My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California
I recently filed for physical and legal custody for my daughter. She has always lived with me, and I have always been responsible for her. Her father and I were never married. He is unemployed and has no vehicle. Nonetheless, I have always been very flexible with letting him see her whenever he wanted. Recently, his girlfriend (who works for CPS) has begun to relieve him of parental duties, such as taking her to the movies while dad watches sports and drinks beer. She's grown increasingly persistant and invasive. I'm glad she like my daughter, however, I feel her father should be the one spending time with her. Recently, he asked me if she could live with him for a year so he could be a stay at home dad and not help pay for daycare. I would consider this if he lived out of state, but since he is 20 minutes away, I declined. It was brought to my attention that since neither of us have filed for custody, that he could take her and move away, and I would not be able to do anything about it. It was also pointed out that if I were to let her go stay with him for an extended period of time, that he could file first and claim that she lives with him. Therefore, I have been avoiding contact with him, and have been keeping her here with me until we can get into mediation. He does speak with her on the phone.
My question is, if the parents were never married, and there is no custody order in place for anyone, what are the default laws?
Do I HAVE to give him visitation?
If I decide to err on the side of caution and withhold visitation until mediation, am I breaking the law?
If he were to go out of the county or state without my permission, or move away with her, could I call the police?
Also, how can I avoid the girlfriend in all of this? Restraining order? No contact order? Call her supervisor? She loves throwing her weight around by announcing her job title, and even calls my mother (???)! She talks for him, makes plans for my daughter, drives for for him, pays the bills for him, and cares for his child for him. That's great, but it's very frustrating that she has become the father. I think HE should be dealing with this.
I also want to note that there is no domestic violence. He's just trying to do what any other hobo would do.....find a way not to work or pay bills.
I love my daughter, own my own home, a car, and work VERY hard. Forgive me if I do not want to facilitate his scam by turning over my daughter to him.
I'd like to know if I'm reacting appropriately, or being paranoid. The laws that are in place during our "limbo" greatly affects my decisions.
I appreciate the feedback!
Thanks!
If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has Custody
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08-06-2013, 08:18 PMautumnfae23If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has Custody
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08-06-2013, 10:08 PMDogmatiqueRe: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has Custody
If there's one surefire way to force the issue, it's to call her supervisor (why that even came to mind is frankly beyond me - sorry, but who does that?!).
Then they'll get married and you'll NEVER be rid of her, or her influence.
Unless she's forcing kiddo to call her Mommy (BIG no-no) and/or using physical force on the child against BOTH parents' wishes, let that one go. You can't force him to be a good - or even "present" - Dad.
As to the rest no. Without a court order for visitation you don't have to allow any at all. -
08-06-2013, 10:15 PMDisagreeableRe: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has Custody
If no acknowledgment of paternity has been filed, she only has one legal parent. I suggest you just file and get the whole thing done.
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08-06-2013, 11:27 PMEA1070aRe: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has Custody
I would bring the girlfriend's employer into this situation IF, and only IF, the girlfriend is using her position to threaten, intimidate or harass you and / or your family members. And ONLY if there was written proof in the form of text messages, notes, letters, or emails or voice messages. Do NOT get sneaky and record her without her knowledge or permission, and by record I mean audio OR video of conversations. You will need some solid proof, and you can't use underhanded tactics to obtain it.
And even then, I would be more inclined to make the Court aware of any examples of the above prior to contacting her employer.
Realize, what you may deem throwing her weight around re: her job may simply be you reading between the lines.
Block her number and have your mom block her number.
As for the rest, read what Doggie wrote above. If paternity was never established and a custody / visitation order entered, you don't have to allow access. Do not be hostile or defensive with the mediator. Keep a cool head. File for support as well.
You have no basis for a no contact order to keep her away from your child once dad gets visitation unless she poses a risk of imminent harm to your daughter, and it doesn't sound like she does. She's simply making the mistake of inserting herself where she shouldn't, and some of us here have done that ourselves. Being dad's girlfriend or a stepparent is hard, and I promise you she probably won't realize the mistakes she's making here for a long time. That takes age, experience, maturity, and having a kid of your own.
If you can afford an attorney, retain one. -
08-07-2013, 06:39 AMautumnfae23Re: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has Custody
Thank you, thank you everyone! I think I will just simply ignore her, and avoid her at all costs. I was advised by a friend and another public worker to call her supervisor, but that may open up another can of worms. I've already started to avoid her phone calls and etc., and now it's really escalated for that reason. Perhaps it's getting to her.
