Infant Visitation in the Mother's Home

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Missouri

I am unmarried and pregnant, baby is due soon. The biological father is threatening me that he is going to get a lawyer because he thinks my demands are ridiculous for his visitation. The only requirement I have given him is that I want him to visit the baby in my home until the baby has developed a bond with him. He can come every other day for as long as he wants for all I care, I just want the baby to stay in my home. My reasoning is completely based on what I feel the baby's needs are. He refuses and wants to pick the baby up and take the baby back to his house. Am I being unreasonable? It's not like I'm telling him he can't see the baby at all. I would really like to stay out of court and come to an agreement with him outside of court, mainly because I don't have money for a lawyer, but I'm not willing to bend unless you think I would be wasting my money on a lawyer to fight him on this one point. It would only be for a few months at the most if he visits regularly enough.

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He refuses and wants to pick the baby up and take the baby back to his house. Am I being unreasonable?

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Yes, yes you are.

If you were married and he wanted to take the baby out on a drive or over to Grammy's or just for a stroll around the block without you, would that be a problem for you? Hint: Dads do this all the time to give Mom a chance to do things like have a shower and an uninterrupted pee. Why should it be different because you're not married?

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I would really like to stay out of court and come to an agreement with him outside of court,

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I know it feels like it's more rational, amicable, and mature to try to keep these things out of court, but this is a bad idea. Court orders are meant to clearly lay out visitation routines for the protection of all involved, especially the child.

The child is entitled to the care and support of BOTH of her parents, without either trying to micromanage the other. Go to court and get visitation properly established, but don't dig your heels in on this "only in my home" nonsense. The judge will tell you No.

A court order is also very structured. For example, a court order will say that he will come pick up the baby on certain days at a certain time for x amount of time, but an infant doesn't operate on a structured schedule. If a court looks at a child's best interest, wouldn't it be best for the baby if the dad doesn't disrupt the napping and feeding routines of the baby which are not always consistent. I will also be breastfeeding so the baby will need to eat on demand. I feel that we need to be more concerned about the baby's needs than where dad visits the baby.

Actually, many professionals believe an infant needs structure. Regular, consistent contact with the the parent is a good thing. Your argument is not likely to convince a court.

And the court will remind you that you can pump breast milk.

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I feel that we need to be more concerned about the baby's needs than where dad visits the baby.

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Your feelings are irrelevant.

If Dad goes to court to establish visitation, he WILL get it, and not on the terms you want. "But I'm breastfeeding!" will not wash, neither will "disrupted naps" or "too structured". Babies, you will find, are adaptable little things, and the courts will find that it's in the best interests of the child to have a relationship with both of her parents, regardless of Mom's panicking.

I've been a Mom for 19 years and counting. I promise, kiddo will be fine if naptime and dinnertime is occasionally different. You'd do well to go buy a breast pump, so you can send milk along with Dad on visitation days.

Again, this isn't much different than if you were married. Good co-parenting means communicating with dad about the napping/eating schedules. The child won't be an infant forever and they tend to be much better with change than the parents are.

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I will also be breastfeeding so the baby will need to eat on demand.

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Thankfully, pumps are available.

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I feel that we need to be more concerned about the baby's needs than where dad visits the baby.

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Already addressed. The court isn't going to have any issue with dad taking the baby. If you wanted a dad/baby/home combination, the key to that happening is to marry and cohabitate with the father such that it's not an issue. Otherwise, you can reasonably anticipate that dad will get to take the child on his time, and that dad will have no problem getting a court to order such. The baby needs to eat, sleep, be burped, changed, any medications given, and interacted with, in an environment that is reasonably clean and safe. So long as those basics are met, the court will be happy to allow dad to be the parent that you chose him to be.

