Is There an Order to Restrict Step Parents from Being Called Mommy or Daddy

You really think your daughter understands why Dad's new piece might be "stepMOM", but she's not allowed to call her Mom?

Really?

Its obvious the child has been told to call the gf mommy. What kid that has had mommy in their life since birth just randomly starts calling another woman mommy? Not likely. My son's father is remarried and he calls his wife ms. june and probably couldnt be coaxed into calling her mommy anyway. I can hear him telling her, 'but I have a mom' or 'but you're not my real mom'. Encouraging children to call step parents mom or dad and making disparaging remarks about the other parent to or around the child is frowned upon in my state . My bf is going after his bm for court ordered visitation and obvious parental alienation and those things are on the list of don'ts. It's worth looking into but remember at the end of the day your daughter knows who you are to her.

Are you kidding me?

Holy hannah, ALL of my grandkids have called me, their Aunty, two sets of great-grandmothers, and various random femaled "Mommy" at some point, completely unrehearsed and uncoached, and spontaneously.

And really - you are referring to the MOTHER of your boyfriend's child/ren as "biomom" and you're accusing HER of alienation? That takes some cojones, lady.

Dogmatique you seem to have a negative point of view about everything. New 'peice' ?? Yea step-MOM is the key word. I dont mind her calling her step-mom once they are married but not my title, mommy. She is already showing confusion on who has what title in the family, calling them other titles than which she has known them by her whole life. It is not only that I dont like her calling her mommy, its the fact it is damaging to our relationship, her emotional well being, and view of what respect is.

And thank you formychildren!

You create your own parental alienation with children, not simple titles. The child will grow into the difference. How are we to know you will ever be more than mother, while dads piece may, over the years, earn the title mom.

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Quoting worriedmommy

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Can I have it put into the order that any gf or new wife or bf or new husband not be called our titles? Meaning any gf or wife of his not to be called mommy, mom, mama, ext. and same for me?

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You can ask. Getting can be more complicated. Some judges will be much more receptive to that kind of motion than others.

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Quoting eepk

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If you have a lawyer ask him to put something in your court papers about it, but I'm not sure how that can even be upheld.

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And that can be quite a problem, with parents grilling small children, "You just said 'mommy' when you meant her - did your dad make you do that?" Potentially trying to prove in court that a small child's slip of the tongue is the basis for a contempt charge....

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Quoting eepk

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If it were me I would sit my child down and explain that it's not okay to call anyone else mommy. That you are her only mom. While it's okay to like dad's g/f, that doesn't make her your mom and you shouldn't call her anything but her name.

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Actually, the aggrieved parent should talk to the other parent and come to an agreement with the other parent. It is not appropriate to put the child in the middle. "Mommy says she's my only real mother and that I can't call you anything but 'Susan'".

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Quoting eepk

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Dad/gf should have a little respect for mom, I'm sure dad wouldn't like it if roles were reversed.

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Perhaps not, but sometimes being a good parent means putting up with stuff you don't like, and that can include the manner in which a child bonds with and relates to your ex's S.O. or spouse.

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Quoting worriedmommy

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The father was absent in her life for four years... for what reason exactly I dont know.

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You've been in custody litigation for 18 months, after a four year absence, and you haven't yet asked why he was absent?

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Quoting worriedmommy

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And all the things I said she told me before was her comming to me... I didnt ask her about those things....

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You previously told us the opposite:

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Quoting worriedmommy

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During a phone conversation with my daughter I heard them refer to the gf as mommy to my daughter and it is becomming more noticable now that she is calling her mommy. I asked my daughter if she was and in fact she is.

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Quoting worriedmommy

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But if while in counsling it is discovered this is causeing her problems then he will be held acountable by the court order.

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If you create the distress first by turning this into an issue, and making your daughter guard her words and feel guilty about what she calls her father's S.O., you need to bear your share of the responsibility for any problems that result. From what you've told us so far, up to the point you confronted your daughter and told her not to call her father's S.O. "mom", you were the only one who had a problem with this. You've made no claim that the father put any pressure on the child, or told her "Call my S.O. 'mom'", and if this was something the child started to do spontaneously it can be awkward for the father to address without putting the child in the middle, even if he would prefer that his S.O. be called something other than mom.

