My Wife is Abusive and Won't Cook For Me

My question involves a marriage in the state of: TEXAS

My narcissist wife (home maker) is threatening and abusing me for past 15 years. I have 2 children aged 13 and 8 year old son and daughter. Each 1 to 3 months time period, there will be 2 to 3 day of abuse. During this 2-3 day abuse time, Wife is emotionally very abusive like keeps giving temper tantrums in front of children for 2 hours each episode. She cooks food for herself and children and will not give me food.

Each abuse time she threatens to false report to police, threatens to take away children, demands divorce and is extremely critical of me. She hits me with hands, pull my shorts, throws cordless receiver on me etc in front of children. Despite all these happens elder kid tells me - Dad - you are wrong this why mother is doing this to you. Daughter is attached to me - she stays with me during this hard time and shows empathy. Son is just attached my mom the entire time and hardly shows any sort of empathy to me.

Is this marriage over ?

During other times when she is not abusing me, she abuses kids - yells at them, hits them if they don't get a good grade in school. However, Kids are attracted to mother anyway.

Wife did not cook for me since 2 days and I am like what should I do now?

Should I proactively report her abuse to cops ? I hate to see this family apart.

What is in my best interest - please advice.

Did anyone has this kind of situation and did you solve it ?

Yours sincerely,
Roger

So, she abused you several times, yet you decided to marry and procreate multiple times with a whack job. This might sound obvious, but pack your things up and move out.

Quote:

---

Quoting roger64

---

My question involves a marriage in the state of: TEXAS

My narcissist wife (home maker) is threatening and abusing me for past 15 years. I have 2 children aged 13 and 8 year old son and daughter. Each 1 to 3 months time period, there will be 2 to 3 day of abuse. During this 2-3 day abuse time, Wife is emotionally very abusive like keeps giving temper tantrums in front of children for 2 hours each episode. She cooks food for herself and children and will not give me food.

---

And you are incapable of fixing your own meals....why?

Quote:

---

Each abuse time she threatens to false report to police, threatens to take away children, demands divorce and is extremely critical of me. She hits me with hands, pull my shorts, throws cordless receiver on me etc in front of children. Despite all these happens elder kid tells me - Dad - you are wrong this why mother is doing this to you. Daughter is attached to me - she stays with me during this hard time and shows empathy. Son is just attached my mom the entire time and hardly shows any sort of empathy to me.

---

What happened when you called the cops to report her abusive behavior?

Quote:

---

Is this marriage over ?

---

That is your call. It's your life, it's your marriage. People on a message board can't make that decision for you.

Quote:

---

During other times when she is not abusing me, she abuses kids - yells at them, hits them if they don't get a good grade in school. However, Kids are attracted to mother anyway.

---

What happened when you called CPS to report the abuse?

Quote:

---

Wife did not cook for me since 2 days and I am like what should I do now?

---

I would hope you would fix your own food because you're a grown man.

Quote:

---

Should I proactively report her abuse to cops ? I hate to see this family apart.

What is in my best interest - please advice.

Did anyone has this kind of situation and did you solve it ?

Yours sincerely,
Roger

---

If you really believe abuse is happening, you should report it. You should call the cops for violence against you and CPS for violence against the children.

Children's services might be a problem because the OP could be accused of failing to protect the children if there is ongoing physical abuse and he knows about it.

I'd say it might be time to look into serious family counseling, or consult a divorce attorney.

If you tell the police she is abusing you by not cooking your meals they may arrest you. So leave that out it's not abuse and it casts an unfavorable light on the rest of the allegations which do sound criminal to me.

This story sounds awfully familiar. OP, did you post this question a few months ago on a different forum?

No, I am posting this for the first time. However I have been researching for solution for several years though.

- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

---

Quoting shortie

---

And you are incapable of fixing your own meals....why?



What happened when you called the cops to report her abusive behavior?




That is your call. It's your life, it's your marriage. People on a message board can't make that decision for you.



What happened when you called CPS to report the abuse?



I would hope you would fix your own food because you're a grown man.