I appreciate all the input. I am not a first time mom either. It is still very hard to separate for any length of time from your newborn child. And it takes a while to establish a routine with them, which does change as they grow, and it would be nice if a court can recognize that. He might sleep more and eat less at first, then want to eat all the time a few weeks later and never sleep, they are not always predictable, it just depends where they are in their development. I understand about pumping, but that doesn't always work either, and I'd hate to put him on formula any sooner than he has to be, some babies won't even take a bottle, or if they do, they won't breastfeed anymore. Not trying to make arguments, it's just that courts don't take into consideration the variables that could occur with an infant. And then if you want to change anything because of those variables, you have to spend more money on a lawyer to go back to court and change it and it gets very frustrating. I would have loved it if the father had asked me to marry him when we were together, but he turned out to be someone I thought he wasn't, so I guess I'm fortunate now that he didn't. I don't see co-parenting working out well with him. He got mad at me about the pregnancy, blamed me, dumped me, hasn't been involved in the pregnancy and says he doesn't want to be around me at all. Won't go to the prenatal visits because he doesn't want to be around me, won't be in the delivery room when the baby's born because he doesn't want to be around me, won't sign a paternity acknowlegement, and obviously won't come to my house to visit the baby. I have little faith that he will communicate with me as far as what care he has given the baby while he has the baby at his house too, which would be another reason why I prefer the baby to stay at my house. I'm not interested in keeping him from being a father to the baby, I'm not a vengeful or spiteful person and I wouldn't do that to him or deny the baby a father, and I know all a court cares about is his rights to be a father, but it sure doesn't seem fair or "just" at times. A baby's needs should come first. I suppose I will just wait for him to take me to court and let a court tell me what is best for my child, even though I believe a mother knows best.

Seriously??? You are all telling a pregnant mom that dad is going to be able to take her newborn baby to his house for visitation from the very start? Seriously?

Mom - since he won't be there for the birth and to sign paperwork, etc., he will have to file w/ the court for paternity,visitation, etc. Resolving all that and getting a parenting plan in place should take months. Until there is a parenting plan in place, you will be able to call the shots. Short frequent visits in your home is best for a newborn.

To find a good age-appropriate parenting plan, look at Indiana's plans. They've put a lot of effort into creating good plans, based on research on what is good for infants/toddlers...

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Quoting ksmom

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Seriously??? You are all telling a pregnant mom that dad is going to be able to take her newborn baby to his house for visitation from the very start? Seriously?

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Yes. You know why? Because it is LEGALLY ACCURATE.

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Mom - since he won't be there for the birth and to sign paperwork, etc., he will have to file w/ the court for paternity,visitation, etc. Resolving all that and getting a parenting plan in place should take months.

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LOL. And it might take 6-8 weeks, max. Depends on the docket.

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Until there is a parenting plan in place, you will be able to call the shots.

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Well, you got that part right :)

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Short frequent visits in your home is best for a newborn.

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Nothing wrong with allowing Dad to take the child to his home for a few hours to get the child used to a different environment. It's called "co-parenting".

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To find a good age-appropriate parenting plan, look at Indiana's plans. They've put a lot of effort into creating good plans, based on research on what is good for infants/toddlers...

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Not a bad idea.

But, the legally accurate response is that Dad can get visitation in HIS house, very very early on.

Well I did not feel as though I was being unreasonable. I really am just trying to put the baby's needs first. As a mom all kinds of concerns cross my mind, I won't even want to take the baby anywhere myself for the first few weeks. I think about how it's going to be the dead of winter and his little immune system won't be fully developed yet and that it's flu season and I don't want him to go somewhere and catch a cold, even the hospital won't allow kids to visit because it's flu season. I worry that he will be distressed being separated from me because he knows he relies on me for what he needs and he's used to hearing my voice 24/7, but that same bond isn't there yet with dad, so I wanted him to develop that bond with the baby first, before he takes him anywhere. But if the father takes me to court and claims I won't allow him to see his son, which I haven't ever said he can't see him, I just want him to stay at my house with the baby, would a judge hold that against me or would a judge hold it against him because he has the opportunity to see the baby but is refusing to do it? I don't want the baby to go one day without his father in his life, much less weeks or months, but I want the baby to be taken care of in the best possible way too. The more I think about it the more confused I get about what the right thing is to do. I just wish the father would be as concerned about the baby's needs as I am. I feel like he is only thinking about himself.