My 8 Year Old Son Doesn't Want to Go to His Mom on Scheduled Visits

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Georgia

So im new here but i know what i want to say. I have custody of my son, his mother only sees him at her convience. He has been put in situations that no 8 yr old shoud... the emotional turmoil has taken a toll on him alot lately. I have a fiance who has a 10 yr old and we just had a little boy together. Since then my son hasreally not wanted to go to his mothers. she clls and cancels allthe time or tries to reschedule. i used to work with her until recently this year. When she told me i wasnot followng our temporary divorce decree. So i started following them to a T, now she blames me because i go by the papers and dont let hr get him when its convient for her. She is about 1100 behind in child support and only falling frther behind.
on dec 19 sean called his mom and again told her he didnt wanna come up on christmas break,she immediately started saying you dont wanna see me? you dont loveme? and things of that nature ! i snatch the phone at that point he is hysterical. I made the deciion he didnt have to go. I had spoken to officers and a lawyer but hecant do anything right now. so baically all i really want to know is how is it she filed a police report when she isnt the sole custodial parent. she sent an officer out CHRISMAS morning to make somehing happen and ofcourse the cop checked on the child and he was fine and didnt wanna leave and told the office that. howcan i change this>>> she has only started trying to make a change and show up since me and my fiance got together andshe ralized sean had a motherly figure now and he has started losing interst in her. And since his little brother came home he really doesnt wanna got...
Cant i use the emotional abuse she puts on my son as something to get supervised visits for?

Congratulations, you are in contempt of court.

If there is a court order giving her visitation over Christmas break, then he goes. It is not a court suggestion or a court guideline - it is a court ORDER. Neither you nor your son get to unilaterally decide not to follow it. Mom's reasons for showing up don 't matter. And if you think that's emotional abuse, brother, you need to get out more.

Until or unless a court says otherwise (and nothing you have posted has suggested that a court would do so) when the order says Mom gets the kid, Mom gets the kid. If he doesn't want to go - tough. It is YOUR JOB to see that he goes anyway.

well... another question then... why will cops not eforce it . and if the child doesnt want to go how old does he have to be before he can make that decision i was told he is old enough to make the decision just couldnt decide to changehis living arrangements.

And I'll go even further - Dad, allowing your son to call Mom and say that was a TERRIFICALLY bad idea.

It's time for a reality check. Your son is 8 years old - do you want him to start playing you off against Mom? Do you think that he should have such power over you both?

No?

Then STOP IT. Because you're setting yourself up for a nightmare here.

And worse? You withheld CHRISTMAS visitation. The courts take that stuff incredibly seriously, far more-so than regular visitation. If this seems like I'm being harsh, it's because I want you to realize that if you continue on this path, you can LOSE CUSTODY.

Are we on the same page, Dad?

Edited to add: He chooses when he's 18. Not a moment before.

(The reason why the police won't enforce is because it's a civil matter. The court can, however, seriously smack you)

Hey Dad... if you don't think this is craptastic parenting, wait a year or two when you tell him no to something he really wants to do.

How will you feel when he tells you he would just rather stay at mom's for a year or so? Why, you will be hurt and angry and demand he come home. Welcome to mom's world.

You make your child go to school, the dentist and the doctor whether he wants to or not. Why you would think it is okay to force him to go to THOSE places but not to see his own mother is just breath taking. You see, a judge will see it is less about your ability to force a child to go somewhere and more about whether or not you think mom's house is important.

That is NOT a conversation you want to have with a judge. you see, the nice judge will decide to flip custody to make up for lost time. Yup... mom will become the custodial parent and YOU get to see him Wednesdays and every other weekend.

you either facilitate time with mom or the judge will force the issue. Your choice.

Now, be a dad and not a buddy. Do not, EVER, involve your child in custody issues, you coward. Having him go on the phone to tell mom he didn't want to see her was one of the worst thing I have ever heard any parent do. If mom didn't go to court today, she is missing a prime opportunity to regain custodial rights.

