How Do I Get Our Child the Help She Needs

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: OHIO

A little background first...

Back in 2002 I was in a relationship for almost a year. It ended when I found out that she was cheating on me wit an ex. No biggie right, until I found out she was pregnant. Well i stayed in contact with her and her whole family during the pregnancy. And I informed her that I would be seeking a DNA test when the child was born. As she stated that the child wasn't mine. May 2003, I was there the day the child was born but was turned away but not before i again told the mother that I want a DNA test performed. So with in a month She presented me with a DNA test and even received a copy of it. So that was that. And I went on with my life.

A few years ago in 2009 the BM and I became friends on a social networking site. And we chatted back in forth and were friends. In Jan. of 2010 the BM's sister and I were chatting and she came out and told me that she and the BM's mother had always thought that the child looked like me more so than BM's BF. So as anyone I was very confused. and I stated that it would be impossible as BM had a DNA test done already and it showed me as not being the father.

Feb. 2010 BM's sister and I ordered a home DNA test kit. Sister performed it. With in two weeks I got the results and sure enough I was 99.9% the father. I was very pissed to say the least. As i have a happy relationship, 1 other child, and one on the way at that time. So i slept on it for a week and decided to tell my GF since 2004 about it all. She was just as upset.

So we both decided it would be in my best interest to be part of the child's life. I contacted the BM and asked for a copy of the DNA test she had done years ago and she got upset with me. And at first denied it to me. But after I told her I would be filing court papers for a DNA test she showed it to me but wouldn't give me a copy. I know your probably thinking why I didn't just show her the results of the one her sister and me done. Her sister asked me not to tell anyone what she done for me.

After the brief meeting with BM and me. I told her I was going to file court papers and that I didn't believe her. So thats what I did. I went and signed my life away to child support for a DNA test and to the county court to file for visitation. I guess she didn't believe me and she came up with a ideal to do a home DNA test. Well I agreed but only if it were legally binding, hoping to save time and money in court. I ordered it and my GF and I went to BM's house to do it. My GF was to be the witness and signed and performed most of the test. We all did the required paperwork took pictures submitted proper I.D. and so forth.

Sent test off and paid for a 3 day turn around. And after a week I decided to call the company to see whats going on. Come to find out the test was missed up. The child that was tested came back as a boy and it was suppose to be a female. They did tell me that the child tested belonged to the mother. And they proceeded to press charges on my GF for fraud as she signed off as the witness. Some where in the mess of the BM's house she swabbed her son's mouth and not our daughter. I guess she didn't think they would notice the difference. So I gave her a copy of the DNA test her sister and I done.

Waited for 2 months to get a DNA test done at CSEA. during the time was told so many lies. And my father happened to die on on the said child's birthday. It was a pretty rough time. Of course I wasn't allowed to see the child on her Birthday. We got the DNA test results back and again 99.9% I was the child's Father.

First day of court was in June 2010. SHE was a no show no call. I had to fight for my right to get at least supervised visits. And I had to pay for a GAL. And the BM got off scott free.

Went and applied at the visitation site and paid the application fee as court ordered. BM waited 2 months to do so claiming she didn't have any money. So i went with her and paid for it. Just to get to meet our daughter. And I filed contempt charges against her when she was late anyhow.

Did the whole GAL thing did what I was suppose to do. And waited patiently to meet our daughter for the first time. She kept putting it off and off. I tried to work with her over and over with out anything. did get to see child for 2 2 hour visits before the next court date. And the mother allowed her and her cousin to come to her step sisters birthday as long as I didn't say anything to her or tell the GAL, Judge, And visitation site. As she stated they told her she wasn't allowed to see me. So I agreed and it was very hard, not to say anything to her.

Well a week before court Oct. 2010 the GAL called and asked if I could get a hold of BM as she has yet to hear and or see from her. And that the case would be at a stand still and she was filing contempt papers for the mother. Well I contacted the mother and she stated to me that she had in fact contacted the GAL and that they were to meet the following week and even came up with a story about said child having to miss school for it.

While waiting for court in the waiting room. BM and i had small talk and then the GAL came in sat her bags and coat down next to me said hello and what have you, and went to check in. Well BM just quit talking and looked puzzled. The Gal came back out and sat down and we too were having small talk. the the GAL asked is the BM here yet? And I said yes don't you see her? as she was sitting a few chairs away from me. She looked pissed. She got up and walked over and introduced herself to her and proceeded to give her hell. Asked why she couldn't return her calls and or letters. BM's response was that she didn't have time too. And then Gal just sat back down and started to read a book. I was in total shock about it all.

