Ex Refusing to Go by Mediation Agreement

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: KY

I need some serious help on this problem!

Since I have had my baby, my husband had been visiting him (at his own disgression) in my home. I allowed this, even though I was annoyed by the fact that he was coming by very frequently. I was looking forward to getting an actual custody order because, being divorced, I didn't really want to see him every day and I was looking forward to settling the matter in general.

So we went to mediation recently. I learned that the interlocatory decree came through to say we are officially divorced now. In mediation, we worked out an agreement. I agreed to give him visitation from Friday at 6 p.m. to Saturday at noon weekly. However, in order to do this, he agreed he would buy me a breast pump. The baby has NOT been introduced to a bottle yet and I have not even used a pump yet. The child is a month old.

His visitation is to occur starting this coming friday. He texted me yesterday, not asking, but telling me he was coming over to see the baby. I texted my lawyer and asked her what I should say to him and she said, "Just say you are sticking to the mediation agreement." So that is what I told him. He texted me later that day to say he will only buy me the pump if I continue to allow him to come over on a daily basis. I told him I'm in no way obligated to do this, that I already gave him his time in a defined order, and he agreed in front of two lawyers and a mediator to buy me a pump. He said he wouldn't unless I continued to allow him to come over at his own disgression.

This is incredibly disturbing to me because he is blackmailing me and endangering the child. Without a pump, I either have to send my child off to starve (which I would never do) or be held in contempt for not sending him on his visitation. I texted my lawyer to inform her of the situation. Just on a personal note, I can't believe he would be so selfish as to gamble with our son's health.

It will ALREADY be difficult as it is to learn to pump and introduce the baby to the bottle by friday and make sure he actually takes it. I am pretty much scared to death now. I feel like it would be very irresponsible to send him with my ex husband acting this way and if I don't get this worked out pretty much by tomorrow, there is no way I can pump enough milk and make sure the baby takes to a bottle in time.

This whole conversation was in texts. My lawyer told me she would discuss things with his lawyer and we also have the texts as proof.

My question is, do I have any immediate legal recourse? Is there anyway to stop the visitation Friday? Is this custodial interference on his part? Can I press charges for blackmail? I'm hoping this can be solved just by my lawyer talking to his lawyer, but my husband is so difficult. Once he has decided, that is it. So I want to know what my options are. I just want to make sure my son is fed if he is to go on a visit.

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Quoting shortie

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I agreed to give him visitation from Friday at 6 p.m. to Saturday at noon weekly. However, in order to do this, he agreed he would buy me a breast pump. The baby has NOT been introduced to a bottle yet and I have not even used a pump yet. The child is a month old.

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Then it's time to figure out how to use a pump - even without dad purchasing one, or figuring out that the reality is that you're going to have to introduce your baby to bottles, asap. The courts are NOT going to be amused at the idea of you keeping dad from the child with the excuse of breast feeding. You are only going to eventually piss off the judge with this approach, and risk giving dad even MORE time than the current order reflects.

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His visitation is to occur starting this coming friday. He texted me yesterday, not asking, but telling me he was coming over to see the baby. I texted my lawyer and asked her what I should say to him and she said, "Just say you are sticking to the mediation agreement." So that is what I told him.

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Your attorney is 100% correct. You've already told dad "no", and that he needs to follow the court order. If dad shows up at your door outside the court's ordered time, then you don't answer the door, don't talk to him, just call police. Document the name of the officer(s) who respond, get the case number, and give this to your attorney to pursue a complaint of harassment. It's vital that you DOCUMENT dad's actions that occur in violation of the court's order.

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He texted me later that day to say he will only buy me the pump if I continue to allow him to come over on a daily basis. I told him I'm in no way obligated to do this, that I already gave him his time in a defined order, and he agreed in front of two lawyers and a mediator to buy me a pump.

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Unless the JUDGE ordered him to purchase a pump, and that visitation would be DENIED until that happened, you're only going to shoot yourself in the foot clining to this. The court isn't going to support denial of visitation over a $25 breast pump. It's just not.

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This is incredibly disturbing to me because he is blackmailing me and endangering the child. Without a pump, I either have to send my child off to starve (which I would never do) or be held in contempt for not sending him on his visitation.

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You need to get off your duff and either get the child on something OTHER than breast milk, or get yourself a pump and start using it. Dad is NOT going to be denied visitation because you haven't taken the steps to propertly prepare your child. You need to plan that the child is going, and act accordingly...otherwise dad is going to have a case against YOU for the child having difficulties away from breast milk.

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I texted my lawyer to inform her of the situation. Just on a personal note, I can't believe he would be so selfish as to gamble with our son's health.

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You're BOTH doing this. What steps have YOU taken to prepare your child for visitation or time away from you? It's Sunday now, and visitation doesn't start till Friday.

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It will ALREADY be difficult as it is to learn to pump and introduce the baby to the bottle by friday and make sure he actually takes it.

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Then start immediately.


[quote] I am pretty much scared to death now. I feel like it would be very irresponsible to send him with my ex husband acting this way and if I don't get this worked out pretty much by tomorrow, there is no way I can pump enough milk and make sure the baby takes to a bottle in time.

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My question is, do I have any immediate legal recourse?

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Not unless your attorney knows additional pertinent facts. Have you asked your attorney?

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Is there anyway to stop the visitation Friday?

