ExpertLaw.com Forums

Child is Struggling in School and Other Parent is Not Participating

Printable View

  • 03-28-2013, 02:11 PM
    Mel473
    Child is Struggling in School and Other Parent is Not Participating
    My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Minnesota

    My question involves the strength of the case I would have to make to a court. My ex and I currently have joint legal and physical custody. Our agreement is that we each have her for two weeks at a time, throughout the year. My nine year old daughter currently attends the public school district in the town where her mother lives. I live about 30 miles away but work in the same town, so when I have her I bring her to school in the mornings.

    My daughter, 'A', has had some struggles in the school district which have gotten progressively worse over the years. Her troubles have stemmed to a certain degree from her behavior - she is a strong-willed child who sometimes talks back and doesn't like to follow rules that don't make sense to her. My ex and I have worked with her school and teachers on various behavioral modification techniques over the years, with varied success. Unfortunately, I believe this has led to A ending up with a reputation in the school as a difficult child. In the past couple of years, A has complained about being picked on by her classmates, but when I've talked to the principal or teachers I get the response, 'she's not picked on any more than anyone else'. We've encouraged her to speak with the teachers when she feels she is being picked on, but this has led to the teachers seeing her as a something of a drama queen and they tend to brush off her concerns, even going so far as to call her 'annoying'. It is my feeling that A has gotten to the point where she does not feel that the adults in the school are a good resource for her any longer. This past year she has ended up being suspended from school twice due to altercations with another student - the first time it was stated that she pushed the student, the second time it was alleged that A punched her. To make a long story short, the first suspension was questionable, the second one was based entirely upon a report filed by a para about what she thought she saw on the playground. No one at the school ever questioned A about the incident or got her side of the story. Neither my ex nor I were informed about the incident on the day it happened, and the suspension was given almost a week later. I could go on and on about how poorly I feel the school has handled this situation and the miserable responses I've gotten from them, but that's not my question.

    My question is - I've talked with my ex about having A change schools. A's current school is closest to my ex, obviously, and is most convenient for her. She was initially somewhat responsive to the idea, but wanted to change A to a private, religious institution which I do not favor. Now she says A should stay in her current school. I said fine, then we need to meet with the teachers and principal and get a strategy in place where we feel the school is dealing with A fairly. My ex said she would schedule a meeting with the school, but never did. So I set one up myself and let her know when it was. She then said she couldn't attend. So I rescheduled it and once again let her know when it was. She didn't respond and didn't show up to the meeting. At the meeting, I was completely unimpressed with the principal and the school's response and I once again feel strongly that A will be better served in another school. However, given my ex's past behavior, I doubt she will agree to this. If necessary, I am prepared to go to court and get an order that A will change schools - which may require some changes to the parenting time agreement as well. But before I put anyone, most importantly A, through the stress that that will cause, wondering if those experts out there feel that I have a strong case?

    Thanks.
  • 03-28-2013, 03:10 PM
    cdwjava
    Re: Child is Struggling in School and Other Parent is Not Participating
    By your description of your daughter that she is "strong-willed" and tends to talk back and disobey rules that SHE eels don't make sense, I presume that the difficulty here is that your daughter is getting in trouble at school? If that is the case, how would a change in schools affect this? You will have to show that the attitude problem that apparently exists from your daughter would almost certainly disappear at the new school. Otherwise, the presumption will be that the same problems can and probably will arise at the new school as they have at the current school.

    It might also be possible that some of your daughter's issues with acting out are related to conflict between you and the ex. It is not uncommon for a child to act out in the way you have described and when mom and dad are at odds with one another. Is your daughter in counseling at all? If not, perhaps you and the ex should consider therapy. There might very well be some other cause for her behavior and the any behavior that might result in her being picked on. And, in my experience both in law enforcement working juvenile crimes and as an educator, it is rarely ever a one way street when a child is claiming to being picked on. So, I hope that you are not necessarily taking the position that your daughter is an innocent victim here - she may not be. But, there is likely much more going on, and the school she goes to may have little impact on whatever the underlying problem might be.

    If you have the support of a therapist or some objective proof that a change in schools is very likely to be beneficial rather than a claim that it MIGHT be, that would help. But, a court may well want to see something more than what you have proposed so far if it will force an alteration in arrangements against the will of the other parent.

    Good luck.
  • 03-28-2013, 03:53 PM
    aardvarc
    Re: Child is Struggling in School and Other Parent is Not Participating
    Agree. There's nothing here to suggest that a simple change in geography by changing school promises to fix or change anything. If a large part of your daughter's problem is her OWN attitude towards rules and behaviors, new walls and different classmates or teachers isn't going to change that. It could actually have an adverse effect, if the child perceives the change to be punishment for her behavior (even negative attention is attention), or, if she's already having trouble with coping skills and then you throw her into a totally new environment, compounding the number and extent of things for her to cope with. Carl's suggestion regarding counseling is right on track - children of divorce are many times more likely to have these types of issues, no matter how sheltered from parental conflict the parents think the children might be. Some time talking to an experienced counselor can often help children to find their voice and express their angers, fears, self-blame, and other issues in a much more beneficial manner and can help them learn healthy coping mechanisms and how to "act in" with self evaluation rather than acting OUT against others.