Be a man and stop using your child as a chip on a game table. It isn't about winning or losing but about what is best for the child.

yea we are on the same page ... however i guess i should go more into detail of the last 4 years ... mom asked tohave sean call so he did and the first thing out of his mouth is he didnt wanna go she was notified more than once that he didnt wanna go and he asked to come up a few days later she would not bend. she gets pissed becasue sean asked me how much she would be working forthe duration of his visit and i told hm exactly what she told me .. she was working all but three days.Last year becaseu we went thru this again and becaase he wanted to stay with me again she agred that if we brought him up she would allow it. there was alot said and frm the legaladvice i got from a locl lawyer i was in no wrong. yea i didnt enforce my son to do/go somewhere he didnt want to. HE has grwn up way faster than he should have becasue his mother has always let him know the legal stuff that any 6-8 yr old shouldnt kniow.... she walkedout on him and i ... im not using him toplay againist anyone! when is it when its ok to let the child think fir himself? make his own opinions and decisions about things thatpertain to him? hes not in a stable envirment up there carted around and never surof where he will b at night and left lone while her and he fl of the month go off to a party for hours?

She doesn't HAVE to bend.

It shouldn't even be open for discussion - it's a case of "Sean, this isn't up to you. You're going to Mom's. Have a great time!". And frankly, even telling Mom was a bad thing. Did you correct Sean's understanding of the matter? You didn't, did you? Did you explain that court orders are ORDERS and must be followed? You're enabling this situation, Dad. And if Mom pushes it and you keep doing this, you're going to lose custody.

Do you understand that?

The attorney you spoke to is absolutely wrong and frankly I don't believe that the attorney told you that at all.

A child who is 8 years old is way to young to choose not to see his mother - not just because he is only 8, but also because it is the wrong decision. Its up to you to teach your CHILD, as his PARENT, the proper perspective on the situation, and have some respect for his mother regardless of whether or not he (or you) feel that she is deserving of that respect. Why? Because showing respect to ones parents as a child is always an appropriate thing to do. That doesn't mean he has to like or agree with everything she does, but it does mean that he needs to understand that spending time with her is important, even if not fun, and that he doesn't get to choose these things, because he is a CHILD, and children follow rules and show respect.

Like i said i guess i should elaborate more! I am his father not his buddy. She is the one that uses him as a pawn i have never i mean never usdmy son as chip butwhen it comes to his mother he makes his own decisions! The dr dentist andschool are matter of health anda career going to his moms is nothing but a scary mess! A week with out a shower no personal hgene sleeping on the floor or a couch going to work with her at a retail place for 8 hours a day. Being left home alne and all the emotional mistreatment! I nor my fiance have nver said onecross word about her in front of o with in ear shot of him... She tried to come pick him up wih out his booster seat , which we hve sent threeup there to her wth ... Then after borrowing another one of ours she still brings him home with out one becuse she "forgot " to puthim in one cuse she just didnt think it was important.... I knw he loveshis mom and i have never rfused her seein him and just like the lawyer said i dont have to sit around and wait on her to get him when she pleases. If the cild doesnt wanna go wht am i to do cause he dont feel safe up there? She has a male roomate i have never met norknow anything about ... Her ex had history of child abuse and domestic violence... But that makes me the bad guy for feelin unsureofsending my son up there?i wnat to go before a judge! I want to i have documentation for the last 4 yrs since she left us. Her selling drugs and being around him while doing it.
Again i never bring up this shit with him hes 8 ****ing years old! I know not to ! I guess it was ignornt on my part not to fully disclse thewhole issue at hand!

