How Can a Father Get Custody
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: North Carolina
Ok this is a long read.
My daughter is going on 3 years old now. From the beginning it’s been a rocky road.
She was born out of wedlock, I was 20 mom was 18. long story short we didn’t work out because she was calling and harassing me so much at work that i was about to lose my job due to the number of calls i got, and also accusing me of cheating on her constantly. When my daughter was 3 months old we broke up. At this point no custody order was given and she refused to allow me to see my daughter for a month during which time she told everyone the reason was, that i was abusive, and molested my daughter when she was just a week old, and that i was a drunk. All of which are lies.
After a month i hired a lawyer and was given a temporary order of every other weekend.
Been pretty hectic for 2 years since then but at any rate when it went for a final order in court here is the outcome.
I got primary control over all medical and school decisions and custody is split 50/50. Not child support order yet. but i voluntarily pay. what the states calculators say i should pay. Been on this custody order about 1.5 years now. its a 2/2/3 schedule.
I want to go back for full custody. Below are a list pros and cons i can see.
Mother
Pros
Doesn’t drink or do drugs to my knowledge
Cons
-Lives in govt funded apartment for free for 3 years now.
-has a second child with a different daddy, married this guy.
-is pregnant currently with third child, this one’s daddy is her husband's cousin. she kicked her husband out because he lost his job. the cousin is unemployed now for 6 months and lives with her.
-has not worked since my daughter was born
-lives entirely off of govt paid rent, food stamps, and child support.
-keeps having babies to maintain free rent or so it seems.
-daughter crys at the sight of seeing her car pull in my driveway
-daughter is coming from mother making statements like "imma whoop your ass" and other curse words
-daughter reaches for me to get her when she’s leaving in the car.
-no college education has signed up for classes 3 semesters in a row now and dropped them every semester
-several instances in which my daughter has returned with diaper rashes
-mom brags about giving her whippens when she doesn’t listen.
-mom thinks i should pay for all expenses related to daughter
-daughter has been to hospital 13 times now for various reasons mom has never showed up.
-I keep daughter on average 5-10 days per month of mom’s days
-high crime rates and daughter is a minority in the apartment complex
-has a "chemical imbalance" that she at one point had to take meds for
Father (Me)
Pros
-college education
-work in IT career field, and have a steady perm. Position making about 50000 per year
-daughter runs to me when i pick her up and almost drags me to the car to head back to our home.
-my mother is a school teacher and has helped teach my daughter a lot of things
-I work 3 day shifts so I’m home 4 days per week
-I live in a rural area with not(a place where kids can play in the road and not worry about getting ran over)
-have several family members who will provide daycare services for my daughter as needed
-volintarly been paying child support
-provide insurance medical/dental/vision volintarly
Cons
-I have a DUI on my record
-I live with my parents. (not sure if this is really a con. I can financially afford a house, but don’t want to buy one until I’m getting married or have more money saved for a down payment parents’ house is about 3000 sq. feet. I currently have about 20000 saved for when i buy a house)
-days i work are 12 hour shifts
Now my questions are do i stand any chance of getting more custody of my daughter based off of the pros and cons i listed for each of us. It’s starting to get really bad watching my 2 year old begging and fighting to stay with me, especially now that I have to load her up since the ex is pregnant and can’t carry her.
Re: Father (Me) Trying to Get Custody of Daughter Lots of Factors in Case
You probably have an above average chance, but probably not for the reasons you think.
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At this point no custody order was given and she refused to allow me to see my daughter for a month during which time she told everyone the reason was, that i was abusive, and molested my daughter when she was just a week old, and that i was a drunk. All of which are lies. After a month i hired a lawyer and was given a temporary order of every other weekend.
Apparantly the court was able to see through the lies, as you were awarded 50/50 (which is actually better than most NCP's get, even without the accusations). Is the temp order still in place after two years?
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-Lives in govt funded apartment for free for 3 years now.
As long as the child isn't living in squalor, has adequate shelter, warmth, clean water, etc. then the SOURCE of that shelter really isn't a factor for the court.
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-has a second child with a different daddy, married this guy.
Relevence?
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-is pregnant currently with third child, this one’s daddy is her husband's cousin. she kicked her husband out because he lost his job. the cousin is unemployed now for 6 months and lives with her.
Unless the cousin is somehow a danger to the child, the rest isn't relevent.
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-has not worked since my daughter was born
-lives entirely off of govt paid rent, food stamps, and child support.
Same answer as the shelter question - unless the source of her support is somehow illegal, what the court cares about is if the child has adequate food, shelter, weather approriate clothing, etc. - not so much the SOURCE of those things.
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-keeps having babies to maintain free rent or so it seems.
Might SEEM that way, but the various social service programs related to shelter changed how they worked years ago - it's very difficult for any program receiving government funding to provide for enhanced benefits for those who continue to make babies that they can't support themselves. She might have qualified for aid with the children she had at the time, but the government isn't in the practice of giving MORE benefits when more children come along.
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-daughter crys at the sight of seeing her car pull in my driveway
Emotional, but not a reason to change custody. Lots of kids with mom and dad under different roofs experience this.
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-daughter is coming from mother making statements like "imma whoop your ass" and other curse words
A difference in parenting values, but not likely to impact custody.
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-daughter reaches for me to get her when she’s leaving in the car.
Emotional, but not a reason to change custody. Lots of kids with mom and dad under different roofs experience this.
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-no college education has signed up for classes 3 semesters in a row now and dropped them every semester
Irrelevent.
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-several instances in which my daughter has returned with diaper rashes
Kids get diaper rash. How frequently? To what degree? Any medical attention required?
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-mom brags about giving her whippens when she doesn’t listen.
So long as corporal punishment isn't crossing lines to physical abuse, this will be seen as a difference in parenting style. If you've got reason to suspect that abuse is occurring, it needs to be reported so that it can be investigated and any evidence can be documented. Short of that, mom simply being adamant that she's a firm believer in spanking won't go far.
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-mom thinks i should pay for all expenses related to daughter
Issue between the parents. Mom can think whatever she wants. All she can ENFORCE is what she's got in a court order.
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daughter has been to hospital 13 times now for various reasons mom has never showed up.
Mom not showing up isn't as concerning as 13 trips to the hospital by a 3 year old. What EXACTLY were the "various reasons"? If mom never showed up, then who was watching the child when these visits were needed? There's a huge difference between an over cautious babysitter or family member whisking the child to the ER for every cough or sneeze, or for issues related to some known chronic disease, versus someone (mom or otherwise) taking the child to the hospital for injuries, especially if there have been multiple instances. One would hope that the hospital social workers would catch on that there might be an issue here, but again the nature of the visits is the key. This should definately be sending up a big red flag and you need to investigate this issue further and with haste. Since no system is perfect, it's possible there's a major issue here that the hospital hasn't caught, so unless the nature of the visits is some chronic disease (asthma, for instance) and there is ANY reason to feel that these visits involved neglect, abuse, or "accidents", I'd be talking to child protective services, ASAP.
[quote]-I keep daughter on average 5-10 days per month of mom’s days[/quote]
This will be a plus for you. It will tell the court that mom is OK with you having the children for extra time. Remember, actions speak louder than words, so mom's action of giving you MORE time than required will have the effect of negating just about anything mom might bring up to try to convince the court that she does NOT think you're a stellar parent.
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-high crime rates and daughter is a minority in the apartment complex
Courts really don't remove or move children just because of the nature of the neighborhood they live in.
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-has a "chemical imbalance" that she at one point had to take meds for
Lots of parents take meds for all kinds of problems. Unless you can show that (a) she currently suffers from some issue, and (b) that the issue poses some obvious danger to the child, then the court will simply be happy that she sought medical assistance for the issue.
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-college education, -work in IT career field, and have a steady perm. Position making about 50000 per year
It's only really wishful thinking that courts assign or modify custody based on income. Job stability is certainly important for the child, but in and of itself isn't a reason to modify.
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-daughter runs to me when i pick her up and almost drags me to the car to head back to our home.
Same answer as above.
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-my mother is a school teacher and has helped teach my daughter a lot of things
A nice plus, but not going to impact a change of custody request. It really isn't a contest in the manner of who can give the child more like you're thinking. It's an issue of what in the child's life has changed that would make the court consider that altering primary custody - what change has created a problem or issue that needs to be resolved by custody change (as opposed to other options). That change CAN include changes or developments that make mom an unfit parent (but really, it's a much higher bar to reach than most people realize). So far the only issue that appears a viable approach regarding fitness is going to center on the hospital visits.
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-I work 3 day shifts so I’m home 4 days per week
Unless adequate supervision has been a problem, while this is nice, it's not a game changer.
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-I live in a rural area with not(a place where kids can play in the road and not worry about getting ran over)
Not relevent. In fact, depending on circumstances, there are ways this can actually work against you.
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-have several family members who will provide daycare services for my daughter as needed
Has daycare been an issue?
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-volintarly been paying child support, -provide insurance medical/dental/vision volintarly
The court will LOVE this. A sadly HUGE portion of custody modification requests can be traced to the root being a financial one. While it isn't going to be the CRUX of the court's decision regarding a request for change in custody, you paying willingly without a court order AND providing important medical coverage for your child says a lot about your character, and that WON'T be wasted on the judge. And the taxpayers in your state thank you for providing coverage for the child, rather than depending on taxpayers to do so (which would likely be the case if you didn't since mom is unemployed). This also works for you in that it should make it easy, in light of you being both the policy holder AND the person to make medical decions per the court order, to get all the documentation necessary regarding those hospital visits.
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-I have a DUI on my record
How old is it? The longer, the better.
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-I live with my parents. (not sure if this is really a con. I can financially afford a house, but don’t want to buy one until I’m getting married or have more money saved for a down payment parents’ house is about 3000 sq. feet. I currently have about 20000 saved for when i buy a house)
This really isn't a "con". It won't hurt you just like living in government housing won't hurt mom. Again, the court cares most about the adequacy of the residence than the SOURCE. If the child has medical issues (or whatever circumstances contributed to the hospital visits), then having extra eyes and hands around can be another "plus". It's no different than mothers living with their children in their parent's homes - having family around is generally a plus rather than a negative (unless there is some issue with one or both of the grandparents).
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-days i work are 12 hour shifts
So long as the child would have adequate supervision while you're at work, this won't work against you either.
Re: How Can a Father Get Custody
I had no issue with the second guy really, other than he constantly created issues. He would tell the ex how to raise my daughter and was controlling over her. (He raised another kids for 2 years to find out it wasn’t his, so my daughter was a replacement to the other one in his mind)
The issue i had with the second guy is that she got pregnant by him within 3 months of having her second child. And it shows my daughter that’s its perfectly ok to get married and cheat out your husband with anyone. And he is only 18, and they started dating while he was in high school so he’s pretty young to be getting mixed into a family with a woman who’s 21 and already has 2 kids.
In NC the rule for free apartment actually is, as long as mother has a child under 1 years of age she qualifies, no matter how many she has.
The diaper rashes occurred pretty often, but on our schedule no dr's felt ok pinpointing it to either of us neglecting her. But generally what happened is mom has her for the 3.5 day weekend and she would have the rash, and then by the following weekend that i had her it would be cleared up. During which time I’d have had her 5 days and mom had her 2. She then would go back the following weekend to moms and come back to me with another diaper rash. This has lessened now that my daughter usually uses the potty. At some points the rash was so bad that she was bleeding from it. This is how it was when i got her back prior to our temp custody order.
The hospital trips have been for multiple things. Several times because she had trouble breathing, or allergies, but the issue was that mom would have her for her days and not take her to the dr, so we'd get her back that night and she’s so stopped up and draining so bad that she’s vomiting. This often happens on a weekend as well when in my locations you have one choice, the hospital, or driving 3 hours to an urgent care facility.
There was one time where she fell down a set of cement steps at moms with 4 different adults there, but none of them could answer what really happened, or how she fell because they weren’t watching her.
Another time she was at moms and her elbow was dislocated. Mom said it was from being picked up by one arm, but dr's said it’s unlikely and that it usually occurs from being jerked really hard by one arm.
And another time she arrived from moms and had on a pair of shoes 3 sizes bigger than she wears. And the tripped over them and gashed her nose open and required stiches. This happened within 3 min. of me arriving back and the shows were put on her by mom. I did not think I’d need to verify shoe sizes but now i know I have to check each time.
My dui is about 1.75-2 years old now. I was 21 when i got it.
This custody order is now a permit one, but another thing I fear is issues in the near future with school. I do not plan to live in the same district as mom because i currently drive a little over an hour to work, and when i do move i will move closer to work. We have a 2/2/3 schedule.
Week a
mom,mom,me,me, mom,mom,mom
Week b
me,me,mom,mom,me,me,me
so you can see how it would be an issue with her geting to school when mom has her. The schools in the area that I’m planning to move to are also much better, and have much higher testing statistics. I also want to get out of the current district, because moms reputation is already pretty horrible in the community and i feel like it will have an impact on my daughters in a community where people are familiar with her mom.
mom's "chemical imbalance" has been called bi polar, by some dr's, but she always goes to a different one after they diagnose her with it and gets the second one to list it as a chemical imbalance.
She takes Zoloft for its treatment. But from her ex-husbands, my own experience mom doesn’t take the med's properly. She just takes it for a day or two, but then thinks she no longer needs it.
She goes in to control rages without it.
For example. At one point after we had broken up she hit me with a phone and would not allow me to leave her apartment. She was trying to force me to stay there, and would run from one door to the other and tell me i would have to beat her to get out. This was during the months prior to our first court battle and she was trying to get me to hurt her so I’d lose custody.
Our order is perminite now.
I’d also like to add, that my daughter has started playing with her dolls and pretends the parents are fussing. She names her dolls “mom”, mom’s b/f’s name, me, my mom, and one for my dad too. Well she has 2 baby’s too. And she said her baby brother was crying because mommy and “moms bf’s name” were fighting. and shows the dolls argueing, adn then makes mommy doll yell at her adn tell her to "get her ass in her room". A guadent councler my mom works with has actually recomend to me to take her to a childs psychologist about this, to determine if theres any abuse going on since its obvious shes replaying thigns shes watched happening.
And my daughter tells us during the day that she doesn’t want her mommy.
She also has started hiding when she hears loud cars and said “I no want go to mommy’s” because she thinks it’s her mom’s car. She hears it, says that, and then grabs mine or my mom’s leg, or is going to hide under her bed.