My question involves a child custody case from the State of: PA
LONG story short.. 2 kids (12 and almost 11 - within a month).
Primary custody with Mom and stepdad - this is home. Visitation (sparatic) with Dad and stepmom. They take them when its convenient for them.
She has always been mean to them - teasing them, badmouthing me, blaming them for things they didn't do, making them clean up HER older childrens mess, etc. Mainly behind Dads back, but earlier this year, he saw her in action when she screamed profanities at them, my 10 yr old specifically - she called him inappropriate names (for example, she called my 10 yr old a pussy!), threatened their Dad (one of many many times) and they were MORTIFIED! Their Dad agreed when he brought them back to me early the next day that there was obviously something wrong, and the kids did not need to be around her. (my daughter sent me a text message that night that read "Mom, *** and Dad are fighting, I'm afraid she is going to kill us, I love you and goodbye". This is not the first time they feared for their lives or their Dad's life. They love their Dad (he is very passive), but won't do anything about his wife. Now he is telling the kids they are making a huge deal out of nothing, get over it! (they kissed and made up, so the kids are supposed to just forgive and forget)
My younger child REFUSES to go to his Dad's if she is there. He refuses to be around her, he is afraid of her. And he's REALLY afraid now because she always says "Don't tell your Mom what happens at MY house!" and he did.
What do I do? I am not trying to keep the kids from their Dad.. please don't turn this into a bash against me, but he is LEGIT scared to go. HELP!
What to Do if a Child is Afraid of His Stepparent
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08-28-2013, 10:53 AMyomamaWhat to Do if a Child is Afraid of His Stepparent
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08-28-2013, 10:56 AMDogmatiqueRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
Get him into counseling.
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08-28-2013, 11:00 AMAntigoneRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About ItDid you call the police when you got that text several months ago, if you believed the children were in danger?Quote:
Quoting yomama
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08-28-2013, 11:08 AMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
Great question about the police - I did not. Here is why; I was in communication with my daughter (via text). We were online all night (the stepmother made them all get all of their belongings in one room - including their Dad, so they were all together - and Dad stayed up all night with the kids. I was afraid that if I called the police, and they showed up there, that it would make it worse (they are hours and hours away at this point) - if you have ever dealt with an abuser - when you call the police, it gets worse (then the police leave because all she did was threaten them, and there is no grounds to do anything, THEN she really goes off - I grew up with an abuser, I know how this works - and I also know how it feels to fear for your life at the hands of an adult that is supposed to protect you!).
I am getting him into counseling - he did see his counselor at school several times last school year.
So far he hasn't made him go to his house, but I know he is getting annoyed - like I said, they kissed and made up, he forgot or refuses to deal with how she treats our kids - I guess we need to go back to court?? What age do the kids get any say at all? -
08-28-2013, 11:14 AMAntigoneRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About ItNothing and no one would have stopped me from calling the police and heading over there to pick up my kids that night if all is as you say it was. - I'm jes sayin...Quote:
Quoting yomama
You don't need to go to court if you both can work something out. Otherwise that may be your only option. -
08-28-2013, 11:19 AMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
I hear what you are saying about calling the police.. but what do I say "She called my kids names and yelled at them!" -- they live 5 hrs away, what am I going to do, drive out there, lose communications with them during that time and hope for the best? I made what I thought was the best decision at the time. And I would say the same thing you said if ANYONE else would have given me this scenario - but knowing what i know about abusers - knowing that it could have set her off, I chose not to do that. You know the police won't do a dang thing if nothing happened yet. -- I guess my question more is this; should I file an emergency case or just run it thru my lawyer?
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08-28-2013, 11:29 AMDogmatiqueRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
Calling the kids names and yelling isn't nice, but it's not illegal either.
I'm not seeing an emergency here, either. -
08-28-2013, 11:33 AMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
That is why I did not call the police - they won't arrest her simply because she is a jerk. Ok.. then I just need to contact my attorney. I just don't know what to do. He is so stressed about the possibility of having to go back there - he is really struggling with this. ahh.
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08-28-2013, 12:48 PMAntigoneRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About ItDoggie, I'm sorry but if I get a text from my daughter telling me "Mom, *** and Dad are fighting, I'm afraid she is going to kill us, I love you and goodbye" and I am five hours away, you better believe I am calling the police!Quote:
Quoting Dogmatique
If that is not an emergency I don't know what is! -
08-28-2013, 01:04 PMDogmatiqueRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
If the daughter is old enough to text you, I'd hope she'd call 911 before texting anyone.
And my cynical button is wondering how much is tween angst. -
08-29-2013, 12:52 PMChedeRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
You better believe I would be calling 911 as well if my daughter text me that she feared for her life. After I tell her to also dial 911 immediately.
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08-29-2013, 01:29 PMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
Chede; I hear you.. I do.. and like I said.. if ANYONE else would have given me this scenario, I would have said "What, are you an IDIOT for not calling the cops!" BUTTTT.... I continued texting with her.. her Dad was with her.. her brother was there.. they were instructed that if the adults started fighting to get out of there. I don't know if you have any experience with abusers, I hope not, BUT.. she gets set off very easily - and if the police would have been called, she would have acted fine while they were there.. say "Oh, she's just being dramatic, all is fine!" and the cops would have left. THEN she would have lost her mind. The WORST part is even though my ex knows she's insane, he would never admit it to the police, because HE is afraid of her! Its a tricky situation.. the cops would not have done a damn thing - it would have made it worse. If they were not 5 hrs away, I would have probably handled it differently. You don't poke a crazy bear. Seriously! ** she has a cell phone, they don't know the address, they are never there, once a month, sometimes, if he feels like getting them, they dont' know what directtions to give.. its not a smart phone with GPS.. its an old crappy analog phone.. so the stepmother would have heard her calling the police and stopped her before she even got her name out.. I took both sides into consideration.. I did.. you can judge.. that's fine. I did what I thought was best for my kids.. I KNOW the cops wouldn't have done anything.. if they did everytime some kids said "I'm scared my Dad is gonna kill me cause I got an F".. that is all they'd do.