Well I submitted a parenting plan to the courts that i thought was reasonable and such. And the magistrate proceeded to also give her hell while going through all the paper work. And then it all stopped when he came upon the plan. He asked if all the parties involved agreed to it and that was that.

I received 50/50 joint physical, and legal custody with the mother really the first time in court. It was a phased in plan of course. I was still in disbelief about what had gone on and was very happy that she agreed to the plan that i too signed off.

I was prepared to put up a fight for our daughter. As I kept all emails and recorded conversations I had with BM. and kept a daily log in which i still do.

Present time Feb. 2011 It has been a eventful year and have learned alot. My problem is that I am having problems with the school, doctors and mainly the mother. I knew i would have a up hill battle. I was to be supplied with all the information such as, copy of Birth records, sos sec card, school records, doctors records, and was to be informed of anything involving said child.

I went down and got a new Birth record, and soc sec card, and finally after 4 attempts and 3 letters later I managed to get the school to give me her records, But only what they thought I should have. And the same goes for the teacher. I spoke with her on the phone and she told me that the child seems to be going through some changes. And that she Says off the wall stuff to her and others. and that she would like to meet with me. So I did and we discussed it all.

From the get go I have asked the mother that the child attended counseling and such but was totally rejected every time and was to made stupid for even bringing it up. Well I to was concerned before the meeting with the teacher. But had nothing telse to go on and thought it was all because of her and I just meeting.

I should have know something was up when I had her for her first 5 hour visit and she told me she loved me. When I have only met this child 5 other times for 3 and 2 hours at a time. and at a birthday party for her step sister.

She had came over for the first overnight on Dec 25th and she was itching pretty bad and she had head lice. So thankfully we managed to find a place open and we treated her for it. and I notified her mother and of course she got if from my house. so a week passes as its still on the phase in plan and she has it again and of course we treat it again.

well on her first weekend stay she stated to me that I wouldn't be allowed to come to her Birthday party as her other dad wouldn't like it. And yes she decided early on to call me dad? and as I said she said I love you and she says it all the time. I felt a bit odd at first with it but came to say it back. Well I asked her what she meant and she stated to me that she has to lie to him where she goes and stuff. I asked her why she has too. and she said her mommy said that if he finds out she is not his that he would leave them and such. And she said this all while crying.

I didnt know what to do really. I wrote the BM a message and she stated that the child was a liar and that her BF already knew just as before when I asked her about him. She continued to say that she had been lieing to her when ever she returned home from my house and blamed it on said child's step sister? It was hard for me to understand why a mother would do this to a child.

But she has lied over and over again. our daughter is sad when its time to go home. and when she is here she seems to be seeking out a lot of attention (which isn't a prob) but she is very emotional. The mother is scaring the child. She has a facebook account and p0o0st p0i0cs of her and other guys on there. One which is into drugs and guns and down right hateful. And have the pics of them making out. which wouldn't be a problem if our daughter wasn't around this but she is. So when BM's live in BF and the (step-dad) is out at the bar every night Bm is out with other guys. BM has a warrant for her arrest for welfare fraud, Step-dad has warrant for his arrest for FTA for his second OVI and a number of other things. He has a violent background.

BM's sister informed me that they haven't had water in the last 3 months and that I should contact children services. In which I did without any help as in their eyes it is just a custody case. I pleaded with her teacher to do something and now all I get from her is the cold shoulder. Called the counsler at her school and they would not help as she is a state contracted employee and she dont handle that type of stuff but could recommend a good counsler. But i have called at least 15 different place and since Her Mom won't agree I cant sign her up anywhere.

I filed for temporary custody but was shot down as they didn't feel the child was in any real harm. But they wouldn't hear my case at all. But the judge did tell the mom it would be a good ideal that she get her shit together before coming back for the custody hearing in June 2011. As she lied under oath right in front of the judge. And he ordered us to mediation? I'm really puzzed there as all i wanted was for said child to attend counsling in the first place and I care for the welfare of the child. And I feel strongly if the mother can make a 7 year old lie to her dad (step-Dad for this long what else is really going on in that house. I had to plead with the judge to appoint another GAL to the case and of course I have to pay another 750.00 for her and 250.00 for mediation and all the court cost again. But I feel the child is in danger if she were to stay with the mother. The GAL stated to me in a telephone call that she has never seen a BM who has custody of the child do her the way she did and that she thinks there may be a whole lot more going on in the home.