If you really believe abuse is happening, you should report it. You should call the cops for violence against you and CPS for violence against the children.

---

I never called cops on her despite all these years of abuse thinking that I was in the wrong or may be its ok. This has only got my self confidence level to zero even considering suicide as a solution. Some how I fixed myself and came back with some strength.

Yes, I am preparing my food now but it simply does not feel right.

It doesn't feel right for you to fix your own food? A bit sexist, are we?

cbg - may be you are right. :)

I mean I get $ since 15 years and she chose to stay home and cook food. She had a choice of going to job as I work from home all days and she just chose to remain home and watch TV or surf internet. She just chooses not to cook only for me.

- - - Updated - - -

I get strong feeling that this family is not going to last long with so much going on for 15 years and so much hatred from wife. She tells me she is just living with me because she wants to her son to have a dad and their needs are taken care.

I see this heading to either of us calling to cops and CPS. My question is:

1. For simplicity - Assuming I get 100$ per month, how much alimony amount should I pay to wife and kids ?

2. Will judge give me any of the kids ?

3. What are my rights here ?

4. How long should I pay alimony ? I know she wont work as she never wanted to go to a job.

5. Are there any TX state specific laws that I should know ?

Thanks,
Roger

- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

---

Quoting cdwjava

---

Children's services might be a problem because the OP could be accused of failing to protect the children if there is ongoing physical abuse and he knows about it.

I'd say it might be time to look into serious family counseling, or consult a divorce attorney.

---

You are correct Java. However, wife will never agree for family counseling. She thinks she never did anything wrong. FYI - we may have over 500 arguments in 15 years and each time I was the one who has ended up apologizing and being a victim.

Quote:

---

Quoting roger64

---

1. For simplicity - Assuming I get 100$ per month, how much alimony amount should I pay to wife and kids ?

2. Will judge give me any of the kids ?

3. What are my rights here ?

4. How long should I pay alimony ? I know she wont work as she never wanted to go to a job.
5. Are there any TX state specific laws that I should know ?

---

You have all sorts of rights ... so does your wife. To understand what might occur in a divorce, speak with a divorce attorney. No one hear can predict what might or might not happen in an unknown fact set. we have no idea what your wife might say, or whether she will sue for custody, etc.

Quote:

---

You are correct Java. However, wife will never agree for family counseling.

---

Then you may be left with option B.

Quote:

---

She thinks she never did anything wrong. FYI - we may have over 500 arguments in 15 years and each time I was the one who has ended up apologizing and being a victim.

---

Wow ... sounds like marriage!

I've been married for 22 years and I suspect I've been wrong every time we have argued.

As for being a victim, that may be your choice. You can remain a victim of physical violence, or you can act on it. You are NOT a "victim" because she refuses to cook for you in spite of your sense of entitlement. Let's not get into the argument about what a housewife and mother does all day ... you might find that her hourly wage would greatly exceed yours should you break down all the tasks into comparable hourly rates.

If your marriage is over, speak to an attorney. Don't let the kids suffer through this ongoing debacle.

Quote:

---

Quoting cdwjava

---

As for being a victim, that may be your choice. You can remain a victim of physical violence, or you can act on it. You are NOT a "victim" because she refuses to cook for you in spite of your sense of entitlement. Let's not get into the argument about what a housewife and mother does all day ... you might find that her hourly wage would greatly exceed yours should you break down all the tasks into comparable hourly rates.

---

Java - You comment in bold above makes a lot of sense and I agree that 100%. The problem is she hates me to the core and all she wants is money. I still love her and our kids. I need to ignore or excuse all her emotional outbursts and silent treatments every 3 months if I continue in this marriage for the rest of my life say next 30+ years. I have no clue - Is it worth it ? At one time, my self confidence went so low - I considered suicide and later bounced back to life as suicide was not the right choice. However, I am not sure - continuing living with women is a right choice ?

Am I a victim of emotional abuse when she yells at me for 2 hours nonstop ? How do I handle this emotional abuse ? Just walk out of home for some time or ignore all that BS content ?

