Split Custody, Father Fighting to Build a Case for Physical

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Arizona

Me and my ex wife became officially divorced in November 2012. We after much debate agreed on split custody, I pay 600$ a month in child support, I've allowed her to move to Texas. I'm currently active duty military which is why i was fine and found it best for our son to be living with her since i can be sent away at any point for the next two years. Thankfully we have a fairly decent visitation schedule that gives me a total of 5 weeks 8 days each year.

Our communication has become a nightmare :wallbang:, she refuses to answer question during our weekly email parenting agenda. the every other week that i can get her to agree on a day for me to skype call with my son it takes 2-4 days for her to answer me and agree on a time, then often two hours before she will cancel the call. I'm stationed in California so daily or every weekend visits are impossible, unless it's a scheduled visit. Once I am stable i want to fight for physical custody, my question is how would i go about this and what kind of information would help this to go through ??

I've kept track of all the emails sent back and forth, a dated and timed log of text messages that go days without a response, and the sorry excuse for a Skype relationship with my 3yr old son. I didn't have a son to be a paycheck father, I want the opportunity to be a part of my son's life, I need help on how to legally do so.
Any other helpful tips/suggestions to improve communication or further help a case in the future would be greatly appreciated

Thank you :D
M

Dad, it's going to take one heck of a change of circumstance (the child's - not yours) in order to switch physical custody at this point.


Why would it be in HIS best interest to be uprooted from everything he knows?

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In terms of communication with Mom, have you thought about My Family Wizard or something similar?

Thank you for your reply, I'm trying to gather any and all information I can at this point.
I understand it will require some type of drastic change, though in two years time when the military can no longer send me on a day's notice half way around the world I'm hoping to have something drastic changed. What kind of change would merit this type of physical change in custody ? I couldn't find much online as it seems mostly mothers facing this issue.
Would her continued lack of willingness to communicate be able to change anything ? I think it would be in His because as things are now I have no access to him other then when the few court appointed visits occur, I have been deployed and will most likely be for another year and have missed out on time bonding and caring for my son. I want to be able to build a relationship with him and I don't see that possible until he is much older as right now it is at the mercy of his mother who is more then ready to cut me out of his life and never deal with me again. I was under the impression that By having Split custody the change of physical was something that could occur ?

I've never heard of My Family Wizard, I really like it. Thank you! though i will try, I doubt his mother will agree to it. But will hold onto it as i think it will come in handy down the road.

Thank you
M

(I LOVE Family Wizard - it is currently, I think, $99/person/per year but it's SO worth it if you're in a contentious coparenting relationship!)

We can't really go much further unless you tell us what your court order actually says about visitation and all of the rest (minus identifying info of course).

Mom can be the biggest bitch in the world, but as long as she's obeying a court order there's little to nothing you can do. Changing custody requires a substantial change in circumstances. Kiddo's grades falling drastically, Mom marrying a child sex offender, Mom wanting to relocate to another country, that sort of thing.

If she's not following a court order you can absolutely file for contempt - but if your schedule is the thing holding you up the court isn't likely going to find her in contempt. It really often does come down to the actual wording.

I take it your order does not specify a set day and time for your skype sessions? It would help as Dog pointed out if you told us what your order actually says concerning any problems areas your having with mom. Her suggestion on Family Wizard is also good, many courts will order for that to be used.

My grandson is 3, dad is also long distance, at first the order was just that dad got to skype once a week. My daughter had the same problems your having getting him to answer when this skype session would occur. After she finally would get it from dad, he to would often cancel at the last minute.

In her case it was just a temp order, so they still had the final order coming up and she was able to get the court to agree, to setting a day and time up each week for the skype. She did save all email communications and submitted them to the court, so they could see the problem. The court also added in that email communication must be answered within 24 hours. It's helped both problems for her. She did try to get the court to order Family Wizard, but her court is not fond of ordering it, I have no clue why, but I've seen them not order many times.

Your going to have to decide if this is worth getting some help in the order. Often when dealing with a difficult person, detailed orders help. But understand that some difficult people still will do as they please. Your option then if it is detailed in your order is to file contempt.

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Quoting MFND

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Thank you for your reply, I'm trying to gather any and all information I can at this point.
I understand it will require some type of drastic change, though in two years time when the military can no longer send me on a day's notice half way around the world I'm hoping to have something drastic changed. What kind of change would merit this type of physical change in custody ? I couldn't find much online as it seems mostly mothers facing this issue.
Would her continued lack of willingness to communicate be able to change anything ? I think it would be in His because as things are now I have no access to him other then when the few court appointed visits occur, I have been deployed and will most likely be for another year and have missed out on time bonding and caring for my son. I want to be able to build a relationship with him and I don't see that possible until he is much older as right now it is at the mercy of his mother who is more then ready to cut me out of his life and never deal with me again. I was under the impression that By having Split custody the change of physical was something that could occur ?

