Visitation when Father Physically Abandoned Child

Quote:

---

Quoting ohiomama

---

I should just be okay with that and allow him to have years of physical abandonment and just allow it when he pops his head up as he pleases?

---

No, not at all. If there is no plan in place, you have no obligation to allow visitation. But you need to anticipate that if he SEEKS visitation, he will get it - unless you can prove that visitation would pose some immediate danger to the child. The courts want children to have TWO legal parents, even when one has been largely absent - and the courts like nothing more than to see a parent try to rekindle their relationship. Realistically, the court will be on dad's side doing the "ra ra ra, go dad" and will be supportive of any effort dad might make to become part of his child's life, even if sporadically. Again, unless you can prove some reason for the court to not support it.

Quote:

---

The only reason I was asking these questions about visitation is because I worry about what this will do to my child in the future. I was trying to be proactive. What if my childs father waits until my child in 6 or 7 and then decides he wants to all of a sudden show up like SUPERDAD? That is not fair to my child.

---

It's not fair, but it's LEGAL. This IS the man you chose to be the father; he has constitutionally protected rights regarding his child, and the courts will keep open the CHILD's right to access to their parent - even if that access isn't being used or fostered at this time. Lots of things in life aren't fair, and children have to deal with growing up in the shadow of their parent's mistakes every day. If you're concerned about the impact on the child, then the proactive thing is to get the child into counseling - but the courts aren't going to cut the father out of the picture at this point and spending energy in that direction is really a fruitless endeavor.

If you're married and your husband wishes to adopt, that may be a potential pathway for change, but courts want children to have TWO parents, even if one is largely absent, and if dad is paying support, the courts aren't going to sever his parental rights nor restrict him from trying to establish and exercise them.

Quote:

---

Quoting ohiomama

---

Up until recently I was an open book on the subject of seeing my child. I have never told him no. But at this point I think it's a bit crazy that he has not seen my child in 2 years. Two years, 730 days, 730 chances to see his child and he cannot commit to seeing him once? I should just be okay with that and allow him to have years of physical abandonment and just allow it when he pops his head up as he pleases?

The only reason I was asking these questions about visitation is because I worry about what this will do to my child in the future. I was trying to be proactive. What if my childs father waits until my child in 6 or 7 and then decides he wants to all of a sudden show up like SUPERDAD? That is not fair to my child.

---

Realistically mom, that probably isn't going to happen...and if it does, until a court says otherwise (which means dad committing time and resources to get a court order) you are in charge of what kind of visitation dad gets. Leave things alone...they are unlikely to change...particularly if he has other children that he also doesn't see.

aardvarc - Thank you so much for your response. All I really wanted to know was how this whole thing would shake out and if I had any option to prevent his visitation for my childs wellbeing.

Again, thank you.

Quote:

---

Quoting ohiomama

---

if I had any option to prevent his visitation for my childs wellbeing

---

The problem you'll find is that the courts look at "wellbeing" on a much bigger scale than most parents do, and in different time frames. You're worried about dad popping up and wanting to be active at some time in the future of a young child - and yes, there could be some challenges for the child. But children are a lot more resilient than parents give them credit for. Look longer term...when your child is 24, and dad finds him on FaceBook - who will your child blame for the lost father/child relationship when dad says that you continually worked against visitation and purposefully kept him out? (yes, dad should have tried harder, but emotionally, guess who the child is going to blame - not dad). So when you say "protect" and "wellbeing", you have to put into perspective the WHOLE course of the child's life, not just worry about the short term. Given the internet, FaceBook, etc. - odds are pretty good that if either father or child want to, they'll be able to find each other. And you really don't want to be in the middle of the conversation about "where were you". If dad is going to fall down as an absent parent, let him do that on his own. You taking steps to PURPOSEFULLY keep dad away and not work toward encouraging a relationship, even with good short term intentions, bodes heavily for a lot of bitterness between you and your child later on in life.

And God forbid, should you ever step in front of a proverbial bus, odds are that the child is gonna hafta get to know dad, quick.

I plan to be very upfront and honest with my child as far as everything related to their father. I refuse to lie, he has missed out on the most incredible moments of my childs life and I will not withhold any information from my child. If they ask me, I will tell them.

The father has already stated that if anything were to happen to me, he would give custody to my parents (who have been around every day of my childs life) because his job/life doesn't give him the availability/stability that a child requires.

Here's to hoping my childs biological DNA donor never comes to his senses and realizes what a POS he really is.

Well, that's just a lovely attitude.