I have emails from 2009 where BM speaks of leaving her BF due to him beating and calling her names in front of the children. And her sister says the same and she will be telling the judge that when she goes to court.

My question is what should I do and How can I get our child the help she needs as the Judge said he couldn't court order the mother to put the child in counseling but he strongly advised her to before court. And whos to say she will or won't as I cant even get her to tell me what goes on with the child at school or anything else that is court ordered. But I should have a say in it as I too have 50/ 50 physical and legal custody.

Hon, really - you seriously need to cut that down.

Try listing ONLY the relevant facts, and ask questions at the end.

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Quoting Ohiodad

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My question involves a child custody case from the State of: OHIO

My question is what should I do and How can I get our child the help she needs as the Judge said he couldn't court order the mother to put the child in counseling but he strongly advised her to before court. And whos to say she will or won't as I cant even get her to tell me what goes on with the child at school or anything else that is court ordered. But I should have a say in it as I too have 50/ 50 physical and legal custody.

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Your goal is to get the child into counseling, correct? Please tell us (minus any names) what your custody order says regarding decisions for medical care. Does mom really have to agree to someone, or could you simply take the child to a counselor during your visitation periods?

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Quoting NdK1009

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Your goal is to get the child into counseling, correct? Please tell us (minus any names) what your custody order says regarding decisions for medical care. Does mom really have to agree to someone, or could you simply take the child to a counselor during your visitation periods?

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sorry for the long post next time I will know better. My goal is for the child to get counseling for I believe there is stuff happing to her that she should be able to talk to someone about. As I am not the type of parent who will use every second with the child to try and dig up information and bad mouth the other parent.

The court order states that we both have 50/50 joint legal and physical custody. And as it pertains to medical care and records that we both have equal say and must agree unless its a emergency. I have called a number of places and they all told me the same thing that the mother must also come in and be a part of it and fill out paper work also.

I pleaded with the judge on Feb. 9th to court order everyone to attend counseling but he could only advise it. My thing is that there is major problems with the mother being able to be honest and making the child lie about major stuff like she is. And the child is scared to be touched. And as I said before she is very emotional. Not to say I dont enjoy her saying I love you when she really don't know me and calling me Dad. But she is scared and closes up when she lets something slip out that she wasn't suppose to.

As the past weekend I guess she attended a school awars ceremony that I knew nothing about and she let it slip and all I told her was that I was sorry that I couldnt attend and that I didn't know about it. she seemed really sad and then she stated to me thats ok That I didn't deserve top be there. And I make sure she calls her mom and talks to her and her brothers once a day if not twice and I have to force her to do this. But while she is on the phone she gets irritated and moody as if her mother is giving her the 5th degree about something. Can't be sure as I try to keep to another room to give privacy. But I feel strongly that her mother is forcing her to keep her mouth shut.

But then again it could just be me I don;t really know? Is this how 7 year olds act? when carring the burdens of such adult lies and problems on her shoulders?

7 year olds are very strange creatures. They're coming out of "youngling" stage, and not quite getting to pre-teen...they're discovering their identity and autonomy and in the midst of a custody case/divorce it can be incredibly confusing.

Remember, she only very recently had her first overnight. She's still getting used to the whole situation.

I do agree that counseling would be VERY good for her, if only to help her adjust - but unfortunately it seems your hands are tied.

I fear that if you take it back to court, the judge could very well give Mom - given that she has status quo on her side - veto power if you can't come to an agreement re joint decisions.

I'd keep playing nice with Mom if I were you and encouraging your daughter to talk to her school counselors if she's uncomfortable or upset with something at home.

O yes I agree it must be really confusing for her. As it's confusing to me.

I don't think she is really having any problems adjusting to me or the custody stuff, But more to do with her home life. As when she is here for the most part she is very happy and eager to join in with everything almost a bit too much. Like I said she will shut down completely as its time to get ready to leave. She will stop talking and stating that she is going to miss us so much and that she wish she could stay some more. And I have to tell her that her Mom, dad, and brothers miss her and that she needs everyone. I just find it odd as she doesn't really know us.

I wish it was just the custody and finding out that I'm her dad was the issue. But her mother is hurting her emotionally, by making her lie and such. her Step-Dad is a alcoholic, has a very bad temper, Her mother takes her kids out with her bf's while step dad is gone. I really think the child is crying out for attention. and not to mention she was talking about sex, and the different body parts to my 5 year old daughter. She had a phone which she brought with her that had adult images she was showing my 5 year old.

But yes I am very concerned for the child and yes counseling would be a great first step to see what she is thinking and the GAL too would be helpful if the mother cooperates this time around. as She was unable to get the mother to call her back or return her emails and letters the first go around.

It was the GAL who told me that she too was concerned after I found out that the STep-dad had yet to be informed that he was not the childs father after the mother knew for almost a year and that the child had to lie about her where abouts. The GAL suggested calling CPS and filing for custody.

I have BM's and step-dads backgrounds to back it all up, have her family as character witnesses, have well over 1000 emails and over a hundred phone conversations

I'm VERY surprised that the GAL would make such a recommendation. For one...the GAL is a mandated reporter, who would be legally obliged to contact CPS if she felt there was neglect or abuse. And secondly, the GAL would be expected to convey her recommendation to the Judge...and her recommendation would generally carry a LOT of weight.

If you are seriously considering filing for custody you're going to have to prove that Mom is unfit. Mom's background really isn't an issue unless she is CURRENTLY putting the child in danger. Character witnesses won't help you at this point and you're at a further disadvantage since child services do NOT consider the child to be at risk.

I'm sorry - I realize this isn't what you're going to want to hear but honestly I cannot see you changing custody at this point.

You can ask for veto privileges at the hearing in June, or you can ask that the judge ORDER counseling (which IS possible, by the way!). But to be frank, the child simply seems to be displaying a somewhat typical reaction to what is essentially a massive upheaval in her life.

O yes I understand what you are saying completely.

The GAl was taken off the case when it was closed in Oct 2010. She didn't have a chance to recommended anything to the judge as I had submitted the parenting plan to the courts and that is what the judge ordered and that was that, I didnt know before hand except like 5 mins before court that the GAL didn't speak to the mother at all. I called the GAL last month to ask what if anything I should do and that's what I got from her. Just for advice. Although we had a 30 min conversation about it all. And I believe that she would report it. And she will But as of now she is only going off of what I'm saying to her and we all know thats just hear say until she can see the proof that I have.

I feel that I made a big mistake of signing the Parenting plan now as I fear there is alot more to the story than the fairy tale picture the mother had painted to me.

And I even stated to the Aunt BM's sister that if she thinks I should get involved and she has concerns that i should and need to call CPS than she should also. But she is the babysitter and watches the kids at least 4 days a week. And the trouble I have with the aunt is that she was charged with 3 counts of child en-danging 2 years ago and has yet to be able to get both of her kids back. and was found guilty. She has her oldest part time but she also stated to me that she was being investigated for sexual abuse to her two girls. I know it seems far fetched but this came out of her mouth. Its like she don't think before she opens it.

There are many many other issues and yes I am trying to get them out there but I don't want to say something about anything unless there is cold hard facts to back it up. BM and step-dad Both have warrants for their arrest.

The hearing on Feb 9th was for temp emergency custody but I failed to prove any physical harm to the child. But the judge did tell the mother that I had alot of allegations that he would certainly have the power to change custody if I have the proof to back it up in June And that she better be prepared, other than the non-sense she stated before him. on that day.

And he did state that he can order the child to counseling in June

what is veto privileges?

It would basically mean that if you can't come to an agreement, the parent with "veto" power gets to make the final decision.

I admit it sounds far-fetched; if there are genuinely so many serious issues, CPS would have intervened before now. I'd also be concerned that what you consider proof might not meet the standards required.

It is terrifically difficult to prove a parent unfit without CPS/child services intervention.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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It would basically mean that if you can't come to an agreement, the parent with "veto" power gets to make the final decision.

That sounds good I may have to see about that.

I admit it sounds far-fetched; if there are genuinely so many serious issues, CPS would have intervened before now. I'd also be concerned that what you consider proof might not meet the standards required.

It does, And thats the problem I am having as everyone has these concerns but yet it seems as if I am the only person calling CPS with my concerns and they just write it off as a custody thing. I keep asking myself is it worth it and keep coming to the same conclusion. That if i were in out daughters shoes would I want help. and the fear and stuff this child must face day to day. So I hope the mother will at least work it out before court and go to counseling. I think I would feel more at ease. And your right evidence may not be enough for a change of custody, But hopefully going back into court will wake the mother up and see that the child deserves better and make it right for her.