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Quoting Seansdaddy311

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yea we are on the same page ... however i guess i should go more into detail of the last 4 years ... mom asked tohave sean call so he did and the first thing out of his mouth is he didnt wanna go she was notified more than once that he didnt wanna go and he asked to come up a few days later she would not bend. she gets pissed becasue sean asked me how much she would be working forthe duration of his visit and i told hm exactly what she told me .. she was working all but three days.Last year becaseu we went thru this again and becaase he wanted to stay with me again she agred that if we brought him up she would allow it. there was alot said and frm the legaladvice i got from a locl lawyer i was in no wrong. yea i didnt enforce my son to do/go somewhere he didnt want to. HE has grwn up way faster than he should have becasue his mother has always let him know the legal stuff that any 6-8 yr old shouldnt kniow.... she walkedout on him and i ... im not using him toplay againist anyone! when is it when its ok to let the child think fir himself? make his own opinions and decisions about things thatpertain to him? hes not in a stable envirment up there carted around and never surof where he will b at night and left lone while her and he fl of the month go off to a party for hours?

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she doesn't have to bend.

Are you saying you never work when he is in YOUR custody?

he gets to make his choice upon his 18th birthday.

why would you think we would care who walked out on whom?

Are you saying the answer to his instability is to never let him go to mom's?

Yup, mom should pursue custodial... you aren't getting this.

We did let him know but we also let him talk to the officer and the officer let him know that nothing coul be dne until we went to court ! and that is when the attorney said we would be able to get moe done cause the ifo we ave no wil result in nothigmore than th mother getting a lecture. i dont wnat that i am tired of HER using him as a pawn and only seeing him when she isnt off getting drunk and partyig

YOU ARE USING YOUR SON AS A PAWN.

You're just not seeing it.

But, that aside, the bottom line remains: Sean goes on visitation - period. You obey that court order to the letter. If Mom doesn't turn up? That's up to her. But you, and Sean, do NOT get to make the decision.

You have no reason to go to court. Mom on the other hand? Mom might.

no i wa nt saying anything about neverleting him go to his moms... but the week long visits she does get he doesnt wanna go ... he goes on the weekends she DECIDES to cme get him and he is ok with that but over the past 6 month he has showed less and less interst in going...
i understand i dont let him lay out of school he ges torgular dr visits and has a bedtime... but he dont mind doin that ! he never argues with me... and so your telling me that when she call im spposd to tell him wat tosay? i hand him the phone and let him speak freely is that wrong o my prt a well????

how am i using him as a pawn? honestly? we dont speak of his mom to him and we dont try to. he came to me with this and his mom called to talk to him and those were his words not ours and im the bad guy>?

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Quoting Seansdaddy311

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Like i said i guess i should elaborate more! I am his father not his buddy. She is the one that uses him as a pawn i have never i mean never usdmy son as chip butwhen it comes to his mother he makes his own decisions!

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No, he doesn't. Really, did you have a recent head injury? It shouldn't be this hard.

He is 8. You are under a court order to deliver him to mom. Neither of you has a say in the matter.

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The dr dentist andschool are matter of health anda career going to his moms is nothing but a scary mess!

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No, it is a matter of LAW. Failing to follow a court order can have terrible outcomes... like losing custody.

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A week with out a shower

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My kids were showering on their own at 6.

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no personal hgene sleeping on the floor or a couch going to work with her at a retail place for 8 hours a day.

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Not illegal. Teach the kid how to wash himself. he is 8.

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Being left home alne and all the emotional mistreatment!

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so you were looking in the window? You know what happened and the words said or are you empowering an 8 year old to tattle on mom's behavior when you aren't around.

congrats, you just upped your score on the craptastic parent meter.

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I nor my fiance have nver said onecross word about her in front of o with in ear shot of him...

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Well, except when you interrogate him about what happens at mom's house. I am sure that since the only person you require him to give a minute by minute account of is mom that he doesn't understand mom's house is different.

You really think you are raising a gerbil, don't you?

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She tried to come pick him up wih out his booster seat , which we hve sent threeup there to her wth ... Then after borrowing another one of ours she still brings him home with out one becuse she "forgot " to puthim in one cuse she just didnt think it was important.... I knw he loveshis mom and i have never rfused her seein him and just like the lawyer said i dont have to sit around and wait on her to get him when she pleases.