I've never heard of My Family Wizard, I really like it. Thank you! though i will try, I doubt his mother will agree to it. But will hold onto it as i think it will come in handy down the road.

Thank you
M

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Dad, realistically its highly unlikely that you are going to get a change in primary physical custody. Its not absolutely impossible if mom makes it impossible for you to have a relationship with the child AND a court has found mom in contempt on multiple occasions, but its not likely.

Why? Because the courts have to weigh the best interest of the child. Yes, its in the best interest of the child to have a strong bond with both parents, but its not in the best interest of the child to disrupt their primary bond, and as you have admitted, the child's primary bond is with mom. Absent something that makes it difficult or impossible for the child to flourish in mom's care, physical custody is unlikely to be changed.

Now...you can make sure that it causes mom problems if she does not obey the court orders. You can make sure that you have court orders that are specific and not vague at all, that outline specific days and times for skyping, specific days and times for visitation etc. You can take mom to court every time she disobeys those orders to ensure that it hits her in the pocketbook if she fails to follow them.

Thank all for your helpful words

What we agreed upon for visitation is fairly set up schedule One full week in march, two full weeks in November/December I get thanksgiving this year and then Christmas next year and alternates each year, Two week in the summer, then 2 four day visits throughout the year. Everything else is simply marked " regular parenting time. but flexible" as for additional visits it states " TO be determined if and when the mother will be in ( town in Arizona where divorce was finalized, 6 hours from me here in San Diego ) with child" She won't be in havasu any time that i know of and I highly doubt she would inform me if she did make a visit down there. I know i'm getting a decent amount of court ordered visitation, but even getting her to give me a little extra time is impossible. For instance I wanted to make the 4 day visit's into 7 day visits so i can spend more quality time with him and it's less of a back and forth, also seeing as he is only 3 right now i want to take advantage of not having to work around a school schedule. because once that starts I only will get One week winter break, One week spring break Even years, and four weeks summer break.
It also states that we both agree that the child needs to have adequate time with each parent and agree to communicate with each other regarding parenting time for the child. under the agreement of Primary residence it states "( referencing that he will be primarily with his mother ) This does not determine the amount of parenting time the other parent has with the chld. While the child has the residence of mother as the primary residence, Father may have access to the child at all reasonable times and places by agreement of both parents. In the absence of any other agreement between parents, see below for fathers regular parenting time with child ". though this is great, if i lived in texas where she relocated to, as of right now She is a 12 drive away so evening, weekend, ect visits are impossible. And she won't give me anything more then what she HAS to and very obviously doesn't like do that. Have a question that maybe someone here can answer about visitation, I missed my week visit in march as My grandfather had become very ill and then passed away and I very understandably wasn't thinking straight to schedule it in advance, Though once I was home from the grievance leave my work forced me to take I emailed her and explained the situation ( was on 3/23) she told me That it was too late to be asking about that time and she wouldn't allow me to use it any other time during the year, Our order says nothing about making up missed time, Any idea what i can legally do about it ? I mean i honestly would't have been able to take leave after the forced for the funeral and I'm glad I didn't have him because a Funeral is the last place you want to take a toddler. I've had to just let it go at this point but I don't like the idea.


She has certainly been exercising her Bitch loophole lately. See I would have been a little further with this if my lawyer had done her job. In December last year she was a day and a half late into town for my visit and then when i let her take him for a few hours on Christmas day, even though it was my time, she refused to drop him back off to me and made me meet her at the police station to pick him up..There was no reason for this. My lawyer was supposed to draft something saying she was in contempt but we were not pursuing anything at this time, but when asked about it she has no idea what i'm talking about :wallbang: A new lawyer is happening within the next month, which is part why i started to post here to kind of get some advice before going in.

As for communication our the Order does not have really anything specific, nothing stating a weekly phone/skype call or even that she has to share pictures or videos of him with me...which is something I'm fighting her for now. The order does state that " Both parents may maintain reasonable written, telephone, and other communication with the child, but not to the extent that it excessively interrupts the other parents parenting time " it also states that " long distance communication: both parties agree that they would like to see frequent communication with the child and that they would like to do what they can to build and increase the bonds between parents and child, parents will work together to create a system for increased communication between homes, whichever home the the child is residing in. " So nothing that say's she HAS to allow me to communicate with Him which is what i need at this point. How hard is it to make such revisions as this ?