As I told her before when I stated to her that she should talk to her and apologize for making her lie for months on end about what she does and where she goes. to her dad all I got from the mother was that he already knew and that The child is a liar.

It is terrifically difficult to prove a parent unfit without CPS/child services intervention.

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Yes you are so right. Hopefully the system will work for said child and at least get her the help she needs if anything as that's all I am concerned about.

Good luck, no matter what happens.

You've obviously only got your daughter's best interests at heart - keep doing what you're doing!

I have learned a lot from this site in the past year. And it really has helped me through the waves of harsh feeling I had towards the BM. For what she had done long ago. But I have forgiven her many many times and will continue to do so until she see the errors of her ways.

Have news

Since last posting the BM informed me that she made a appointment for the child to attend counseling. I am very surprised by this, and at the same time very happy for the child. Even thought the BM went behind my back and setup everything without even asking me for input. I think its a control thing on her part. And I expressed my issues with the center she choose because it wasn't really a ideal place to take our child. As it is more or less a behavior, drug, and rehab type place. And I asked what made her choose that place and she stated that her sister goes there for treatment for a disorder she has and stuff. As the sister had her kids taken away and was required by the court to get help.

Well last Friday I was invited to go along with BM and the child to attend the intake appointment. I was never so scared in my life to sit in a lobby in my whole life as its on the wrong side of town and in a very bad location. While sitting there for almost a hour due to the BM being over a half hour late, I got to enjoy the company of a bunch of nuts!! And yes I mean what I say. As people were there to get some sort of shot for addictions, pills for disorders, and so on. The place even had its own pharmacy. I thought I was in the wrong place for a few minutes.

Well she showed up and finally we were called and went back to sign papers, Well I was told I wasnt needed that i need to go back to the lobby. This was the first problem, As I am the one who is going to be paying for it all. But I said fine and waited. About ten minutes later BM returned and I asked what that was about and what all was said. She only stated that it was just paper work and stuff. I asked what kind and there was really no answer from her except that they only needed her.

Then we get called to have interview with the counselor that will be talking with our child. The first thing she ask while we were going to her office is who everyone was and such. And BM stated that I was her father and that we were not together and so forth. And when we get to her office Again I'm told to wait outside. By this time I am starting to get upset.

after a half hour they come out and having a good old time and she ask for the child to come into her office. And 10 minutes later they come out and the counselor states thats all she needed and proceeded to tell BM when the next appointment would be. And of course I asked whats going on as I haven't had a chance to talk with her. As I too was very interested and I figured I would get a chance.

Well the counselor seemed upset by this. I stated that we both share 50/50 and I too care very much for our child and I would like to be involved in her receiving the care and help she needs. so she ask the BM if it were ok? In which that just seemed odd. So I go into her office and she states her name and what she does and so forth. I ask what she does and what type of counseling she performs and so forth. She seemed very ??? I would say bitchy because I wanted to know who she is and what she does and how long and so forth. But I voiced a few of my concerns and she just shot me down on everything I had concerns about. She then went on to say that she don't get involved in court case and she stays out of them. I asked her what she meant and stated that not what were here for and that I am here for help for the child. she really got mad. I then told her that there is a GAL and I asked that she would make the records available to her and she stated that she would have to get a form filled out from the mom for that.

So I asked what she meant as I stated that we both share everything again and even asked if she would like a copy of the court order. She stated again that she didn't get involved into that type of stuff (even though I seen a copy of our court papers the BM gave her on her desk.) so I asked her straight up then whats on your desk there. And covered them up. I then stated to her that I feel that she is not being very professional as I felt she should be as shw was being very bias to me and that if our child were to attend sessions with her I would like to be informed of her progress. and she stated if it were allowed by the mother I would be more than welcomed. And she said She would contact me. Well I dont know how as she never even took my phone number, email or anything else not even last name.

And when we left BM gave me 2 papers in the parking lot one was a invoice for the intake appointment, and the other was a copy of some sort of privacy policy and release of records and it only had her name on it.

So my question is how can she go behind my back and do all this if I was unable to.
Why was I not allowed to be in the room when the paper work was being filled out.
why would the BM have to ok it for the records be released to me and the GAL.
And why was I treated so badly by the counselor in the first place.
Do I have a right to be involved in our child's sessions if BM is involved?
should I file for contempt of court?