My question involves criminal law for the state of: Arkansas
My husband and I had a huge argument that lasted a couple of days. Night before last things got violent and I ended up with bruises and marks up and down my back, neck and leg. I know this probably sounds stupid, but I did not call the cops on him. He has made several false reports about me to the local sheriff's office and I was told by them if they had to come out here one more time for any reason my children would be put in state care; or if he did not stop making false reports they would press charges on him. So I waited it out; tried to let things calm down and see what happened the next morning. Well, as soon as he woke up he started threatening to call the cops and the local dhs and make more false reports on me and have my children taken away. I found an opportunity to get me and our youngest child out of the house after the older two caught the school bus and I took it. I was on my way to try and file for a protection order, but stopped at the local gas station and he managed to get there faster than I could leave. He blocked my car in and I was forced to lock the doors and call the police.
All I wanted was them to get him to leave me alone and maybe help me get a protection order so I could have time, without his influence, to cool off and decide if I wanted to stay in the marriage or not. I had a protection order against my ex husband when I left so I knew I would have a few weeks before the court date to decide if I wanted it to go another 90days/longer or drop it. As soon as the police get there they noticed some very obvious marks on me and wanted me to fill out a complete report involving everything from the following night up until the point they show up at the gas station. I did exactly as they asked and figured by then end of it they would ask if I wanted to press charges on him or not. Well they never asked, they told me they were arresting him on domestic violence charges and filing for a no contact order. I called the jail later and found out the exact charge is domestic battery 3rd degree and he is scheduled to be released on bond first thing tomorrow morning.
Now on to my questions...
1) If me and my children pack up and go to my parents house (only 3 houses down) will he be able to stay at the residence that is listed on the no contact order? This is his home, in his name only, and I cannot afford to stay here anyway considering I am a stay at home mom. Also, he has no relatives in this state other than his teenage son from a previous marriage. So he literally has nowhere else to go.
2) If all I wanted was a protection order and did not want to press any charges against him can I have the current charges dropped?
3) If I cannot have the charges dropped will I be forced to testify against him in court on his trail date?
4) What would happen to me and my children if I refused to testify against him for charges I did not want to press against him?
5) How do I go about getting him visitation with our only child together until this whole thing is taken care of? Is that even possible? He never touched the kids...
6) If I cannot get the charges dropped, and he is convicted, will he be able to get the record expunged if he meets all the judges requirements?
7) Will he still be able to keep his CDL and work for a trucking company?
Like I said in the beginning...all I wanted was a cool off period where he couldn't contact me and I couldn't contact him. Now, he is facing criminal charges and I have 3 kids to worry about with no job or way to pay the bills if this will effect his employment/CDL possibilities. Any advice would be helpful at this point.
Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
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08-29-2011, 11:54 PMnikkiz26Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
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08-30-2011, 07:33 AMviol8teRe: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
Sorry, but you are really doing too much to benefit him and his anger. You did what you were supposed to do. You did what you should have done a long time ago. Do you think that a cool off period would work? It seems that all it does is prolong the abuse.
Now, 1. The police's job is to serve and protect. Not in the way that you want, but in a way that will protect you in the long run. Do you think that he would be kinder and gentler if you got your request honored by the police and they didn't arrest him?
2. The stste can and most likely will pick up the charges. Failure to allow them to work in your best interest can possibly lead to them taking your children and placing them in a healthy environment.
3. If you are not willing to testify in court, the police have more than enough evidence to proceed on your behalf.
4. As stated earlier, you are jeopardizing your custody of your children, by going to bat for him.
5. His order of protection can be modified to allow access to the kids if the judge sees fit.
6. In most states, domestic battery charges, even misdemeanors [B]can't[B] be expunged. His fault not yours. He did this.
7. His CDL should not be affected. His ability to find work however, may not be so simple. Again, his fault, not yours.
He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. You need to focus on yourself and your kids. He can't be an influence on you. If you allow it, the abuse will never stop. Good luck! -
08-30-2011, 07:45 AMnikkiz26Re: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
Thank you so much for your advice. I know he did this; I'm just worried about how to get support out of him if he can't work. And I know I shouldn't feel bad about all this, but I do because this was not my intent. With time and counseling that will go away. :o
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08-30-2011, 09:11 AMviol8teRe: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
Even with this on his back, he can still work. He may have messed some opportunities though. Although, you might find it encouraging to know that lots of my guys have been able to continue driving even with a domestic conviction.
