5 years old. I can understand considering he is only spending summers with her and 2 weeks over Christmas break, however he has the option to come to MI to see her and has not done that one time. He did it once when we went to court for child support and that was the only time. I recently had a review done for my child support as well. He was giving me less than half of what he is now. I have paid for every Dr's bill, dentist bill etc. All of my vacation from work is spent running her to basketball, volleyball, figure skating, Dr and dentist appts. Once I asked friend of the court to reassess my child support, he agreed to give me more than double he'd been giving me for the previous 11 years. Meanwhile he was in VA buying himself and his son new clothes, computers etc and I'm in MI scraping to get by. He didn't care.

Every summer she is there he is full of empty promises. He's going to take her to NY, FL, MD, Six Flags etc. The list goes on. He has never done it. He gets her hopes up only to crush them. This time of being out there for Christmas she told me they were going to NY, but she wasn't getting her hopes up and neither was I. I asked her what they were going for and he said he had to go for work. They left late afternoon today, got to NY and he LEFT her in a hotel with her brother (who is 23) to go to a "reception" for someone he works with! WHAT?! You drive for 3.5 hours to get to NY, get our daughters hopes up that you're going to take her to Times Square and you leave her (them) in a hotel room for "30 minutes"????? Well, 30 minutes was over 2 hours ago. He just got back to the hotel. It's almost 11pm. He's now taking her/ them to Times Square. They're leaving early in the morning....

It's all a lie. There is no reception today. Who gets married on a Monday, on December 30 in NYC? Sure I'm sure some people do, but I highly doubt that's where he was. He may have had a date or something. She catches him on every dating website out there. Why lie to her? Why get her hopes up? She's 13 years old and he's going to take her out to downtown NYC at 11pm. Wonderful. I'm sure this is a trip she'll always remember!!!

It's constant disappointment for her and it breaks my heart. Oh and not to mention, that even though I've been gone for 12 years, I'm not allowed to move on with my life or she has to pay for it and listen to him cut me down or whomever I'm dating. It's unfair and I have told him many times that I wish he'd meet someone so our daughter would have a female figure out there. Yet, I'm still not allowed to move on. If my boyfriend comes with me to drop her off at our meeting point, he has to wait in the car or wait in the store while he exchange her. How fair is that? Why am I letting him dictate my life?

The time is done. I need to do something about this and move jurisdiction to MI. She is at the age where she should have a say in what she wants to do. Sure, she doesn't want to break her dads heart and neither do I but he will never change and I don't blame her for wanting to spend her entire summer vacation there. He can come here to visit her as well but he refuses to do so, no matter what is going on. (ie: Her first communion/ Confirmation was very important to him, so I did as he asked, yet he couldn't even come to MI for it.)

Anyone out there that has ANY insight for me would be greatly appreciated! Where do I start? Is it possible to move visitation here since she's lived here for her entire life with the exception of her first 10 months?

Thanks in advance (and thank you for listening/ reading me vent!)

As long as Dad remains in the home state, that's where jurisdiction will remain.

Some hints:

Don't take boyfriend to pick up/drop off
Your daughter doesn't get to choose. She should actually be understanding that her wishes do not control - and you need to enforce that.
Dad has every right to withhold Internet access. Perhaps he believe it's in her best interest.

Other than that, the rest of it is really not relevant.

First of all, as I said, I would NEVER keep her from her dad. Ever. That is not my intention.

Secondly, she was NOT in the state for the 6 months prior to him filing or when the custody agreement was enforced, therefore it should have never been done in VA, and should have been done in MI.

No, you're correct, she doesn't "need" internet, however if I want to talk to my daughter, I should have that right. He decides when he will answer the phone and when he will not. If I want to be able to text her or call her cell phone, I should have that right. (Now that he's finally allowing her to have her cell phone.) There are times that I need to contact her when she's at daycare and I should be able to. He can talk to her at any time he wishes when she is here, so why can't I? Another reason for wi-fi- last year over Christmas break due to weather issues, she had to stay almost an extra week. Due to him not allowing her to access the internet, she fell behind in her classes in school. The week she came back she had exams and was totally unprepared. Her grades suffered tremendously because of it.