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How much yelling are you prepared to hear from the judge? Are you willing to risk possible jail time for contempt (not likely, but POSSIBLE). You need to be asking your attorney - strangers on the internet aren't where you should be getting info on topics that could have such serious repercussions for you, including potentially your freedom or getting slapped with contempt.

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Is this custodial interference on his part?

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Not at all. There's a court order that tells him when he can pick the child up. So long as he sticks to that date/time, it's all good. It's up to YOU to make sure the child is ready to go. If the child isn't, it can give DAD a good argument for interference with visitation on YOUR part.

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Can I press charges for blackmail?

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No police department is going to spend 30 seconds on this type of drama. They'll tell you that if you're having issues with your custody agreement, to take it up with the family court. If dad wants something not in the agreement, say "no". If you want something that isn't IN the court's order, dad can say "no".

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I'm hoping this can be solved just by my lawyer talking to his lawyer, but my husband is so difficult. Once he has decided, that is it. So I want to know what my options are. I just want to make sure my son is fed if he is to go on a visit.

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If you're concerned about the feeding arrangements, then you'll need to get the child acclimated ASAP.


You guys have a 1 MONTH old child - and you're going to be co-parenting for another 18 YEARS. Think about that big picture when dealing with things as trivial as pumping.

I'm not denying him visitation though. I just want to go by the court order and not have to see him beyond that. In the agreement, he agreed to get the pump. I am denying giving him ADDITIONAL visits to the baby outside of the order. Therefore, he is denying me the pump. So basically, I held up my end of the bargain by agreeing to the visitation schedule he wanted. He is not holding up his end of the bargain by not getting me a pump.

Also, the pumps are not $25. They are between $200 to $300. That is why it was part of the agreement, because he is in a position to afford one (and he agreed to get one because this was the visitation schedule he wanted) and I am not in a position to afford one (at least not within the next week).

This arrangement had to work just the way we agreed because of the short amount of time I had to prepare for it. Everything had to go according to the plan, or it would not work. This is why this is making me so nervous. I can't even get started now.

To explain further, I agreed to the visitation only if he agreed to get the pump. That was the arrangement. Now he is trying to get additional time by withholding the pump, even though there's nothing about this in the arragement. I just thought we worked everything out smoothly with lawyers and it was all done and now he's just trying to control me and the situation further and I don't like the fact that he's doing it by withholding the only way that my son will be able to eat without me. I just want to go by what we already agreed, because it is the only way this can work.

To answer your quesion about what my attorney says, so far, she has told me that it is good the conversation was in texts, so we can use that (I don't know what she intends to use it for though). And she said she would speak with his lawyer.

Manual breast pumps are less than $50. Electric breast pumps are in the $200-$300 range. If you're interested in your baby's welfare, go buy one and use it. Visitation isn't a gift bestowed by one party upon the other. It's a right. A breast pump is NOT a right - it's something you want.

The next 18 years are going to be mighty mighty long if you two don't knock off the petty b.s. and learn how to work together.

Evenflo has a nice little portable electric one for a little over $35 - it works really well....

Oh my goodness. All I want is to go by the agreement we made in mediation. I'm asking for nothing more or less. Because it was mediation, not court, this was a mutual agreement. Are mediation agreements not enforcable or something?

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Quoting shortie

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Oh my goodness. All I want is to go by the agreement we made in mediation. I'm asking for nothing more or less. Because it was mediation, not court, this was a mutual agreement. Are mediation agreements not enforcable or something?

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They are enforceable..or are enforceable after the judge signs off on them, but different people have different opinions on what issues are more important than others. You have an attorney. I suggest that you listen more to your attorney than to strangers on an internet message forum.

Only your lawyer can tell you whether or not the agreed upon terms are binding - that is, if they've been reduced to a settlement agreement that's been signed by a judge. You're paying an attorney, so ask. You should also ask what the ramifications are if you refuse to comply with visitation because he's refused to buy a pump.

Read Aardvarc's response. Then read it again. Then it's up to you to decide if, as Dog says, this is the hill you're choosing to die upon.

Reality: You've got 18 long years ahead of you if you two can't get along. 18 long, miserable years. You can suck it up and buy a cheapie pump and fight this issue another day and show that you're capable of taking the higher road, or you can refuse visitation and you'll BOTH look bad in everyone's eyes.

I am hoping that these are the kind of kinks that we are running into as we adjust to the co-parenting thing and that things will get better. This is why I'm so adamant about having everything in writing and going by an order by the book. I just want everything to be taken care of so it won't be this difficult. So hopefully the next 18 will be full of joy with having a child, and not an 18-year long legal battle.

Thanks people for your help. I just became a mother for the first time a month ago and I'm already worried out every little thing with the baby as it is, so I don't blame y'all for thinking I'm overreacting or whatever.

This is the thing - this is all new to you, but the mediators and courts deal with these issues every day and trust me, they become jaded and really cranky. What's new to you is old hat to them, and it will be much better for you if you take the high road, get a cheap pump, work with the baby to feed from the bottle, and move forward with visitation. That shows that despite your ex's refusal to be compliant and cooperative, you took the steps necessary to ensure visitation. He'll look like a jerk. This will *benefit* you enormously. Is it irritating? Yup. Should he be compliant? Yup. But if you let this turn into I won't do this because he didn't do that? Uy. You don't want to go there, especially if it involves denying visitation.