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You either facilitate the meetings with mom or hope she will with you when custody is reversed. your choice.

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If the cild doesnt wanna go wht am i to do cause he dont feel safe up there?

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You tell him to get in the car. What do you tell him when he doesn't want to go to the dentist because he doesn't like it there?

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She has a male roomate i have never met norknow anything about ... Her ex had history of child abuse and domestic violence...

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Not relevant. One guy isn't there and you don't like the other because you don't know anything about him. Have you released your fiancee's criminal history and recent drug screen to mom - or is that just another on the list of things that only mom has to do?

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But that makes me the bad guy for feelin unsureofsending my son up there?i wnat to go before a judge! I want to i have documentation for the last 4 yrs since she left us. Her selling drugs and being around him while doing it.

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Oh, so you have proof she sold drugs with the child around? Proof? Why didn't you call the police and report the crime?

Because you don't have proof. You really don't want to go back to court. You will lose BADLY.

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Again i never bring up this shit with him hes 8 ****ing years old! I know not to ! I guess it was ignornt on my part not to fully disclse thewhole issue at hand!

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Nothing in your full disclosure changes a single thing.

Send the boy. Apologize to mom. Hope she doesn't take you to court for contempt of the court order.

this is te first time in four years this has hapened... all due to the emotional guilt she put on hm ! so im a good parent if i send him up here to b more emotionally distraught and hurt by her ?

Dad, please listen. I know that you're frustrated, okay? But let your emotions go. This is business. This is legalities. This is court. This is law. Okay?

Sean goes - whether he wants to or not. Sean needs to understand (sooner rather than later) that sometimes, he's going to have to do things he doesn't want to do. He needs to understand that it's just not his choice. It's not open for discussion. Period. Even if.

That's honestly, truly, the bottom line.

(Frankly yes - he should not be speaking to his other parent in that manner. And you should be correcting it)

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Quoting Seansdaddy311

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this is te first time in four years this has hapened... all due to the emotional guilt she put on hm ! so im a good parent if i send him up here to b more emotionally distraught and hurt by her ?

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I'm sorry, what? You allowed your son to tell Mom that he didn't want to go, then withheld visitation, and Mom is the bad guy?

You say that you don't involve your son in all of this, yet you let him talk to the police officer?

You really are not getting this (as someone else already noticed).

Yes, there is quite a bit that you can do to help your son gain the proper perspective on his relationship and time with mom, things to teach him how to cope, for him to do in different situations with his mom, ways to deal with his feelings, etc. If you don't know how to teach him these things, find a counselor or someone else who can help.

But you should not, cannot, must not, absolutely do not let him think that he can choose or withhold him from mom during her time.

ok so where did anything come up about us drilling him about his visits?he comes home talking about this the only thing we ask s if he had fun and if he took a showe,,, he knws t home after dinner its showers then brush teeth.... but becaus nothing is enforced up there he does what he wnts because as SHE puts it in written statements,
imnot a good mommy but im just trying to be his friend"
she knows al about my fiance and i would submit anything she wanted, the proof i had is not going to work no because the person who bought the drugs wont go to court and b like yea that was me
i really just dont see your point sir. i dont understand im still not putting all mybusiness out there... the attorny knows guess ill stuck to te real lawyers

the officer had to speak with him tomake sure he was healthy and not being held against his will.. the officer himself had gone thru the same thing .. he told us nothin could b done

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Quoting Seansdaddy311

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We did let him know but we also let him talk to the officer and the officer let him know that nothing coul be dne until we went to court ! and that is when the attorney said we would be able to get moe done cause the ifo we ave no wil result in nothigmore than th mother getting a lecture. i dont wnat that i am tired of HER using him as a pawn and only seeing him when she isnt off getting drunk and partyig

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Make sure you bring the attorney that is telling you it is okay to ignore a court order to court with you. It is always fun to watch a judge threaten an attorney with disbarment.

Are you saying you don't drink or go to parties when YOU have the boy? Oh, that's okay though.... because you aren't mom.

