Non-Family Adult Male Sleeping with Minor

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Quoting len6094

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It's not that simple Dogmatique. We had an agreement that if she has the boyfriend over, they would sleep in the livingroom. Turns out they were in the same bed. I was fine with the guy coming over, until this happened. It just struck me as rather inappropriate.

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The agreement that you had/have is unenforceable. Is the whole thing tacky and inappropriate? Sure. But actionable? Not so much.

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For the record, I have no issues with my wife being with another guy. We (or at least I) moved on in Auguest 2008. When I first met her boyfriend about a year ago, I was pleased for her because my first impression was that he was a nice guy. So this is not about me trying to stick it to her. I am just concerned that this is inappropriate and she doesn't seem to appreciate that. In addition, the next day when my son got home from school, he said, "What the **** mom. In my bedroom?" My son was also upset that he (my son) doesn't sleep with any clothing on. He is a modest kid, and could not believe that his mother would have another man in the same room as we without clothes on, much less in the same bed. He was very angry about the whole thing. We subsequently agreed that she would not have her boyfriend in his bed, but she has since done that without my son in it, and it still just feels very weird that his mother would have sex in his bed. It's especially upsetting because my son objects as well, and before you wonder whether I did anything to get him on my side, I can only assure I did nothing. His thoughts are his own, and anyone who has trouble seeing that he would feel this way must not be able to understand the scenario.

Anyway, my concern is that they will not only have sex in his bed when he's not there, but will also slip back into disregarding his presence, because neither of them seemed to understand that I could object, and my son's mother did not even say she was sorry to my son when he told her how he felt.

Also, I'd like to add that my son's mother travels for work and is here only on the weekend. I am at the apartment with my son on weekdays and usually spend one or two of the weekend nights with my girlfriend. I hope that clarifies the nature of the arrangement.

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Honestly? Mom's sex life is none of your mutual child's business. Yes, yes, I know. I do know. But legally, it's none of his business. Mom owes him no apology at all.

Have you filed for divorce yet?

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Honestly? Mom's sex life is none of your mutual child's business. Yes, yes, I know. I do know. But legally, it's none of his business. Mom owes him no apology at all.

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Let me see if I understand this. My naked 12 year old son, his mother, and her boyfriend were all in the same bed, and she and her boyfriend had sex, and it is none of his business? Is this how callous our legal system is? Or am I not making something very clear? This to me is way beyond tacky. I just can't comprehend anyone not being outraged to find out that their child is in bed with with people who are having sex. How do you explain to your kid that it's none of his business that his mother and her boyfriend are having sex in his bed right next to him? How does a legal system see this as OK?

I give up. Thanks for your help. I came here looking for what my legal options are, and based on the answers I get here it appears I have none.

Yes, I am working on the divorce.

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Quoting Mr. Knowitall

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Have you filed for divorce yet?

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Sorry, Mr. Knowitall I replied to the wrong one when I said yes, I am working on the divorce. Actually I already completed the paperwork for a non-contested divorce but I have had an address change since it was completed and expect I'll have to do it again for the notaries (the address on the paperwork is not the same as the address on my ID).

Look, which is it?

In the other thread, you stated that the child was NOT in the same bed.

Now he was?

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And really at 12, your "modest" child is sleeping naked?

When he KNOWS other adults may in the same room?

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Look, which is it?

In the other thread, you stated that the child was NOT in the same bed.

Now he was?

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At first I was trying to be as technically accurate as possible, and also giving my son's mother and her boyfriend the benefit of the doubt with regard to what they admitted to. The mattress is on the floor -- no boxspring, no frame -- and the three of them were covered with the same blankets. The boyfriend claims he was not on the mattress. This is the technical part, because if you looked at the arrangement, you would conclude that this is merely a technicality; that from the standpoint of my son, they were all in the same bed. Furthermore, the layout is such that it is inconceivable that they could have had sex on the floor next to the bed -- there is only enough room for one person, and that person would have to be on their side. So realistically, regardless of where the boyfriend actually slept, from a practical standpoint he would have to have moved up on the mattress to have sex. The proximity is such that any concept of being in the bed or not in the bed are really academic. But I am certain with knowing the layout that the sex act will have taken place on the mattress.

