Never Had a Formal Visitation Agreement - What Now
My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California
Good morning / afternoon-
So after 8 years of somewhat amicable relations between my ex and I, things have gone south in hurry. Last August, I got married and while she had a lot more attitude than usual, I wasn't too worried. Around the Holidays, my new wife and I found out we were expecting and since then my ex and I have really bumped heads. Whereas before I could pick up my daughter 3 weekends a month and keep her for the majority of vacations, now she fights me on everything and (I believe) is trying to manipulate my daughter. I will send her Outlook calendars-so we are on the same page as far as visitation goes- and she will initially agree. When the time comes she will say she made plans and while she admits she initially agrees she says it doesn't matter and plans have changed. She will keep her for holidays and claim they have huge plans - which turn out to be just staying at home and sleeping while my daughter keeps herself entertained. My daughter tells me that many times there is nothing in the refrigerator and refuses to help her with her homework. She definitely harbors resentment and has crazy mood swings. I have come to the conclusion that it is time for a change and to stand up not just for myself, but for my daughter as well. I have many questions and I'm eager to learn:
1.) What should my first step be if I want to have a true, court approved custodial agreement?
2.) Her and I live 50 miles apart and I would like for us to meet halfway - is there any hope if I request this that I get it granted?
3.) What should my first step be if I would like to get custody of her?
4.) My support was doubled so I can't afford a lawyer - is this something I can do myself with enough study and hard work?
*** Funny enough, all of this has inspired me and I'm saving up money now to go back to college and become a paralegal with an emphasis on father's rights. Funny how life works out.
Thank you for all the help and I look forward to the answers!
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
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LetsGoDodgers
Around the Holidays, my new wife and I found out we were expecting and since then my ex and I have really bumped heads.
That's a pretty common dynamic, unfortunately.
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My daughter tells me that many times there is nothing in the refrigerator
Nothing AT ALL, or nothing she WANTS? Is the child eating every day?
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and refuses to help her with her homework.
Poor parenting, but not in and of itself going to impact much at this point.
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1.) What should my first step be if I want to have a true, court approved custodial agreement?
To file a motion in the family court with jurisdiction (the court in the county where the child lives).
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2.) Her and I live 50 miles apart and I would like for us to meet halfway - is there any hope if I request this that I get it granted?
There's hope, but expect mom to contest it and argue that since you're just now filing for formalized visitation, the burden for transportation should be on you. We can't predict which side the judge will come down on.
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3.) What should my first step be if I would like to get custody of her?
Unless mom is proven unfit, or is out and out willing to go along with a change in custody, a FORMAL change of custody ordered by the court to change primary residential custody from mom to you is unlikely.
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4.) My support was doubled so I can't afford a lawyer - is this something I can do myself with enough study and hard work?
Certainly. Start by checking the website for your local Clerk of Court. Many of them have excellent self-help resources. Then check with your local or state legal aid societies, as they too often have terrific resources for those intending to self-represent.
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
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aardvarc
That's a pretty common dynamic, unfortunately.
Nothing AT ALL, or nothing she WANTS? Is the child eating every day?
Poor parenting, but not in and of itself going to impact much at this point.
To file a motion in the family court with jurisdiction (the court in the county where the child lives).
There's hope, but expect mom to contest it and argue that since you're just now filing for formalized visitation, the burden for transportation should be on you. We can't predict which side the judge will come down on.
Unless mom is proven unfit, or is out and out willing to go along with a change in custody, a FORMAL change of custody ordered by the court to change primary residential custody from mom to you is unlikely.
Certainly. Start by checking the website for your local Clerk of Court. Many of them have excellent self-help resources. Then check with your local or state legal aid societies, as they too often have terrific resources for those intending to self-represent.
About the food:
I'll be honest...I'm not sure. Sometimes, I'm not sure if she is telling through truth or simply stretching it. However, what concerns me is the fact that this complaint comes up so much from her. I asked her "Is there nothing in there"? and she said there is nothing but Iced Tea and old butter. I have explained to my daughter that she needs to tell me the truth when it comes to these types of things.
Regarding the county she is in:
Our Child Support order is in Riverside County and she resides in a different county - San Bernardino. Which county should I file the motion?
Regarding primary custody:
At which point does my daughter's input count? She repeatedly tells me she wants to live with me and cries when she has to go home. She says she hates being there and just wants to be a kid. Right now, she is 8 years old but has to watch over her brother (4 years old).
Also:
I know we won't agree on anything. Even if its all in her favor, she will fight just for the sake of fighting. At which point does a mediator or judge get involved.
Thank you for your help. I know this is going to get ugly and I don't feel like I'm fighting this alone anymore.
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
You would file in San Bernadino county.
Your daughter is too young to (generally) have her wishes heard. You can, however, request that a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) is appointed. S/he will look at what's actually in the best interests of your daughter, and their word will generally carry considerable weight in court.
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
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Dogmatique
You would file in San Bernadino county.
