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Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance

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  • 09-25-2013, 02:54 AM
    Dark_Angel
    Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    My question involves paternity law for the State of: I currently reside in Kansas; Paternity in Kansas, Rhode Island, Michigan.

    First, I was married for 10 years to a woman who decided to leave myself and our three children for a man in her home state. I have sole custody of the three children she left behind. She hardly contacts them anymore, and has not been back to visit. There is no question on this issue, just back story.

    Second, I was more recently with a woman who was supposed to be incapable of conceiving a child, but wanted one. I knowingly and willingly...helped her conceive. My name is not on the birth certificate. I care about this woman, but circumstances prevented us from being a couple, and indeed I'm not certain our personalities would have worked in a long term relationship. I have been sending her $400 per month for about 3.5 years, unforced in any way. However, it is my understanding she is receiving state assistance in Rhode Island. Which brings me to...

    Third, about a year ago, I began a relationship with a girl that I intended to stay with. However, I made it very plain I had no intention toward marriage nor children at that time, while I was willing to consider discussing it in the future. We used several different forms of birth control, avoiding having a child to confuse the older children from my marriage. However, she was somewhat forceful on the child angle, and one day when we had no contraceptives, she was very insistent about intercourse. After resisting, arguing, and her crying, I gave in. I was later bothered enough that we did not again partake for weeks, during which time she did indeed turn up pregnant. After the birth of our child who predictably has my name on the birth certificate, she started exhibiting some very peculiar behavioral changes, becoming very possessive over my time, habits, and spending hours yelling at me about anyone including family that I spent time with, and about wanting to get married. After the yelling came the crying, while I would devote this time to trying to assuage her emotions and calm her down. All of this caused us to finally separate. She filed for child support less than 10 hours later.

    About a month ago, she was diagnosed with Bi-Polarism, while my independent studies suggest that Borderline Personality Disorder is a more likely culprit, especially due to her childhood traumas.

    My question is this: My resources are not infinite. I provide for my children (the ones from my marriage), and the one I fathered (voluntarily), and now am understandably expected to provide for this new child. Should I report myself as the father of the child in Rhode Island? Or will that harm the financial status of the mother, who has not been employed since before the birth of the child? Does the conception of the newest child count as reproductive abuse, what mitigating role does the mother's mental state play? I am fairly certain I have always given the mother in Rhode Island as much, or more depending on her needs, than would have been "required by law". But no good deed goes unpunished, and so I fathered a child I never intended to make, cold as that sounds. I really have no emotional attachment to my most recent child, only a sense of shame, remorse, and betrayal. Please help with any suggestions you believe to be pertinent.

    Personal Note: I have performed significant amounts of research. I know what the more "vocal public opinion" is of "people like me". This is how I feel about me. I love my kids. I do everything I can for them. And I care about my child in Rhode Island. I do not want anything bad to happen to her. I would have lived like this indefinitely. This new female, who thought to "trap" a responsible, respectable, hard working man upsets me so much, I can only think of her child as her child. I only feel sorry for and pity this little one. The mother never even considered the child's welfare when I was around. The child slept in our bed for months, despite my many objections due to her "not wanting to go to another room if **** awoke in the middle of the night" as an example. I do not see myself as a bad person. I see myself as a used person, for the next 18 years.
  • 09-25-2013, 02:58 AM
    Dogmatique
    Re: Child Support Issue
    There is no such animal as reproductive abuse. You chose to have sex. Sex makes babies.

    You will be responsible for supporting ALL of your children, per each State's guidelines.

    That's really all there is to it.

    And seriously - you weren't "trapped" .
  • 09-25-2013, 06:15 AM
    Mr. Knowitall
    Re: Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    Quote:

    Quoting Dark_Angel
    View Post
    Should I report myself as the father of the child in Rhode Island? Or will that harm the financial status of the mother, who has not been employed since before the birth of the child?

    When the state finds out who you are it will pursue child support. If you're supporting your child you're better off doing it properly rather than paying now and paying again when the state seeks reimbursement.
    Quote:

    Quoting Dark_Angel
    Does the conception of the newest child count as reproductive abuse

    Not here on Earth.
    Quote:

    Quoting Dark_Angel
    ....what mitigating role does the mother's mental state play?

    Why do you imagine that the mother's diagnosis has any relevance to your duty to support your child? Welcome to Earth.
    Quote:

    Quoting Dark_Angel
    I really have no emotional attachment to my most recent child, only a sense of shame, remorse, and betrayal. Please help with any suggestions you believe to be pertinent.

    Perhaps you would benefit from counseling.
    Quote:

    Quoting Dark_Angel
    I do not see myself as a bad person. I see myself as a used person, for the next 18 years.

