School Conferencing

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: tn

My child's father lives out of state and only sees our child about once every quarter and barely provides emotional support for our child

Our child's school policy states that both parents regardless if divorced or separated etc. are expected to attend parent teacher conference together. (I don't know how much they stick to this though)

I have told him this ahead of time and i was under the impression he was okay with it but he went and set up a separate phone conference which he was supposed to conference me in but conveniently left me out so the teacher called me afterwards and filled me in (although I was required by teacher to go in person the day before). I figured it was miscommunication so I told him and teacher I'd prefer to do a joint conference next time and everybody seemed okay with the idea.

Well come to find out second time around he is using his time zone difference which is only 2 hours to purposely avoiding the conference times the teacher has set so he can have his own conference.

And he tells me the day of the second conference - which he was 4 hours late - that he wants his own conference. :wallbang:

I figure if the school has this policy in place it's for the benefit of the child. I am very calm and cordial at my child's school and whenever i am around him and see this as a good chance to coparent but i cant understand why he is acting weird refusing to do a joint conference and saying his parents never went to conferences together so why should he.

How can I address this issue?

Does he really have to get time in parent teacher conference?

Can a progress report or me sharing what i discussed with the teacher be sufficient?

I feel like if he can make the times the teacher sets out - which there are plenty of options available. Then he shouldnt get outside extra time. This way when I go in person the teacher and I can have him join by phone.

Quote:

---

Quoting elemmom

---

I figure if the school has this policy in place it's for the benefit of the child.

---

Actually, while this may be part of it, it is probably moreso for the convenience of the teacher.

It's really not unusual for parents to conference separately. This is really between dad and teacher. If the teacher is willing to accomodate dad, dad is more than entitled to a separate conference, and for that matter, to call the teacher whenever else he wishes to. The only valid complaint you might have is if the teacher only allowed one conference between the two of you and dad scheduled one to your exclusion, leaving you unable to conference at all. Otherwise its not really your business to demand a joint conference if dad doesn't want to participate in one.

Quote:

---

Quoting FatherWhoWon

---

Actually, while this may be part of it, it is probably moreso for the convenience of the teacher.

It's really not unusual for parents to conference separately. This is really between dad and teacher. If the teacher is willing to accomodate dad, dad is more than entitled to a separate conference, and for that matter, to call the teacher whenever else he wishes to. The only valid complaint you might have is if the teacher only allowed one conference between the two of you and dad scheduled one to your exclusion, leaving you unable to conference at all. Otherwise its not really your business to demand a joint conference if dad doesn't want to participate in one.

---

Unless of course wildly different things are being discussed at the two separate conferences...then it becomes more problematic.

By wildly different, do you mean contradictory? I'm trying to imagine something that might occur where mom would have a legitimate gripe. Even if they have drastically different opinions about the same issues, dad is still allowed to not be on the same page as mom. Might not be ideal, for sure, but dad and mom are still entitled to opposing viewpoints. They would be entitled to them if they were jointly conferencing as well.

If the child has an IEP and there are.certain things that have to be agreed upon, such as accomodations provided for in the document, I could definitely see issues. But in that case I don't believe the teacher would allow separate conferences. And mom made no mention of it anyways.

Quote:

---

I figure if the school has this policy in place it's for the benefit of the child.

---

As a former teacher, I can assure you that such a policy is for the benefit of the school in general and the teachers in particular. The more time slots you have to spend talking to parents, the longer it takes to go home.

Teacher convenience aside, either parent can ask for a conference at any time.

Quote:

---

How can I address this issue?

---

What issue do you imagine there is to address, aside from your anger that Dad isn't doing things the way you want him to?

Quote:

---

Does he really have to get time in parent teacher conference?

---

Have to get, or get to have? He's entitled to conference time, and it is not required to be at your convenience. Or the teacher's, for that matter.

Quote:

---

Quoting LawResearcherMissy

---

What issue do you imagine there is to address, aside from your anger that Dad isn't doing things the way you want him to?

---

Yeah I am angry at the fact that after I set up a joint conference he changes his mind and tells me at the LAST minute he wants his own and doesn't have the balls to be upfront in the beginning. I am trying to coparent so I need honesty.

- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

---

Quoting FatherWhoWon

---

Actually, while this may be part of it, it is probably moreso for the convenience of the teacher.

It's really not unusual for parents to conference separately. This is really between dad and teacher. If the teacher is willing to accomodate dad, dad is more than entitled to a separate conference, and for that matter, to call the teacher whenever else he wishes to. The only valid complaint you might have is if the teacher only allowed one conference between the two of you and dad scheduled one to your exclusion, leaving you unable to conference at all. Otherwise its not really your business to demand a joint conference if dad doesn't want to participate in one.

---

Thanks for the info

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you all for your input so that I can see from another perspective and make sure I am going by legal guidelines.

Quote:

---

I am trying to coparent so I need honesty.

---

And your child needs you to both get over yourselves and tend to the business of co-parenting without rancor. If his schedule changes, his schedule changes, and it actually doesn't affect you in the slightest.

In 21 years of parenting, I think my husband and I managed to schedule two joint conferences. This doesn't seem to have been detrimental to anyone involved except the teachers' spare time.

I agree - although I am human and get frustrated by his actions and words a lot!

But lately I've been doing my best to be rational and mature which is why I asked the question so I could get others' perspective and to make sure my frustration wouldn't get the best of me by doing or saying anything I'd regret later.

I didn't realize the joint conference was for the benefit of the teachers time. I didn't realize I was coming off as demanding. I attached his desire for separate conference as yet another act of his unwillingness to co-parent or trying to intentionally deceive but I now know it doesn't have to mean that. Co-parenting is a challenge Im just taking it 1 day at a time :encouragement:

I appreciate you all responding!

Quote:

---

Quoting elemmom

---

I agree - although I am human and get frustrated by his actions and words a lot!

But lately I've been doing my best to be rational and mature which is why I asked the question so I could get others' perspective and to make sure my frustration wouldn't get the best of me by doing or saying anything I'd regret later.

I didn't realize the joint conference was for the benefit of the teachers time. I didn't realize I was coming off as demanding. I attached his desire for separate conference as yet another act of his unwillingness to co-parent or trying to intentionally deceive but I now know it doesn't have to mean that. Co-parenting is a challenge Im just taking it 1 day at a time :encouragement:

I appreciate you all responding!

---

In the grand scheme of things this isn't a biggie. In fact, it's probably better that you have separate parent / teacher conferences. The last thing you want a meeting with your kid's teacher to turn into is a fight between you and your ex. It's about the kid and how the kid is doing in school. Also, the teacher can gain a much better perspective in situations like this by meeting separately. And, as pointed out above, you and your ex may have different concerns.

Quote:

---

Quoting FatherWhoWon

---

By wildly different, do you mean contradictory? I'm trying to imagine something that might occur where mom would have a legitimate gripe. Even if they have drastically different opinions about the same issues, dad is still allowed to not be on the same page as mom. Might not be ideal, for sure, but dad and mom are still entitled to opposing viewpoints. They would be entitled to them if they were jointly conferencing as well.

If the child has an IEP and there are.certain things that have to be agreed upon, such as accomodations provided for in the document, I could definitely see issues. But in that case I don't believe the teacher would allow separate conferences. And mom made no mention of it anyways.

---

I was thinking about things like IEPs or even vastly different opinions on handling discipline or other problems relating to the child. Its more difficult to come to a compromise if the conferences are not joint.