If you are telling us that your daughter is in counseling, or there is some form of family counseling relating to the divorce and custody situation, it seems like the first place to discuss these issues would be with the counselor, when the child is not present.

Oh he has told me his story of why he was absent. He says that he didnt know where I lived, but I have e-mails from him and letters to my daughter sent from him to her at my address. He never gave me his new address or numb. all I had was an e-mail that he quit communicating to me through every since he quit his job. I tried to get him to visit and have documentation of this. But he will carry this lie to his grave. So the real reason behind him not visiting.. I really don't know, I could only assume and I would rather just let it go.

I did not previously say the opposite. When I said "And all the things I said she told me before was her comming to me... I didnt ask her about those things.... "things" , meaning the statements I mentioned before stating that I asked her if she was calling her mommy.

However I do understand your point about putting the child in the middle and I don't want to do that to my daughter. I however did already talk with her about it. I do not want to make her feel like she has to gaurd her words. I will bring it up in the next counsling session and have a talk with dad about it also. My daughter has always called her by name when around me, I have never heard her call her that. But when she calls to his house dad or brother over there will say "Do you want to talk to mommy?" The son over there calls her mom so its intentionaly intended for her. I am not going to lie it is very painful to hear them refer to her as my title, but regardless to avoid contributing to the hell my daughter is going through I will talk to the counsler about an issue I have before reacting to it.

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Quoting worriedmommy

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But when she calls to his house dad or brother over there will say "Do you want to talk to mommy?" The son over there calls her mom so its intentionaly intended for her. I am not going to lie it is very painful to hear them refer to her as my title, but regardless to avoid contributing to the hell my daughter is going through I will talk to the counsler about an issue I have before reacting to it.

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Umm....you are already reacting to it. Overreacting actually. Is the brother yours as well? If not, why would you expect him to refer to his mother by anything but mom, mommy, mother, etc.. If he is yours, why are you okay with him using mom but not your daughter? It would be asinine to expect him to tailor his parental references for your daughter. Heck, an argument could be made that having your daughter be the only one to refer to "mom" by her name would be highly disruptive for any other kids in the house. Maybe your child is simply following the lead of the other child(ren) in that they call her mom? She might refer to her by her proper name in your presence because around you, you are mom. Or perhaps because she knows you prefer it that way?

As for your harping about step-mom being okay if they get married: It is 2012. Not all parents get married ya know so technically, if not legally, step-mom or mom would be okay for any committed relationship.

I am reading this and see the disrespect. She is not "mommy". She is not "mom". She is not "step-mom". She is not M.O.M. (my other mom -- which by the way, I am disgusted that some people even try to use that term). If bio-mom does not want anyone else with her "title", then the bio-dad and this other lady SHOULD respect her wishes. Obviously they are disrespectful. Honestly, even if the child will not or does not call her "mommy or m.o.m.", if this other woman refers to herself as "m.o.m. or mommy", you know she has some major issues because SHE IS NOT MOM. Especially knowing that the child already has her mom in her life. I am sorry but I agree, there is only one mom. Even "step-mom"s can go away, divorce, etc and then where does that leave the child? Huh... well, she called herself my "m.o.m." but now she wants nothing to do with me because her and my dad divorced........ I really do wish people would just be respectful of the true bio-parent's wishes when it comes to titles. The children just get confused. PS. I'm maybe more sensitive to this because I have had to go through this twice already with "calling someone else mom" and then the so-called "mom" is suddenly not there and has no more contact with my children. You would think after the 2nd or 3rd marriage people would get a clue and just have kids call them by their name (NOT mom).

free9man, yea, isnt that what I just admitted to... I dont think I am overreacting, but I admit there may have been better way to approach the situation. Beat me up all you want Im not perfect but I am willing to learn. And actually the brother at her dads is dad's son by a whole nother woman. This gf of dads is not even his mom. I have one kid from one marrage.

Chede, thank you for your post. I still do not agree with the idea for some of the same reasons. The son that is over there used to be my step son and he in fact called me mommy too. When I left it was heart breaking I couldnt have him with me and ex wouldnt let me visit him either, I can only imagine how this made him feel, affecting the rest of his life. This ex of mine is very abusive and it is very possible that may be the reason they havnt gotten married yet.