Mom isn't going to get a lecture. YOU are... if you are lucky. If you are unlucky, mom will be taking the boy home with her. I don't think you realize how close to losing custody with this attitude you are.... telling the boy he doesn't have to go (and you have done this or the boy wouldn't even think it was possible not to go), having your new bed buddy pretend to be mom, interrogating him about his time with mom....

Yup... i wonder how your tune will change when you only get Wednesdays, every other weekend and every other Christmas.... I wonder how YOU will like it when the boy says he doesn't want to go to Dad's.

We will just have to see.

and i have been making him for the last 6 months, he knows that as well... but when she talks to him in that manner i cant do anhin abouti? shes the reason he came home and asked if i worked 30 hours overtime would mommy still have to pay child support

No one here said mommy was super mom, or even an ok mom.

Doesn't really change the answer, ethically or legally. She's still mom, and children follow rules and respect their parents. No buts. Teach your son to do that, even if you feel his situation is less than ideal.

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Quoting Seansdaddy311

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ok so where did anything come up about us drilling him about his visits?he comes home talking about this the only thing we ask s if he had fun and if he took a showe,,,

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And when he goes into detail beyond that you stop him, right? Nope, you let him talk about all this other stuff because you figure you can use it in the future to keep mom away from your boy... because mom is such a pain in your new family.

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he knws t home after dinner its showers then brush teeth.... but becaus nothing is enforced up there he does what he wnts because as SHE puts it in written statements,
imnot a good mommy but im just trying to be his friend"

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So he knows what he SHOULD be doing and doesn't do it. Oh well.

And you want this kid deciding CUSTODY when he can't even figure out he should be showering on his own?

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she knows al about my fiance and i would submit anything she wanted, the proof i had is not going to work no because the person who bought the drugs wont go to court and b like yea that was me

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So, you have nothing. Moving on....

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i really just dont see your point sir. i dont understand im still not putting all mybusiness out there... the attorny knows guess ill stuck to te real lawyers

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if your attorney told you it was okay to ignore a court order based upon the wishes of an 8 year old, your attorney found his JD in the back of a taxicab.

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the officer had to speak with him tomake sure he was healthy and not being held against his will.. the officer himself had gone thru the same thing .. he told us nothin could b done

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Don't take legal advice from a cop. If mom had shown up with the custody order, the officer should have turned the child over. If the officer was doing a goodwill visit, making sure the child was okay was all he was supposed to do.

If I was you, I would get used to seeing your child only occasionally.

um no i dont go thank you i cantrmember the last time i got drunk for christs sake ! i work two jobs right now so that my fiancecan sta home with the children. and honetly where can you come at me saying that? mynew bdbuddy pretend to b mom? she has two children of her own ! She doesnt have time to sit down and"interroate" him... she is the motherly figure in the house to her children i she supposed to shun sean and not b anything to him? i wish i hd a keyboard and enough time to type everythingthat has gone on in the past four years.. myb then i wouldnt b gettin treated like this. if you only knew...guess this was a waste of time... ill stick to the lawyer and the cops here

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Quoting Seansdaddy311

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um no i dont go thank you i cantrmember the last time i got drunk for christs sake ! i work two jobs right now so that my fiancecan sta home with the children. and honetly where can you come at me saying that? mynew bdbuddy pretend to b mom? she has two children of her own ! She doesnt have time to sit down and"interroate" him... she is the motherly figure in the house to her children i she supposed to shun sean and not b anything to him? i wish i hd a keyboard and enough time to type everythingthat has gone on in the past four years.. myb then i wouldnt b gettin treated like this. if you only knew...guess this was a waste of time... ill stick to the lawyer and the cops here

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Oh good grief.

I wish you had a keyboard too, but that's besides the point.

Dad. STOP IT. The LAW says that you MUST make your son available for Mom's visitation. MUST. Not "might", not "kinda sorta will think about it" and certainly not "I'll let him make up his own mind".

