Ex Doesn't Honor His Visitation Rights

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: IL

My five year old sons dad doesn't honor his visitation rights...and they were only made because at the time he still lived at his grandmas house-and she (exs grandma) pushed it on him, it took him 5 months after not seeing him that long to finally go down and file for them.-enough nagging from her.

He doesn't come see him, pick him up, or even text me on holidays.

We have court ordered visitation days and my son and family live on this court ordered visitation schedule ONLY when his dad decides to enforce it.

In example, I could have family plans all day for a holiday, because NORMALLY we don't ever hear from his dad, but when his dad decides to try to be "father of the year" he suddenly will want him and it throws off all plans, routine and expectations for my son and my family. We are living at his convenience. This is not fair to my son or any of my family.

My ex's grandma who raised him will make every excuse in the world for why he doesn't see our son, and will even tell my son "your daddy cant come because he has to be at work to make your mom money." or "your daddy didn't come see you, because your mom didn't let you stay long enough" --Trying to blame it on me now that thats why he don't come.



Because I think its important he be involved with his other half of his family, on days when his dad is suppose to be spending time with him, I let him go with my ex's grandma...But after hearing those two excuses ^^ just stated above, I am not allowing her to pick him up.



I try to keep peace for my son's sake, but he is not happy for the right reasons. He is allowed to play bloody realistic zombie games such as "dead trigger" and "call of duty, black OPs zombie"..which are both purely adult games and not for a 5 year old.

I already have a text from his dad stating, "my wife and daughters come first." -When I told him how upset my son was when he(dad) was only over at his grandmas for a little bit and only played one game with him.

So my question is...Since he doesn't honor his visitation rights will it be pretty easy for me to have them changed to either limited or not at all?

The purpose of visitation is to set routine shared visitation and time for my son, but instead my son is dissapointed and told lies/excuses by his grandma and then appeased by his grandma with horrible video games to keep him happy because his dad doesn't come. As my son gets older he is questioning it more and now i've been thrown into the mix of being blamed as well for why he doesn't come.


I am not trying to take him from his dad, his dad has already done that. Now I am wanting my son to have better structure and routine in his life, not get pulled out of routine and plans when his dad decides to or have excuses being given to him every time, or be told he will be there next time and then be dissapointed over and over. It's not healthy and its given my son anxiety and hes come to the point of crying and telling me his dad only came over for a little bit to play one game with him once. The question of having a male role model isn't an issue either, as my fiance has been my sons role model and he calls him dad since he was 7 months old.-My son is now 5 years old.

You cannot take his rights from him. That's why they're called "rights".

If he takes the boy as rarely as you claim, my suggestion is to leave things be. If you try to reduce his time with his child, he may retaliate by becoming "father of the year" again, and taking him every chance he gets. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like that either.

I can understand the frustration, Mom - but Mmmagique makes an excellent point.

For what it's worth, video games are nothing but a parenting difference. Don't bring it up in court - you'll be the one looking foolish, not Dad. And be careful that Dad is okay with kiddo calling your fiance, "Dad".

The bottom line is that the courts are generally extremely reluctant to force the issue of the NCP's visitation. Even if it means he comes and goes whenever he wants.

Unfortunately, I have to agree. There is a HUGE difference between a "right" and an "obligation". Dad has the RIGHT to visitation. That in no way means he's obligated to use it, or use it to any degree of frequency, or even to use it routinely or within any other boundaries. Just because we all might agree that yes, that would be what's best for the child, that won't change the legal reality that children don't have a right to what's best, nor can the courts push or pressure dad to be more interactive. If dad has gone some substantial length of time (think a year or more) with no or extremely minimal contact, then you can always ask the court to reduce time - but the reality is that courts don't want to do that. They want to leave the door open to encourage parent/child interaction, not close doors. It's sad that dad's lack of involvement results in disappointment to your son, but it's a reality that he's going to have to learn to cope with. If he's having difficulty, then it's time to consider getting him some assistance (speak to a counselor at school, they can point you in the right direction).

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The question of having a male role model isn't an issue either, as my fiance has been my sons role model and he calls him dad since he was 7 months old.-My son is now 5 years old.