I am also feeling odd that I am being an underdog in this marriage in front of kids for so many years.

I am feeling so used in this marriage. She yells at me - GIVE ME DIVORCE in front of kids and later keeps watching TV and having fun.

Sounds like you should try counseling even if she will not. The kids might need it, too.

Seriously, it sounds as if the marriage is over and you should consider taking the appropriate steps.

She tells you that she wants a divorce, and you can't tell if the marriage is over? Sounds pretty over to me.

Quote:

---

=roger64;727410]

---

Quote:

---

Wife did not cook for me since 2 days and I am like what should I do now?

---

learn to cook; visit a local restaurant; eat food that does not require cooking; and if you cannot see your way to any of those; starve. She has no legal obligation to cook for you.

Quote:

---

Quoting jk

---

learn to cook; visit a local restaurant; eat food that does not require cooking; and if you cannot see your way to any of those; starve. She has no legal obligation to cook for you.

---

JK, Java and Missy: Update from my end and some good ? news

Today at 900am she did her own tea and is drinking. Later she called her mother and started all abusive words against me. I was a silent spectator to all this doing my work. I did my tea at 9.15am and was still in the middle of it. In a rage, she took the tea bowl and poured all my tea in the kitchen sink and started physical with me like forcing me to a corner by pushing etc and wont let me leave kitchen. She believes kitchen belongs only to her. LOL. I again made 1 more tea at 10.15am successfully. Why does she need to pour my tea into kitchen sink ?

There is one more episode of her yelling and doing all things until 200pm and saying how correct she is and how wrong I am.

Later I initiated that we have clear boundaries and not abuse me for 3 days for a 1 minute of my perceived abuse. I got a 3 days of severe verbal and physical abuse for a 1 minute of my verbal abuse (as she perceived).

I initiated that both wife and I have these boundaries observed and not cross them:

Boundary 1: If Husband initiates a conflicting statement or a perceived verbal abuse, Wife will get husband to a separate room and tell him that she is hurt and he cannot do that to me. Wife will also do a 1 day time out (or silence) against husband. This applies to husband also.

Boundary 2: Wife cannot drag these domestic quarrel (verbal and physical) for a period 3 days. Same applies to Husband. This conflict has to end in maximum period of 30 minutes.

Boundary 3: Wife cannot throw telephone receiver or smash laptop or similar things in a rage. Same applies to Husband.

It sounds that wife and I are again patched up until her next emotional outburst. (generally happens each 3 months)

I just got food from outside from the entire family and all seems to be content at the moment. We all ate at 400pm our first meal. Wife and Son are back to watching TV together while i am on expert law. :)

I am afraid I need to keep doing this circus for next 30 years LOL.

How in the hell should I believe that this marriage is over ? Now, she does not say I want divorce.

Have you seen any such family similar to mine ? Am I on the correct path ?


Why is she coming back to my terms when all she want is a divorce ? Why is she trying to correct me my entire life ? Who gave her the authority to bang a cordless phone on my head ? Who gave her the authority to abuse me for 3 consecutive days ?

I trust all she wants is control me for the rest of my life and use me as a ATM machine.

Thanks,
Roger

Quote:

---

Why does she need to pour my tea into kitchen sink ?

---

apparently you have shown no couth when making and sipping tea. She was apparently enraged due to your lack of sophistication and just could not bear seeing tea abused in such a fashion.

Quote:

---

There is one more episode of her yelling and doing all things until 200pm and saying how correct she is and how wrong I am.

---

have you ever considered that you may actually be wrong?

Quote:

---

Boundary 2: Wife cannot drag these domestic quarrel (verbal and physical) for a period 3 days. Same applies to Husband. This conflict has to end in maximum period of 30 minutes.

---

Dang guy, 30 minutes? I bet she is hardly getting warmed up in 30 minutes. She is going to be forever without satisfaction unless you allow at least 3 hours for her to express herself.

Quote:

---

Boundary 3: Wife cannot throw telephone receiver or smash laptop or similar things in a rage. Same applies to Husband.

---

you failed to include the many other items that could be taken up in anger and thrown.

Quote:

---

It sounds that wife and I are again patched up until her next emotional outburst. (generally happens each 3 months)

---

Feel blessed. Many of us are faced with such issues on a 28 day cycle.

Quote:

---

I am afraid I need to keep doing this circus for next 30 years LOL.

---

some people are masochists. I'll not judge you.

Quote:

---

Who gave her the authority to bang a cordless phone on my head ?

---

well, since it appears you are a masochist, I would suggest it was likely you.

Quote:

---

Who gave her the authority to abuse me for 3 consecutive days ?

---

ibid

Quote:

---

I trust all she wants is control me for the rest of my life and use me as a ATM machine.

---

sounds like a typical wife.

Quote:

---

Quoting jk

---

have you ever considered that you may actually be wrong?

---

JK - thanks for your encouraging and thought provoking words.

Yes, it is possible. I know the root cause of this was - I asked my wife and son to cut of lights and AC while they are not using it or when unnecessary. They did not like my attitude and tone of the voice. Lesson learnt for me - NEVER ask them that favor. This hurt their feelings and initiated in this emotional outburst. One argument lead to the other and came to the place where it stands making me look bad in front of kids and wife. She cant take a single word spoken against her. She believes she is perfect How is it possible when there are two persons in a home - there will be difference of opinions or conflicting statements. I am looking for a easy fixture if there is one. The closest and best advice I found was from Larry Bilota https://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v...ture=endscreen

Quote:

---

Quoting jk

---

Dang guy, 30 minutes? I bet she is hardly getting warmed up in 30 minutes. She is going to be forever without satisfaction unless you allow at least 3 hours for her to express herself.

---

Yes, I am increasing it to 3 hours on the contract.

Quote:

---

Quoting jk

---

Feel blessed. Many of us are faced with such issues on a 28 day cycle.

---

I am reading psychology and practicing it. I am ignoring all the BS content/abuse and hence I am ending up into a 3 month period. I hope to increase it to 6 months. This is one of my goals LOL.

I recommend a good psychiatrist and a divorce attorney, and please don't call me in the morning:rolleyes:

Quote:

---

Quoting Antigone

---

I recommend a good psychiatrist and a divorce attorney, and please don't call me in the morning:rolleyes:

---

Anti - Do you think there is no choice other than divorce in my case? Could you please explain ? Is the psychiatrist only for me or both of us ? She tells me she has no problem and wont come and I am the one supposed to go to psychiatrist.

There's certainly another choice: stay in the marriage and be miserable until SHE ends things. Obviously what you're doing isn't working, and it appears that your wife has made it quite clear that she has NO intentions of "working on" anything. Of course no matter how much you might want to stay, she can always be the one to end it by filing for divorce herself. It takes TWO to make a marriage work and if she wants to be a "one", nothing you do is going to make her stay or make things work if that's not also what SHE wants.

Maybe you should try a gay marriage next time

Quote:

---

Quoting aardvarc

---

There's certainly another choice: stay in the marriage and be miserable until SHE ends things. Obviously what you're doing isn't working, and it appears that your wife has made it quite clear that she has NO intentions of "working on" anything. Of course no matter how much you might want to stay, she can always be the one to end it by filing for divorce herself. It takes TWO to make a marriage work and if she wants to be a "one", nothing you do is going to make her stay or make things work if that's not also what SHE wants.

---

Cathy - My gut tells me that she will NEVER divorce as she feels I am a golden duck catering to her ego and money needs each month, expenses for kids college education in future etc. She demeans me each day one way or other in front of kids and on one fine day in that 3 month period her ego will burst and emotional burst story repeats. However, she will continue to make my life miserable. I am clear loser in her game - she is getting what she wants and our 13 year old son is completely in her favor. (She is a Narcissistic Mother manipulating and controlling her own children and 13 year old is her favorite child)

Another question is - Why am I not divorcing ? I am afraid, I will lose 2 kids love plus 60% of hard earned money. I will stay alone rest of my life. I get a thought, why should I throw away something built in a 16 year marriage and why should rebuilt something similar again and start from scratch.