I don't think you, as well as him, can dictate who I can and cannot take with me on an 8 hour car ride! Do you understand that where I live, we can get over 12+ of snow in one day? Two lane roads. Excuse me for feeling safer having someone traveling with me. Boyfriend, husband, friend, parent- it shouldn't matter who I have in my vehicle with me when I'm traveling. I wanted to bring her friends with me when I picked her up one time after she'd been gone in the summer. He frowned upon that too. She was excited to have him meet her friends and vice versa and it wasn't allowed. They had to stay in a store out of sight as well. You don't find that a little odd?

Your location is your choice. Not mine, not Dad's.

Does your court order address "virtual" visitation? If not, Dad's not obliged to take your calls or your texts - he gets to dictate, realistically.

It's too late now to argue incorrect jurisdiction.

And no, I really don't find it odd that Dad wants quality time with his daughter versus her tagging a long a group of her friends.

For what it's worth, I lived in North Dakota. Don't talk to me about cold ;)

Then you can understand why I don't want to drive 8 hours alone in the middle of no where in case something happens.

My court order was enforced in 2001, before virtual anything.

I understand have QT with her, I really do. I would never tell her that she doesn't HAVE to go. I would never, and have never attempted to keep her from him. I'm not that type of person. I believe that every little girl needs her daddy. However, this was not quality time, this was him dropping her off to me. There was not a long line of friends, there was one friend. She wanted him to meet her friend but he had no desire to do so. He's very strange and controlling. This would explain why she has no friends there.

You don't think that I have any chance of getting custody moved to MI? My child support is through MI because we'd found a loophole in the VA order. VA has three separate orders but only filed custody and visitation. So, she will be considered a resident of the Commonwealth of VA until she's 18 years old even though she will be eligible for a MI drivers license after she takes drivers training? (Although she wont be able to take it since she'll be at his house all summer.)

- - - Updated - - -

Also, when I lived there with him, I was not allowed to answer the telephone unless it was my parents calling. I was also not allowed to leave the house by myself. If I wanted to go to the grocery store, I had to take the baby. If I wanted to go to a rummage sale, they had to come with me or I wasn't allowed to go. Believe me, there is a real control issue there.

And who leaves their daughter in a hotel room with her brother in NYC and leaves for "30 minutes" (which was over 2 hours in real time), and then takes her to Times Square after 11pm? That doesn't sound like spending quality time with her if you ask me. I would have taken her with me to the reception or whatever he was going to but apparently that was more important than spending time with her. Never mind that he wont' see her again for 6 months...

What Dad does during his parenting time is really up to him.

But before we go further, please confirm:

Is there, or is there not, an order from VA relating to custody/visitation?

(let's forget child support at the moment)

Yes. From 12 years ago after we'd moved out of state.

The question from this post is whether I am able to petition to move custody to the state of MI? Seems to me per the UCCJEA, I should be able to without VA disputing it. I'm not looking to terminate his parental rights or even give him less time with her, but she is getting older and things change. There is no reason he cannot visit her in MI. Even when he worked for the airlines and could fly for free, he didn't come to see her. We left in August and he did not see her until the court ordered him to do so in March or April of the following year. All I want to do is change the state the order is in and modify it. We cannot go by the old order as it is, so why can it not be moved to the state the child has resided in for 95% of her life?

I suggest you move back to VA. Other than that, you will continue suffering for the choice you made to have a daughter and marry until she is 18 or you relinquish custody. The fact you are unhappy is moot. You elect to continue staying in MI and not relocating to lessen the burden.

It's actually the exact opposite.

There is an order out of VA. The UCCJEA says this:

Quote:

---

Exclusive, continuing jurisdiction. The UCCJEA adopted a rule of exclusive, continuing jurisdiction similar to that in the PKPA.57 Under the UCCJEA, an original decree court that exercised jurisdiction consistent with the Act has exclusive, continuing jurisdiction to modify its decree until one of the following occurs:

The original decree court loses significant connection jurisdiction.
The child, the child's parents, and any person acting as the child's parent no longer live in the State.

---

Since Dad has remained in the state where the order was made, jurisdiction stays in VA.

Have you bothered to talk to Dad about it? Any chance he'd agree?

Hahaha! You just don't get it at all.

I was never a resident of VA. I was a flight attendant working for the airlines. My home state was and always has been MI. Also, we were never married.

I'm very happy with my life. My daughter, however is not. Which is the reason for my question.