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08-30-2011, 01:50 PMnikkiz26Re: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
Thank you for you advice...that did bring a little relief for a short while. Looks like I don't have to worry about it anyway. He wants a divorce because "I" had him arrested :D:stupid: Never mind the fact that the state took over and I had no choice in the matter. That's fine...I was gonna be nice and try to get the no contact order dropped and get a lighter sentence for him, but forget that. Let him get the maximum....If he wants to blame me for what he did to me then he can go up for what he deserves! :D
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08-30-2011, 02:06 PMviol8teRe: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree ChargeSee? All you need is a little time. Clarity quickly comes in the form of the arrested person's stupidity. You already knew the answer, he just gave you all the reason to let it all go. Good luck.Quote:
Quoting nikkiz26
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08-30-2011, 02:14 PMaardvarcRe: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
From a legal perspective, the interests of yourself and your child are likely to be better served if YOU file for the divorce. That way, you can ask for things like exclusive use of the home (even if his is the only name on it), child support, alimoney, and for him to pay the cost of your attorney, since the divorce is resulting from his violence and criminal behavior against you.
First, contact the domestic violence program in your community. You can find them at:
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/arkdv.shtml
Explain the situation, and see what programs or services they may have available to assist you - such as crime victim compensation, legal aid for the divorce and the associated property issues, working out visitation or arranging to have that visitation supervised, and other problems you may be facing or that you may run across down the road. You should also consider attending any group or individual counseling that may be available - and ask if they have similar programs for your child (who is likely to have a LOT of fears and questions about the situation and the radical changes in the family structure).
Finally, it's REALLY important for you to note that in his mind, he is blaming his choice to use violence and his pending legal issues on YOU rather than taking responsibility for his own actions. What that translates into is danger for YOU, and potentially for your child as well (that's why the court issued the restraining order). The sad truth about domestic violence is that often the victim(s) are at most risk AFTER an arrest, even WITH a restraining order in place. Ultimately, it's just a piece of paper, and it can't and won't stop him from taking any kind of action that he chooses to take - it only makes the potential punishments worse - and often abusers just don't care about the punishment, because they are totally focused on "revenge", up to and including inflicting MORE physical abuse, or even death, on those they hold responsible. Even children aren't immune, as killing a child is the ultimate way to "pay back" a mother.
For these reasons it's VERY important that you immediately report ANY violation of the restraining order, AND that you take the time to work through a personal safety plan for you and your child. You can get the basics here: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml and then work through the specifics with help from your local program. -
08-30-2011, 02:55 PMnikkiz26Re: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
wow...that is a lot of information to take in. I do know that his family paid his bond this morning and he is out there somewhere now. His family told me him and the sherrif would be coming here to get his things today. I haven't seen or heard anything about that since last night tho. The facility he was booked at did tell me if he showed his face here without police escort I could have him picked up and sent straight back to jail on felony charges without the possibility of bond. Is it bad that I would love for him to show up without an officer at this point? I know I need to file for the divorce. I learned that lesson with my last divorce. Because he filed for it first... things got messy for me financially. And not having any income at all right now is not gonna help the situation any. I plan on trying to contact some of the domestic violence assistance programs...speaking of which, do I have to have my copy of the no contact order before starting anything with them? And I already started seeing a counselor (via grant program) a couple weeks ago because all the emotional things wrapped around this horrible relationship. My son from a previous marriage is also seeing a counselor thanks to ArKids1st. Our child together is only 6 months (thank god) so hopefully if I can get out now things will be ok for him. And my daughter from a previous marriage seems to be handling things better than most adults. I'm amazed at how strong her 6 year old spirit is. Thank y'all so much for all the information. I thought the last husband was bad...at least he never beat me.