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08-29-2013, 01:47 PMChedeRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
From your statements, dad is not protecting the children. Period. You are lucky you are not sitting at home wondering why you never called the police because of something that could have happened. And it has, unfortunately. Because the children are not being protected. Take EVERYTHING out of it (emotion, etc)... DAD IS NOT PROTECTING THE CHILDREN. PERIOD. While you are letting the children stand by and be emotionally (and physcially) scarred. I get where you are coming from, but I will also tell you that IT HAS HAPPENED. ... Break the cycle, get the kids in to a therapist (not just a school counselor) and tell your children to CALL 911 when it happens again, because you know it will and you also know that DAD will not do a darn thing to stop it.
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08-30-2013, 04:35 AMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
Oh, I am.. getting them into counseling - and addressing those issues on our end here at home - and TRUST ME.. I thank god every day that nothing has happened there.. my issue is LEGALLY - we have a court order that says he gets them once a month.. although a few months ago when this all happened, he told the kids they did not have to come back to his house if they were afraid.. and now he is going back on that. If I don't send them, I can be held in contempt, which I'm not that worried about, but I don't want it to look bad when I do go to court. Everyone says they have no say (the kids) - and the only one that CAN protect them is Dad when they are there, and he won't. I just don't know where to turn. I can get statements from 25 people that my kids have told what goes on there - I have the texts - but I am afraid that Dad will say "Oh, the kids were making a big deal out of nothing" when he KNOWS it wasn't 'nothing'. It is very easy to say "Oh, I just wouldn't send them".. but I HAVE to.. its the law.. if he wants to exercise his right to visitation, then what can I do? - as for calling 911 - only phone in the house are cells - hers has no GPS.. I can tell her to call 911 - and I do - like I told my son when he was 8 and he'd be out riding his bike and come back to his house and they were gone.. note on the microwave - dinner in the microwave, hit start - be back later, went to Aldi (after 9 pm on a summer night).. EIGHT! - ahhh. I guess I need to get my documents together, go see my lawyer and see what I can do! I want the kids to see DAD - THEY want to see Dad.. they just don't want to see her - ever. But how do I prove all of this!?? I mean, they won't just take my word.. if that's the case, then every kid who gets pissed off at their parents could say "Oh, I am afraid of them.. I ain't goin back!"
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10-10-2013, 03:59 AMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
** UPDATE ** after going through our pediatrician.. then the diagnostic center at our local Children's hospital, and then FINALLY to a Psychiatrist, they have determined that due to years of mental and verbal abuse by step mom.. and the fact that the child is scared to death that she is going to hurt or kill his Dad, they have come up with a diagnosis and treatment plan. I thanked the doc and said "Well, we are on the right track, at least until he has to go back to her house" and the doc said "Oh no, he is under MY psychiatric care for a condition caused by HER.. I will get involved, he is NOT to be around her". Can't wait to see how THAT goes over in court. (Note; he has not attempted to really reach the kids in months now.. I guess he made his choice)
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10-10-2013, 05:07 AMmmmagiqueRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
I think you will have an interesting time in court.
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10-10-2013, 05:50 AMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
Yeah.. I don't know WHAT will happen. He doesn't really bother with them a whole lot, and I keep track of ALL contact..
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11-07-2013, 01:29 PMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
Update: In therapy.. issues getting better.. doc said he is NOT to be around step Mom. If Dad pushes it, SHE will go to court. She is convinced Dad is in an abusive situation and fears that he WON'T take do what he needs to do to protect them if needed. I'll let you know if anything happens!
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11-07-2013, 01:39 PMDogmatiqueRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
The doctor is a mandated reporter. Why hasn't the doctor acted already?
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11-07-2013, 05:37 PMllworkingRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About ItI am not quite sure how to explain this...because its a little bit complicated (according to my sister who is a mandated reporter). Unless you are talking about a true criminal issue, where the perpetrator would almost automatically be arrested, or immediate protection is needed, there are some variables involved in mandated reporting. Mandated reporting is based on imminent danger to the child.Quote:
Quoting Dogmatique
So, if dad was local, and was insisting on his parenting time, a counselor might have to immediately report and immediately get CPS involved...and local CPS would have authority to act...even if the counselor didn't feel that making an immediate report meshed with the child's treatment...or would do any good.
In this instance mom has indicated that dad has not made any attempt to contact the children in months now...so the danger is not imminent...and obviously mom is going to take steps to protect the children if dad attempts to assert his visitation rights. So the counselor might not be obligated to make any immediate report.
I am not at all sure that I have explained that well...sigh...because I am not entirely certain that I completely understood what my sister explained to me. However the gist of it was "imminent harm"...or truly criminal activity. -
11-08-2013, 08:34 AMyomamaRe: - Child Afraid of His Stepmother- and Dad Won't Do a Thing About It
Exactly llworking! THank you for explaining that.. because you did a PERFECT job! Right now, Dad is not pushing to see him.. he even said he'd come to our area to see him - and I am TOTALLY fine with that.. Dad isn't the issue here, its Stepmom. Counselor said that IF he tries to have him around his wife, she will insist on supervised visitations.