Phone Conversations

Hello:

I, the mother, have primary physical custody of our 9 year old son. I share 50/50 joint decision making custody for our son with the father. The father has resided in Montana for almost 3 years now and the last time he saw our son was over 2 years ago. An attempt (verbally-not legally) between his father and I to keep a weekly phone call schedule to speak to our son was made at the time his father moved; however, his father has never been able to keep to it. So, there are times when our son will go for weeks, even months at a time (the longest being 3 months), when no contact is made. As our son gotten older, his anger has progressed as to why his father doesn't keep in contact with him more. When he asks his father why he doesn't call the excuse is ALWAYS the same, "I had to work" or "My boss won't let me call." His father is a (or was at the time) a server, but has a way of charming our son into thinking that this is an acceptable answer. What our son fails to understand is that no employer in the world makes someone work 24/7 with no breaks in which he could make time for a phone call that could take no more than 5 minutes. A few days after the phone call, our son came to me and said, "Mom, Dad didn't want me to tell you but he said he's looking to take you to court." So crappy that his dad would tell him that and then further make him feel guilty by telling him not to tell me about it.

Having said all this, about 7 months ago, our son was so visibly upset that his dad hadn't called (this was the longest span of time - 3 months since last contact) that he didn't want anything to do with his dad. This prompted me to call his father and discuss this with him. His dad was informed that it isn't fair to me to have to help our son understand why he chooses not to keep in contact with him and that he needed to make more of an effort to consistently speak to his son because it tears me up that I cannot explain to him a reason why he cannot call. There is no excuse for him not keeping contact with him. The conversation quickly escalated into other issues and it was apparent to me that my ex felt in order to feel in control of the conversation that he had to drag up old history. After the conversation, it was agreed upon that neither of us needed to speak to each other since we can't be civil with one another, but contact will remain with our son only.

Our son received phone calls every once in awhile, but still nothing consistent. This last week, our son came home from school clearly upset. I thought it was over the fact that he didn't want to do his homework, but as we spoke more, the conversation quickly turned to things like, "I want to kill myself. I don't belong here. I want to go to Heaven." Our son has been clinically seen by both a psychiatrist and psychologist over the past 5 years for ADHD. We last spoke to his psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago and informed her that our son has been speaking like this when he gets upset, but when asked why he talks like this, our son has never given us a straight answer. On this particular occasion, however, our son said that he was mad and sad that his dad was noth calling him and he felt he didn't have a place in this world.

I felt I was at a crossroad. Do I continue to let our son think that his father's excuse of not being able to keep in contact with him was because of work and hope that one day he sees through this excuse or do I tell him the truth? I chose to tell him the truth. Why? Because when our son is 9 and doesn't want to be alive because his father fails to be a father figure in his life, I feel obligated to tell him the truth. After telling him that his father is basically lying to him as to why he can't keep in contact with him, I followed up by saying that it's up to him what kind of relationship he wants to have with his father. If he's okay with his dad calling every once in awhile without being upset, then so be it. But, if he can't accept the relationship with his dad that he has, then he needed to tell him.

Our son decided to call his father up to discuss this with him and the response he got from his father was that he wasn't lying to him, but couldn't give him any other reason for not calling more often. His father then decided to bring up adult issues with our son (i.e. child support he has to pay, change of schools, etc.) to prove to our son that I've been lying to him! When my son got off the phone, he was upset at me because his dad had told him that I take all of his money (his father is behind in more than $23K in child support) and that when he has changed schools I never told him (I have court documents in which are signed by his father and the courts showing proof that I have abided by the laws in keeping his father informed about this decisions).

I don't want to prevent our son from talking to his dad all together, but I also don't trust what he's going to say to our son now. Is it okay to allow our son to take phone calls so long as they are in front of me and on speaker phone so that I can intervene if I his father begins to try to begin speaking out of turn to our son? I posted these questions on another family law forum and the lawyer that replied said that since there is no court order for him to speak on the phone with his son, I don't have to allow phone conversations at all. His Dad, on the other hand, says that I cannot prevent him from talking to his son, but he has no legal documentation to back this up. Who's correct?