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08-30-2011, 07:11 PMaardvarcRe: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree ChargeYep, the sheriff should accompany him. If you're there, they'll make sure that any contact remains civil, and if you're not there, they'll keep an eye on him to keep him from taking destructive actions (you wouldn't BELEIVE how many people in his situation do things like cut all the cords to everything electrical in the place, pour bleach on the clothes, kick the dog, poison the fish, and leave other "calling cards" that they were there).Quote:
Quoting nikkiz26
Not at all. It's perfectly natural. It's a shock to be going through all of these events suddenly. No one expects that incidents of violence will suddenly erase all the GOOD things about him in your mind, you know, the things that made you fall in love and get married and make babies in the first place. Many of those things are probably just as valid today as they were then. But once violence erupts, especially with children in the picture, change MUST happen. The nature of that change depends on lots of factors; one of the most important being the attitude of the perpetrator - those who understand that THEIR behavior isn't acceptable and seek help on their own to change it can often turn things around, and with time and self-work and the cooperation of the their partners, can rekindle their relationships in healthier, safer, saner, ones. Unfortunately, that's the exception, rather than the rule. When an abuser's state of mind is "it's the victim's fault for making me....", it doesn't set a hopeful stage for the violence to stop, and thus attempting to nurture the relationship along with an abuser who doesn't understand that THEY are the problem is simply too unsafe - at least for the immediate future. Give yourself time to grieve the good aspects of the relationship; and understand that when violence is one of the bad aspects of a relationship, it's simply a deal breaker and can't be "made up for" with the good stuff.Quote:
Is it bad that I would love for him to show up without an officer at this point?
Not at all. If you happen to have a copy, or even a copy of the police report, it can be helpful to them in evaluating your situation, but all you need to do to get their help is call them. Their services are free and confidential.Quote:
I plan on trying to contact some of the domestic violence assistance programs...speaking of which, do I have to have my copy of the no contact order before starting anything with them?
Excellent!Quote:
And I already started seeing a counselor (via grant program) a couple weeks ago because all the emotional things wrapped around this horrible relationship. My son from a previous marriage is also seeing a counselor thanks to ArKids1st.
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08-30-2011, 07:47 PMnikkiz26Re: Domestic Battery 3rd Degree Charge
Thank you for the uplifting thoughts. I have been going through all the emotional issues that go along with dv today....feeling guilty, depressed, scared, pissed, revengeful, relieved, happy and any other emotions, or combination of emotions, you can have in this situation. On top of all the emotions I haven't eaten much since everything went down and I've been awake since 5am Monday morning (around 41 hrs) without drugs. It's nice being able to get on here and get good advice on a situation I've never dealt with before, but also get some comforting reminders that all these emotions/reactions are normal. I do love and miss him terribly, even the kids miss him, but I have to remember if I let my guard down and drop the no contact order it can/will happen again. Luckily my next counseling appointment is in the morning; God knows I'll need it...lol
Him and the sheriff did come get some of his belongings this evening. The officer was extremely nice and played with my oldest son for a little while and gave me as much information on the situation as he could. The order is in place for exactly 1 year. My Victim services case worker said she would be mailing me a copy of the no contact order and the information to have the order dropped if I wanted to. I am going to leave it in place for awhile even if I have the option to drop it. I have to, I know me, I'll take him back after a week or two of cool down and it will start all over again. And next time I might not come out of it so lucky.
Not only did I survive without any broken bones or major injuries, but the officer told me I was lucky; I could have been arrested too. I did act in self defense to get him off me, but apparently I bruised a certain area (hope you get the idea) a bit too much. I didn't mean to....that was all I could do/reach to get him off me at the time.
I don't know if our relationship will ever rekindle...I would love for it to, but there is too much violence to see the good anymore. This isn't the first time he banged me up pretty good; it's just the first time I reported it. Like most dv women, I suppose, I just let it slide for awhile and lied to myself saying "I deserved it" or "It's not an all the time thing." I know better than that mess...I was a double major in psych/addiction until my grades slipped from all the emotional stress. :wallbang:
Anyway, thank all of y'all so much for the advice and letting me ramble on about all the emotions I'm experiencing.... :topsy_turvy: