50/50 Custody Terms Unfair to the Child

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Pennsylvania

I have been living with my daughter’s father for 8 yrs., married for the last 3 yrs. Recently he met someone else and wants a separation (not a divorce). He handed me a separation document and what he is requesting, I don’t see how anyone would think is in the best interest of our child.
Here is a brief scope of the situation:

• I recently (February 2013) went to rehab for prescription medicine dependency; I completed the program and have been clean since.
• The separation paper he is proposing asks for him to have full custody of our daughter until I get additional prescription drug dependency therapy,
• After that, he is requesting 50/50 custody where she lives one week with him, one week with me and alternate holidays.
• If I were to relocate (I have no one here, I moved to Philadelphia because he lived here) he would get full custody once again
• He proposed giving me $200 a month for 1 year. Nothing about child support, or spousal support.
• He already has a child support case and almost half his pay goes to his other children, I believe he I trying to avoid paying child support.
• He works very long hours, even weekends and would need to have her “watched” while working.
• We decided long ago that I would stop working to raise our daughter, now I am unemployed and for health reasons am in the process of applying for SSI.
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My questions:
• Since I completed my rehab and have stayed clean, can the court favor him because of this?
• I don’t think a child would grow up stable living in a different house every other week, how likely are the courts in awarding such a request? One week with one parent, one week with the other parent?
• Does the fact that I am not working and in the process of getting SSI hinder my chances of getting full custody?
• What about the standard of living that he accustomed me and my children to?


Like I said, I am unemployed, he took both our vehicles and refuses to let me use one, and he changed all the bank accounts, left me with nothing.

• Tried to alienate our daughter from me, I had to take him to court for him to stop that behavior.
• Our daughter is scared of him; he has a short temper and yells for everything, homework with him always and in her crying over his tone of voice.
• He comes home from work and barricades himself in our bedroom and will not spend any time with her.
• He doesn't hide the fact that he is seeing someone else, comes home at 3 am and 4 am without any regard to the fact we are still married.

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Quoting Sahara0206

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Recently he met someone else and wants a separation (not a divorce).

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And what do you want?

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Quoting Sahara0206

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He handed me a separation document and what he is requesting, I don’t see how anyone would think is in the best interest of our child.

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You are under no obligation to agree to his proposed terms. (That's not to say I'm going to guarantee you the same or a better outcome with prolonged negotiations or through litigation - I'm not in a position to make that assessment.)

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Quoting Sahara0206

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Since I completed my rehab and have stayed clean, can the court favor him because of this?

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As you know, for most people in recovery it's not as easy as "I went to rehab and have been clean for two months, so that means I'm not going to have more difficulty." For the truly addicted, recovery is a long process and (particularly in early recovery) relapse is not uncommon even when people are actively working on their recovery. The facts matter - what substance was involved, its impact on your life and your ability to parent, how you came to be using the medications, how much you were using, what your counselors have to say about your recovery.... Depending on the facts you can be the world's greatest parent during your periods of sobriety, yet show dangerously poor judgment or inattention during periods of use.

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Quoting Sahara0206

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I don’t think a child would grow up stable living in a different house every other week, how likely are the courts in awarding such a request? One week with one parent, one week with the other parent?

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It again depends on the facts. Sometimes it's a reasonable outcome. Sometimes the child has difficulty, distance makes it difficult for one of the parents to get the child to school, the parents squabble over everything and the kid gets stuck in the middle....

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Quoting Sahara0206

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Does the fact that I am not working and in the process of getting SSI hinder my chances of getting full custody?

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If you have a stable and appropriate place to live, it should not. If you aren't sure where you'll be living a month or a week from now, or if you might be living in a shelter or your car, then that can factor into the court's determination.

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Quoting Sahara0206

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What about the standard of living that he accustomed me and my children to?

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If you want to file for divorce and seek spousal support and child support, you have the right to choose that option.

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Quoting Sahara0206

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Tried to alienate our daughter from me, I had to take him to court for him to stop that behavior.

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Tell us about these court proceedings, and what (if anything) remains pending.