Your daughter is too young to (generally) have her wishes heard. You can, however, request that a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) is appointed. S/he will look at what's actually in the best interests of your daughter, and their word will generally carry considerable weight in court.
GAL - what is it and how do I go about getting it?
Thank you for the County information!
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When I do file for a custody agreement, should I go for primary custody and settle for what I have now in a worse case scenario? Or should I just settle for a better agreement that I have now?
I love my daughter and the ultimate goal is to have her live with me so I feel like I have to think 3-4 steps ahead and that what I'm trying to do. Thank you!
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
You're not likely to get primary custody - sorry, but Mom has status quo on her side. If you file for primary, not only will you be essentially throwing money away but that's guaranteed to antagonize Mom to the Nth degree.
And she's evidently already not too happy!
(In order to change the status quo you need to prove a change in the child's circumstance)
You can request a GAL be appointed - but you need to be aware that you'll either be paying for it yourself or that the cost will be split (which Mom won't like). Again, given that Mom is the primary caregiver at the moment and has been for quite some time, I'm not actually sure it would be worth spending the money but that's entirely up to you.
CA is pretty good with pro-se litigants. There is a wealth of information to be found right here
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
My fiance just went through the same case. Except now we caught his ex-wife physically abusing her son. He had bruises on him. So after documenting everything down I told him he had to get the police incolved and they did. I told him if he didn't than I would.
Also, he put in his contract that she has to stay within 100 miles of him. This is for the child not for her. She has to meet us halfway now because my fiance is no longer comfortable going to her house. It doesn't matter is she doesn't approve it the courts did.
We also got her child support lowered because he is paying his sons insurance and he got the childs detuctables taken in of child suuport each month because she needs to pay it.
He also got his son Sunday through thrusday every week in the summer. And if the mother refuses to meet half way we can file a motion to sue her for past costs of gas and not meeting up.
If you live in Minnesota I can give you a lot of good details. Out of state I'm not sure of.
HAhaha I'm thinking of going to school aso to become a paralegal. It's good you take this the positive way. Also, the best thing you can do is never slam the other mom in front of the child. Don't tell your ex-wife anything about your current living situation. This is your family now and not hers.
Also, write down everything the child tells you. Let her talk to you. Don't ask her what is going on over there directly. I would also get her to see a psychyatrist.
Do everything for your daughter. Don't tell your ex-wife anything. She doesn't even need to meet your wife.
I've never even met my fiance's ex-wife before or even talked to her. Because I don't have too. And it drives her nuts because she doesn't know anything about Nick's new life except the good things.
Also, go through your local social worker you can have them adjust and see if your paying too much in child support which seems like you are. If it was doubled. Did she doo it or you? You need to see a social worker.
Also, a formal agreement is awesome when parents can't agree on anything. Be glad this is going into effect. Because your ex-wife can get in a lot of trouble if she keeps trying to see you from spending time with your daughter because it's about her and not your daughter.
Which will make her look bad.
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
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Liuka2012
My fiance just went through the same case. Except now we caught his ex-wife physically abusing her son. He had bruises on him. So after documenting everything down I told him he had to get the police incolved and they did. I told him if he didn't than I would.
Also, he put in his contract that she has to stay within 100 miles of him. This is for the child not for her. She has to meet us halfway now because my fiance is no longer comfortable going to her house. It doesn't matter is she doesn't approve it the courts did.
We also got her child support lowered because he is paying his sons insurance and he got the childs detuctables taken in of child suuport each month because she needs to pay it.
He also got his son Sunday through thrusday every week in the summer. And if the mother refuses to meet half way we can file a motion to sue her for past costs of gas and not meeting up.
If you live in Minnesota I can give you a lot of good details. Out of state I'm not sure of.
HAhaha I'm thinking of going to school aso to become a paralegal. It's good you take this the positive way. Also, the best thing you can do is never slam the other mom in front of the child. Don't tell your ex-wife anything about your current living situation. This is your family now and not hers.
Also, write down everything the child tells you. Let her talk to you. Don't ask her what is going on over there directly. I would also get her to see a psychyatrist.
Do everything for your daughter. Don't tell your ex-wife anything. She doesn't even need to meet your wife.
I've never even met my fiance's ex-wife before or even talked to her. Because I don't have too. And it drives her nuts because she doesn't know anything about Nick's new life except the good things.
Hey, stepmom. That's all well and good, but this OP is NOT in Minnesota. And also - he CANNOT take the child to a psychiatrist unless he has some sort of LEGAL custody..which he doesn't.
And frankly, though I'm really not trying to be mean here, you're WAY overstepping YOUR role as a stepparent.
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
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Liuka2012
We also got her child support lowered because he is paying his sons insurance and he got the childs detuctables taken in of child suuport each month because she needs to pay it.
This is another thing - all of her insurance - dental, vision, medical - are all paid by me. Will that help my cause at all?
Re: Never Had a Formal Agreement - What Now
Not for custody, but it may be included for child support calculations.