Mother Keeps Child when She Feels Like It During Our Visitation

And we GET that, we really do.

I'm also a stepparent. But frankly, Dad needs to act. Because there is, quite literally, nothing you can do legally as a stepparent.

Not in court, she isn't your concern. Be as supportive all you like outside of court, but in court LEAVE IT TO DAD or you can make things worse.

wow, where it started out with a reasonable explanation of her feelings and what seemed like she understands why she is being told what she is, it quickly degrades to:

"I'm on the wrong website".



are you having hormonal problem semblue?

Not a serious question but really, flip flopping such as that really suggest you might be a larger part of the problem than you admit or realize.

Seriously, you have said so many things that it is difficult to address all of them adequately without writing a novel. If you wish to stick around, the posters here do have considerable knowledge concerning what you seek. If you don't, well, best of luck for the girl. It does appear there are some real problems that do need to be addressed. Hopefully she will get the help she needs to be able to cope with a warring bunch of adults.

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My intentions were not to get snippy it just seems as a stepmother my place in this all gets disregarded

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.that is because although you are involved in the overall dynamics of the situation, legally, you have no standing to be in court concerning this.

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I have to clean up the mess being the part time mom

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. sorry you feel that way. A mom is never part time in my opinion. Whether the child is with you or not, you exist in the same capacity and relationship with the child. Maybe that is part of your problem: you are jealous because you are only a "part time mom".

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Me and my husband do not fight in front of our kids.

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Are the walls in your house soundproof? Do you give each other "looks"? Your communication with your husband changes,. Kids pick up on that. They aren't dumb.

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My stepdaughter has the issues in school and with her behavior when she is with her mother.

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but that does not mean school or the mother is the problem. That is merely where it manifests as a display. Have you ever noticed that in some religions, the kids are very restrained from any activity? Ever notice what happens when they get away from their parents? I guess that means the problem is that the child is allowed to be away from their parents at all since that is when the problem is able activity is seen. Obviously that is not true just as your argument that since the child acts up when at school or with mom that that is proof of those places being the problem. It goes much deeper than that.

but really, you are telling her mom's influence is wrong. How do you expect her to react and act around her mother? You are telling her mom is bad. She seems to be accepting your word on it.

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The only problem we have with her at our house is the lying. She has told us numerous times she wants to live with us .

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let's see: she acts up at her mothers house but not at yours. She wants to live with you. Maybe she is acting up at moms house so mom won't want her there. Ever think of that? Still, it doesn't mean mom is necessarily doing anything wrong. Kids attempt to manipulate adults in many ways.

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The mother demeans us in front of my step daughter and it is hard to deal with

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.that one I agree with you.

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We have no contact or conversations with her mother when the child is around

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so the child realizes there is a problem in that relationship
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I have had to clean her rashed privates,

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??????????????????

c

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and try to teach her that her mothers influence is wrong without saying that or belittling the mother.

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mom's influence is wrong? How about just telling her the mother is the devil incarnate? Mom;s influence is NOT wrong. She may be teaching the child things that are wrong but her influence is not wrong.

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Ther is nothing personal against her mother and me at all

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.You just said there was, multiple times.

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She has assaulted me physically before which we have reported as well.

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and that isn't personal?

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.me and my husband have been to court together before and that's why we have 40 % custody now

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.dang lady, if I could prove mom is as bad as you are claiming, (and I was the father) I would have 100% custody with mom having, at most, supervised visits.

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I have took her to counseling and her mother wouldn't do her part in taking her

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have YOU been to counseling? Has dad been to counseling? If not, you did not do your part. You need to learn how to deal with and even control these situation. You need to learn how to relate to your step-daughter in a way that actually supports the mother rather than degrading her. This is HER daughter you are attempting to alienate from her.
and yes, that is what I see. Teaching a child to not listen to mom because her influence is bad is alienating the child.

and I just realized: we have took[sic] her to counseling. That should be: we are taking her to counseling. Given the problems, she needs to have counseling right now.

Actually you hit on a very important point there, JK.

Teaching a child that Mom is bad/child shouldn't listen to Mom/Mom is a bad influence can actually cause the parent to LOSE parenting time and/or custody.

If it's a stepparent doing it? That's even worse. We, as stepparents, have absolutely NO business doing anything of the sort. The more I'm reading, the more I'm seeing that Mom is not the only problem here.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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Actually you hit on a very important point there, JK.
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You mean you read that entire diatribe? I'm honored.

I read most, if not all of your posts, JK - at least the ones in family law :)

In fact, I love reading a lot of your posts elsewhere too, because you tend to have this almost unearthly patience with ..well, I could say "idiots", but that's a little harsh. Let's just say, "the more argumentative posters".