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As you know, for most people in recovery it's not as easy as "I went to rehab and have been clean for two months, so that means I'm not going to have more difficulty." For the truly addicted, recovery is a long process and (particularly in early recovery) relapse is not uncommon even when people are actively working on their recovery. The facts matter - what substance was involved, its impact on your life and your ability to parent, how you came to be using the medications, how much you were using, what your counselors have to say about your recovery.... Depending on the facts you can be the world's greatest parent during your periods of sobriety, yet show dangerously poor judgment or inattention during periods of use.

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I was dependent on pain medicine (non-narcotic) I felt I needed to take the medicine in order to function, but it wasn't a case that I was passed, I was always an active parent in her life, doing all my work at home (cooking, cleaning, errands, etc.) I took my daughter to school and back, helped her with homework and did many extra curricular activities with her. The counselors explained to me the difference between addiction and dependency and I was dependent, but my daughter was never unattended. My counselors are very optimistic about my success.

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Tell us about these court proceedings, and what (if anything) remains pending.

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He tried to throw me and my belongings out of the car in front of our daughter and while defending myself, I scratched him. He took me to court stating I "abused" him, and requested an order of protection and to be evicted from our home, the charges where dismissed because the court told him he should have never tried to throw my belongings out, it was self defense.
When at the house he constantly kept our daughter away from me, keeping her with him locked in the bedroom, taking her out every night sometimes until all hours of the night and it came to where she was scared to even talk to me, this little girl used to adore me and now was scared to talk to me. He told me he would do whatever he needed to in order to keep her away from me and that no Judge or police were gonna tell him he couldn't, he threaten to destroy my belongings and went as far as to start cutting off the utilities (which he put back on) I went to court and explain the situation and they issued a temporary order of eviction with an order of protection, but that too was dismissed, the Judge actually said that if we kept going like this, our daughter would not want to be with either one of us, but that he wasn't there to advice parenting but only to enforce the law, he explained that as long as we lived in the same house, we wold continue to have these problems, but he refuses to leave the house because he said he will not pay another order of child support, that's why he is seeking mainly full custody.

We also have a child custody hearing set for November that he says if I don't agree to the separation papers he will expedite in order to get custody. I researched reasons to expedite a child custody hearing and unless is medically unnecessary or the child is in danger, there are no valid reasons to expedite the hearing.

Dependency is par for the course with most pain medications, administered over the long-term. It's inevitable with opiates and opioids - you cannot take them over the long-term without becoming physically dependent, even if you're not addicted. If the pain medication is appropriate for the underlying medical condition and the use is improving your ability to function and not otherwise interfering with your life and relationships, there would not ordinarily be a reason to discontinue the medication, and even if there were reasons to switch medications the process would normally be one of detox, not rehab. You don't have to share the details with us, but there's a bit more to that story - and that additional stuff may be relevant to the custody case.

So to date you have both initiated domestic violence charges and sought protective orders, and those matters were dismissed. A history of domestic violence, as well as a history of accusations of domestic violence (whether or not they're true) can be relevant to a custody determination.

From what you're sharing here, I think you should be working with a lawyer. These resources may be helpful.

A lot of thoughts came to my mind while reading your posts (negative and positive) but I don't thinkit would be productive to share all of them. I do think, though, that dad may actually be generous with his offer in a lot of ways. He wants to PAY YOU $200 a month while he has custody of the child? AND offer you 50/50 after he has primary custody for a particular length of time until you get yourself together better?

Some other thoughts:

Dad cannot be "hardly speaking to her," and yet so possessive of her that he kept her away from you all evening, every evening. The two ideas don't fit together.

Get used to the idea that the standard of living that "he has accustomed you to" is going to change. When one household splits into two, the math doesn't add up for everyone's standard of living to stay the same. Dad will not be obligated to provide for your every need beyond whatever ssi you get forever, nor should he. In fact, many noncustodial parents who receive ssi/ssdi have a portion of that taken to help support their child and are expected to live off the rest. Dad's not even asking for that..

You mentioned relocation. Dad wants to prevent you from being able to relocate with the child. Seems very reasonable to me.

My own daughter cried every night for a good month during homework time when she first came to live with me. But, she has nearly straight A's where before were C's and D's, a much greater confidence and better behavior in school now, and I don't even have to remind her to do her homework anymore. A crying child does not mean a bad parent. Sometimes it actually means a very good parent.

I don't know you, and I don't know dad, so I really have no idea what would be best for your child. But I do sense that what you've posted seems very one sided. So, there's a small bit of another perspective.