Father Wants Extended Vistation Despite Prior Absence from Kids' Lives
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Alaska/Maryland
Short version, I promise!
Wife got divorced 11 years ago. Ex-husband left children with her, moved to another state and got remarried. Has not seen the children since divorce. Never tried to come back and visit the children. Never tried to file a parental plan. Demanded that wife send children to him, on her dime.
No parental plan established. Wife has Physical custody. Wife has told ex-husband that he is free to come visit his children (2 of them) in our state anytime he wants but since the children haven't seen him in 10 years she is hesitant to put them on a plane (and pay for half of it).
Recently, ex-husband hired a lawyer that sent us a list of demands, including:
1.) He be allowed to have children (14 year olds, now) for 3 months during summer, Thanksgiving break and spring break.
2.) That Mother pay for half of all travel expenses.
3.) That Mother give him child tax credits.
4.) That childrens opinions not be included in decision (Maryland takes childrens opinions into account at 14, if I read correctly)
We hired a lawyer that didn't help us (stupidity on our part). Fired our lawyer. Told opposing lawyer to stop contacting us. Opposing lawyer continues to contact us.
Basically, we are of the mindset that bio dad is welcome to come see the 2 children anytime he wants, he can contact them as much as he wants (email, phone, skype, etc) but we don't feel it is our obligation to put them on a plane and send them to him.
We basically said, if you want us to send the children to you and pay for it, take us to court.
He is paying child support but that does not play into our decision at all.
Also, wife doesn't work but I do and his lawyer said that since I am a step-parent and I make a decent living that the bio fathers child support should be partly covered by me. I haven't adopted the girls but believe I fall under "in loco parentis"? Does that mean that his child support can be reduced because I pay (almost) 100% of the girls living costs?
Thank you in advance for any suggestions you can provide.
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
Step back, stepdad. This isn't your call. Period. Ever. I KNOW how frustrating that is, but this really isn't your decision at all.
To answer the questions:
1) Not unreasonable in the slightest.
2) He can ask the court to order that.
3) He can ask the court to order that, too.
4) You read incorrectly. If an opinion is to be taken into account at all, it will be for a custody determination - not a visitation decision.
Your wife (because really hon, this isn't your fight - and yes, I'm also a stepparent), can request that he undergoes a supervised visitation schedule in Mom's community at least for the short term. But she NEEDS to expect that eventually, he'll get at least 1).
The rest - well, that'll be up to the judge.
No, his child support can't be reduced because you've been supporting everyone ;)
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
Ma'am,
Thank you for the response! Indeed, this is her fight and I am trying to provide support as I can but it can be frustrating at times! My only goal here is intelligence collection!
Would it be looked upon negatively by the court if my wife tells him to take her to court instead of agreeing to his requests? She went through about 4 months of writing letters back and forth and not getting anywhere, basically him making his demands and her offering counter proposals regarding visitation. It got to the point where his lawyer was threatening to take her to court, but never did.
Or is the possibly negativity something that varies from judge to judge?
Thank you for the answers about the requests and the child support!
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
He's trying to see his kids again.
What has Mom offered in response? (it might matter)
And thank you, most sincerely, for taking my previous post in the manner it was intended. Stepparenting is probably THE hardest job you'll have to do (other than be a parent yourself!).
:)
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
No problem!
Mom has offered:
1.) That Bio Dad have a supervised visit for at least a week where the children live now (he be responsible for paying for entire trip).
2.) Spring Break
3.) Thanksgiving
4.) Half of the summer (so appx, 30-35 days instead of 60-70 days)
5.) Tax credits for Dad paying for all of travel costs of the children
He said no to that. We also agreed to drive the children to bio dads parents house for Thanksgiving in CT (he was going to fly in from AK) but about a week before the trip was set to occur he backed out and accused my wife of not wanting to follow through (bummed me out because I had planned a trip for the two of us to some B&B's around CT). We have kept all of the email trails for that instance.
Stepparenting is incredibly difficult because, IMO, you have to learn on the fly. But, it certainly is amazing training for future children. Thanks again!