I understand that my wanting Physical custody is not something that is going to be easy and will take a lot of time, effort , and some major messing up on her part. But in the meantime I will happily make her life miserable with court orders and requests for more communication. I don't just want to be a part of my sons life, I want to be the Father to him that he deserves...that I deserve to be. I was basically a single dad for the first 8 months as she was hospitalized with C. Diff leaving me to work full time and care for him, which i loved and loved having that time as exhausting as it was to bond with my son... but the only thing i can remember from her in that time was her screaming and blaming our son for getting her sick and yelling that it was all his fault.. Without me there I fear for his safety, she's snapped and done unsafe things in the past, but I don't have and court admissible proof. I'm hoping she messes up but not at the cost of my sons health. Her new husbands short temper also bothers me, and the reason why i need to start recording the video calls i do get as every time he is there he is always snapping at my son, seems to have zero patience with him and that bothers me.

In another year or so when we update and redefine the order I will definitely be looking into getting the Family wizard put in as it would be useful, thank you all for suggesting it.

Thank you
M

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Quoting MFND

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Thank all for your helpful words

What we agreed upon for visitation is fairly set up schedule One full week in march, two full weeks in November/December I get thanksgiving this year and then Christmas next year and alternates each year, Two week in the summer, then 2 four day visits throughout the year. Everything else is simply marked " regular parenting time. but flexible" as for additional visits it states " TO be determined if and when the mother will be in ( town in Arizona where divorce was finalized, 6 hours from me here in San Diego ) with child" She won't be in havasu any time that i know of and I highly doubt she would inform me if she did make a visit down there. I know i'm getting a decent amount of court ordered visitation, but even getting her to give me a little extra time is impossible. For instance I wanted to make the 4 day visit's into 7 day visits so i can spend more quality time with him and it's less of a back and forth, also seeing as he is only 3 right now i want to take advantage of not having to work around a school schedule. because once that starts I only will get One week winter break, One week spring break Even years, and four weeks summer break.

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I would look at the school calendar of where the child currently resides. See what the typical schedule is, where the school has breaks, and if there are breaks that you don't already have in your order, that your able to do. While the child is not in school yet, it's not that far off where he will be. If your going to go for a change you might as well get it all done.

Typical for a long distance plan to include, that any time the NCP is in the area the child lives in, they can have time. There should be something on the amount of notice you have to give the CP. My daughter has this in her long distance plan. So if dad is going to be in the childs state, with x amount of notice, he can have time with the child. You have it in if mom is in your state, but you should have this to.

It's possible for now to get those 4 days into 7 days, however that won't happen once the child is in school, if those days are school days.

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It also states that we both agree that the child needs to have adequate time with each parent and agree to communicate with each other regarding parenting time for the child. under the agreement of Primary residence it states "( referencing that he will be primarily with his mother ) This does not determine the amount of parenting time the other parent has with the chld. While the child has the residence of mother as the primary residence, Father may have access to the child at all reasonable times and places by agreement of both parents. In the absence of any other agreement between parents, see below for fathers regular parenting time with child ". though this is great, if i lived in texas where she relocated to, as of right now She is a 12 drive away so evening, weekend, ect visits are impossible. And she won't give me anything more then what she HAS to and very obviously doesn't like do that. Have a question that maybe someone here can answer about visitation, I missed my week visit in march as My grandfather had become very ill and then passed away and I very understandably wasn't thinking straight to schedule it in advance, Though once I was home from the grievance leave my work forced me to take I emailed her and explained the situation ( was on 3/23) she told me That it was too late to be asking about that time and she wouldn't allow me to use it any other time during the year, Our order says nothing about making up missed time, Any idea what i can legally do about it ? I mean i honestly would't have been able to take leave after the forced for the funeral and I'm glad I didn't have him because a Funeral is the last place you want to take a toddler. I've had to just let it go at this point but I don't like the idea.

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Typical for long distance plans to include that lovely wording of extra time by agreement. Problem with it, is that often the other parent won't agree to any extra time. You should keep your communications on this done through email and save them. You can show the court that she never agrees. Again if you have the wording I put above with x amount of notice, you can get extra time, and have the agreed part taken out, this will go better for you. But again you have to keep in mind later on the child and school.

