How to Get Custody of a Child Born Following an Affair

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California

This a a bit long so please bear with me. I am going to refer to myself as Ashley (not my real name). I am 22.years old and have been married to my husband (I am going to call him M) since I was 18. This past summer M asked for a divorce. We separated but did not file any paperwork yet. During that time M started dating a girl, L. They dated and M went back and forth between wanting to be with me and wanting to work things out with her. In october we decited to work things out only to find that L is pregnant. He tried to make things work with L but she made it impossible. Going as far as physically assaulting him. M and I are still hoping to work things out but he also wants to try and gain full custody of his baby once the child is born. L is irresponsible, and unfit to be a monther. She drives drunk all the time and finds it funny she hasn't been caught. Doesn't keep up her hygine. Has a medical condition (copd) that she doesn't even take care of.

Also my hopes would be to try abd eventually adopt the baby if Mband I are going to be together.bwhat can we do? Where should we start?

Oh boy. Let's take this step by step.

The court is going to wonder why Dad approved her to be the Mommy of his child if she's so unfit - how does he intend to answer that?

Her hygiene is nobody else's business but her own. Ditto her health conditions.

So when the child is born, the first thing he needs to do is establish paternity. He can actually start that before the child is born, and he can find info here: http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-parentage.htm

Once paternity is established, he has the right to file for custody, visitation and/or child support.

Here are some examples of what makes a parent unfit:

The parent marries the local pedophile
The parent deliberately harms or neglects the child
The parent operates a meth lab in the home of the child

Examples of things which do not prove the parent is unfit:

Not wanting to bathe every day
Forgetting to brush your teeth
Preferring natural remedies over traditional remedies for their own healthcare.

See where we're going here?

With regards to adoption, unless Mom agrees it's just not going to happen - so let's forget that for now.

With all of that being said, once paternity is established she and Dad stand equal before the court. Unfortunately for Dad, as a practical matter we're still operating (somewhat) on the belief that an infant is better off with Mommy unless Mommy is unfit.

So what's Dad got?

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(Just want to add - this does NOT mean that Dad has no chance, or that he shouldn't try. But he's got to be realistic, too)

Dad did not approve her to be a parent. Condom broke and dad doesn't not believe in abortion.

She has a problem with alcohol. Before she was pregnant she would drink heavily and then drive drunk finding it funny. She would call herself a "proud alcholic" We have been told by several people she has been drinking during her pregnancy. Been going out to bars as well.

She is homeless by choice she chose to move from here and live in her car. She is angry and violent and was taken to jail for the night after assulting M, while pregnant. She has admitted several time she believe she is unfit to be a monther but wants to punish M by her keeping the child. She says she wants to never let him see his child to make him suffer.

When dad stuck his penis inside her vagina (one, that you admit she doesn't keep clean) he approved her to be a parent. Really, your descriptions of her don't make your husband sound like he's the sanest character in the world...

Having uncontrolled COPD doesn't make her unfit. You can't prove the rest of your allegations... and you're not going to be getting custody of her baby. Not gonna happen unless she attempts to kill the baby first.

Now, your husband can go into court, establish paternity, establish a child support order and coparent his child WITH THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD, leaving his wife out of all decision making.

Her being homeless isn't an issue?

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Quoting FatherKnowsBest

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Her being homeless isn't an issue?

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Unless they're homeless living in a park, no. There are plenty of homeless people in the world and living in homeless shelters. It's fine.

That's interesting, i knew that the size and 'quality' of accommodations didn't matter in a custody case, i just didn't know that having NO accommodations wouldn't be an issue and to be honest, i have no idea how homeless shelters work.

Thank you

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Quoting ashleypond

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She is homeless by choice she chose to move from here and live in her car. She is angry and violent and was taken to jail for the night after assulting M, while pregnant. She has admitted several time she believe she is unfit to be a monther but wants to punish M by her keeping the child. She says she wants to never let him see his child to make him suffer.

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seriously ashley, take a chill pill and step way back. This is not going to be a big victory for dad. Unless mom is proven unfit, she will have initial physical custody of he child so she can breastfeed. Not sure if California gives any overnights during the first year. If so, they will be minimal.

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Quoting jk

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seriously ashley, take a chill pill and step way back. This is not going to be a big victory for dad. Unless mom is proven unfit, she will have initial physical custody of he child so she can breastfeed. Not sure if California gives any overnights during the first year. If so, they will be minimal.

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They do and sometimes (I said sometimes) they aren't minimal. My cousin got a 60/40 split with his 3 month old.

HOWEVER, he was there since day 1 even while not cohabitating. If Ashley doesn't get it under control, mom could make dad getting to see his baby very difficult, especially considering the courts are backed up

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Quoting ashleypond

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Dad did not approve her to be a parent. Condom broke and dad doesn't not believe in abortion.

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If he's against abortion he has the absolute right not to have one.

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She has a problem with alcohol. Before she was pregnant she would drink heavily and then drive drunk finding it funny. She would call herself a "proud alcholic" We have been told by several people she has been drinking during her pregnancy. Been going out to bars as well.

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Perhaps Dad should ignore "several people". It's none of their business and as of right this second? None of his, either.

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She is homeless by choice she chose to move from here and live in her car. She is angry and violent and was taken to jail for the night after assulting M, while pregnant. She has admitted several time she believe she is unfit to be a monther but wants to punish M by her keeping the child. She says she wants to never let him see his child to make him suffer.

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Well, you have to understand her point a little bit.

Your husband screwed around with her, and there's a better-than-excellent chance he fed her every lie in the book including the obvious "I'm in love with you and I'll leave my wife". Doesn't make her a Princess, but yeah.

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Quoting FatherKnowsBest

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That's interesting, i knew that the size and 'quality' of accommodations didn't matter in a custody case, i just didn't know that having NO accommodations wouldn't be an issue and to be honest, i have no idea how homeless shelters work.

Thank you

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Yeap, parents in shelters can have custody of their children.

Even if that wasn't the case, it wouldn't help Dad. Because the very *second* she's hit with a paternity suit, she'll suddenly have much more reliable living arrangements.

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One more thing.

Though Ashley is coming across as overbearing and interfering, I'd bet my last donut hole that Dad is STILL feeding Mom bunch of crap and another bowl full of promises. And doing the same with Ashley.

The only practical advice I can give to Ashley is this:

Run. Now. Get your stuff together, and leave this idiot. Because that wasn't the first time he cheated, and it sure as heck won't be the last time. Ashley needs to be with someone who actually gives a damn about her - because her husband sure as hell doesn't.