As for visitation, my understanding that us not having parental rights goes both ways?
For example, if my daughter goes to visit him, because neither if us have parental rights, he is not required to release her to me when I go to pick her up, correct?
That is my fear. I want her to see him, but that very scenario is what is keeping me from having her go over there.
I didn't mention that he did call the police. Or, actually she did (she called as a CPS worker of course). The cop that came to my door told me that if I didn't let her see him, that he would come back and arrest me. How is it that the police don't know the law? How can I convey to the local police department that neither of us have paternity, therefore, I don't HAVE to let her go over there, and visa versa? Is there a document showing that we DONT have paternity? Because he wanted to take me in! -
08-07-2013, 09:14 AMllworkingRe: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has CustodyIf she really called the police, as a CPS caseworker, because you are not giving visitation to her boyfriend, then it really may be time to get her supervisor involved...because that was highly inappropriate. Did you tell the police officer that dad doesn't have any court orders for custody or visitation and that it was dad's girlfriend who called the police?Quote:
Quoting autumnfae23
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08-07-2013, 09:27 AMAntigoneRe: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has CustodyHold on a second!!! Why on earth do you believe that neither of you have parental rights????? At this point you are the ONLY one who does - don't let anyone make you believe anything different.Quote:
Quoting autumnfae23
Unless the man who claims to be her father, has actually been legally declared dad, he is not. You don't have to allow any type of visitation, much less to his overstepping girlfriend.
I'm sorry, I completely disagree with everyone. I would be on the phone with CPS and her supervisor in a heart beat. This overstepping B needs to be put in her place.
Know this - you do not have to allow CPS into your home. I might even suggest that when you sepak to her supervisor that you let them know if this woman contacts you again that you will retain counsel and that she and the department will be looking at legal action and harrassment charges. -
08-07-2013, 11:45 AMautumnfae23Re: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has Custody
I did, and actually HE was the one that told me she called. He even said " do you know what she does for a living?". I said yes, and he looked shocked that I didn't care. And why would I? My child isn't in danger, and I'm not on their case load. Anyhow, the officer asked why I have not let the father have contact with her, and I replied that I had just filed for custody, and I understood the law, since neither of us have it right now, he could keep her if I released her to him. He police officer went on to tell me that " As a man and a father, I think what you are doing is offensive" . I didn't know what to say. He went on to tell me that if I didn't let him see her, that he would be back, and that the law sees 50/50 custody in these matters when custody is not established. He said that I could be breaking the law by not letting him see her. I was taken aback because everything he was telling me was contradicting everything I was told about parental rights before.
I think the mistake the police officer made is that he interjected himself personally. He even said " if my wife tried to take my kids away from me, I'd...." I'm sure if I were married it would be 50/50, but we never were.
If neither of us currently have parental rights, should I call the police station to tell them WHY I'm not releasing her? That officer clearly didn't know the law, and even when I showed him the paperwork that I filed, all he could say was " well, that doesn't mean anything, he's got his own paperwork too. You are going to be served shortly too. He's got rights as the biological father. And if you don't let him see her, ill just keep coming back". What am I supposed to say to that?
As for her, yes, she is using her position to facilitate her boyfriends agenda. According to the officer, she called as a CPS worker. However, I have no written documentation to prove that. If I did call her supervisor would that force her to step aside? Or would just give me more headache? One of the main reasons I am looking forward to mediation is because he will be forced to face me alone, and we can truly come to a parenting agreement without her input. My understanding is that she cannot go unless there is an issue of domestic violence,which there is not. I feel that the more attention I give her, the more power I give her. I'm hoping that if I gnore her, she will eventually be shoved aside because her input won't matter.
Unless she uses her position again to disrupt the process. And what good will it do me if I do notify her supervisor? What will be the outcome? I certainly don't want to make things worse than they are.
Aye....what to do, what to do.... -
08-07-2013, 11:49 AMAntigoneRe: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has CustodyOMG - lady are you not listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Quoting autumnfae23
You are the ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY one with parental rights.
Why are you even seeking our advice if you are not even reading or comprehending our responses:wallbang::wallbang:
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08-07-2013, 11:57 AMllworkingRe: If Parents Were Never Married, Who Has CustodySeriously...if that cop shows up at the door again don't answer the door.Quote:
Quoting Antigone