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How to Help a Friend With an Abusive, Controlling Spouse

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  • 05-10-2011, 11:39 PM
    trogore
    How to Help a Friend With an Abusive, Controlling Spouse
    My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of: California

    Hey all,
    Really long story, but, basically, I'm friends with a woman whom is starting to divorce her abusive, controlling husband. He's taken away pretty much all her rights and everything. Took her car, took internet out of the house(but a neighbor gave her a wireless USB adapter, and access to their network), he's taken away her shopping rights (because she 'cant be trusted with money' because she took $300 out once to shop for the kids, yet he takes his entire paycheck out each week and deposits it in an account in just his name), he's abused her physically (not anymore because shes called the cops on him), he continuously abuses her emotionally (calling her a bad parent, a worthless person, a terrible wife, ect. ect.).

    Now that there's some back story, onto the question that fits with the forum. Because he's taken away her shopping rights, and refuses to do the shopping himself, their 6 children (ranging from ages 4-15) are basically starving. Last time he went shopping he brought back a few boxes of cereal, milk, orange juice, oatmeal, and ramen noodles. They've pretty much lived on that for almost 2 weeks now.

    The actual question: She cant do much to fight him until she can continue her divorce case, and she doesn't want to call CPS in fear of losing the children. Is there any thing I can help to do to convince her that calling CPS is the right choice? She is also too proud to go to friends (that she has left, from him sweet talking them into believing that shes crazy and a bad parent) or family, so she wont borrow money or anything

    thank you for your time,
    Tyler
  • 05-10-2011, 11:54 PM
    Dogmatique
    Re: How Can I Help a Friend
    She can (and perhaps should) go to a shelter, and take the kids. The shelter will have resources available to her to help her file for divorce and get temporary custody orders.

    I realize that you're worried about your friend. But you don't live there 24/7, and you're only getting one side of the story. The kids ARE being fed, housed and clothed - hence CPS is likely not going to do anything. If the kid are genuinely being starved - and I mean starved, not just "not getting what I want to eat tonight" - then of course CPS needs to be involved.
  • 05-10-2011, 11:58 PM
    aardvarc
    Re: How Can I Help a Friend
    CPS may NOT the BEST choice at this point; because if she's an able-bodied adult (physically ABLE to work, or physically ABLE to leave, yet hasn't), but is keeping the children in a home where they are starving, she DOES risk the children being removed from the home. She REALLY needs to be working with a local domestic violence advocate who can help her to start to secure more control over her life, get the divorce moving, and to help DOCUMENT the situation as part of a number of possible approaches to getting herself and her children into a better situation, as Doggie noted via things like custody orders, alimoney orders, child support orders, restraining orders, etc..

    In CA she can call 800-524-4765 to be put in touch with local resources who can assist her. If it takes her leaving with the kids and going into hiding in a shelter for a time, then that's what it might take. But if the situation is as dire as you project, then she needs to either get the kids OUT of the situation, or potentially risk an outside force taking them out of it.
  • 05-11-2011, 12:09 AM
    trogore
    Re: How Can I Help a Friend
    Thank you both for the responses. I don't know why she hasn't gone to a shelter yet. As for her getting a job, the only reason she hasn't yet, is she has one home with her, and no one to watch the child. And the children are getting extremely close to malnutrition. Losing weight, complaining of stomach pains.

    I will recommend the shelter to her, and see what she says.

    And as towards getting the divorce going, she's been trying using help from facilitators at the local family law center, but because of the money problem, she hasn't been able to find a lawyer that would be willing to fold the retainer into the final pay.
  • 05-11-2011, 12:14 AM
    Dogmatique
    Re: How Can I Help a Friend
    Malnutrition? Really?

    If Mom doesn't do anything, she is going to be seen as EQUALLY neglectful. It actually takes quite a lot before a child becomes clinically malnourished.

    Can YOU help her, Tyler?
  • 05-11-2011, 12:19 AM
    trogore
    Re: How Can I Help a Friend
    Malnutrition may have been a bit severe a word to use, but I have heard all of the children complain of stomach pains from hunger, and, especially from the oldest child, weight loss.

    In terms of how much I can do, there really isn't much. She lives all the way across the country from me. I really wish there was something I could do.

    What can she do? She wants the children to stay in a house and be loved, but she cant, from all of his control.
  • 05-11-2011, 12:47 AM
    Dogmatique
    Re: How Can I Help a Friend
    What's your actual relationship to her?

    Please bear in mind that if the kids are in school, malnutrition and/or obvious weight loss will be noted - and the employees are mandated reporters. CPS will be notified if there is cause for concern.

    Are you 100% sure you're getting the whole story here?
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