    I'm surprised that, after already having four children, you still weren't aware how babies were made when this evil woman tricked you.
  • 09-25-2013, 10:32 PM
    Dark_Angel
    Re: Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    In is infinitely interesting to me that in the most extreme cases, for example the two doctors that engaged in oral intercourse, and the female retained the result and impregnated herself, the man had no legal recourse. Yet it is a correct statement that women have significant control over choices affecting them both. I cannot control anything that happens after conception, and this bothers me.

    I am equally surprised at the level of vehemence contained herein. I have taken responsibility for my actions thus far. In this specific instance, a very recent development, I am...unsatisfied with the entire situation. The replies seem to indicate that I have done something underhanded. My not being identified as the father wasn't my choice. I took care of my obligations as I saw them. And I take care of my children of course.

    Men can be trapped. But now my thread asking for advice from a legal standpoint has been hijacked into some sort of moral counseling. I saw no references whatsoever to law, but certainly plenty of finger wagging.

    If that is the basis of this forum, then I clearly came to the wrong place.
  • 09-25-2013, 11:01 PM
    Dogmatique
    Re: Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    Quote:

    Quoting Dark_Angel
    View Post
    In is infinitely interesting to me that in the most extreme cases, for example the two doctors that engaged in oral intercourse, and the female retained the result and impregnated herself, the man had no legal recourse. Yet it is a correct statement that women have significant control over choices affecting them both. I cannot control anything that happens after conception, and this bothers me.

    I am equally surprised at the level of vehemence contained herein. I have taken responsibility for my actions thus far. In this specific instance, a very recent development, I am...unsatisfied with the entire situation. The replies seem to indicate that I have done something underhanded. My not being identified as the father wasn't my choice. I took care of my obligations as I saw them. And I take care of my children of course.

    Men can be trapped. But now my thread asking for advice from a legal standpoint has been hijacked into some sort of moral counseling. I saw no references whatsoever to law, but certainly plenty of finger wagging.

    If that is the basis of this forum, then I clearly came to the wrong place.


    Legal standpoint:

    You will be obliged to support your children. Mom will NOT be penalized because you willingly had sex with her.


    If you want the laws to change, write your congressperson.

    Anything else?
  • 09-25-2013, 11:01 PM
    cbg
    Re: Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    Should I report myself as the father of the child in Rhode Island? Yes. Mr. K has explained why

    Or will that harm the financial status of the mother, who has not been employed since before the birth of the child? No. Why should it?

    Does the conception of the newest child count as reproductive abuse, Obviously not, since there is no such thing as reproductive abuse.

    what mitigating role does the mother's mental state play? See above
  • 09-26-2013, 03:32 PM
    SESmama
    Re: Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    If you are adamant about no more kids then get it snipped. Problem solved.
  • 09-26-2013, 03:55 PM
    LawResearcherMissy
    Re: Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    Quote:

    After resisting, arguing, and her crying, I gave in.
    Oh, sweetie, no. You were a willing participant. She didn't steal your penis under cover of night. The word NO is a useful one to know. In the alternative, you should have marched your ass down to the pharmacy, picked up Plan B One-Step, and stood over her while she took it. People who absolutely positively do not want children do not engage in unprotected sex.

    Quote:

    About a month ago, she was diagnosed with Bi-Polarism, while my independent studies suggest that Borderline Personality Disorder is a more likely culprit, especially due to her childhood traumas.
    Where is your degree in psychiatry from?

    Quote:

    what mitigating role does the mother's mental state play?
    ZERO. She could be Sybil, and it would not excuse you from your legal obligation to help support the child you helped make. Here you are, carrying on about "satisfying your obligations", but you're trying to weasel out of this one because the woman you chose to have unprotected sex with is mentally ill. Why should your child live in poverty because her mental illness makes you uncomfortable? You're not punishing her, you're punishing the child, who wasn't even asked for you two to bring him into the world.

    Quote:

    I am...unsatisfied with the entire situation.
    Why? It's a situation of your own making. Where in the world did you come up with this "reproductive abuse" nonsense? All she did was CRY, she didn't tie you to a chair and rape you.

    Quote:

    I saw no references whatsoever to law
    The law requires you to support your child. Period, end of story, no get out of support free because Mama is crazy.

    The mocking you for acting like a spoilt manchild is free of charge.
  • 09-26-2013, 05:03 PM
    FatherWhoWon
    Re: Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    Quote:

    Quoting LawResearcherMissy
    View Post
    In the alternative, you should have marched your ass down to the pharmacy, picked up Plan B One-Step, and stood over her while she took it.

    Excepting all of the rest, methinks that this tidbit only is very bad advice.
  • 09-26-2013, 05:27 PM
    LawResearcherMissy
    Re: Should the Father Identify Himself When the Mother is on Public Assistance
    How so? It's emergency contraception - levonorgestrel, in fact, a higher dose of the drug I take every single day. It simply prevents pregnancy from occurring by suppressing ovulation, it doesn't terminate an existing one or even harm an existing one.

    If you absolutely positively do not want children, you use contraception. If you're stupid enough to have sex without immediate contraception, there's still Plan B.
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