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
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stepdadseekinghelp
Ma'am,
Thank you for the response! Indeed, this is her fight and I am trying to provide support as I can but it can be frustrating at times! My only goal here is intelligence collection!
Would it be looked upon negatively by the court if my wife tells him to take her to court instead of agreeing to his requests? She went through about 4 months of writing letters back and forth and not getting anywhere, basically him making his demands and her offering counter proposals regarding visitation. It got to the point where his lawyer was threatening to take her to court, but never did.
Or is the possibly negativity something that varies from judge to judge?
Thank you for the answers about the requests and the child support!
I disagree slightly with Dogmatique only because he has not seen the children in 11 years.
Even a very active parent who chooses to move away from their children isn't going to get every Thanksgiving (maybe every Spring Break) and the entire summer. A parent who has had no contact with the children in 11 years is more likely to get every other thanksgiving, a week at Christmas, every other Spring Break and a few weeks of the summer.
I also doubt that a could would make the custodial parent pay for any transportation costs in this particular scenario either.
This is also a scenario where I would absolutely require that dad either visit in the children's community to get to know them, or I would tell dad to take it to court. The most important thing here is to make sure that dad is truly sincere about this, and isn't going to force it on the children only to drop them later because it ended up being different than what he thought he wanted. If he takes it to court, and puts his money where his mouth is, then there is a much greaterly likelihood that he is sincere in wanting a relationship with his children.
I also think that the whole idea that he should have to pay less support because you make a decent living is absurd. The courts can impute an income to mom (most common 40 hours a week at minimum wage) but that is no guarantee that it would reduce child support. Particularly if mom hasn't received any increases over the last 11 years.
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stepdadseekinghelp
No problem!
Mom has offered:
1.) That Bio Dad have a supervised visit for at least a week where the children live now (he be responsible for paying for entire trip).
2.) Spring Break
3.) Thanksgiving
4.) Half of the summer (so appx, 30-35 days instead of 60-70 days)
5.) Tax credits for Dad paying for all of travel costs of the children
He said no to that. We also agreed to drive the children to bio dads parents house for Thanksgiving in CT (he was going to fly in from AK) but about a week before the trip was set to occur he backed out and accused my wife of not wanting to follow through (bummed me out because I had planned a trip for the two of us to some B&B's around CT). We have kept all of the email trails for that instance.
Stepparenting is incredibly difficult because, IMO, you have to learn on the fly. But, it certainly is amazing training for future children. Thanks again!
There are a lot of judges who wouldn't give a parent who had been absent for 11 years as much as your wife is offering this dad.
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
Llworking,
My wife's concern is basically what you outlined in your third paragraph. In the most recent letter from his attorney he demanded that on Thanksgiving breaks we drive 8 hours (each way) to drop off and pick up the children at a location that is convenient for him to see them.
While we don't mind too much as it gives us a chance to see a part of the country we haven't been to, we do not feel the efforts are sincere when he then turns around and asks for more financial support from us in the form of paying for the children to spend time with him. But yes, she pretty much said word for word what you said about him putting his money where his mouth is.
Thank you for the response and your suggestions as well. I appreciate you taking time from your day (and Dogmatique as well) to provide your analysis! It means a lot!
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
[QUOTE=llworking;679616]
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I disagree slightly with Dogmatique only because he has not seen the children in 11 years.
I'm going to slightly disagree with you.
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Even a very active parent who chooses to move away from their children isn't going to get every Thanksgiving (maybe every Spring Break) and the entire summer. A parent who has had no contact with the children in 11 years is more likely to get every other thanksgiving, a week at Christmas, every other Spring Break and a few weeks of the summer.
Yes active parents do get every Thanksgiving's, just depends on the situation and the Judge. There are plenty of cases out there where the parent who has moved away, gets every holiday break and the entire summer break. There are also plenty of cases with modified versions of that, like they get all breaks, except they split Christmas break, and they get all of the summer break, except the first week after school lets out and the last week before school resumes in fall.