Then it would appear that you are stuck with the status quo. Nothing is going to change until one of you takes steps to make it change. If neither of you will, then that's the ball game.

Get an appointment with a Divorce Attorney. You are clearly miserable. And all the arguing and abuse is NOT a healthy environment for your kids to be raised in. They need counseling so they know this is not a normal, healthy relationship.

You may be surprised....you may be able to get 100% custody of your kids, if you can prove she has these temper tantrums and the abuse.

Next time she throws things or pushes you, you be a man and call the police and file a report. If she is arrested, do not bail her out of jail. And yes, a judge will take a Domestic Violence complaint into consideration when deciding custody.

The "You are always wrong" thing is emotional abuse.

Quote:

---

Quoting PandorasBox

---

Get an appointment with a Divorce Attorney. You are clearly miserable. And all the arguing and abuse is NOT a healthy environment for your kids to be raised in. They need counseling so they know this is not a normal, healthy relationship.

You may be surprised....you may be able to get 100% custody of your kids, if you can prove she has these temper tantrums and the abuse.

Next time she throws things or pushes you, you be a man and call the police and file a report. If she is arrested, do not bail her out of jail. And yes, a judge will take a Domestic Violence complaint into consideration when deciding custody.

The "You are always wrong" thing is emotional abuse.

---

Pandora -

Yes, I will call 911 if she crosses her boundary next time. However, it is almost certain the cop will hear 3 voices against me and 1 voice in my favor. My 13 year old clearly tells me - dad - it is because of you that mom has been doing all these things since past 3 days. It is your fault and not hers.

I spoke to a cop at a fitness center on the other day. Cop told me that it is very likely we take a women side in case of any family violence call unless you can prove that your life is under threat e.g she picks a knife and she is after you and has hurt you.

However, she is doing all this in a very controlled fashion and she is a great wife and mother in front of the entire world of people who know us.

In fact, my friends tell me - you are lucky person you got such a great wife and family :)

On the contrary, I can even bet these people will convince the cop and judge that I am the bad person.

13 year kid gets extremely good scores at school and is very intelligent. 8 year old understands this and asks mom -"why are you yelling at dad since 3 days ? Mom replies - Dad is abusive to me and telling me not to take food etc. 8 year old still favors me and but wont speak against her mom as she gets longer end of the stick each time.




Thanks,
Roger

Roger, get out of that marriage.

A happy, healthy marriage is not one person blaming the other for everything, throwing huge temper tantrums, pushing you, dumping your tea.

In a divorce, child counselors can tell when talking to a child if the child has been coached by a parent. Sounds to me like your wife coaches your 13 year old.

I understand your situation. I lived with my grandmother for many years, took care of her. I had to endure being yelled at, emotionally and verbally abused. I had to live with the 3-day "silent treatment" when she was mad at me. I had to endure her claiming I was stealing money, I was stealing her medication. She passed on over 2 years ago, I do not miss her at all.

I guess we all see things through our own perception filters.

I have not discounted the possiblity that our poster here has a HUGE passive-aggressive streak, which can drive the most patient of spouses to distraction. That's what's coming across to me.

And believe me, the average 13 year old does not need to be coached to see the relationship between his or her parents. An 8 year old, maybe. But by 13, they're quite able to see who's creating what issues.

Quote:

---

Quoting cbg

---

I guess we all see things through our own perception filters.

I have not discounted the possiblity that our poster here has a HUGE passive-aggressive streak, which can drive the most patient of spouses to distraction. That's what's coming across to me.

And believe me, the average 13 year old does not need to be coached to see the relationship between his or her parents. An 8 year old, maybe. But by 13, they're quite able to see who's creating what issues.

---

Interesting. I agree I am no saint and I am continuing to improve my own personality. Earlier and may be even now, I have issues like low self esteem, less proactive, procrastination and negativity. Hopefully I will be there :) FYI - my wife is more proactive and charming than I am (e.g Wife needs zero reminders to cook food and can plan things a lot better. I want to win the heart of my 13 year old at the least. Even if I cant win my wife's heart) LOL.

