Mother Wants to Diminish Stepmother's Role

My question involves adoption law for the State of: California
I didn't see a forum that related to my exact topic, so I thought that I would start here. I live with my long term boyfriend, we have no plans of marrying as neither of us want to be married. He has two children with his ex wife whom he shares 50% legal and physical custody. She has always been very supportive of my role in the children's lives and, on many occasions, has said how thankful she is that I am here, how much the kids love me, if me and guy ever ended things, she'd want me to still be part of the kids' lives, etc.. However, lately, something has changed and she has become very territorial. She is trying to keep me from attending parent / teacher conferences, receiving communication from the school, bringing the kids to Dr.'s appointments, etc. My boyfriend very much wants me to have access to all of this information, attend meetings, etc as I am essentially a step-mom without the legal marriage. My question is this: does the bio mom have the right to over-ride the bio dad's choice to have me involved in school meetings, access to communication, bringing to Dr.'s appointments, etc.? Would my access or "rights" be different if we were married? Or does a person need to become a legal guardian to have access to these things if one of the parents object? I am hopeful that the tides will once again change, but in the meantime, I'd like to understand what she has the power to do, legally. Thank you!

who has legal custody of the child?

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Would my access or "rights" be different if we were married?

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No. You are a legal stranger in either situation.

they share 50/50 legal and physical custody.

the father can allow just about what he wants as far was what you asked, while the children are on his time. I will say that if the mother objects to anything, you really should respect her demands here though. You are legally nothing to the children and as long as they have a mother, you never will be.

You do realize a medical provider would be breaking the law if they disclosed anything to you without a proper HIPAA release being given, right?


You really need to step back out of this situation though. You have no legal rights. Involving yourself in the situation could cause dad some serious problems.

Again, my real question is whether or not bio mom has the right to dictate my level of involvement with the kids, thus over-riding what bio dad and I have decided. Bio dad has equal say in all matters of the children and there is no grounds for this other than bio mom feeling like I am "getting in her space". I ALWAYS support the bio mom's relationship with the children, even though she has done so much to hurt everyone. I have never spoken badly of her, I help the kids make mother's day cards for her, help them choose holiday gifts, etc.. This is a strategy, on her part, to try and control the situation. I know my place, I often refer to myself as the "parental assistant", I never try to make decisions for the children and everything I do, I do on behalf of the bio dad, never unilaterally.

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You bring up a great point. The proper HIPAA release - does that require both parent's consent or just one?

We are not trying to do anything hurtful to anyone, honestly. We all want what is best for the kids.

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Tls419;648433]Again, my real question is whether or not bio mom has the right to dictate my level of involvement with the kids, thus over-riding what bio dad and I have decided.

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when you put it that way: YES!!! You have no right to decide ANYTHING...PERIOD.

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I ALWAYS support the bio mom's relationship with the children, even though she has done so much to hurt everyone. I have never spoken badly of her, I help the kids make mother's day cards for her, help them choose holiday gifts, etc..

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yep, it's always the other person. Never some unrelated party thinking they have some right to involve themselves with their bed partners children. Sorry to tell you this but if you usurp mom's authority, dad may end up paying the penalty.

My question isn't about MY rights, it's whether or not BIO DAD has the right to decide who has what level of involvement with the children he shares legal custody of and whether or not said ex-wife has the legal right to "veto" his decisions and insist that I not do the things that both he and the children want me to do. I understand that I have ZERO rights in this scenario.

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Tls419;648437]My question isn't about MY rights,

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ya fooled me.

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, thus over-riding what bio dad and Ihave decided.

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You have no right to decide anything in this issue. That would require rights in this issue which you have none.

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it's whether or not BIO DAD

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bio dad? There is dad and not dad. Nothing else is relevant.

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has the right to decide who has what level of involvement with the children he shares legal custody of and whether or not said ex-wife has the legal right to "veto" his decisions and insist that I not do the things that both he and the children want me to do.

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put it this way; the mother has every right to drag dad into court and ask the court to find out why dad is ok with you usurping her authority and position. I suggest that is not a place dad wants to be. So, I would suggest playing nice or finding out that your intervention against mom's desires can cause some adverse action be taken against dad.

as I said; dad has a right to allow pretty much what he wants when the children are in his physical custody. He does not have the right to interfere, or approve your interference in moms time.



I suggest you find out why mom is so upset rather than trying to figure out if you can circumvent her demands. You claim it is for the best interest of the children. If that is true, you will either figure out how to calm mom or step out of the situation far enough so the children are not adversely affected.

I understand how you arrived at the conclusion that I was trying to make decisions concerning the children. However, when I referenced my decision in the quoted text, I was more referring to what I as a person who chose not to have children, was willing to be involved with the children and the day-to-day activities. Not every childless adult embraces a mixed / extended family the same way and I have never once thought that I had the right to make decisions about anything concerning the children, other than what I was willing to do. You are coming across in a slightly attacking manner which I don't really understand. I just came to this forum for information.