In this case here, giving every Thanksgiving(what dad has asked for), would actually be a good deal, because dad has not asked for anything at Christmas. I would gladly give a parent every Thanksgiving, if I then had my children every Christmas and didn't have to share it. Thanksgiving can be done on another weekend when the child comes home from dads.
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I also doubt that a could would make the custodial parent pay for any transportation costs in this particular scenario either.
They could make the custodial parent pay for half or they could reflect the cost of all transportation being paid by dad in the child support amount. Lots of cases out there where they do that. Many even have clauses that as long dad is current with child support, cost of transportation is split or cost of transportation is reflected in what dad pays in child support. According to the husband here, dad does pay child support and has been paying child support, so he has not been a "deadbeat".
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This is also a scenario where I would absolutely require that dad either visit in the children's community to get to know them, or I would tell dad to take it to court. The most important thing here is to make sure that dad is truly sincere about this, and isn't going to force it on the children only to drop them later because it ended up being different than what he thought he wanted. If he takes it to court, and puts his money where his mouth is, then there is a much greaterly likelihood that he is sincere in wanting a relationship with his children.
I do agree that dad should first spend some time in the children's community getting to know them again and believe that a court would probably do that. However we have to keep in mind that we need to keep the amount of that time reasonable, what we might think is reasonable is not what courts always think is reasonable. We might think that because the children are older it would be harder for them to accept all of this, but a court may think because they are older that they will understand it and give less then what we think.
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There are a lot of judges who wouldn't give a parent who had been absent for 11 years as much as your wife is offering this dad.
There are a lot of judges who would give more. It's a roll of the dice, unless you know how your Judge actually rules on cases with the same exact variables as yours.
My point to posting this, is to often we put what the "norm" is in answering posts. But not every court goes with the "norm", lots do not and we do harm by not including that this is the "norm", but all of these other situations can happen.
I have had 2 recent cases in my family that both included dad having no contact with the child, one was dad having no contact with the child for 15 years, had never even met the child. Neither of the cases got the "norm". I appreciated Dogmatique's posts to them as she made it clear of the possibilities that could occur, outside of the "norm". The courts in a large area by me, rarely give the "norm" that is often posted.
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
Gam,
Thank you for that analysis. I appreciate you giving your take on things! I understand that each Judge is different and it is good to outline that and the possibilities with each scenario.
My wife's only major stipulation was that she keep the children for XMas as it is a very important time of year for our family (as I am sure it is for most).
Bio Dad has an issue with coming to where the children live for an extended period because he says he can't afford it (lives in AK, has 5 children with his second wife) and he has told my wife that he doesn't feel it is necessary (my wifes proposal was 3-7 days).
She has no issues with spring break and thanksgiving but she wants to be able to do family vacations during the summer and doesn't feel it is right that she gets the girls while they are in school and bio dad gets them on all of their time off (sans Xmas). Does that make sense?
Again, thank you all for the input!
Re: Wife Having Issues with Ex-Husband
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stepdadseekinghelp
Gam,
Thank you for that analysis. I appreciate you giving your take on things! I understand that each Judge is different and it is good to outline that and the possibilities with each scenario.
My wife's only major stipulation was that she keep the children for XMas as it is a very important time of year for our family (as I am sure it is for most).
Bio Dad has an issue with coming to where the children live for an extended period because he says he can't afford it (lives in AK, has 5 children with his second wife) and he has told my wife that he doesn't feel it is necessary (my wifes proposal was 3-7 days).
She has no issues with spring break and thanksgiving but she wants to be able to do family vacations during the summer and doesn't feel it is right that she gets the girls while they are in school and bio dad gets them on all of their time off (sans Xmas). Does that make sense?
Again, thank you all for the input!
Once again, its likely best that your wife make him take it to court. While you can never know for certain what a judge will or will not order, The odds of a judge requiring your wife to send the children off with someone who is a complete stranger to them is not strong, and in addition, its not likely that he would get the entire summer.
Plus, unless your wife and dad lived in AK when they were married (and perhaps even if they did) your state is going to have jurisdiction, so making dad take it to court would almost guarantee that the children would be meeting him in advance of having to go to AK, because he would have to show up in your state for court at least one or two times.