A big part of the problem here is that you keep changing the facts as you go along. Now you're telling us that you're okay with junior, age 12, sleeping naked with your wife whenever she's at your shared apartment, and that you weren't so much offended that mom and her boyfriend were naked in the same bed with him, but that their having sex when he was asleep was over-the-top. You have added the claim that you're usually not home when mom is there, but you have previously indicated that on the night in question you were sleeping in the living room - in that context, you in the living room and junior in the bedroom - it's pretty clear you would have known that the boyfriend was also in the bedroom.

I think you need to be much more concerned with the odd nature of the general sleeping arrangement, as opposed to what happens when junior is asleep (and thus, of which he is unaware). If you seriously can't afford to move out, whether or not mom sticks to her agreement that her boyfriend won't be sleeping over, consider buying junior a pair of pajamas.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell junior what happened.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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And really at 12, your "modest" child is sleeping naked?

When he KNOWS other adults may in the same room?

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I didn't say he knew they were going to be there. Quite the contrary, when he found out he was outraged. And why are you trying to put the onus on my son? The adults should have be accountable not a 12 year old kid.

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Quoting Mr. Knowitall

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A big part of the problem here is that you keep changing the facts as you go along. Now you're telling us that you're okay with junior, age 12, sleeping naked with your wife whenever she's at your shared apartment, and that you weren't so much offended that mom and her boyfriend were naked in the same bed with him, but that their having sex when he was asleep was over-the-top. You have added the claim that you're usually not home when mom is there, but you have previously indicated that on the night in question you were sleeping in the living room - in that context, you in the living room and junior in the bedroom - it's pretty clear you would have known that the boyfriend was also in the bedroom.

I think you need to be much more concerned with the odd nature of the general sleeping arrangement, as opposed to what happens when junior is asleep (and thus, of which he is unaware). If you seriously can't afford to move out, whether or not mom sticks to her agreement that her boyfriend won't be sleeping over, consider buying junior a pair of pajamas.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell junior what happened.

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Sorry for any confusion. First, I am NOT OK with the boyfriend being in the same bed as my son -- regardless of whether they have sex, and regardless of whether anyone has clothes on. I hope that is now perfectly clear.

Second, yes I was asleep in the livingroom. The boyfriend came over sometime in the middle of the night, after I was asleep. I did not know he was there until the morning, when I went to get my son up for school. I was completely unprepared to find her boyfriend there. Usually when he did come in the past, he would come over before my son went to bed, they would go in the bedroom for maybe an hour or two, and then he would leave.

Finally, what do you mean about telling junior what happened? He woke up and found the boyfriend there. I didn't have to say anything.

Dad, I'm often accused of being "too pro-Dad" here and elsewhere. So rest assured, if it seems I'm giving you a hard time (and I'm not trying - you'd know if I was ;) ), then there might be something that you need to be looking at - in terms of yourself.


Based purely on what you've written in this forum, it does indeed seem like you're looking for an excuse to bar Mom from having her boyfriend present whilst your son is there.

That's not likely to happen unless you can prove that the boyfriend's presence represents a direct threat to the welfare of your mutual child.


And ditto MKIA.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Dad, I'm often accused of being "too pro-Dad" here and elsewhere. So rest assured, if it seems I'm giving you a hard time (and I'm not trying - you'd know if I was ;) ), then there might be something that you need to be looking at - in terms of yourself.


Based purely on what you've written in this forum, it does indeed seem like you're looking for an excuse to bar Mom from having her boyfriend present whilst your son is there.

That's not likely to happen unless you can prove that the boyfriend's presence represents a direct threat to the welfare of your mutual child.


And ditto MKIA.

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Yes Dogmatique, I AM trying to find a way to keep the boyfriend away when my son is here, that is absolutely what this is all about. I want his mother to do it voluntarily, but I was hoping I would have a legal alternative as a last resort. I mentioned in the original thread, my son's mother knows virtually nothing factual about the boyfriend, and I find this disturbing. She's done some very stupid things that call her judgment into question, and has even told me that she likes living on the edge. So with this last incident, I feel it is my duty as my son's father to make sure there are some boundaries that protect him physically and emotionally.

But that's the point, Dad.

You chose Mom to be the parent of your child. The court will trust her judgement, just like it trusts yours.

What if Mom moves out into an apartment? She can have a new guy over every week if she wishes - yes, even when your son is present. The courts require a heck of a lot more in order to restrict the actions of either parent.