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THIS is going to bit you in the butt BIG. If you are thinking about taking this matter before the court, be prepared for the judge to take a HUGE crap all over you. Your fiance is NOT "dad". The child HAS a father. Maybe not the best, but his father nonetheless, and you allowing him to call your fiance "dad" is going to give dad a bagfull of ammo against you should these issues get before a court. (Really, all these years and the man you let your child call "dad" hasn't even made the committment to your "family" to marry you???? Yet you want the court to come down on dad for his lack of committment?)

Think about how this'll play out in court:

Judge: how come you spend so little time with your child?

Dad: he thinks his mom's boyfriend of many years is his dad, and even calls him "dad" - and it breaks my heart (insert academy award winning acting performance here)

Judge: big raging glare in mom's direction, because guess who is the "bad guy" now?

I agree with everyone else, assuming that dad not exercising his visitation means that grandma is not exercising dad's visitation in dad's place. While I wouldn't cut off all contact between grandma and the child, I certainly would not allow grandma to exercise dad's visitation if grandma cannot handle things properly.

Thanks for all the replies. It helps to get advice outside of my own shoes or family.

It is truly frustrating. I will for now one not allow my ex's grandma to be exercising my ex's rights. She is no where in the court visitation papers. I do feel that it will be okay to allow visiting time with them, one day a week.

Another disturbing matter is, my ex is in the process of adopting another child as his own, going up against his wife's ex. It is very annoying considering he doesn't even see his own, let alone, trying to adopt his wifes child now as his own.

Right now it really does work in my favor, ultimately, but sitting back and doing what I am suppose to be doing, as my child sees, and his dad doing as he does, when my son gets older he will see and understand who is there and who is not. Its just so upsetting watching disappointment after disappointment.

Calling my fiance dad, was something that happened because a child was left without reassurance of a male role model and having that empty spot. My other son is my fiances son and my boys are very close in age. Being toddler and a baby growing up together, the man who was always there, who they always seen, who supported and took care of us all - was dad.(my fiance). How was I to explain that?...No your dads the guy that you never see.? I totally get where you are coming from tho, how easily played my ex could do that. Thank you for that insight.

As far as my son calling a man dad that hasn't even committed to myself, that is on my part, I don't believe legal marriage is something that makes a couple, too many get divorced as soon as they are married. I have put it off, if we're happy, theres no reason to be making legal bindings that can make things messy if we were to become unhappy - hence past experience with my ex.

Anyways - I am hesitant to meet with my family lawyer now...Maybe just save the couple hundred dollars.

I am however, frustrated that he does get to claim our son on income taxes on odd number years - when he doesn't even see him, or act a parent. But he gets the parent "perks".

Any changing that?

I just always thought that the visitation order and such had to be in the best interest of the child, how is it in the best interest of the child if he is continually set up for failure and disappointed by a dad who is never there? It's a cut every time. He's better off not having to deal with the rejection. And if dad doesn't care anyways---

I have already received text messages stating, "my wife and daughters come first" - and with him in the middle of a adoption, I almost feel that if I was to petition courts to modify visitation, he may just give in, just to appease his wife, and have one less thing to deal with, because he already doesn't want to deal with him. And another odd thing that happened after I posted this was I haven't received child support in a month now - not that it is affecting me or my son.

How about, "Your Dad is the one who made you, and (name) loves you just like a Daddy".

Not so hard.

Wouldn't that be confusing, considering children know, daddys are loving caring people, that spend time with you, dinner, sports, homework, cartoons-family shows/movies, commercials, -enforce it everyday. I know how i felt growing up without my dad there, and being raised with my cousins, i felt left out she had her dad and called her dad, I called them uncle as I was older when I had met him. I grew up with an empty spot because he was never there, I just wanted to be included and have that "wholesome" feeling of using the word "dad". Thats what kids care about. I can see where it'd "bite me in the butt" in court if my ex decided to play on that note...But I'm trying my best.

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As far as my son calling a man dad that hasn't even committed to myself, that is on my part, I don't believe legal marriage is something that makes a couple, too many get divorced as soon as they are married. I have put it off, if we're happy, theres no reason to be making legal bindings that can make things messy if we were to become unhappy - hence past experience with my ex.