Quote:

---

Quoting cbg

---

I guess we all see things through our own perception filters.

I have not discounted the possiblity that our poster here has a HUGE passive-aggressive streak, which can drive the most patient of spouses to distraction. That's what's coming across to me.

And believe me, the average 13 year old does not need to be coached to see the relationship between his or her parents. An 8 year old, maybe. But by 13, they're quite able to see who's creating what issues.

---

Its coming across that way to me too.

Quote:

---

Quoting llworking

---

Its coming across that way to me too.

---

I just bought Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression book. I will see if i can fix anything on my end. Thanks for all your feedback both LL and CBG

- - - Updated - - -

LL and CBG - It is possible I may have 50% minor traits of Passive-Aggressive Man - I am addressing those. I want to understand how this has affected relationship with my wife. I can clearly see a narcissist persona in my wife. How will a combination of Passive-Aggressive Man and narcissist women work ?

Is this Passive-Aggressive Man creating or triggering anger of a wife ? I can be in wife's shoes and think whats going on in her mind. I have never seen my wife showing any sort of empathy to anyone leave me alone.

I act/think more like a women and she acts like a man. Why is this happening ?

How do you think I can fix this stuff if at all ?

HELP !!!

Counseling.

Divorce.

I feel sorry for your kids. You are both putting them through something they should NOT have to endure. You are selfish and irresponsible. BOTH of you.

Quote:

---

Quoting SESmama

---

I feel sorry for your kids. You are both putting them through something they should NOT have to endure. You are selfish and irresponsible. BOTH of you.

---

Mama - Our kids are doing wonderful in school 99% marks and study in #1 school in TX state. My wife marshals the kids like that with love, beating, yelling and controlling. One distinct thing is, I have control when I do bad things e.g I may criticize my wife or child and stop it in 5 minutes but following that as an immediate revenge my wife wants to teach me a lesson and will BLAST me with a cordless phone, throw laptop and create hell for 3 days at the minimum ONLY if I shut my mouth and be an underdog. If I called 911, our family should have been broken several years ago. She tells that she created all this mayhem because of my 1 small criticism. She simply wont take a minor comment/criticism. My wife is either a NPD or Bipolar or both. I spoke to her today, she still thinks or blames " I AM THE ONLY PROBLEM" . She also tells me she will not use any medications even if doctor suggests.

Let me go to United Behavioral Health doctor and see if that helps her.

What is the difference between a Narcissist or Bipolar ? Who throws cordless phone on people when they are angry?

Why do you think I am selfish or irresponsible ? Is it because I am not divorcing my wife yet ?

People with bi-polar discorder tend to have mood swings - very happy and energetic to depressed and angry.

Your kids may be doing wonderful in school....but perhaps they are crying when you and Wifey can't see them?

Counseling. NOW.

UPDATE: My wife cant take a single criticism whether positive or negative. I am 100% confirmed she is a Narcissist. Each day I think about why my wife is like this for 5 hours and give up. I do not know why I get into this obsessive thinking about her for several hours each day.

I think this guy is playing us.

Quote:

---

Quoting llworking

---

I think this guy is playing us.

---

Sorry if you feel I posted too many messages. I am facing a real problem since 15 years.

You've been given the legal answer to your question. Either file for divorce or put up with the status quo.

There is no other answer, no matter how many times you ask.

(Anyone have any further questions about passive aggressive tendencies?)

You really need to be talking to a counselor.

I want to express my thanks to this forum. You have uncovered an area of Passive Aggressive Man in me which no one was able to recognize including myself in past several years. You are so wonderful and kind. God bless this forum. :)

My special thanks to CBG. You are so sharp bro. I like the way you nailed it.

My wife is also agreed to see a Psychologist. I now know I need to be assertive and think straight (not tell 1 thing and do the quite opposite of it). I agree I became so lazy, ineffective specially in past 3 years. I have been with this gentlemen syndrome since childhood which is helping no one.