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Quoting Dogmatique

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I read most, if not all of your posts, JK - at least the ones in family law :)

In fact, I love reading a lot of your posts elsewhere too, because you tend to have this almost unearthly patience with ..well, I could say "idiots", but that's a little harsh. Let's just say, "the more argumentative posters".

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Another poster has said a similar thing in a PM. I respect him but doubted the statement. Thank you.

I have to copy this and hand it out to my family though. They will never believe it.

LOL and I'm deadly serious, too - sometimes I'll read your posts on a gazillion-page thread and sit here wondering how the heck you do it. :D

/apologies for the hijack, OP.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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I'll read your posts on a gazillion-page thread and sit here wondering how the heck you do it. :D

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Cause jk either has the patience of Job, or the liquor of Ireland. Or both.

are you having hormonal problem semblue?No hormonal problems just an upset parent.








. sorry you feel that way. A mom is never part time in my opinion. Whether the child is with you or not, you exist in the same capacity and relationship with the child. Maybe that is part of your problem: you are jealous because you are only a "part time mom".This is your opinion and thats perfectly fine. In no way am i jealous or ever will be. I came on this sight not for opinions or to be judged I just needed direction.

Are the walls in your house soundproof? Do you give each other "looks"? Your communication with your husband changes,. Kids pick up on that. They aren't dumb.My walls are not soundproof we simply just dont have things to fight about. We have a very happy home my children are very protected here and when me and my spouse do have disaghreements we dotn yell we talk them out so we do not need soundproof walls.And talking out disagreements that are suitable in front of the children is very healthy for them to see.

but that does not mean school or the mother is the problem. That is merely where it manifests as a display. Have you ever noticed that in some religions, the kids are very restrained from any activity? Ever notice what happens when they get away from their parents? I guess that means the problem is that the child is allowed to be away from their parents at all since that is when the problem is able activity is seen. Obviously that is not true just as your argument that since the child acts up when at school or with mom that that is proof of those places being the problem. It goes much deeper than that.I did not intend to make it appear the school was the problem. We have a good relationship with my stepdaughters teachers and they have even come to the conclusion that they know whose house my stepdaughter is at due her behavior.We simply do not let her get away with misbehaving and my stepdaughter is aware of that. We believe this is why she doesnt act out when with us.

but really, you are telling her mom's influence is wrong. How do you expect her to react and act around her mother? You are telling her mom is bad. She seems to be accepting your word on it.Sorry but re-read my post. I do not tell my stepdaughter that her mother is wrong .EVER. i do have to teach her that the lying, stealing, and the bullying, that is acceptable at her mothers is not acceptable at all, At our house or anywhere else.I to have to teach her that poor hygiene, which is acceptable at her moms, is not the right way to be. I never tell her that this is due to her mother .My stepdaughter is old enough to know that her actions and hyigene are her responsiblity.But it is up to an adult to instill these positive, not negative behaviors.

[COLOR=#333333] let's see: she acts up at her mothers house but not at yours. She wants to live with you. Maybe she is acting up at moms house so mom won't want her there. Ever think of that? I do think that might be the reason she acts out over there. But the problem goes back to trying to take a child away from a mother is hard
.that one I agree with you.


c mom's influence is wrong? How about just telling her the mother is the devil incarnate? Mom;s influence is NOT wrong. She may be teaching the child things that are wrong but her influence is not wrong.On this note: The mother is terribly wrong and neglectful I just cant express that to my stepdaughter becuase it is not right. I am very aware of the damage it will do if I bash her mom to her. I do not do that at all and niether does her father.



and that isn't personal?It is to her . I dont know what her reasoning for this is but I dont take it personal. I know the woman has issues and is an alcoholic. I have done nnothing to her to make her not like me. Shes mentally unstable.

.dang lady, if I could prove mom is as bad as you are claiming, (and I was the father) I would have 100% custody with mom having, at most, supervised visits.This is ultimately what were trying to do. Thats why I am on this sight so someone can direct us where to find a good attorney. My husband is not computer savvy at all so I help him with this.

have YOU been to counseling? Has dad been to counseling? If not, you did not do your part. You need to learn how to deal with and even control these situation.Maybe i didnt correctly note this but we:me, my step daughter ,and her father have been and go to counseling sessions.The mother refuses to take her on her time though. You need to learn how to relate to your step-daughter in a way that actually supports the mother rather than degrading her. This is HER daughter you are attempting to alienate from her.
and yes, that is what I see.I will not support a bad situation and once again I do not degrade her mother to her at all. Teaching a child to not listen to mom because her influence is bad is alienating the child.I never tell her not to listen to her mother I simply try to teach her what is right and wrong, never bringing up her mom to her.