Technically when the NCP cancels his time, as you did for the funeral, then the NCP does not get make up time. You would get make up time when the CP cancels your time. Now it was a funeral, the reasonable thing your ex should do, is agree to give you a different week, but she did not. Your email communications on this would come in handy, again you can show how unreasonable she is. Under the circumstances, with distance, and with this being a funeral, you might get the court to agree that you should get another week. But you might not either, they may stick with you cancelled, so no make up time. Technically you could have still taken your week, and taken your child. While you may not want to take the child to the funeral, you could have gotten a babysitter for that time. See how the court might look at that.

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She has certainly been exercising her Bitch loophole lately. See I would have been a little further with this if my lawyer had done her job. In December last year she was a day and a half late into town for my visit and then when i let her take him for a few hours on Christmas day, even though it was my time, she refused to drop him back off to me and made me meet her at the police station to pick him up..There was no reason for this. My lawyer was supposed to draft something saying she was in contempt but we were not pursuing anything at this time, but when asked about it she has no idea what i'm talking about :wallbang: A new lawyer is happening within the next month, which is part why i started to post here to kind of get some advice before going in.

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Yep you would have been a little bit further. But when nothing is done at the time, then the court can't find contempt. Understand that it takes several times, often even more, to have the court find someone in contempt of the order, before they do anything more then hand slap them. So you want these documented and followed through on. If your lawyer sat on their butt, you should have bugged them or found a new lawyer then or filed contempt yourself.

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As for communication our the Order does not have really anything specific, nothing stating a weekly phone/skype call or even that she has to share pictures or videos of him with me...which is something I'm fighting her for now. The order does state that " Both parents may maintain reasonable written, telephone, and other communication with the child, but not to the extent that it excessively interrupts the other parents parenting time " it also states that " long distance communication: both parties agree that they would like to see frequent communication with the child and that they would like to do what they can to build and increase the bonds between parents and child, parents will work together to create a system for increased communication between homes, whichever home the the child is residing in. " So nothing that say's she HAS to allow me to communicate with Him which is what i need at this point. How hard is it to make such revisions as this ?

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Since your having issues with getting to do communication through the phone or for skype sessions, then you want that added in with set day and time. Once a week for each is reasonable, sometimes reasonable is more. I will tell you that with the age of your child, I would not recommend more then once a week for both. This was tried with my grandson who is 3, that age has limited abilities for chatting it on up, and when they did it more then one phone call and skype, the child didn't want to do them at all. It was way to much, once a week for each has worked out great. So consider the childs limit by age and even by personality quirks. Some love chit chatting, some don't, I have found boys don't like it, girls tend to like it more.

Your email communications on this, will show the need for why you need this specific in your order, even if she fails to respond to them or takes forever, those are good proof. Keep in mind to that if you get to do this, that when you have the child for a week or more, mom should get the same. It's not hard to get this in to include specifics, keep in mind though courts do what they want, and always a chance they won't find the need for it to be specific.

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I understand that my wanting Physical custody is not something that is going to be easy and will take a lot of time, effort , and some major messing up on her part. But in the meantime I will happily make her life miserable with court orders and requests for more communication. I don't just want to be a part of my sons life, I want to be the Father to him that he deserves...that I deserve to be. I was basically a single dad for the first 8 months as she was hospitalized with C. Diff leaving me to work full time and care for him, which i loved and loved having that time as exhausting as it was to bond with my son... but the only thing i can remember from her in that time was her screaming and blaming our son for getting her sick and yelling that it was all his fault.. Without me there I fear for his safety, she's snapped and done unsafe things in the past, but I don't have and court admissible proof. I'm hoping she messes up but not at the cost of my sons health. Her new husbands short temper also bothers me, and the reason why i need to start recording the video calls i do get as every time he is there he is always snapping at my son, seems to have zero patience with him and that bothers me.

In another year or so when we update and redefine the order I will definitely be looking into getting the Family wizard put in as it would be useful, thank you all for suggesting it.

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Please take the bolded out of your thinking. It's not about making mom miserable, that is not what is best for the child. Even if mom is making this miserable for you and doing that on purpose, take the high road, and forget it. Change what you need in the order, follow through on contempts, but your doing that for the best of the child, not to make mom miserable. If your doing it to get back at mom for her treatment to you, you will only cause issues for your child. Make sure what your doing is because you want to see your child and communicate with your child more. Mom may never change and if that is the case, the child needs you to be the big person and not behave the same way she does.

Go for Family Wizard, if the court won't offer that(mine does not, they are stupid IMO), then get something in about responding to emails in a timely manner. Often you can get a time frame for that.