As it stands now, I need some advice. Was telling our son the truth about why his father doesn't keep in contact with him a mistake on my part? Have I opened a can of worms and have no where to turn or do I have options? If so, what are they?

Your child is in counseling. It is a very good idea to discuss with the counselor how to approach these subjects and form a strategy. It's not necessarily wrong to tell your son the truth, but you have to do so in a way that minimizes the damage - and is truly about helping your son, not getting back at dad for lying (and even with what we believe to be the purest of motives it can be really hard to know which we're doing, because people are really good at fooling themselves about their motives). You can't undo what you told your son, but discuss the situation with his counselor and see what the counselor suggests for moving forward from here.

I have discussed this with the counselor and gave us the advice of how to reassure our son that it's not worth thinking out "killing" yourself over something like this and that if he would do something like that it would make us all very sad because we love him so much. However, she cannot give us legal advice in terms of whether or not it's legal to not allow our son to talk to his dad until we can get a court date to correct our last judgment stipulating a set time when his dad can call to speak to him consistently or to make sure that he doesn't speak out of turn with him about conversations that are really left for his parents to speak about.

Can we legally stop his dad from having conversations with our son until we get to court to make corrections like this other lawyer said without me being penalized by the judge?

As a general, near universal rule, you should obey the court's order. If there is a basis for suspending phone contact, have a lawyer petition a court to modify the order. You can file for a temporary order or emergency order if you think the circumstances require immediate court action.

In your opinion, Mrs. Knowitall, do you think this is grounds to file a temporary order until papers can be modified? I feel it is since I cannot trust what he's going to say to our son again; however, I need to make sure that I am not acting purely on an emotional level for whatever feelings I have towards the man. Is it better for me to file first or wait to see if his father follows through with his threat on taking me to court or not?

My current husband thinks that its mearly a threat that my ex is making and he'll never follow through with it since he hasn't seen his son in so long, doesn't keep in consistent communication with his son and also owes $25K in back child support. Your thoughts?

My personal approach would be to see if your ex- is willing to join in a session with you and your son's couselor, perhaps by conference call, to try to work out these communications issues. If I were a judge hearing this, I would be reluctant to cut off all contact (although I would likely also admonish the parties not to put the child in the middle of their own issues with each other.)

I don't want to be the parent that denies all contact and have our son upset at me for doing that; however, I don't want to have to worry about what his father is going to talk about to him on the phone either which is why I suggested having his father speak to his son on speaker phone to ensure that his father doesn't have a chance to tell "secrets" to our son again that are really a direct jab at me.

As far as having a phone conversation with our counselor, in theory it sounds like a great idea, but, I pay out of pocket for the conversations (not covered by insurance) and there's no way that his father would be able to pay for half of the costs since he owes so much back child support as it is. I am thinking it would be best for me to get a court order to have us go back into mediation to work this out and cease all phone conversations until we can work out an agreement?

I've told you my position on court orders. So... I guess if it were me I would petition the court for a temporary order suspending the phone contact until further order of the court, and requesting that the court order some form of psychological review of the situation (perhaps by the child's counselor) with your ex- paying for his share, to try to resolve the contact issues ASAP. And, if at all possible, seek to enforce the support order.

Hello:

I have a court date now for April 2 in an attempt to get sole custody. The court summons was sent to my ex's County Sheriff's Dept. so that they could deliver them, but they are having trouble finding him. I think that he may be in another State now? I have a few questions.

1. What if the Sheriff's Dept. cannot locate him? Do I keep my court date and will the judge assign us a new court date or just rule in my favor?

2. If they do find him and he doesn't show up to court, does the judge reschedule a court date or rule in my favor?

Thank you for the help.

If a party cannot be located to be served, normally you would petition the court to allow substituted service - public postings, publication, mailings, and/or other notifications the court deems sufficient to make it reasonably likely that the party will be informed of the court proceeding.

If somebody does not appear following service, it would be within the court's discretion to deem the petition unopposed, and to grant it. The court might grant an adjournment, but normally a court would want to have some reason to believe that the non-appearing party would show up at an adjourned court date before granting an adjournment, as otherwise it is likely to waste everybody's time.