What if There is No Legal Custody Agreement

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York

This might seem like a silly question, but I just want to make sure I protect myself/my son here.

After my son was born, I took his father to court for child support; he refused to sign paternity acknowledgment, so we established paternity via DNA test. He has since then had minimal contact with him, and never petitioned for custody or visitation. He visited once when my son was first born and then disappeared for months. He will contact me every few months or so (sometimes more) and ask me if he can take our son somewhere, or if he can stay with him for a weekend or something. I continually tell him no, because my son does not know him and he can't just drop in every few months and take him. He refuses to visit him when he's with me.

My worry is that my son does have a relationship with his parents, who live in the next state, and goes to stay with them for weekends here and there. Once in awhile, his father is there at the same time. They know that I don't want him going anywhere with his father and to my knowledge they are on my side ,& have complied; but my question is, what if he were to take my son (either while he's at his grandparents or if I did decide to let him take him somewhere) and not bring him back? Am I assumed to have sole physical and legal custody by virtue of the fact that he has never petitioned for it and has been virtually uninvolved? Or is that something I actually need to file for? I really wouldn't put it past him and his wife (she is incredibly jealous, doesn't want him around me, and I've heard from mutual friends that she's pushed him to try to take custody); so I don't want to wait until they try something and then come to find out I have to go through this whole legal process to get him back.

Assuming you were never married to Dad yes, you have sole custody of your child.

Therefore you don't have to allow contact with the grandparents OR Dad. I'll be honest though - you're setting yourself up for a grandparent visitation suit if you suddenly drop contact with the grandparents. NY is notoriously GP friendly even when the other parent is alive and kicking. You've established a pattern of contact, and they may well be able to convince the court that there is a bond between your son and themselves that should be preserved by a court ordered visitation schedule.

I also don't see a single reason that dad shouldn't go to court and demand visitation. It will start slowly and gradually, but it is almost a slam dunk that it WOULD happen.

Laziness/lack of interest.

But yes - you're correct. He'd get something at least.

Well, no, I would never cut him off from his grandparents. That's definitely not what I'm proposing here. Nor would I cut him off from his father; I've told him that he's welcome to visit whenever, I just don't want him taking our son anywhere - that's something I feel he should work up to, especially after three years of noninvolvement. He always says he understands & that he's going to, or he's been meaning to (he's just too busy), but he never gets around to it.

Anyways, my question was not if I should keep him from his grandparents, but whether I needed to go to court and make sure it was on paper that I have full custody to prevent dad & his wife from trying anything. I want to make sure I can get my son back promptly if he does.

If he chooses to go to court and exercise his rights, well, that's another matter entirely. And no, we were never married.

Here's the thing.

It doesn't matter. You are currently the sole legal custodial parent. If Dad and new wife decide to take kiddo while he's at the grandparents, you're still going to have trouble getting the child returned whether or not you have a piece of paper.

That's what I'm afraid of. It's not that I don't want him to have a relationship with his father - I would love that, but he refuses to put forth any effort and refuses to try to work with me. Sometimes it seems as though his every move is calculated to make things difficult for me and what little contact he does have is to appease his mother. He's stated from day one that he has zero interest in our child, but he refuses to voluntarily terminate his rights (even though he's about to go to jail for violating his support order). I think his wife pushes him to try to take the child but she doesn't want him having any contact with me. From what I know of her she seems a bit unstable, and I don't want her pushing him to do something stupid.

Then in all honesty it might be best to let sleeping dogs lie.

If you file in court, that means you're both going to court. That means the spouse will likely be giving your ex an earful whether he likes it or not; that's often the nature of these things.

If you let things stand as they are there's a pretty good chance that things will remain copacetic.


(Incidentally he cannot terminate his rights unless you've remarried and your husband wishes to adopt)