THAT is the bottom line.

But you go ahead. Do what you want to do. Let Sean start deciding his own terms.

You'll be back here in about a year, asking us how to enforce visitation because Mom now has custody.

Shaking my head here.

umm every officer and lawyer i hvve tlked to agreed ifthe child is in my possession and doesnot want to go with his mom NO MATTER IF SHE HAS ORDER OR NOT they can not focefully make him go with her
a pain in my newfamly?really? she isnt a pain... we bent over backwards to let her have him when she want until she stopped working with us as well then i went by th paprs and iwas the bad guy. and yea i didnt make my son go tohis moms but only after i had spoke to attorneys andofficers

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Quoting Seansdaddy311

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umm every officer and lawyer i hvve tlked to agreed ifthe child is in my possession and doesnot want to go with his mom NO MATTER IF SHE HAS ORDER OR NOT they can not focefully make him go with her
a pain in my newfamly?really? she isnt a pain... we bent over backwards to let her have him when she want until she stopped working with us as well then i went by th paprs and iwas the bad guy. and yea i didnt make my son go tohis moms but only after i had spoke to attorneys andofficers

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THEY cannot physically force the child to go. That is correct.

BUT YOU CAN AND SHOULD BE DOING THAT.

You're really not helping yourself. You're not understanding a darned thing here, are you? And you're quite plainly not understanding what you've been told by these many cops and lawyers (their numbers appear to have risen somewhat. Odd, that)

Once again. Knock it off, or lose custody.

It's that simple.

Mom may be the worst mother ever, and you might be father of the year (though some of the decisions you've made and written of here don't seem to point to that). Heck, gf might be "motherly" figure of the year. So happy for him that he has you there for him. None of that is really relevant to the fact that your son goes to his mom's whenever she chooses to exercise her time, and that he doesn't choose.

And no, I wouldn't be taking legal advice from a police officer concerning a civil matter. I think I'd also be looking for a more competent attorney (or perhaps listening a little better to the one I do have).

You are the type of father that perpetuates the stereotypes that make it harder for fathers like me when we go in front of our own judges. Please stop. For you own good, and for your kid's.

I give up.

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Quoting FatherWhoWon

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Mom may be the worst mother ever, and you might be father of the year (though some of the decisions you've made and written of here don't seem to point to that). Heck, gf might be "motherly" figure of the year. So happy for him that he has you there for him. None of that is really relevant to the fact that your son goes to his mom's whenever she chooses to exercise her time, and that he doesn't choose.

And no, I wouldn't be taking legal advice from a police officer concerning a civil matter. I think I'd also be looking for a more competent attorney (or perhaps listening a little better to the one I do have).

You are the type of father that perpetuates the stereotypes that make it harder for fathers like me when we go in front of our own judges. Please stop. For you own good, and for your kid's.

I give up.

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Might I co-sign, please?

:)

Absolutely.

Maybe after OP cools down, he'll let some of the things you've said sink in and take them to heart.

Or maybe not. Some people choose to learn their lessons the hard way. Hopefully OP isn't one of them.

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Quoting Seansdaddy311

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umm every officer and lawyer i hvve tlked to agreed ifthe child is in my possession and doesnot want to go with his mom NO MATTER IF SHE HAS ORDER OR NOT they can not focefully make him go with her
a pain in my newfamly?really? she isnt a pain... we bent over backwards to let her have him when she want until she stopped working with us as well then i went by th paprs and iwas the bad guy. and yea i didnt make my son go tohis moms but only after i had spoke to attorneys andofficers

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Okay, you are either of below average intelligence (as evidenced by your inability to complete a single sentence without a typo or a misspelled word) or just don't want to hear anything that doesn't let you completely control every situation.

Enjoy court. Bring all the lawyers and officers (the many many officers and lawyers that are willing to advise you to ignore the self same court orders that they have to execute upon every day) to court with you so that they can all tell the judge his/her order is poopy.

good luck. I would pack a bag of your son's clothes when you go, though.