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so that means there is even less reason for your son to call your BF daddy. Marriage does make a HUGE difference to the courts in situations involving the children. As far as the courts are concerned, right now, your BF is simply today's BF. There is no attachment. That is why the courts do not allow adoptions by an unmarried significant other.

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I know how i felt growing up without my dad there, and being raised with my cousins, i felt left out she had her dad and called her dad, I called them uncle as I was older when I had met him. I grew up with an empty spot because he was never there, I just wanted to be included and have that "wholesome" feeling of using the word "dad". Thats what kids care about.

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Oh. so you really do want your son to consider your BF as "dad". Your son has a dad and it isn't your bf.

The court may also see this as a case of having your cake and eating it too.

You want your boyfriend to be the Dad figure - but you don't want to show the court that yes, we're committed to each other legally.

The past two posts...not even what I am here for - thread has gone too OT now. Thanks.

You have some problems. First, as you have already been told, you are not going to be able to force dad to exercise his rights. The other is it appears it is you that is causing a lot Of the problems. If dad isn't typically at grandma's house, which is apparently where the child goes during dad's visitation time, stop making this a big "time to see dad" issue and a "let's go to grandma's house" time. It is you that is putting the expectation of seeing dad into the kids head. I suspect if you would help
grandma figure out ways to entertain the child, the visits with grandma with occasional appearances by dad could become very enjoyable times for the child. I know my grandchildren love coming to my house (the parents have an intact marriage). You seem to be the one causing the problems more than dad is.

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Quoting jk

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You have some problems. First, as you have already been told, you are not going to be able to force dad to exercise his rights. The other is it appears it is you that is causing a lot Of the problems. If dad isn't typically at grandma's house, which is apparently where the child goes during dad's visitation time, stop making this a big "time to see dad" issue and a "let's go to grandma's house" time. It is you that is putting the expectation of seeing dad into the kids head. I suspect if you would help
grandma figure out ways to entertain the child, the visits with grandma with occasional appearances by dad could become very enjoyable times for the child. I know my grandchildren love coming to my house (the parents have an intact marriage). You seem to be the one causing the problems more than dad is.

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While thats a nice assumption, since your a grandparent yourself, its his grandma that does the expectation of seeing dad and causes the disappointment - before he comes home, "next time daddy will be here."-grandma likes to state this loud and proud in front of me.... or "your mom should of let you stay longer so your dad could of came" --which my son comes home blaming me that he didnt see his dad because it was time for him to come home....or "your dad cant be here because he has to work to give your mom money"---another nice thing to hear from your son so he can again blame you for the reason his dad didnt show up - when its just an excuse.

I almost laughed when I seen your post.

I highly doubt I am the one causing problems.

I am trying to make changes because I don't want to see my son unhappy. I thought it was doing him just fine "hanging with grandma" and overlooking her immaturity of stupid excuses for his dad- even the ones that blamed me, as long as my son was happy, but after the emotionally expressed sadness that my son has now been displaying as hes getting older for his dad -hes no longer happy.

His dad USED to live there and see him after he moved out- up until the past two years, until he got a wife who doesn't like it- and has two more children now. - So going to grandmas, he's learned to expect dad before he could even talk. - either way if "hey lets go see grandma and pops" - hes always had his dad there too.

You best start teaching kiddo that happiness is never a guarantee. If you don't, he's going to sink once he becomes an adult ;)

Yep, sure. Its all grandma's fault but before that it was ex's fault. I really like the part where you got upset when dad disturbs your plans you made with the child by exercising his visitation rights. I guess if dad and grandma dropped dead you would be happy since faux dad could step right in with no need to attempt to usurp dad's rights like you are now doing.

i expect dad has a very different description of the events you describe.

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Quoting jk

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Yep, sure. Its all grandma's fault but before that it was ex's fault. I really like the part where you got upset when dad disturbs your plans you made with the child by exercising his visitation rights. I guess if dad and grandma dropped dead you would be happy since faux dad could step right in with no need to attempt to usurp dad's rights like you are now doing.

i expect dad has a very different description of the events you describe.

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:smug: lol...please