    It also couldn't hurt to have a discussion with the child's physician just to rule out any complicating issues such as hormone levels, dietary contributions, etc. Make sure you cover all the bases - at 9 she's got puberty just around the corner and if she's "strong willed" enough at 9 to be getting suspended from school, you and mom need to work together to get a handle on her behavior BEFORE you start getting calls to pick her up at juvy or are meeting your first grandchild a decade before you're ready. But a change in schools alone won't do it. If you and mom don't have a handle on the underlying issues BEHIND her behavior, then it's time for one or both of you to seek the assistance from a professional to identify the issues from the child's point of view and develop strategies to get a handle on things while you still can.
  • 03-28-2013, 06:11 PM
    Mel473
    Re: Child is Struggling in School and Other Parent is Not Participating
    Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I think I need to clarify a few things that weren't clear in my initial post - I was trying not to write a book, but these things are always more complicated than a couple of paragraphs can describe.

    First - absolutely, A has her issues and is not just an innocent victim. We work on accountability and understanding consequences regularly, and both my ex and I have been active participants in working with the school to address her behaviors. She has always been a strong-willed kid and has had difficulty accepting authority. However, over the past few years as she has matured and her life has stabilized, her behavior has improved tremendously - everywhere except school.

    Second - A's class is a difficult class - as acknowledged by teachers and principal. The kids seem to have a pervasive attitude of disrespect for each other and the drama is constant. Yes, I'm sure A contributes to this. She is definitely a kid who is attention seeking - and in a classroom where many kids act out, it's much easier to get negative attention than positive. However, when I ask the school what they are doing to address the classroom atmosphere, they have essentially said that the principal stands out in the hall in the mornings to watch for behavior. And that's basically it. I know the schools have a big job and can't fix everything, but as the available adults in the situation, I really feel they ought to have a better strategy for helping the kids, and have told them as much.

    Third - A is not a violent kid. She may be mouthy and have attitude, but she is not going to haul off and punch some girl for no reason, which is essentially what the report said happened. When I asked her what happened, she said that she thought the other girl had taken something of hers and went up to her to ask her about it. The girl took a step towards her and got in her face, and A reacted by pushing her backwards. Yes, A is not innocent and should not have reacted the way she did, and we addressed that with her. But pushing somebody backwards who appears threatening is a far cry from punching someone for no reason. But nobody at the school ever asked A for her side of the story or did any further investigation - which was admitted to me when I met with the principal last week. I then explained to him what A had told me and asked him to look into it further. He said he would first thing Monday morning and would get back to me that day. It is now Thursday evening and I still haven't heard a thing. It also took him three weeks to send me a copy of the report that A's suspension was based on. Three weeks.

    Fourth - as soon as A was suspended the first time I attempted to set up an appointment with a child psychologist. Unfortunately, there is a long waiting list and her situation is not an 'emergency'. She finally has her first appointment next week and I will be very interested in what the psychologist thinks is a good approach. I am very hopeful that this will help A learn better coping skills.

    If the additional information changes any of your thoughts, please let me know. I really want to do what's best for my daughter and am trying to filter out my own biases as much as possible, but lord knows it ain't easy. Thanks.
  • 03-28-2013, 06:34 PM
    cdwjava
    Re: Child is Struggling in School and Other Parent is Not Participating
    All that being said, it still does not provide a compelling argument that changing schools will do anything to change the underlying issues here. Since your question had to do with whether you had a "strong case" or not, the answer appears to be, "no." Unless you can work this out with mom in some way, I suspect you may have to seek your answers within the current school setting. Also, so late in the school year you may find that there will be problems getting credit for any schoolwork done if she does transfer. I have seen this before where a child loses an entire semester of schooling and gets held back as a result. You may want to wait until next fall for a school change - that gives you the summer to try and look into any mental health or physical health issues as well as work with your ex and your daughter to try and resolve whatever might be contributing to the problems.
  • 03-29-2013, 07:09 AM
    llworking
    Re: Child is Struggling in School and Other Parent is Not Participating
    Quote:

    Quoting cdwjava
    View Post
    All that being said, it still does not provide a compelling argument that changing schools will do anything to change the underlying issues here. Since your question had to do with whether you had a "strong case" or not, the answer appears to be, "no." Unless you can work this out with mom in some way, I suspect you may have to seek your answers within the current school setting. Also, so late in the school year you may find that there will be problems getting credit for any schoolwork done if she does transfer. I have seen this before where a child loses an entire semester of schooling and gets held back as a result. You may want to wait until next fall for a school change - that gives you the summer to try and look into any mental health or physical health issues as well as work with your ex and your daughter to try and resolve whatever might be contributing to the problems.

    I agree with this advice and will add some more that would matter to a judge. Right now you share 50/50 custody and have virtually an ideal situation for two parents living 30 minutes apart, because both of you can easily get the child to and from school. Therefore, unless there was a school available that would be equally easy for BOTH of you (because the judge is even less likely to consider a change in parenting time on top of a school change) to get the child back and forth to school, your odds are even smaller.
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:02 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.4
Copyright © 2023 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2004 - 2018 ExpertLaw.com, All Rights Reserved